I just need to vent…some more.
More will be written at the "home" site, since I have yet to make a complete and absolute change, yet. But I'm still going to write here, since I can.
Basically, and apparently, having my eyes on my wife makes her skin crawl or something. she can't stand to have me look at her while she is naked. This is so disheartening. It makes me crazy to think about it, and about a future filled with bleak hopelessness and lonliness. She doesn't love me. Else why would she scuttle away instead of letting me get just the tiniest bit of pleasure from something so small, so tiny, so harmless. Instead of starting the morning with a warm embrace and a kiss, it started off with cold, hard, ruthless rejection.
I sacrifice, I work hard, I earn the money, I buy the groceries, I cook the food that she eats. And in return…she washes my underwear. And rejects me. On a rare occasion where I might be able to get a bit of intimacy, I come away feeling dirty, like a molester or a rapist. I feel like a criminal for wanting to love on my wife.
I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of putting my best out there to have it trampled on. The rejection is SO painful. Rejection is always painful, no matter where it comes from or when it comes. But so much moreso when it comes from the one who knows you best. The one who was supposed to be a soulmate. The one who vowed in front of God and everyone to forsake all others. She has forsaken me.
Should a person feel so lonely when they are married? Is this the normal state of things, to feel hungry, starving and alone? Is this a cold, hard truth of marriage?
Too much. It hurts too much. It's hard to get any work done with this sort of pain burning out my guts.