Got Drama?

This blog has gotten a bit light on the drama, lately, as I've slipped into this mode of introspective actualization. Don't be fooled. Even in the absence of drama, the potential is always there. Building, waiting and stalking.

So this morning, I just HAD to push the envelope. Arwyn put the boys on the bus while I jumped in the shower. In another life, my lover would join me in the steamy cubicle and we would soap each other up and produce our own steam. But this is not that life. I came out and she asked what shirt I was going to wear and then discussed the weather while I dried off and she lay on our bed, watching the morning news. I came out in just my underwear and proceeded to attempt to ravish her.

Egad. She complained about her back hurting, so that limited what I could do. We hugged and kissed for a bit. While hugging, she was watching the news. More hugging and kissing and me trying not to put too much weight on her. I did manage to get her sweat pants off and it felt really good to have some skin next to mine. But she was not going to let me at her breasts, and certainly not between her legs. She kept blocking my hands with hers. There was kissing and she tolerated this with a lot of grimacing.

Add that one to my list of rules: No grimacing.

The hugging and being close felt royally good…physically. Emotionally, it began to feel more like me engaging in rape. Yeah I could get off and I did. And retreated rapidly. I was going to be late for work.

We get two, 30 minute periods together per week that are child-free. No kids in the house at all. And for the most part, we might talk or chat and nothing more comes of it. But sometimes it might be nice for us to get together for adult fun. Once a week?

Hope can be such a dangerous thing. I keep thinking that once the kids are grown and gone, we can recapture the spark and the passion. But there's an hour a week where I already get a glimpse of that future. My future where I can get cheap thrills by raping my wife?

She tolerates it. But rarely, if ever, initiates. She stiffens and tenses in response to my touch. And grimaces at my kisses. Hope?

Yesterday, I alluded to Red and Andy's conversation in Shawshank Redemption. If memory serves me correctly, this takes place before Andy discovers another inmate who could prove that he was innocent. Once the warden has this witness killed, he throws Andy into a hole for weeks. Hope was apparently broken. But in fact, Andy had been working his escape plan for years in advance of that day. And in the end, he does get the last laugh.

I think it is possible to look at the reality without going into despair. And that means accepting the truth of what truly is instead of being led by a false hope of change. The hope is probably okay, as long as it is not accompanied by any expectation. Does Arwyn want to change? I see no indication of that. No books, tapes, magazine articles or other paraphernalia indicating any sort of willingness. In fact, she doesn't read the stuff she promised to read. I think this is in contrast to FTN's Autumn, who voices some desire to get into a higher sensual and intimate gear.

I accept that a person or a relationship can go through different seasons and this would be winter. But it has been an exceptionally long and cold one. I'm thinking of Narnia where the witch, Jadis, turns the world to ice and snow for a hundred years. I'd rather live in a world with the chick in the shower.


11 Responses to Got Drama?

  1. C-Marie says:

    I appreciate the “click in the shower” being mentioned and as always.. you’re always welcome.

    Re: your post.. this is where I am now. Even as I went grocery shopping, the thoughts cloud my being that things probably won’t change. When I kiss him, he need not try to still watch the tube. When I touch him, he need not remind me of how tired he is. When I mention the aspects of having sex, he need not sigh in obligating pressure.
    You’re right – the winter has been way too long….

  2. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing never dies…

    One of my very favorite movies.

    Andy Dufrense waited 27 years to get out of prison. Are we willing to wait that long?

    I’ve felt the same thing about touching my husband. Like I’m assaulting him. I HATE it. It’s the worse feeling ever.

    Ah…you are a good man for having some hope.

  3. Synergy says:

    To some degree I’m glad I can not empathize on the sexual plane, however on the intimacy (and yes, I do differentiate) it’s a slightly different story. My best wishes to you.

  4. So Gone says:

    I think that once the kids are grown and leaving the nest, that is the end of your marriage to Arwyn. The kids hold you together now, and once they are gone – what is going to hold you together? I hate being the negative one, but I think I’m being the most realistic. Read my post on Valentine’s Day about my parents and then you’ll understand.

  5. FTN says:

    Well, Red — can I call you Red? — as they say, get busy livin’, or get busy dying.

    I would have used a better quote, but AlwaysArousedGirl beat me to it.

    I think you and all of us know that the key here is communication. Sounds simple, but of course it isn’t, since you and Arwyn are both “avoiders,” as you’ve mentioned.

    I still would suggest counseling. Not necessarily just for the psychological aspects, but just to open up a better line of communication. I’m not saying the person sitting there with you has any magical powers, but in that room, you are forced to communicate, and you have someone who acts as a mediator and facilitator. You could say some of the things you always say here in your blog, and she would essentially be forced to think and talk about that information. Plus, you’d have an unbiased voice in the room.

    Who knows exactly what your wife is thinking. Not me. But until you have some more serious conversations about things, and both of you find ways to work on your problems, you are going to continue feeling like you are in a big, concrete prison.

  6. Square1 says:

    I would agree with FTN. Also chances are a counselor would agressively confront Arwyn, and not allow her passive answers. In my experience counselors are quite adept at winching the truth out of someone… about the only people who do it better are probably lawyers. I had one for a mom… so I speak from experience.

  7. aphron says:

    But, can he Arwyn to a counselor? Ah, there’s the rub? If Arwyn wants to avoid the issue, then I’d say the odds are not too good. To echo so gone, the future does not bode well, after the kids are gone.

    Arwyn needs a intervention, if she wants to stay in this marriage. Without two people activily working on the marriage, it is doomed to failure. There is only so much one person can do. I think the answer is some form of counseling but will Arwyn go? You will have to force the issue or swallow it. It’s a shit sandwhich no matter how one cuts it.

  8. Daisy says:

    When it comes to my husband and me, I’m like Arwyn. I’m not interested in his embraces. He doesn’t turn me on. Here’s the reason: because he’s treated me pretty awfully over the twenty years we’ve been married. Times got rough for him, I guess, and during that time, I was a handy scapegoat to blame his problems on. And blame he did. He took his little rock hammer and he smashed our relationship into a thousand shards. Things have gotten better for him since those years, and he’s happy once again, but the memory of what he’s done stays with me. Sure, the shards be pieced together, but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to be lovers with a guy who could say the things he’s said to me. He’s never said he’s sorry and he doesn’t ask what’s wrong so I figure he doesn’t much care.

    So that’s my story. For you, all I can say is, buck up some courage and find out what’s wrong.

  9. Cinnamon says:

    Digger, I know you’ve said so before, but how old are your kids again?

    I’m just thinking, either you can resign yourself to sticking it out until the last one turns 18, and in the meantime try during those years counselling and therapy,and see if things change (knowing that it will not be forever sometimes can help) or, you can get out now.

    The more you push Arwyn, the more she retreats. That is not going to change. Keep doing the same things, and you are going to get the same results.

  10. Walter says:

    I have to go with Cinnamon, but I believe there’s always hope things can change.

  11. Leela Lamore says:

    I dont know digger, i have been reading for a long time now and it has pained me to see your “hope” to see your sacrifice (strange i just posted about this in a way).

    I can only from my side “hope” for you that things with Arwen will in fact improve.

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