The Den of the Biting Beaver

I just wanted to update my last post, because here's another news story sort of similar to the one I just commented on.

But that’s not where this post is going. Not exactly. Travis Frey is accused of sexual assault and kidnapping. The contract is just sensationalistic claptrap that is being overblown. I don’t even think the contract should be used as evidence at all, since it isn’t even clear that he wrote it at all, but instead found and downloaded it from somewhere else.

In researching for more about Mr. Frey, I came across a nifty little blog entitled Den of the Biting Beaver. Go ahead and visit. Notice what the beaver happens to be gnawing on? And she complains about media violence against women… Okay, we’re all hypocrites, here. I’m just sayin’…

Take a look at her discussion of sexual consent and sexual assault. Or getting permission. Or putting out when you don’t want to (Don’t read this one, Dewdrop!).

And finally, Biting Beaver’s partner brings up the same subject I just did, only he doesn’t even ask. He just outright says he’s a rapist.

Interesting place, and I did get some new insight from reading Beaver. No, I don’t agree with most of it, but there are nuggets buried in there. Lot’s to think about.

D.

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14 Responses to The Den of the Biting Beaver

  1. Leela Lamore says:

    Digger, I understand after reading a few of the links you provided what is going through your head but still I don’t think what women do to their husbands is right.

    You stated that the person with the lower libido is the one that controls the sexuality of the relationship, it’s a pity that. After thinking about it and asking Phoenix I guess this is true but then we have sex 3-4 times per day sometimes, obviously I must then have a hl attitude because I have NEVER said no, I have occasionally thought it but it gets dissolved as soon as Phoenix kisses me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me so I feel I certainly do have the desire for sex.

    This is all fine and well for us but it seems most men are met with women who have NO desire for sex ever, so what is a person to do??? I don’t really see a problem with a contract (ok this one was a bit controlling as Phoenix said) and the point of reward/punishment is a bit OTT but honestly I personally do not see anything wrong with it providing it is agreed to and negotiated by both parties.

  2. Satan says:

    Oh puh-leeze.
    If you don’t want to have sex, say no and mean it. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t eventually say yes and then cry about it later. Take a bit of responsibility for yourselves, ladies.

    Digger, you’re not a rapist. Shut up about this already.

  3. Dewdrop says:

    “Go ahead and visit. Notice what the beaver happens to be gnawing on? And she complains about media violence against women… Okay, we’re all hypocrites, here. I’m just sayin’…” – well with a name like Den of the Biting Beaver, what did you expect? A SMILING beaver? lol Of course it’s being hypocritcal and also humourous. Come on!

    I read quite a few of the posts of Den and thought they were excellent. It made me feel really, really quite sad and there were some major truths which I and I’d imagine some parts of society(or am I completely alone here? lol), would rather not perhaps admit too. Yes, Digger, I read THAT post. 🙂

  4. Cali says:

    Wow.

    It’s women like that who make me ashamed to call myself a woman.

    There’s a large difference between a man forcing a woman to have sex, and a man asking his wife to take care of his needs, all of them. Asking a woman to provide for his sexual needs is certainly no worse than a woman asking the man to provide for her sexual needs.

    It’s just like a man mowing the lawn when he doesn’t feel like it because the wife feels like having a nice looking lawn. Or the wife cooking dinner for him even tho she doesn’t feel like it.

    In the end, I truly believe this stuff should be worked out privatly between the couple. If the woman says yes, but doesn’t want to do it, than she shouldn’t have said yes. End of story.

    I understand that opinions are like
    arseholes; everyone has one…..

    This is where I’ll shut up. LoL

  5. Synergy says:

    I am just utterly saturated with frustration at the moment. I understand what she has been through has been an utterly traumatic experience for her. But she’s still looking at things as a victim, and not a survivor. Apparently there is no room in her world for people on both ends of the spectrum that enjoy a dom/sub relationship. It’s not something I could willingly participate in myself, but there are some out there who find such a contract appealing, but it is a CONSENSUAL thing, not something that is enforced. There are people who enjoy being controlled, as strange as it seems to others. There are people who enjoy controlling others that consent to being controlled. It’s when a controlling person forces their control off on someone who is not willing, or changes their mind about being willing that abuse starts.

    I think it is AS abusive however for women to trivialize a man’s NEED for sex. It’s not the same for a man as it is for a woman. For us it’s enjoyable, but not necessary. For men it is a driving NEED. It’s been medically proven that the lack of sex can cause severe health problems for men. There is even some research to indicate that women with healthy sex lives also benefit from other healthy side affects. This whole issue has touched off too many nerves. I think I’m angry with BOTH sides right now… Frey for exercising his Dominance on someone who was no longer willing, or this woman for lashing out as an angry victim at a situation that is in all likelihood not as similar to her own as she thinks. She has taken “Poor Ruth Frey’s” situation and made it about herself and not about the actual people involved.

  6. Cali says:

    I compltely agree, miss ma’am.

  7. aphron says:

    Nothing to add…but, if both partners are in agreement, then ok. Women hold a tremendous amount of power over men, because of men’s sex drives. Men, also, tend to act better towards their significant others, if they are getting sex.

    Personally, I don’t see anything fun about the D/S lifestyle. BUT, I would not judge a person by their sexual proclivities. Cast the first stone and all of that. As long as it is done between consenting adults (and no mules are involved), have at it.

