(To also be posted on the Blogger site)
Thank you all for the comments on the 10 year anniversary celibation. Arwyn has kept clear of the bathroom in the mornings nowadays, as I think she was as embarrassed as me about the whole deal. Masturbation is not on her top 5 list of conversation topics. Not even a top 10. In fact, I don’t think it would show up on a hot 100 list. It is not something she thinks about and not something she even wants to think about. The whole ordeal with the CB3000 provides ample enough evidence of this.
For those guys like Christian Husband and FTN who have sworn off masturbation, I say more power to them. I think it could be a worthy cause to strive for, especially if they are getting sex on a weekly basis. It’s a tough thing to give up, otherwise there wouldn’t be much of a market for chastity devices would there? However, if there is a prolonged dry spell, I don’t think they should beat themselves up for their slippage, either. After all, many wives would prefer their HL partners would just wank off and not bother with them. Most would simply prefer not to know about it at all and my wife seems to fall into the class of wives who would rather not deal with sex at all and pretend it didn’t exist.
I need to get some sort of APA button or something so readers can click there whenever they have the urge to make a counseling referral. I have somewhat reversed myself on this yet, again. We do not have what I would call the happiest home but it is stable. For young kids, especially those with disabilities, stability is not to be treated casually. I am simply learning to find happiness and joy apart from Arwyn just like she has learned to find it apart from me these past years. While it isn’t a perfect relationship, it is not a bad relationship. I have actually become healthier in many ways, moving more and more away from an ethic of sorrow, self-medication and personal destruction. I’m finding out more about who I am and still determining what I am about. I’ll give you all some recognition for some of this through your comments, observations and commentary.
That is not to say that I will not get angry or become temporary melancholy at times. I will. And I will write about it here and some of you will get pissed that I’m choosing to remain here and that I’m not doing anything about it instead of hiring a shrink or a lawyer.
Arwyn will either work out her own salvation and redemption or not. The reality is that she is unwilling to work on a cooperative or joint relationship beyond the most surface of levels. However, as Emily pointed out, there are still some things going on that indicate this is not a dead relationship. We do go to some amount of trouble on birthdays and anniversaries, even if it is small. We do kiss hello and goodbye sometimes. If I hug her, she will return it sometimes. She just won’t initiate, or initiations are just extraordinarily rare. We can safely say there’s a lot of room for improvement. I’m getting past a point where I feel like unilaterally going to therapy. I don’t need drugs (else I’d stick with booze and nicotine!) and I have moments of clarity.
And quite frankly, I follow a few of you who see a shrink, especially those who are the loudest advocates, (and you can guess who you are) and I’m not terribly impressed with the overall results. Hang-ups, insercurities and assorted psychopathologies continue to abound. Sorry, but I am running low on unsettling psychopathologies at the moment. I plan on stocking up again before the holidays, though!
I’m not contemplating therapy or divorce at the moment. I’m not contemplating an affair, either. I am on a trajectory of personal improvement and I think I need to be okay with that. In health and finances, I’m making progress. Slow, but it is there and I’ve been at it long enough to be able to appreciate how I’ve come along over the past year.
Okay, so I’m having less sex. You know what? I am needing less sex! I feel less driven than at anytime since actually discovering sex. I would still like to have some, yes. I grieve the loss of it sometimes and resent not having someone who wants to share or play with me. But like the whole smoking thing, the reliance and fixation on sex is loosening just a bit. I know, sex is a healthy thing and the desire is healthy and all. But being ruled by one desire is not healthy. I am not feeling so ruled by that drive like I have for the past 3 or so decades. I’ll rub one out now and then. Sometimes now, I’ll start rubbing only to decide it isn’t going anywhere and stop. That’s a new thing to me. Even though it feels good and all, I can get up and walk away with a boner and it isn’t the end of the world. Some women might not get the significance of this, but I think all the guys will get it. Once we’re hard, that desire for orgasm can just take us over and no matter how bad the sex is we’re going to go for it. Sad, but we are really hard wired for it. It has taken a lot of time to be able to get past that. I think that’s maturity of a sort. It still doesn’t mean I can get more than 10 thrusts in before popping off, but at least I’m able to get past the need in better emotional shape.
So I am changing and evolving. I don’t think it is too far fetched to believe Arwyn is also changing in some way as she gets older. For better or for worse? I don’t know, but I vowed I’d stick around for either. At some point, my changes and hers are bound to intersect in a way that is more decisive and will indicate some specific course of action. At the present time, I choose stability over disruption. Counseling, aside from the disruption caused by the taking up of time and money could open up a can of worms to upset whatever dysfunctional homeostasis we have going at the moment. So I’m puting that off to the side for now. Not a priority right now.
I especially appreciate the prayers offered up. I think some of my insight is the fruit of such offerings. Even if it appears I am doing nothing, God is still at work all the time. He wastes nothing. For the heathens among you, time marches on and nothing ever stays exactly the same, for good or ill. Perhaps the wind will change directions, but if even it doesn’t there are a lot worse directions I could be going