Cleopatra and I still exchange emails on a regular basis, although not everyday, twice a day. She reads the blog, same as you all, and is really in my corner as far as making things work. She is always full of insight and we challenge each other.
One thing I’ve given her some grief about is her insecurities about her body. She’s never told me exactly what she considers her greatest flaw and I have not pressed the issue too hard But sometimes in my emails, I make her insecurities seem more of an issue than they really are. She really is a smart, well-read and stable person. But reading a recent entry by Always Aroused Girl about some of her insecurities made me think a bit deeper on this. And another comment by the mysterious Emily pointed me in an introspective direction.
Insecurity is as much of a factor in making sexual demands as control. In fact, the HL will frequently sacrifice an inordinate amount of control in exchange for sexual security, me being a primary example of that. As Emily and others have opined, we don’t necessarily just want sex, we want to be desired. We want our partners to yearn for us the same way we yearn for them. When this does not happen, we become rife with insecurities.
Am I too ugly and unattractive? What is it about me that is so repulsive? Am I too small? Am I too big? Am I too fat? Do I come too soon? Do I drag it out too long? Am I being punished for something? Is she thinking about leaving me or having an affair? What have I done to earn a sentence of lonliness?
Ah, lonliness. If there is one thing I’ve gleaned from me and my fellow HL brothers and sisters in clashing libido relationships it is the utter feeling of lonliness and abandonment that results from being rejected. If a LL is horrified to see their HL partner partaking in porn, how much more horrified is the HL at being rejected in favor of laundry, shopping, cleaning the cat littler and yes, even sleep? Before marriage, we frequently sacrificed sleep for sex. Morning noon and night. Now? We are left alone in favor of chores, work and other activities.
While our LL partners share in the responsibility, the feelings of insecurity and abandonment rest entirely within ourselves. The suffering caused by these feelings is used to justify the porn, the masturbation, the affairs, the kinks and all the resentment and anger we care to nurture.
And we do nurture it, don’t we? Our suffering becomes part of our religion and a part of who we are. What would I write about without all that baggage I have? This entire blog is devoted to my struggle to regain intimacy with my wife. Arwyn admits that she struggles with finding intimacy with me and I can see she is working on it. But is it enough? Or, like Pretty Peanut has expressed, is it too little too late?
For my part, I have had to struggle with my own greediness. When I get sex approaching regularity, I want more. The more I get, the more I want. And it’s difficult for me to wrap my mind around someone who finds something enjoyable that they don’t want to do again and again…unless they don’t enjoy it. Which feeds more insecurity. Why can’t I just enjoy what I’m getting, instead of constantly asking for more?
Because I have no idea if and when the next famine is coming. And since I’m in a position of either begging or just waiting, I feel the need to make every single enounter count, which causes a great deal of anxiety. If I screw it up, chances are I’m going to have to wait even longer.
A frequent complaint by LLs is that they feel like they become objectified and only used for sex, simply providing a service to a greedy, shallow and selfish partner who is fixated only on sex. The HL counterpart to this is being only appreciated for chores, money or other resources provided. A HL person may rely on sex to express intimacy, and to have this need diminished or trivialized becomes akin to rejection and a different sort of objectification.
I was feeling a bit nauseous over the weekend, but was feeling better by Sunday night. Without much physical touch, my insecurities started kicking in and I wondered if Arwyn was mad at me for being semi-bedridden. This feeling persisted until after the boys were on the bus and we spent some time just hugging. This is just the thing; if I want 2 minutes of hugging and she finds something to do after 2 minutes, one second, that insecurity is still going to crop up. Why? Because she’s not doing it because she loves me, she’s doing it to get me off her back and to satisfy the minimum requirement. There is one source, at least for me, of Broccolieater’s x+1. If we agree to having sex once a week, and she does it every week like clockwork, this is still going to look like Emily’s Mercy Fuck. I’m feeling less than fully loved because I’m getting the obligatory bare minimum. She doesn’t want me, because she doesn’t love me.
And I think this is a fundamental hang-up of most HLs. If our partner’s loved us, they would want to make love to us and understand that our desire is a natural extension of our love for them. The LL take is that if we loved them we would be more understanding and less demanding. When we begin treating our partners like they are being selfish and unloving and they begin to act like that, we feel justified. So do they. “Aha! See? When I stop putting out, he treats me like crap! I’m nothing more than his cheap whore! The only reason he is nice to me at all is when he wants to get into my pants!”
Could Arwyn diminish my insecurities by acting differently? She could probably help by not feeding them so much rejection. But it would also be necessary for her to initiate some physical interractions of her own, beyond anything I explicitly ask for/demanded. She could still have some autonomy and control over her own body while respecting my needs.
But most of this falls on me. I need to turn my own mind around. First off, as many readers have noticed, I sincerely and mightily struggle with gratitude. Last time we couldn’t have full-on sex so I got a handjob instead. I was more disappointed in not being inside of her than I was grateful that she spent time touching me at all. I also have a very poor understanding of unconditional love. Yes, it’s what everyone says they want and expect, but most of us do a piss poor job at loving others that way. Children are sort of an exception, but they do not represent a true, adult reciprocal relationship.
I do have a rudimentary understanding of how behavior effects feelings. I will never feel better about Arwyn by treating her badly. In fact, my treatment towards her probably has more effect on my feelings toward her than whatever she decides to do. The worse I treat her, the more space I create for contempt. “Do unto others…” has at least as much benefit for the person doing the doing as the person it is being done to.