Thoughts about Tied Up

Every so often you read something that makes think. Always Aroused Girl made a post that got me to thinking and sheds some light on the way my thinking is now and how it has changed over the years. Read All Tied Up and then check back. You’ll be glad you did.

Arwyn and I were engaged around January of 1996 and married on August 3rd of that year. In April of that year, Arwyn had some sinus surgery. This is that story.

Throughout dating and courtship, I learned that Arwyn was allergic to milk, mold, dust, most flowers and all but the most antiseptic air. I learned this because we were living together at the time. She learned that she had a deviated septum and this prevented sinus drainage and caused headaches and all sorts of discomfort that I would not understand for years until I finally got a dose of it for myself. In any case, it was determined that surgery could open her sinuses up and help with the drainage and allergies. So she scheduled her surgery and her mom arranged to be there for her, while I was at work. In addition to work, I was also going to school to finish my Masters degree which meant that I would not see her until 10:00 at night.

The work I did did not involve being close to a phone at all. I was lucky to not have to use the bathroom all day because it was that busy. I had to actually leave work early in order to beat traffic to get to my class and there I was until class was over. By then, I was 30 minutes from being home.

So basically, my fiance` had (outpatient) surgery which involved breaking the bones around her nose. Her mother was there to help and tend to her while I was gone all day. I didn’t even call. Not calling turned out to be a huge error of which I was totally ignorant of. Taking care of someone else was something I was not accustomed to and a body just has to learn it by doing it. I was (and still am) woefully unprepared to be an emotional caretaker. Arwyn wanted and needed a lot of sympathy and compassion. I am still somewhat of a hard ass in the compassion department, but I’m trying and learning.

About a week after her surgery, a group of friends were going on a camping trip. I wanted to go, but Arwyn was still recovering from her surgery. I told her I would not go if she wanted me to stay. She said to go ahead and go. “Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, go ahead and go have a good time!”

It was my first real experience with the wifely-martyr headgame. You all know what I didn’t know: she did not mean what she said at all. I don’t know why the fuck you women insist on pulling that shit! It’s bullshit and you all do it; you can not say what you mean but insist on playing that stupid game where you expect the guy to read your mind rather than listen to what you say. Then you fucking wonder why we quit listening.

Okay, that felt a bit better.

Like the fool I was, I went on that camping trip. I was engaged to be married in 4 months. And some girl on the camping trip would not stop flirting with me the entire weekend. It was strange. I didn’t encourage it or give in. I found it annoying. And I did miss Arwyn. I thought of her all weekend and was anxious to see her again. I found out that she was thinking of me, too. For when I got home, I found that she had packed all my stuff up in boxes and was ready to throw me out!

Knowing what I do now, perhaps I should have took my shit and left. But then I might have met someone even worse. So we had a talk about the error of my ways. I was and still am confused about this game I have since learned is a common thing among women. She was ready to call off the wedding but I convinced her that I loved her and she changed her mind. I think she was needing a lot more reassurance than she was letting on at the time.

Two years ago, Arwyn had surgery again, this time a partial hysterectomy i.e. she kept her ovaries (I always get woman asking about that) and her mother came again to help out. This time, I took the day off from work and stayed with Arwyn in the hospital in the recovery room while her mother picked the boys up from school. I remember there was some discussion about me going to work and her mom taking her in, but I wasn’t going there. That was just where I needed to be.

When reading about Always Aroused Girl’s experience, I could see where the mistake was and where it was made. 10 years ago, I might not have known what the deal was or seen a lot wrong with what her husband did or didn’t do. So I’d like to think I learned at least a little bit over that period of time.

In our discussions of submission, I truly had to learn to submit and give more of myself to Arwyn and overcome a deep selfish streak. No, that streak is not gone by any means and it never will be. But at least I’ve made some progress toward being a better person. So I’d say that even though I often have doubts, my marriage has been time well spent at least in that regard.

D.

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3 Responses to Thoughts about Tied Up

  1. freebird says:

    I think that over the years women too learn that men don’t share our mind-reading skills and have to be given things straight. And if we say ‘you go off and enjoy yourself’, we have to be prepared that you just might! It’s a two-way lesson.
    I think in Arwyn’s case she wasn’t just testing you, but also trying to avoid taking the responsibility of preventing you from going on your trip which might have resulted in blame and resentment from you (?) and her being in the wrong instead of you. Not nice.
    (Sorry, am I stating the bleedin’ obvious?)

  2. Do you think I was playing a head-game with my husband? I don’t think I was, as I asked him very clearly to be with me and he could not me. That seems a big difference between our circumstances.

  3. diggerjones says:

    I think you’re right, Freebird, and no I hadn’t really thought about her trying to prevent taking responsibility for my possible resentment, but it makes sense. Okay, maybe I did at the time. But I recall feeling any resentment and I was willing to spend time with her instead. But she seemed somewhat insistent as I recall.

    No, AAG, I never meant to imply you were doing what Arwyn did. Your post sort of triggered my introspection which morphed into a rant unexpectedly. I was looking to see how closely I resembled your husband, not how closely you resembled Arwyn. I am not the same now as I was then, and that was more the lesson. Your husband does not appear to have learned a whole lot over however many years you’ve been married.

    D.

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