The End of My Involuntary Celibacy

12/06/2005

Tuesday

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my struggles within the realities of a marriage and hopefully and eventually the redemption of that relationship. Hopefully, within that process, readers can be entertained and enlightened by my witty hyperbole and/or maybe learn a thing or two even if it is by my bad example.

If neither of these apply to you, perhaps you should move on. Hit 'next.' Take a hike. Get lost. Bugger off. Take the piss. Fuck off!

I had more vitriole in readiness for a 100 days post, but will let this be sufficient. On with the story line that is mine…

Last night, I did nothing special to commemorate the occasion. Since Arwyn was working on some project, I didn't even get a post in, which is probably fortunate. I do have comments about comments but will bring those on later.

I ended up going to bed earlier, and got myself off. This morning, I was determined to put an end to the involuntary celibacy one way or another. As it turns out, it was another. I saw the boys before they got ready to get on the bus and then got ready for work.

First, I tested out the repaired CB3000. I gave it a good hard pull to see if it would come apart. And it did, right along the seam. This is a common problem with these things, and it wasn't my best repair job. Back to the drawing board on that. However, the Curve is my back-up, and I'd done a much better job on that one. So after my shower, I fit the Curve, locked it up with a new Masterlock, and left the keys on the counter. Arwyn gets the first shot at them if she wants. Otherwise, tonight I will deal with them in my own way. Voluntary chastity is not the same as involuntary celibacy, and I'm sure I will split that hair in later posts. Suffice it to say, once locked up I was ready to go. Almost. There was still one bit of unfinished business…

I emerged from the bathroom to find Arwyn back in bed. I knelt down and gave her a kiss. Then another one. Then a hug. Then I told her I loved her. Silence.

"Do you think you can ever love me?" I asked? Silence. But the waterworks were coming. I knew it and steeled myself. For the next 40 minutes we hashed out some stuff. I was all over, and confronted her on several fronts. Most of the answers I got were lame and unsatisfactory.

What do you expect me to do?

Do you think it is normal to go this long without sex?

You said you need trust, just what exactly do you mean by that?

Don't you ever think about US?

Don't you think we owe it to our kids to make more than a token effort?

It is true that sometimes I can be hard to talk to. Unlike most couples where one party is the initiator and the other avoids, Arwyn and I are both avoiders. Neither of us likes confrontation. But I pressed some of the issues.

Sex is not THE issue but it is a major barometer of how things are going in a marriage. The correlation between sexual frequency and marital satisfaction is so high that one is used to cross check the other. IOW, a person saying they are not having sex on a regular basis but says that their marriage is fine is probably either lying or in denial. The inconsistency warrants further explaination. By the same token, couples having frequent sex almost always report higher levels of marital satisfaction. Sex is a source of support, comfort and connection that sustains couples through all of life's changes.

This is something I wish Summer Rose, Peanut, Sie, Dewdrop and FTN's wife (who really needs a name) could get and understand. To these women, sex is a source of stress, anxiety, pressure and conflict. Often it is an issue of control analogous to the food anorexics extreme withdrawal from food. Just the mere expectation of anything sexual can ruin an entire day or an entire experience. That doesn't sound very comforting to me. It is about intimacy and connection that is central and vital to a healthy man's well-being. A sexually happy man is much more likely to give the warm, affectionate and affirming strokes that most women want and need. It is a constant thing, going well on into old age. Sorry to horrify those of you hoping and wishing your mate would lose their sex drive. But how do you expect the security of the marriage relationship to be maintained without the universally intimate act of sexual communion?

Moving on…

I was already late for work when I left. Yes, Arwyn was crying, but not once did I call her a stupid cunt. Sorry, I realize that I am less of a man in some of your eyes for that. Not once did I call her a cold, frigid bitch. Again, sorry to those of you who have no respect for me and my spineless ways. I also negelcted to tell her to take the cob out of her ass so I could fuck her up her shithole. I know, I know. I'm a hopeless, gutless pussy. I also refrained from bitch slapping her and knocking her around, blackening both her eyes and bloodying her nose. I know, I know. No one could respect someone like me who would let a woman walk all over him that way and take her abuse. I should have busted her jaw so that she'd be having the rest of her sorry-assed meals through a straw. I'm a regular pushover. I can't believe anyone would take anything I say seriously. It's amazing I found a woman to marry me at all, with that sort of pathetically weak attitude!

Okay, that is me throwing my dagger into the spectators, who are watching me from canvas-covered parapets, sipping wine and eating grapes. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?

