I spent most of the day thinking I had nothing to write. So I worked this evening on something for Unsolicited Advice, and now I do have something to say. But if you don't read that article and my Top 10 list , you won't have any idea what I'm talking about.
That entire list is borne of personal experience. When I look at my list of LL characteristics, Arwyn scored 10/10 on the original list. If the other two items make the list (based a lot on your feedback) she will be 12/12.
So, looking at that list, when did these things manifest or when did I realize them?
1. No inclination towards sexual topics, items or subjects. – It took some time to see that one. When she forbade me going to a strip club for my bachelor party, that could have been a red flag. Or maybe the fact that she rarely ever wore lingerie for me. Within the first year of marriage this became pretty glaring.
2. No sexual fantasies – The only way to know this is by asking them what they are. I did ask about this before marriage and I didn’t really believe her when she said she really didn’t have any. I had so many fantasies; the concept of having none was totally foreign to me. It was impossible. Well…it isn’t impossible. Within a couple of years this, too, became pretty obvious.
3. Thinking, talking, having sex is a chore. – This built over time and it took about a year after marriage before it became so obvious and then really built up from there. It became more and more of a chore over time until it barely became tolerable.
4. Easily satiated and for longer periods of time. – Sex revs me up for more sex. Not so for Arwyn, post marriage. Before marriage, we were banging everyday, twice a day for the first couple of months. But she did not initiate very much at all. She now says more than once a week is just not physically possible for her. Early in the marriage, she had headaches, was sick and constantly tired.
5. Boundries and limitations on sexual practices – This one was obvious real early on. She begged off oral sex unless right after we had a shower. Then it was “Not right now.” Then, right after the honeymoon, it was “I don’t want you licking me and I’m sure not licking you.” There was very little exploration allowed. There was sex, but it was very straight forward.
6. No Open Mouthed Kissing – That one was obvious almost immediately. She blamed it on my smoking. When I quit for a month or so, she never opened up. Using the tongue in kissing was clearly not something she enjoyed or missed else she would have been after me. But in honesty, I accepted this limitation. If it was the only one, I would have been fine. But it was not the only one.
7. Initiating – As mention in #4, there was very little. But since she was responding to my frequent initiations I didn’t notice much. She mentioned something about all the pressure so I backed off. But it was never far enough. She might have actively initiated 2-3 times since we’ve been married. It was a year or so before I really took notice of this.
8. Talking about it as if it is something she gives up or I get. – Well, while true very, very early on in our sexual life, I did not think of it as significant. Certainly not significant enough to call off a wedding or get a divorce. Or even fight about. But it is just one more thing I could have considered before the wedding day or one more thing we could have discussed but didn’t.
9. Not worth the effort. – When we first got married, she was not working and there were no kids, but she still managed to find other things that would interfere with our sex life. Other things she had to do first, like change cat litter, do dishes, fold clothes. It was not long at all when I discovered that sex was not a high priority. This one actually did surface before the wedding as the wedding planning itself consumed massive amounts of time. I diddn’t think much of it, but just thought it was temporary stress. See #11.
10. Hostility towards discussing the topic. – That one took much longer to really fully realize because I was so embarrassed to have this problem. I finally tried to confront her on it sometime after our oldest was born, and she nearly bit my head off for it. Any attempt at approaching this, and I get attacked for being selfish and self-centered and sexually addicted and only thinking with my dick and being inconsiderate and so on and so on. Not so long ago, I was subjected to crazy monkey fits. She literally jumped up and down like a crazed monkey, screaming, yelling and crying, accusing me of the above. It was scary to see someone go that nuts. Was this really worth the trouble it obviously caused her?
11. Pressure Handled Poorly – It didn’t really get across into my head fully until just recently, and some of your blogs spelling it out for me. I read about LL spouses crying, getting sick, getting depressed and generally falling to pieces because they might have to have sex with their partners. I saw Arwyn and how she handled any impending “Alone time” or “dates” or any expectations of sex. She has improved on that score, as the previous two holidays demonstrate. She still may not be looking forward to it but she is trying.
12. Control – You read all about that in my New Year’s post. I have felt my sexual space shrink more and more over the years but only now fully realized my total confinement. My kinks are definitely my way of trying to discover and explore more sexual territory and find more space.
We should have discussed these things before we got married. We should have discussed them earlier in our marriage. We should discuss them more often, now. Things that were not so good early on got much worse, and new bad habits and limitations appeared as time went on. For those struggling and not married – don’t get married until this stuff is discussed and resolved. That’s my advice. I was ignorant and made errors, not that I’m anywhere near ideal in other respects. But there was no benchmark, no list of things to look out for or guidance in this area. Yeah, there’s the advice to communicate, but communicate about what? I wasn’t the best and am still not the best communicator, myself. I’d prefer communicating through sex, but that’s not much use here…
I am curious, are there any women who don’t have any of these 12 twelve issues?