The End of My Involuntary Celibacy

December 6, 2005

12/06/2005

Tuesday

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my struggles within the realities of a marriage and hopefully and eventually the redemption of that relationship. Hopefully, within that process, readers can be entertained and enlightened by my witty hyperbole and/or maybe learn a thing or two even if it is by my bad example.

If neither of these apply to you, perhaps you should move on. Hit 'next.' Take a hike. Get lost. Bugger off. Take the piss. Fuck off!

I had more vitriole in readiness for a 100 days post, but will let this be sufficient. On with the story line that is mine…

Last night, I did nothing special to commemorate the occasion. Since Arwyn was working on some project, I didn't even get a post in, which is probably fortunate. I do have comments about comments but will bring those on later.

I ended up going to bed earlier, and got myself off. This morning, I was determined to put an end to the involuntary celibacy one way or another. As it turns out, it was another. I saw the boys before they got ready to get on the bus and then got ready for work.

First, I tested out the repaired CB3000. I gave it a good hard pull to see if it would come apart. And it did, right along the seam. This is a common problem with these things, and it wasn't my best repair job. Back to the drawing board on that. However, the Curve is my back-up, and I'd done a much better job on that one. So after my shower, I fit the Curve, locked it up with a new Masterlock, and left the keys on the counter. Arwyn gets the first shot at them if she wants. Otherwise, tonight I will deal with them in my own way. Voluntary chastity is not the same as involuntary celibacy, and I'm sure I will split that hair in later posts. Suffice it to say, once locked up I was ready to go. Almost. There was still one bit of unfinished business…

I emerged from the bathroom to find Arwyn back in bed. I knelt down and gave her a kiss. Then another one. Then a hug. Then I told her I loved her. Silence.

"Do you think you can ever love me?" I asked? Silence. But the waterworks were coming. I knew it and steeled myself. For the next 40 minutes we hashed out some stuff. I was all over, and confronted her on several fronts. Most of the answers I got were lame and unsatisfactory.

What do you expect me to do?

Do you think it is normal to go this long without sex?

You said you need trust, just what exactly do you mean by that?

Don't you ever think about US?

Don't you think we owe it to our kids to make more than a token effort?

It is true that sometimes I can be hard to talk to. Unlike most couples where one party is the initiator and the other avoids, Arwyn and I are both avoiders. Neither of us likes confrontation. But I pressed some of the issues.

Sex is not THE issue but it is a major barometer of how things are going in a marriage. The correlation between sexual frequency and marital satisfaction is so high that one is used to cross check the other. IOW, a person saying they are not having sex on a regular basis but says that their marriage is fine is probably either lying or in denial. The inconsistency warrants further explaination. By the same token, couples having frequent sex almost always report higher levels of marital satisfaction. Sex is a source of support, comfort and connection that sustains couples through all of life's changes.

This is something I wish Summer Rose, Peanut, Sie, Dewdrop and FTN's wife (who really needs a name) could get and understand. To these women, sex is a source of stress, anxiety, pressure and conflict. Often it is an issue of control analogous to the food anorexics extreme withdrawal from food. Just the mere expectation of anything sexual can ruin an entire day or an entire experience. That doesn't sound very comforting to me. It is about intimacy and connection that is central and vital to a healthy man's well-being. A sexually happy man is much more likely to give the warm, affectionate and affirming strokes that most women want and need. It is a constant thing, going well on into old age. Sorry to horrify those of you hoping and wishing your mate would lose their sex drive. But how do you expect the security of the marriage relationship to be maintained without the universally intimate act of sexual communion?

Moving on…

I was already late for work when I left. Yes, Arwyn was crying, but not once did I call her a stupid cunt. Sorry, I realize that I am less of a man in some of your eyes for that. Not once did I call her a cold, frigid bitch. Again, sorry to those of you who have no respect for me and my spineless ways. I also negelcted to tell her to take the cob out of her ass so I could fuck her up her shithole. I know, I know. I'm a hopeless, gutless pussy. I also refrained from bitch slapping her and knocking her around, blackening both her eyes and bloodying her nose. I know, I know. No one could respect someone like me who would let a woman walk all over him that way and take her abuse. I should have busted her jaw so that she'd be having the rest of her sorry-assed meals through a straw. I'm a regular pushover. I can't believe anyone would take anything I say seriously. It's amazing I found a woman to marry me at all, with that sort of pathetically weak attitude!

Okay, that is me throwing my dagger into the spectators, who are watching me from canvas-covered parapets, sipping wine and eating grapes. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?

Let me contrast the sentiments expressed in recent comments with a unique view sent to me by a young lady who has lots of male friends who happen to be married:

I have found a man is the most honest when he is your friend. Of course, we hope that a man could be completely open and honest with his wife… but that is not the case in probably 99% of marriages. He fears rejection and long-time punishment for anything he might say that doesn't please her. He learns to lie and cover-up. He learns to stiffle his emotions and feelings. He learns to do what is necessary to keep things afloat and not ruffle feathers. Those men who don't learn this have times when they say things and it seems like all hell breaks loose. Some continue to be honest and others, after a couple of blow-ups, learn to adjust as the aforementioned men already have.

I am interested especially in what other gentlemen who have been following along have to say about this. I thought is was remarkably insightful and articulated exactly what I could not. Gentlemen, what say you?

Women can comment, too. You would, anyway, even if I told you not to!

D.