I’m Becoming an Orc


It's been hard to find time to blog with RL work getting in the way. And the absence of material to move tbimgs along. At least until yesterday.

Last time, I was at a spot where not having sex was okay. To be sure, with work stress and age and whatever else is going on, my sex drive has been in decline. I get sick of reading and writing about it all the time. I get sick of being resentful about it. I get sick and tired of being sick and tired about it.

But yesterday morning, I woke up very horny! I had a raging hard-on. I actually thought about getting myself off. Arwyn was waking early enough so I inverted to snuggle her and hold her a bit. And we talked. I finally asked hher if she could use her hands on me and she said okay. Got the towel and it took all of about 45 seconds for her to stroke me off. I said that it was nice, and said that we needed some serious naked time and she agreed and said this weekend might be okay. Hey, so far so good! Right?

Fast forward to the evening.

Because I was hankering for an escape, I hooked up the headphones and watched The Two Towers. Arwyn was busily doing some work for her preschool lesson, cutting stuff out. She is forever cutting stuff out. She had earlier complained about how tired she was, and despite having the day off today where both boys would be in school, persisted late into the evening. About midnight, the real theatrics began. Just as the Ents were going to war. Just as Theodin and Aragorn were making their last ride. Just as Frodo was facing down a Nazgul…

The setting event for this was a rent check that arrived in the mail. Our renter is still two months behind after paying this installment. Arwyn was hankering to get her hands on that money. I told her NO as I was paying down the Target Visa that she had maxed out and we're paying the default rate of 27% thanks to her own being 2 months late before even telling me about it. The agreement was that I would pay the Visa but would also get the rent check when it came. She eventually gave me the check and I filled out a deposit slip and put it in our mailbox to go to the bank along with another check we had. 5 days and it would be in our account. Friday I would have money directly deposited from my paycheck. We are living on the vestiges of a paycheck that arrived before Christmas.

So she is working and I'm enjoying my movie. She comes back from checking on our youngest and says she needs to get him some medicine because he is congested. Allergy medicine that if I could spell Singulair I would tell you what it was. She dais she needed $30…NOW. I took off my headphones and reminded her that I would get paid Friday. 36 more hours, and she could get it. She hasn't given it to home in 3 weeks because she was broke despite all the Christmas money her dad gave her. So he has been doing fine until now. Until Arwyn saw we had a check. A check she wanted. I told her we would wait. Then she went off on how she desperately needed this medicine as Elmo was wheezing and she didn't want him to have to go to the hospital or DIE.


I'd had it. I told her that she was being ridiculous and sounded foolish. She could wait. NO, she said, she could not. $30 to buy it tomorrow.

I stormed out of the house, down to the mailbox, got the envelope with the precious check. I threw the envelop at her and then threw the Visa bill at her.


She was stunned. I was SO angry. Her and her fucking allergies. She's turning the boys into hypochondriac drug addicts, constantly pumping them full of that shit.

She returned the envelope with the checks. Visa bill (which I had already scheduled to be paid through billpay, anyway) and said all she wanted was $30. I was ready to take a road trip anyway, by then. So I drove to an ATM, withdrew $50 from a reserve account we have (and she's managed to mostly deplete) and bought some cigarettes. I was out of them and was willing hold off until payday when Arwyn came down with this crap. At midnight. And I had to work the next morning (under stress). And she didn't. I puffed, puffed, puffed my way home. I put $30 on the counter. She was getting ready for bed, and I was ready to go, too. She thanked me for getting the money. We went to bed and slept.

I don't smoke in the house. Never have. I know some of you are absolutely virulent against smoking by anyone, anywhere. To those who are: Fuck you.

I'm turning into an Orc.

Postscript Epilogue: This morning, Elmo threw up. Threw up food, not mucous. He has some sort of viral bug that the Singulair wouldn't have touched anyway.

And my check didn't go out in the mail at all. Postage went up to $0.39 at some point with barely even a hint of fanfare. Thank goodness I have all those 3 cent stamps from the last time they raised the rate.

So tell me: Any of you ladies ever fantasized about fucking an orc?


18 Responses to I’m Becoming an Orc

  1. C-Marie says:

    Can’t say that I’ve fantasized about it ever – but I’m game!

