Thoughts on Dominance

I’m away on business, but having a good time reading and writing courtesy of my PDA.  Beats whatever is on the hotel cable, any day.

 

Okay, I have a good intro the submissive husband quandary on Unsolicited Advice.  So where do I fit in?

 

I have tried on both hats.  I’ve done some Domming (totally weird, but true) and tried a submissive approach.  I think I am a true blue switch.  I do have a real sadistic streak that I need to watch which goes way above a simple dominant preference.  I think with the right person, it could be a totally hott time but I would need a bit of time to really discover it fully.  I didn’t know anything about it when I was actually doing it, I just knew I was turned on.

 

The submissive side is more fully explored in this blog.  I have delved much deeper into subspace, and am sure I could get off on that with the right person at the right time.  I am not a masochist, though, and am not sure if I am a very good sub. 

 

When locked in the cage, I still had to struggle with some resentment issues even back when Arwyn tried holding the keys.  I remember she had them and my birthday was coming up.  My birthday came, but I didn’t!  I had done 3 or so days, which at the time seemed like a lot and she flat out forgot about me!  Okay, this could have been hot with some good teasing.   I asked if I could get out and she said maybe the next day.  That was sort of in the spirit of the deal, but she forgot again!  When she finally remembered, I think she just put the key out by the bathroom sink or something…totally anticlimactic…in a matter of speaking.

 

The problem Arwyn had was that she was a lazy dominant.  She wanted nonsexual benefits, but did not want any work or responsibility.  In a way, I understand that the chastity thing was supposed to be about her and not me and I did very poorly with that.  Granted, this supports my position that I am not a good submissive.  It’s not like I had any real training in this, you know?  I really had something more in mind in line with Mistress Misato’s descriptions of the use of female sexuality in order to achieve mutual satisfaction that both partners would and could enjoy.  I think I would love having my wife sit on my face!  But she never has, so the likelihood is extremely remote that she ever will.

 

Fact is, there is neither dominance nor submission going on here as we are in a bit of a stand-off.  Neither of us are having sex.  I’m not asking and she’s not offering.  I’m not offering and she’s not asking.  It’s ironically about as balanced as it’s ever been, short of that initial lust phase where we humped every day morning, evening and sometimes in-between.  She now says that she did feel pain during many, many of those encounters….why the hell didn’t she speak up?   She didn’t quite know what to say and it seemed to make me happy at the time so she went along with it.

 

Because of this neutrality thing, we haven’t been fighting or arguing.  There is a distinct lack of conflict in our house.  Isn’t that a good thing? 

 

There is a cease fire in the War for Intimacy.  Yeah, I know many of you struggled with that term.  I was using “war” as hyperbole trying to illustrate an assertive, aggressive and sustained campaign.  And it has become a quagmire of sorts as I’ve run low on the emotional resources required to sustain the effort.  As Emily pointed out, there has not been any meaningful JOINT effort.  And I’m not very hopeful of that happening in the near future.  Sad, but I’m also not looking at separation or divorce as solutions, either.  I can not change Arwyn.  She is who she is.  If she is dominant, nothing I do will make her submissive.  If she is submissive, I’m not going to make her dominant.   I can only change and influence my own affect which does ebb and flow.  In a way, I’m arriving closer to a point where I do not rely as much on Arwyn for my happiness.  I’ve discovered other interests and diversions, just like she’s developed hers over the years. 

 

I’m pretty smoke free this week, which is no small thing.  Taking a long drive was a big concern and being out of town on my own especially.  The temptation is enormous!  This addiction still has me in its grip, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be psychologically free of it.  It really is a lot like this differentiation process I’m going through with Arwyn.  I was just as psychologically tied in with her moods and her actions and how she treated me and whether or not she was affectionate.  I still think about those things, obviously, but I’m trying to learn how not to let them consume me. 

 

We’re slowly, slowly making progress in the War on Debt.  That was the purpose of this business trip, in order or get one less debt on our heads.  Ironically, I had to use my Visa for the hotel in order to get things going, but hopefully it will be money well spent.  Besides, this thing gets paid as soon as I get home, anyway.

 

D.

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