Let me contrast the sentiments expressed in recent comments with a unique view sent to me by a young lady who has lots of male friends who happen to be married:

I have found a man is the most honest when he is your friend. Of course, we hope that a man could be completely open and honest with his wife… but that is not the case in probably 99% of marriages. He fears rejection and long-time punishment for anything he might say that doesn't please her. He learns to lie and cover-up. He learns to stiffle his emotions and feelings. He learns to do what is necessary to keep things afloat and not ruffle feathers. Those men who don't learn this have times when they say things and it seems like all hell breaks loose. Some continue to be honest and others, after a couple of blow-ups, learn to adjust as the aforementioned men already have.

I am interested especially in what other gentlemen who have been following along have to say about this. I thought is was remarkably insightful and articulated exactly what I could not. Gentlemen, what say you?

Women can comment, too. You would, anyway, even if I told you not to!

D.

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20 Responses to The End of My Involuntary Celibacy

  1. Square1 says:

    Digger I would never infer that you insult, beat or in any other way hurt your wife or marriage by aggressive action. I’m simply saying it’s time to stop hurting through inaction. That’s all. It’s good that you talked, even if it may have seemed fruitless. Keep talking. Keep pushing, little bits by little bits… when you have an opportunity… give a drastic shove… in the metaphorical sense of course. I think this in addition to the extra attention to intimate details that the cage seems to evoke in you will be good… but I think avoiding counseling is hurting you guys. I think what most of your commenters are trying to infer is that you need to fish or cut bait… your choice, but quit sitting on your hands. Some of us hope to see you work it out. Some probably hope to see you move on to greener pastures… but in any case most of us care that you are PURSUING happiness and not griping about not attaining it.

    As to your last I can not speak for the male gender. Sorry I lack the equipment. But I do see a lot of myself in that particular paragraph. In fact I see a lot of both my husband and I. We do the same to each other. We avoid… and avoid… and avoid… until it can be avoided no longer…. then once that hits the gloves are off… for both of us. That extreme is unhealthy and hurtful. We’re trying to find a better balance, just as you are, friend.

  2. Tajalude says:

    I absolutely positively cannot comprehend why you would associate the comments that were made about having a lack of respect for a man who won’t stand up for himself with beating your wife. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. There’s a big difference between self respect and standing up for yourself and letting another person (your wife or anyone else) dictate the way you live your life. The facetious visuals you created are completely irrelevent.

    I read about your struggle because I am hopeful for a positive solution. As an unbiased outsider, I can only comment on the one side I get to see. As that outsider, it becomes painfully obvious to me that you’re on a merry go round, going in circles, your surroundings never changing. If this was the hill I’d chosen to die on, I’d be making that hill as livable as possible. Since Arwyn is obviously not willing to partake or initiate in improving the situation, then it’s completely up to you. Both of you are avoiders? Hasn’t avoidance gotten you where you are?

    Like I said… I can only call ’em as I sees ’em. Your situation is so sad and lonely that it just seems like it would be so much better if you could get both of you talking. In the end none of anything I’ve had to say makes any difference, but I guess I feel the need to say it anyway.

  3. Satan says:

    “Women can comment, too. You would, anyway, even if I told you not to!”

    It’s *so* true.

    “He fears rejection and long-time punishment for anything he might say that doesn’t please her. He learns to lie and cover-up. He learns to stiffle his emotions and feelings. He learns to do what is necessary to keep things afloat and not ruffle feathers.”

    THIS is what I was talking about. I don’t know how to explain it better than this woman did.
    A man who will stifle his emotions, who is afraid of tears and helpless in the face of female rage will always lose in a marriage.
    Women get mad, they cry – but that DOESN’T have to be the end of the argument!

    By the way, what happened? How did it end? What answers did she give to those burning questions?

  4. ArtfulDodger says:

    Dig, man, I feel for you I really do. Lots of emotion today for you and lots of it coming out in your post. I don’t want to come off giving advice when I’ve only recently finished reading your blog, who the heck am I anyway? But take a deep breath and let us know the rest, because there obviously is more to this than you’ve told us. On the surface it seems like a good thing that some confrontation happened, at least you started that process. It had to feel good to get some of that out of your system.

    We don’t know what she said to your questions, and maybe it doesn’t really matter right now. The most important thing is you took a big step today, maybe you aren’t at the top of the ladder yet… Oh Hell! I can’t believe I’m using metaphors again! Sorry.

    There is only so much we can do for you my man, this is a tough spot. I KNOW what it means to just shut up and adapt and avoid the big showdown. AND I know what it means to finally have enough and get it all out in the open AND not have it mean a THING! Or change anything. But it did ultimately feel so much better.