    I can relate to those spending quirks your wife seems to have. I have my mother and a sister who are the same way! It seems to be an endless road of spending for them while their hubby’s work their asses off to pay an endless black hole of debt! They can’t live without ANYTHING! My sister’s husband has now THREE jobs to pay down debt – she has a job herself (finally) but spends her proceedes and his on whatever she deems important. My mother’s old man has TWO jobs and they seem to never get out of their hole either. I find it funny that they complain about the bills and having no money but yet they’ve gone out shopping and found something really “cute” to buy.(and worthless)
    My sister went and financed a friggin’ 6 man hottub – but oh, I forgot, they’re broke!
    (sorry to ramble.. I do understand)

  2. Satan says:

    If we’re talking those smelly drippy Orcs from LOTR, no way. But I’ve always had a thing for those cute ones from WoW . . :)!

    I guess I’m the opposite of C-M – I don’t understand the spending thing. If you don’t have the money to spend, why is it so important to buy things? And you’d think a hypocondriac mother with kids she enjoys medicating would be spending her money on that stuff, rather than . . wait, what does she spend all that money on??
    I guess I just don’t understand this parent-child dynamic about money that you two have going on. She’s like a 14 year old girl who just got her first credit card and doesn’t really understand the meaning of paying it back, *or* knows that Daddy will catch her if she falls.
    SO frustrating, Digger!

  3. Square1 says:

    I would have taken the road trip, but not gotten the money. She sounds like a spoiled child.

  4. FTN says:

    Sorry, orcs just aren’t my cup of tea in the bedroom.

    Sounds like you need to hire a big guy named Bubba with a baseball bat to collect some back rent.

  5. O272 says:

    Rumor has it – rotavirus (or one of those) is sweeping the nation. Hope the kid gets better soon!

    I’m with you on giving kids all of those meds. They can’t build any kind of immune system if you’re boiling the pacifier every time you drop it, eh?

    And what’s an orc? I’m not volunteering for anything ’til I find out. 😉

  6. aphron says:

    I know how you feel. Sometimes something one does hits exactly the wrong way. Seeing red is not just a figure of speech.

  7. Yeah, Orcs are just a bit too slimy for me.

    Aragorn, however, is another matter entirely.

    I know what you mean about the money situation. My WB is a big spender; I’m a saver. Constant conflict. There is a huge gap between what he thinks he NEEDS and what I think he needs.

  8. Emily says:

    Sorry, Digger, I’m afraid I see her point on this one. She was probably already feeling bad about not having the medication for him, greeted the arrival of the cheque with huge relief, thought the $30 was justified and got furious when you wouldn’t give it to her. To be honest, I would feel the same. About this one incident. I can see there are issues around Arwyn and money about which you may well be fully justified.

    And smoking around your children will not help them if they have allergies.

    Money is a huge issue for most couples, especially in the very common context where one person earns most of it and the other does most of the spending. It can be a big control issue that gets even more emotional when issues like kids and their medication and worries about debt are concerned. People just don’t behave rationally about that kind of thing. And the whole childish resentment smoking in the house thing is really pretty funny when you think about it. When I’m really steamed at my partner, I eat crackers in bed, partly because I know how much he hates the crumbs!

    So don’t feel too bad. I reckon this one will just simmer down. Neither of you were blameless in this incident, and there probably isn’t a couple on earth who hasn’t had a bustup like the one you guys just had…


  9. Emily says:

    Sorry, Dig, just read your post again and saw that you DIDN’T smoke in the house. Good for you.


  10. ArtfulDodger says:

    The Digger rollercoaster continues, no judgements here my friend, only an observation. Up, down and around. Man, I feel for you I really do. Just when it seems you are finally starting to come to some peace about things, something like this happens to you and everything comes crashing down around you. That’s rough. I don’t know what that all means, I wish I did. cause then I could tell you.

  11. To be honest, I can see why you would have gotten upset. I think that there are just some things that aren’t NEEDED all the time. I am a huge believer in giving the kids meds IF they need them. But like you said, it wasn’t allergy related.
    I hope that things start to get better. I know that things were seemingly going in a better directions for you.
    Sucks when stuff like this happens and it feels like you take a huge step backwards.
    I know it’s frustrating. I won’t go into the money spending right now, but I know that when NSN was home we had so much more money going out and now that he’s “on his own” he all of a sudden has figured out how to save. I’m the one that doesn’t spend and now I’m the one barely getting by.
    It’s a horrible situation.

