Masturbation

FTN talked a bit about this, and I'm going to admit that he is a better man than I am on this particular subject. What he is practicing is a purer form of chastity than I've been able to acheive. I've pretty much ditched the porn, although a good sexy story does get my blood up. I like good looking women as much as the next guy. Some of your HNT pics are really kicking! FTN has covered the porn topic extensively, and covered it well.

So I'm going to take a crack at masturbation as a topic and see how it flies, just from a slightly different perspective.

My perspective is a bit different since I have been actively been doing it and then actively NOT doing it at varying intervals over the last few years. I've written about my first experiences, which actually involves a whole different kink and set of deviant behaviors but it remains to be seen if I'll ever post that. I have also covered my introduction to the cage in a post written back in June and linked on my side bar.

I have a couple of takes on this and tried a dry, biological treatise that might appear elsewhere. But after reading other chastity sites I've opted for a different approach.

Men are selfish bastards. There's no getting around it. Sorry guys, but we are what we are. Especially when it comes to sex, we can sometimes get downright heartless and abusive. Women can be socialized into that mindset, but as a group, men have historically been totally self-centered about sex. This is not to say men can not enjoy giving sex for its own sake. We can richly enjoy giving oral sex, as demonstrated by a recent discussion on oral sex. But it will be the exceedingly rare man who can eat his wife out without some form or promise of reciprocation.

But this is about masturbation. And masturbation is about self-pleasure and self-satisfaction. Not many are going to blame me for resorting to it during a 100 day sexual drought. However, note that the end of that drought did not occur until after I started what I thought was going to be a long stretch of enforced chastity. What's up with that?

Masturbation is like a relief valve on sexual tension. Nocturnal emissions are the body's natural way of dealing with a build-up in men. I'm not aware of any companion phenomenon in women. But I'm mostly confining my treatment of this to men, because it is men who are mostly the ones who are more likely to be compulsive masturbators. Plus, the responses of women who masturbate tend to be different than that of men. Regular masturbation can actually increase a woman's sex drive, whereas a man's desires tend to diminish for a time right after orgasm. Finally, a woman would be better able to adress this area. I don't know of any women who are getting sex on a regular basis who are struggling with masturbation as a habit or compulsion. They may do it, but I've never heard of a woman too sated from masturbation to have sex.

Men, OTOH, do it all the time. Some of you women know this. So Gone and Tajalude are two well-known victims of neglect on account of porn and masturbation. C-Marie is another one I am all but certain is suffering on account of her partner's masturbation.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and further guess that each of these guys feels a bit badly about their wanking habit. They are all secretive about it and don't like talking about it. Any confrontation results in defensiveness about it. And this is mostly true of most guys.

Anonymously blogging about it is a far cry from discussing it with our buddies, wives, girlfriends and dates. If you want to throw a guy for a loop and fish for some exceedingly interesting reaction, ask him when the last time he masturbated was. If he says he doesn't and has never, ask him when the last time he had a wet dream. This would be a guy you know well enough to ask this sort of question. If he's gone more than a couple of weeks without sex, it's a very fair question. If it's been more than a month and you're married or dating, it is a necessary question.

Guys do not discuss when they do it, how often they do it or how they do it with their familiars. I've been close to a number of fellows as room mates and buddies. If it is discussed, it is always in the most impersonal and abstract of terms. We sort of know everyone is doing it, sort of like farting. But unlike farting, most guys do not make a sport of it. Howard Stern might make sport of it, but that's part of what makes him a "shock jock."

In many ways it is like an addiction. Look up the signs of addiction:

1. Feelings of guilt or shame

2. Secretive behavior

3. Unable to stop despite making repeated attempts to do so

4. Disruptions to family, professional and personal life

5. Engaging in potentially risky behaviors

6. Frequently, it is used to relieve anxiety, stress or boredom.

3 or more of these and one might be looking at a pattern of behavior that is more self-destructive than beneficial.

I'm not going to get into the moral ramifications of this, as much as discuss why a pattern of orgasm-on-demand has its hazards. Like food-on-demand it can result in gluttonous and inconsiderate behavior. It is entirely too easy to take for granted that which we can have whenever we want. That is to say, gratitude is much more difficult. One does not cherish that which they can obtain too easily.

In the case of men, we are generally more considerate when in a higher state of arousal. Compare the behavior of a man during courtship compared to right after he's gotten into a woman's pants. That often distant or even nasty behavior is a cliche for good reason. Which brings us back to men as being selfish at times.