    Keep the courage.

  5. Rob says:

    Well Digger, it appears that 3 of our beautiful lady blog commentor friends beat me to the punch in posting my comments to you tonight. But that is fine as I know that you respect their views and know that they wish you only happiness in your marriage.

    You know my views and my background so I will not waste your time nor the electrons to post them here again. I will say simply this. The key to any relationship – be it between man and wife or between nations – is ongoing honest MUTUAL communication. You may not elect to choose professional counseling. Fine. You have (up to now) primarily communicated mostly with us here. But that has “avoided” involving your wife hearing your views nor speaking of her own. So you really do have one acceptable choice and still remain within your marriage and that is that you AND Arwyn must communicate with some other real life person (or persons), whomever you should choose, whether professional or not. Why? Very simple. Both of you are avoiders and both of you are stubborn and lastly both of you will never listen to each other. Therefore you both need to listen to some 3rd party. There is no other option. None that I can see – longterm. You’ve asked for us gentlemen’s comments. Here are mine. I’ve now said enough. No more words. You must now act.

  6. Digger Jones says:

    Tell you what, Square, sign me up for counseling when you get your boy in there. Or just tell me what the doc prescribes him, and get me one too! Let’s just relax and see what happens, eh? It might not be funny or pretty but it has some drama to it. And hold on to your butt cause here comes the kink!

    Uh, Taja? In the context of your relationship, your comment makes perfect sense. Read my blue paragraph again, and then look at Tom. I appreciate the concern and all that. I did gradually and deliberately exaggerate my examples into more and more violent forms of assertiveness. As I told Arwyn this morning, you will NEVER respect and like someone more by treating them badly. Else the Jews would have all been admired and adored by the Nazis. Your point about assertiveness it well taken.

    Satan, Arwyn could not formulate honest answers to most of those questions, and I didn’t have time to wait for her to think it through. The one issue that was resolved was that if I told her what I wanted, she’d cook dinner for me at night. Not too exciting. But I left it for some thinking and some revisiting at a later date. FWIW, I did push further and longer through all the crying stuff. And when she tried to flee, I really confronted her about that and she stayed put although she wanted to hide under a rock.

    Besides, my memory is too poor to remember stuff verbatum! FWIW, I felt better about it, though.

    Artfuldodger, I am struggling to keep caught up with you! Thank goodness I got in early!LOL! Nobody *HAS* to do anything! This is my battle, and I’m letting everyone watch free of charge. To learn or laugh or to ponder. Take it back to their own blogs to mull over and discuss if they want to take up the space. I don’t agree with everything everyone does, as we all have different ways of doing things. Will I take your road? I don’t know, but I’m going to learn from it what I can as long as you are willing to share about it.

    As opposed to ROB, who has not chosen to open himself up to the scrutiny of the mob. Rob the mob!LOL! I will act in my own time in my own way. Or as God wills, as the case may be. Her mother is coming up in a couple weeks. Hang on to your butt for that one.

    Y’all are some impatient buggers!

    In anycase, I have a 5 A.M. appointment with a massive hard on, so I’d best get to bed.

    D.

    D.

  7. Digger, I agree with the woman 100%! That is exactly where I am at right now. All of it. Which is a point that you made in your last post but I was to caffined to catch. I am so afraid to say something that she won’t like. Because if I say something she don’t like that might be the last staw and she might be gone. So I did the friend route. I have a female friend that I talk things through with. Summer does know about her. She even encourages me to talk to her.

    As for the part about summer and some of the other Bloggers and their wive’s here’s my take on Summer and I. To me she wasn’t witholding sex to use it as a control thing. Instead she would do the opposite and give me sex to NOT talk about the issues I wanted. She would use sex in the opposite way as a control tactic. Although she did see sex as a stress inducer as you stated untill recently. We had a long talk aboiut it, and it seems to have helped out quite a bit. That or I could have blinders on.
    CH

  8. Square1 says:

    Thing is D. I may never be able to get my husband into counseling. I can’t control him. Don’t want to.

    But I have gone myself… and the other difference? Cubed knows we are in an unhealthy cycles, he acknowledges it, analyzes it, thinks through it, and researches it in much the same ways that you do… he just doesn’t blog about it. He talks to me about it instead.

    I’m not saying this to be self righteous… just saying… your retort holds no water to justify your avoidance of something that could potentially be helpful, if not to the marriage at least to you.

  9. DH says:

    I agree with the woman commenter completely…I know I’m an avoider too and I don’t want to encounter the angry or crying wife.