  12. JeN says:

    Yay to me being against smoking!

    Never an orc, I don’t think they look very clean.

  13. DH says:

    Dude..the last line cracked me up.

    Let me know how that goes or if you get multiple offers. I’m feeling rather orc-like myself these days.

  14. One Vision says:

    Very stimulating post. I’m quite new around here, this blog was a great find.

  15. Orcs? No. Elves? Maybe 😉

    As someone with severe allergies, can I just say that it is not “hypochondriac shit?”

    I’m old enough that when I was your son’s (older son, I assume?) age, there weren’t any truly effective allergy meds on the market that didn’t knock you out and give you jitters and dry mouth.

    I was miserable every spring and fall of my childhood. I was constantly sick with ear infections and strep throats and sinus infections. I dribbled snot everywhere, my skin chapped until it bled, I would wake up with my eyes stuck shut with dried allergy slime.

    Allergies are not the creation of the hypochondriac mind. They exist, they are highly heritable, and they can cause all kinds of problems..

    My first Seldane was a miracle to me. And I am so, so happy that my children, when they began to show signs of having inherited my seasonal allergies, have drugs at their disposal that work well and don’t turn them into zombies.

    Please don’t minimize your child’s allergies as a health issue or try to deny them medications as part of your power struggle with your wife, Digger. Please. Their health doesn’t deserve to become a victim of the War on Intimacy – even if it becomes a problem in the War on Debt.

  16. Addendum…

    Oops, I didn’t see your next post before I posted my comment. I see that you are aware of the danger of putting your children in the middle of this…

    Sorry. My bad.

    However, I will reiterate. Allergies=real.

  17. Well I guess that would first depend on what an Orc is. But then you’d have to be really good looking one at that.

    MMMMMMMMM!! Cigarettes. Thats was always my way of getting back at Summer when we were fighting. If I wasn’t smoking at the time I would start. If I was smoking at the time I’d smoke in the house (something I rarely did because when I wasn’t smoking I didn’t want the smell around.)
    All oretty childish the way i acted looking back on it now though. But thats hind site I guess.

  18. Denise Regan says:

    I assume you read my post on smoking. I’m glad you don’t smoke in the same house as your kids! For the record, I hate cigarettes but if I’m outside and someone is smoking outside, there’s no cause for concern. My former downstairs neighbor smoked and it used to get into my apartment, so it was a constant issue for me. But he’s gone now and I’m very thankful for that. I worry about people who smoke. I understand that it’s hard to kick it and I wish I could make it easier. As you know, I have asthma and allergies; I wouldn’t wish emphysema on anyone, not even George Bush, whom I absolutely hate.

    Speaking of the asthma and allergies, I know what it’s like to need drugs in order to relieve symptoms. However, I’ve also discovered that most illnesses are brought on by diet and I’ve found many altetnatives to drugs in nature. I used to use three medications a day for my asthma; now, I only use an inhaler occasionally. Treating chronic illnesses and allergies with herbs and healthy foods is a longer process, but ultimately, don’t you want to free yourself from the medical crutch?

    Also, medications are tested on animals; it’s no coincidence that long-term use of prescribed drugs have disasterous side effects on humans. Animals are tortured so that humans can overcome erectile dysfunction, not get pregnant, or avoid allergy symptoms when there are natural alternatives for all these things. I’m not somebody who believes animal testing is neccessary for humanity; I find this to be a load of crap.

    Did you know that garlic is an antibiotic? That gel from an aloe vera plant can be used as deodorant or taken internally to relieve allergies, pain and inflammation? That licorice sticks, boiled in a quart of water with fresh ginger and steeped for an hour will chase away the flu and bronchitis?

    Dependency on modern medicine and trips to the doctor’s office is debilitating. I only tell you all this so you know you have options; many people have no idea that they can take matters into their own hands when it comes to their health. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but since you’ve read my blog you know health matters are near and dear to me and I want to help others with their own health.

    And I don’t know what an Orc is.

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