This is going to take a long time.
I can only simply hold my head in my hands and grieve. And then it comes to me; Good grief! I have no idea how to grieve properly! I've always done it improperly, teetering on the edge of self-destruction. My smoking was borne, not out of peer pressure, but of grief. It was with the understanding that while I wouldn't exactly kill myself, I wasn't going to prolong things more than necessary either.
There is such a fine line between hope and denial. Of course, many of you dear readers have been trying to drive that point home for a long time. Part of the popularity of this blog stems from the dogged struggle and the tenacity with which I have held on. I keep trying new and novel things, attempting to change my marriage and change Arwyn. I keep thinking, if only….maybe if….all we need is….I only wish…
These are delusional thoughts. That wishful thinking is denial, pushing reality off and away. But only for a time. Putting reality off with a bunch of wishful thinking has made for some good blogging but hasn't done much for dealing with things as they really are. Shedding these false beliefs has involved letting go of some much cherished fantasies. But I've also been able to see that things could always be worse.
While reading Walter's Blog I appreciated how little real fighting Arwyn and I do. I never have to worry about her starting something in public. When reading Desperate Husband, I realize the Arwyn does do the majority of the stuff with the kids and she at least washes and folds most of the laundry. And she does most of the dishes. And she generally does what she does without a lot of complaint. Yes, she is always tired and is sick a lot of the time and complains about that. But not about what she does. She endures a considerable amount of drudgery without complaining about it.
A lot of women would drive me up the wall with their constant prying and questioning and trying to dig into my head. Arwyn does not do this, and it is silly of me to complain and make out like she doesn't care about me when this was a major attraction of hers.
Arwyn is not a passionate person. She can be devoted and loyal, but not being hot headed makes her as stable as she is which is good for the kids and me. She does not scream and yell, as a rule. She does not slam doors or throw stuff. She keeps a lot in and seems to hold on to it forever. No wonder she is always tired.
She is not a sexual person. This is a huge area of grief for me, because I am. Or at least I thought I was. She'll give me a handjob if I ask for one but it's not the warmest, most intimate of experiences. Basically I'm being milked like a cow. As one who grew up milking cows, I don't equate this chore with anything good. It was a chore. It was a bothersome chore and I tried everything I could to get out of it. Which is how a lot of women feel about sex.
Just because Arwyn doesn't love me the way I want to be loved, does not mean it is not there. It's just in a different way. Some of you are wondering if I'm being loved as I need to be loved. What about my own needs? I'm still trying to figure out what those are. I like stability and security as much as anyone. The price I pay is the absence of volatile, sexual passion.
This sure as hell makes the whole Valentine's thing a major pain in the ass! I don't feel terribly motivated to spend a lot of money or go to a lot of trouble over it. There's no religious or personal significance attached to this day for us. It just comes every year with all of the attendant pressures. And let's face it, whatever it is that I do, I'm hoping that she'll be sufficiently touched and moved that she'll let me get into her pants. Which rarely ever, ever happens on V-day. There's no soft music, candles or lingerie around here. The Victoria Secret gift card remains the last of the Christmas gifts to be unused.
I don't know what to do about that. I think ignoring it altogether would be kind of hurtful, but making too much of a whoop-dee-doo puts more pressure on her to put out. That isn't bad except it never works.