Summer Simmer

While things simmer on the blogger discussions, I think I’ll do a bit of an update over here. Basically I always write off-line and then cut and paste either from work or from home. Writing and most reading is done on the PDA whenever I get a chance. So taking advantage of time otherwise spent waiting is one way I can make this blogging gig work. And it is a big gig.

Because of our orientation to each other while sleeping, small gestures of intimacy or affection are rare while Arwyn and I sleep. But when they do happen, they take an unconventional form. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I was sound asleep until I awoke to Arwyn massaging my feet. That was just too wierd because Arwyn HATES touching my feet or having anything of hers touch my feet. I think she could have been doing it in her sleep. But is was still nice all the same. Of course, when it happened there was an internal debate about what to do. Should I push it and see how far this might go? I opted to just enjoy it and went back to snoozing.

Sometimes, our oldest will get up and try to get in our bed between us. Since he orientates himself as to be aligned with Arwyn’s position, I frequently get kicked by two pairs of feet. Early, early this morning I was awakened by a leg draped across my chest and a foot right there. I held the foot, and was not exactly sure whose foot it might be. I followed the foot to the ankle to the leg and figured out that it was, in fact, Arwyn’s. So I began massaging it. This was greeting by her jerking the foot away and a swat to my hands. I stopped massaging and the foot went back to where it was, right there. I could hold the foot, but caressing and massaging were out. I know, because I tried it again.

It was another of those oddball things. I liked her touching me and me touching her, which is such a rare thing nowadays. If she makes whatever overtures, I accept them. If I try to do much more, I get greeted by a swat to my wandering hands. Such is life with a choleric wife, who is clearly too controlling to be submissive but too lazy to be dominant.

I have continued to be smoke free, totally so for days and days. I’ve even had a few glasses of wine with zero relapse, which was a big fear of mine. I thought drinking might bring on total failure and relapse. But it has not. Oh, the craving is still there. I know I could go back to smoking any second. The addiction is a strong thing and it has taken much to overcome all of the behavioral things that became a part of my enslavement for so long. I smoked every single chance I got and used it to calm myself and to psychologically soothe and relax myself. It was a form of self-medication. Ridding myself of those habits is a difficult thing. I’ve had this since 1988, and it will not die easily.

Arwyn’s presence does help with this, although she has said absolutely nothing about me quitting. I know she must know, as she used to complain about how she always smelled it on me. For the longest time, this was her excuse for not wanting to kiss me and for not ever kissing with any tongue. It was all a ruse. Endless excuses. While her approval and her behavior is not critical, central or necessary to my decision to quit smoking, I do know she is around. She may not act like it, but she is paying attention. I have always been sensitive to her and her allergies which is why I always took it outside. Ironically, she has been complaining more about having breathing problems in the past 3 weeks than ever before!

One more thing before retiring this post: Always Aroused Girl has recently made it clear that she is throwing in the towel as far as her marriage. I hope she finds all she is looking for and wish her nothing but the best in what will be a new chapter for her. But I also grieve a bit. She was someone who I saw as a female counterpart in a similar struggle as mine. Now her struggle is taking her to a different place. I hope it is a better one.

D.

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5 Responses to Summer Simmer

  1. Satan says:

    Every smoker and ex-smoker I’ve ever known has said that quitting smoking is the hardest thing to ever do.
    I’m v. impressed that you seem to simply be able to leave the habit behind. You don’t seem to struggle with it so much, or maybe you’re just leaving that out of your writing.

  2. Dewdrop says:

    Congratulations on being a ‘smoke-free zone’ – and long may it continue :).

  3. diggerjones says:

    I only WISH that I’ve left it behind! It is still with me, all the time, wrapped all around my mind like a snake. It is a sleeping serpent right now, but I know it can awaken at any time and really put the squeeze on.

    I’m struggling less and less with it on a daily basis, but it is forever with me. There are times that I really, really liked smoking. Just writing about it brings back the memory of that mellowness that I miss. But my physical last week showed improved respiration, heart rate and blood pressure figures, so that is a good thing.

    D.

  4. freebird says:

    Sorry, I must’ve missed it first time round, but I think your description and drawings of your ‘orientation to each other while sleeping’ have disturbed me more than anything on your blog yet.

  5. I hope you are proud of yourself about quitting smoking. I’ve read that it’s actually more addictive than many “hard” drugs. You should feel very proud.

    I had the same sort of promises from the husband: do “x” and our sex-life will improve. It never did.

    As far as throwing in the towel, we’ll see.

    And I think you are a far better person that I’ll ever manage to be, Mr. Jones. You have not cheated.

    Congrats on being smoke-free. That is amazing.

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