I need to mention something about a sexually anorexic partner, in light of what I've just said. The same economy of scarcity does not necessarily apply to them. That is, if they are actively avoiding anything sexual, witholding in order to contrive gratitude will not likely achieve any success.

Witholding from a chronic masturbator, OTOH, will yield up bucket loads of resentment. Why? Because masturbation relieves physical tension without relieving any of the emotional tension. In a marriage, this can be mightily destructive. Sexual tension can and will change behaviors and thoughts towards more productive methods. Without the physical tension, the emotional tension is left to itself and the drive for improvement is greatly diminished. Thoughts are left to fester. Physical relief comes at the expense of action, and what's left is the garbage of resentment.

FTN and I are on differing roads, but we both have a similar fundamental understanding of masturbation and how it plays out in our marriages. I actually have some loosely controlled experimental data to back it up. Longtime readers can even attest to a difference in my style of writing after a period of time locked and caged up. Most readers seem to favor it, but not everyone would agree as to its efficacy. And certainly the health consequences warrant more investigation, altho I am taking more precautions this time 'round with the Aneros. The results for me indicate that chastity within marriage is a promising intervention for some of the clashing libidos issues that we have.

D.

I actually wrote this before Taja's husband, Tom, made his debut blogging post on the subject (Written Dec. 26th). I wanted this to get a post-holiday veiwing.

Bravo, Tom!

And to answer one persistent thought about my last post, "Why not use lube?" As a matter of fact, I brought it up, and Arwyn shot it down immediately. She has never used lube in our encounters, artificial or natural. I, OTOH, am a believer and have a variety of lubes at my disposal for use with my various toys. It's a rare occasion that Arwyn will allow lube even when giving me a handjob. Thank you for the warm thoughts and a few laughs. I highly recommend this method of bringing in the New Year and having a private "Ball Drop!"LOL!

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11 Responses to Masturbation

  1. Dewdrop says:

    There’s so much I could write regarding my marriage on this subject, but it’s like a spider’s web. I was thinking about the sexually selfish side of my husband just last night and tons of thoughts flooded into my head.

    It made me laugh when you said how secretive most men seem to be about their masturbating – very true, at least from my experience lol.

  2. Leela Lamore says:

    You are right … men are particularly when it comes to sex.

    You have inspired me (again).

  3. mallory says:

    This post has been removed by the author.

  4. FTN says:

    “Men are selfish bastards.”

    That sounds like it could be a bumper sticker.

    I had actually just begun writing about the topic of “instant gratification” and how it relates to masturbation in marriage. Interesting. Orgasm-on-demand does indeed relieve a physical need, but doesn’t deal with the emotional ones. I do feel like my marriage has improved a lot in the past year, and I bet my wife would agree. I’m much more honest with her, and I don’t have the resentment that I had before.

    Please don’t think I’m a better man. Not at all. I had years and years of masturbation, but I’ve only had 8 months away from it.

  5. Interesting post on one of my favorite subjects and favorite activities for over 50 years (really!). I agree that it’s easier talking about it in an anonymous blog than with your very best friend though. If people only knew what a wanker I was!!!

  6. O272 says:

    **If you want to throw a guy for a loop and fish for some exceedingly interesting reaction, ask him when the last time he masturbated was. If he says he doesn’t and has never, ask him when the last time he had a wet dream.**

    I will!

    Good post, Dig. Interesting take on the matter. I don’t think masturbating increases my sex drive, personally…but I do feel a whole lot better after doing it! 😉

  7. sarahjayne says:

    “They may do it, but I’ve never heard of a woman too sated from masturbation to have sex.”

    Well, felt the need to share – there have been occasions when in the morning I’m craving a quickie, yet the man is fast asleep (no hope in waking him here, even with some ‘mouth music’). My “self-gratification” solution: lay back and give my self some 1-on-1 time. Only a few times has he awakened and wanted some action – and if I haven’t had enough recovery time, ‘sorry hunny, I’m a little sensitive right now… maybe later’

  8. Katie says:

    Interesting. Porn actually bothers me more now than it used to, maybe I’m becoming a prude. I think it’s mostly because so much of it seems the same. (Or is at least filmed/photographed in the same fashion.)

  9. DHP says:

    Very interesting Digger.

    I have actually been somewhat open with DW about my masturbation. If she asks me the last time I did, I actually tell her. This has come about since we have both become more sexually open with each other.

    What I find interesting is how much the “physical need” of masturbation isn’t there for me now that our sex life is more frequent, thus taking care of the “emotional need.” I used to feel the strongest desire for masturbation the morning after we had sex. I don’t think I have taken care of myself since the last time aunt flo came to visit her.

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