  8. Amanda says:

    I agree with many of the points made here. I also visited that blog and found the post frustrating on many levels, mostly sadness that someone has to go through something like that and at the same time irritated that they take a sensationalized case to “make a point.” Particularly when it seems that the point wasn’t as similar as they might want to make it.

    MY point in my previous comment was that I see a tremendous difference between how Travis Frey implemented and then reacted on his contract and what a D/s lifestyle is all about. Once you take consent out of the equation, then you enter the realm of the asshole/rapist. I personally believe that anything done between consenting adults is fair game. If you don’t want to do something, then at least have the balls to say no. The contract, should two partners find it mutually acceptable – go for it. If one does and the other doesn’t – maybe compromise could enter into it?

    Maybe I am oversimplifying things, maybe it is me that is missing the point.

  9. Emily says:

    Actually, I think you are right, Dig, to say that you can outright disagree with a lot of the stuff she is saying, but acknowledge that there are some nuggets in there.

    This woman obviously has big issues, after a partner that abused her and her kids. I totally understand that when a woman has been raped, active consent and desire on her part would be very important to her, and obviously it helps her, since she says that she can now have a much more passionate sex life that she enjoys.

    But I think there is all the difference in the world between a woman who is secure in a respectful relationship not necessarily wanting sex at that moment, but accommodating her partner because she loves him and wants to promote intimacy in the relationship, and being forced into it, or feeling that if she says no a person much bigger and stronger than her could get very aggressive. To say that they are the same really trivializes rape.

    Then there is that grey area where I really think she has a point. I wouldn’t call consenting after hours, days of anger and manipulation etc rape, but I would call it harrassment. Its important to recognise that some women, especially those with kids who would find it very difficult to support them financially on their own, can feel that they don’t have a lot of choices. This is where a list of behaviours like the ones she describes could actually be a useful point of self-reflection for a man, helping him to examine his own behaviour. You don’t have to call it rape to recognise that its bad behaviour.

    And men need to hear “no” and stop. If they hear “no”, and especially if the woman pushes them away, then they should back right off.

    There is a reason, after all, that God gave us masturbation…

    And Dig, what I notice about you is that you may be frustrated, grumpy etc about your sexual situation, but you seem to accept Arwyn’s boundaries. She says no and pushes you away and you stop. You don’t threaten to abandon her and the kids, applying financial pressure. Ergo, you are not a rapist. You are just a very frustrated man.

    I truly wish things were better for you and Arwyn, not only because it would make you feel better, but because Arwyn herself is missing out big time if at least some sexual pleasure is not part of her life.

    Emily

  10. Synergy says:

    Thank you Emily. Your point is well made, and I believe you’ve just stated exactly what I was trying to say, but was too twitterpated to articulate well. Many of these subjects are hot buttons for me personally. I agree a woman has every right to say no, and that is important to any woman. But we also have a right to say yes, under whatever circumstances we choose to exercise it.

  11. Denise Regan says:

    Jeez. I go out of town and you become a rapist?

  12. FTN says:

    What I find interesting is how many women I read about (or hear from, since I’ve had female friends who’ve complained about this) who hate sex, yet continue to do it. Not necessarily to please their husbands and make them happy because they love them, but only so they will leave them alone.

    I had a female friend in an awful marriage tell me that she was having sex with her husband nearly every night, because if she didn’t agree, he’d get all angry and she’d never get any sleep. Some men apparently get physically or verbally abusive, and some just get pissy. All of this amazes me for a couple of reasons:

    1) I can’t imagine having sex with a completely non-willing participant. If my Wife is just really not in the mood at all, it becomes obvious very quickly, and it just won’t work for me. Perhaps some of these women are too good of actresses?

    2) If you have young children, you’ll get this analogy easily: What do you do when your kids whine and scream and throw a tantrum because they want a toy at the store? Do you give in and buy them the toy? No! Because if you do, you’ve just taught them that by whining and screaming and throwing a tantrum, they can have a toy. It seems as if many husbands have learned that “if I get angry and pissy enough, and beg for sex, she’ll eventually give in.” What a crappy way to go about marriage.

    “No” shouldn’t be that hard to say sometimes… although I understand physical abuse is quite a different situation from guys just being in a bad mood.

    Are some of us men really just like over-caffeinated toddlers who MUST HAVE that toy we see at Wal-Mart? It seem as if some people must have grown up being accustomed to having whatever they want, as soon as they want it.

  13. but Cali – to extend your example…

    The lawn might have to be mowed. But if, say, the husband has hurt his back, has a project at work that keeps him there until dark, or whatever, and says “Honey, I’m sorry. I can’t mow the lawn tonight. I’ll get to it Saturday morning” then that need is still being taken care of, and the husband has input into the time and method.

    A man who writes a contract for an unwilling wife that says “You will be at my beck and call from the time the children go to bed until the time we both go to sleep,” is not just asking her to “meet his needs.” He is completely ignoring *any* input from her or consideration of *her* needs.

    Leela — haven’t you posted in the past that you will have sex that *hurts* when Phoenix wants it? Does he really not *care* that he’s hurting you? Don’t you think that even in a marriage, you have the right to say “Holy Cow! That hurts I don’t want to DO that!” ? If you don’t feel you have that right, why?

  14. I would like to read the Den of the Biting Beaver but it says I have to be invited and I don’t know how to get invited. Does anyone have a suggestion?

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