    My wife has a very venomous side to her arguments…she gets it from her mother and it drives me fucking crazy.

    You know I feel for you and the things you’re going through. You’re killing me in the INCEL department, but there’s no denying we both suck in getting laid by our wives…or anyone for that matter.

    Hang in there man. I can’t think of anything else to add at this point…I have an early flight myself. Good luck with your appointment.

  10. Satan says:

    “The one issue that was resolved was that if I told her what I wanted, she’d cook dinner for me at night. Not too exciting.”

    I actually think that’s QUITE exciting. No more dinners made just for the kiddies, leaving you out in the cold. This is absolutely a step in the right direction.

  11. So Gone says:

    Sorry if my “respect” comment in the last post upset you, just trying to be honest here.

    I think the dinner thing is actually a pretty huge step, although it might not be as exciting to you right now as some other forms of intimacy. To me, her actually caring enough to cook you dinner from now on is probably a huge dose of intimacy on her part and could lead to bigger things.

  12. FTN says:

    First of all, nice Gladiator reference.

    Second of all, nice sarcasm. Hyperbole appreciated.

    I do agree, however, with others that have stated you need to stand up for yourself EMOTIONALLY. But perhaps you are doing that now. I don’t know the whole story. Having two “avoiders” in a marriage makes things really difficult on the communication front. Which is why, as others have mentioned, counselling is even more vital.

    When you sit in an office with your spouse and a professional like that, there is no easy way out. You can’t hide in a corner, or cry your way out of it. No, it isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t work for everyone. We’ve tried it, and we may try it again. But I don’t see any good reason to specifically NOT at least give it a try.

    And yes, I think I need to come up with a name for my Wife.

  13. Sie says:

    OK, now wait a minute…. Sex (for me)was only a source of conflict with a husband I didn’t love. No love = no sex.

    And if when we said, “..confront her,”

    and you heard “beat her up,”…

    It’s no wonder you and Arwyn aren’t communicating.

    And yes, I am curious to know what she said. Not that it really matters….If she won’t even say she loves you, I can guess the non answers you got. I’m guessing if she tells you the truth, a divorce could be your response. And for many women, the thought of being alone with kids is enough to make them stay in marriages and just avoid, avoid, avoid.

    If you can’t tell, most of us are in your corner, hoping that something, anything(!) will make a difference to Arwyn and that she will open up and begin to return your affection.

  14. Melissa says:

    What would your reaction be if she had said, “No, I will never love you.”? Have you really answered that question for yourself?

  15. You left random Masterlock keys on the counter, didn’t tell her you’d locked yourself up again, and then expect (hope) her to take charge of the keys herself, or (presumably) you’re going to mail them to another woman?

    Talk about topping from the bottom. Of course it’s not going to work. And then you can resent her for not being psychic.

    I agree with the women who have said “If you equate being told to stand up and assert what you need and what you beleive in with physical violence, you’re not hearing your commentors.” And quite frankly, if you equate self-assertion with physical abuse, I think you could definitely benefit from some counseling sessions on your own, whether or not you get couples counseling in addition to that.

    I think Rob is 100% correct. Communication is not easy, but it is absolutely vital. Couples can work out different ways of doing it, not every couple has to do it exactly the same in the “ooh, lets share our feelings” mode you make fun of here. But there are plenty of ways to build a healthy, strong, communication.

  16. JeN says:

    Funny that, despite the fact that we as humans use so many words every single day, we find it so hard to use them to speak the truth to eah other.

  17. Anonymous says:

    I have been reading your blog for a while, and although I enjoy it, I’m puzzled by it. Your wife seems so disengaged from you. Its not just that she’s not interested in having sex with you, she doesn’t seem to want to have anything with you. And yet there is really nothing in the blog about why this is. Do you know? Is it a complete mystery to you?
    By the way, there are a lot of comments here about you guys needing to communicate. Actually, I think you are communicating. Not everything has to be verbal.
    To be honest, I think you are saying something by putting your penis in a cage and giving the keys to your wife. ie, I think you are saying You have my dick in a cage, please release me.

  18. ReddyMan says:

    I’m not gonna get into the comments thing, but I will get into what your friend said.
    I can a do say whatever I want to my wife and her to me, we wouldn’t have it any other way – but neither of us back down from a confrontation, that can get messy sometimes, but it is the way we are. However, I do temper what I am saying sometimes, or just keep my trap shut, and bring up my feelings later at a better time or in a different (read positive) way. Women are emotionally volitile, and mine is no different.

    I do think that your action through inaction is not going to get you anywhere. Just my $.02.

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