I’m having a hard time coming up with any sort of coherent post or theme at the moment. That’s not to say I don’t have anything to say, because I do. Writing is something that helps me sort through things. The feedback and trackbacks many of you provide give me more food for thought and new ways at looking at things. But I need to get things out before it does you, me or anyone any good. So I’ll just let it fly…
First thing on my mind is the whole avoidance thing Arwyn and I have going. It’s pretty astounding, actually, how a big blow up just blows away. But it doesn’t really blow away, does it? Does it?
Sometimes it does, at least for me. I’m blessed with a relatively short attention span and a relatively poor memory. It is entirely possible that I can forget about some issue or incident and it is just gone from my mind. And whatever stress was associated is gone with it. I don’t think Arwyn is blessed with that same capacity and certainly not to the extent that I am. Therefore, forgiveness is far, far easier for me than for her.
Yesterday, we did have one of these major minor blow outs. It sort of started after church, when deciding if we were going out to eat or not. My oldest did a pretty decent job behaving, so it wasn’t out of the question. But I was also thinking about the war on debt, and eating out is a huge culprit as far as sapping our budget. So I pondered it and we decided to eat out. Everyone happy, right? While eating out at a favorite fact food place, Arwyn brought up the idea of going to the store and buying milk.
Again, there was this little tug-of-war going on inside of me as I really, really despise shopping on Sunday. It’s probably just me, but there it is. I’m fine if everyone else wants to do it, but I do not. I’ll shop as needed the other 6 days, but I would like ONE shop-free day of the week. Just ONE. And not even the whole day, just until sundown or early evening. I just like to wind down during the afternoon. Again, this is just me. Arwyn knows this, and knew she was pushing her luck. I didn’t flat out say ‘no’ I asked if she had a couple of prescriptions with her that she wanted to get filled. No, she did not; they were at home. Ah ha! There was my escape. I said we’d go home, and then she could go get milk and fill her prescriptions and whatever else she wanted to do. Of course the boys wanted to go with her, because they are as conditioned to running 24/7 as she is.
We go, we change clothes, she gets her prescriptions, and asks if I’m sure I don’t want to go. NO! In fact, I might even want to take a nap. so her and the boys get in the car and I prepare to relax. So I’m in the ‘reading room’ while her and the boys are supposedly pulling off. Okay, I’m taking a dump.
My oldest comes in and says “We need some money!” Thing is, I don’t have any cash. I had to use the debit card at the fast food place! But I was going to let Arwyn take a check. A blank check. But I’m still trying to finish my business. so I told my oldest I didn’t have any money and he scampered off. He comes back again, saying the same thing. Then my youngest comes in, repeating the “We need money!” mantra.
All I want to do is take a dump and have a clean flush. Is this too much to ask?
My kids simply did what she told them to do; ask for money. she’s done this before, and I get irritated with her using the kids to wheedle money out of me. She can do her own wheedling. She had been sitting in the car whilst the boys did her bidding and I went out after finishing my business asking her what was the deal. she said she was just helping teach the boys social skills and following directions.
How is teaching our boys how to be pan handlers a good social skill? I handed her a blank check and told her that using the boys was not acceptable.
She went ape shit. Or as ape shit as her avoider-self would allow in front of the kids. She shove the prescriptions back and the check and said, “YOU go get it!” and promptly took off in her car with both boys in the back.
“DRIVE CAREFUL!” I yelled back. I have no idea where she went. I did end up going much much later in the afternoon and getting the precious milk.
Okay, that’s the tift. But that’s not the story. Sure, couples fight about stupid shit all the time, right?
I went out later and came back later, and they were home and the boys were getting ready for bed. I did some stuff in the yard and came in. she watched TV in the other room and I watched a movie. And that was it. No confrontation, no fight, no resolution, no nothing. >poof< Gone. Never happened. The movie, btw, was A Beautiful Mind starring Russell Crowe. It’s a movie that makes the viewer doubt their own grip on reality along with the main character. Did it really happen or didn’t it? That’s sort of how this whole non-argument played out. Yeah, I was pissed. But I got over it. Apparently, she did, too. So if two people fight and there is no retribution, no consequences and no forgiveness, did the fight really happen?
Hmm. More coherent than I thought this post would be. So far. But I’m not quite finished thinking and writing.
Altairboy recently published some more stories, so I’ve been reading a few of them. I still feel the pull towards chastity (my version) and subspace. But not with Arwyn. I mean it would be great if she did choose to participate, but she doesn’t even want to participate in a decent fight! At least this sort of chastity puts an end to my involuntary celibacy by making it voluntary. I’ve already been playing around with the Timelock and it is even running with the combination encrypted as we speak. I just haven’t locked up, yet. But I can feel the draw and the pull. It’s going to happen, at some point. There will be some caging going on. It’s just a matter of time and getting in the mood.
So stay tuned for as development on that particular storyline. Some of you have been waiting a very long time for this! Just a bit longer…be patient. One of you readers having your own copy of the Timelock would certainly be a major plus in moving things along. Perhaps we could do another group voting thing. any ideas?