Warfare

Ckecking the Involuntary Celibacy (INCEL) counter

99 Days

 

To be sung to the tune of 99 Bottles of Beer:

99 days without sex in the house,

99 days without sex.

Being Incel is such a thrill,

99 days without sex in the house.

Only in this case, we count up instead of down

There are a number of ways to wage a war. One way is to engage in a series of set piece, decisive battles utilizing overwhelming force to conquer, destroy and subdue the enemy. Then there is the war of attrition used by forces that are much smaller in order to wear down an enemy over time.

In the War for Intimacy most readers are clamoring for a decisive engagement using whatever means necessary in order to change the circumstances. Force a confrontation, and have it out. Get bloody and gory, put everyone out of their misery. Shoot them all and let God sort them out.

In such a war as this, generally men are outnumbered and outgunned emotionally. Physically, we could beat the living shit out of our wives whenever we felt like it. But most of use were taught better than that by our mothers. But we were not taught the finer points of emotional warfare. And many of you female readers intuitively know this, while most male readers will recognize it. Any man attached to a choleric wife who attempts direct confrontation is going to get an emotional beatdown.

You there! Yes, you. The young woman who likes to verbally talk out problems and confront her husband. What happens when you open your mouth? I'll tell you what happens. He tunes out, at some point. He shuts down. When you ask "WHY???" you will probably get something like, "I don't know." He fidgets, eyes down. He will flee to any distraction he can possibly find, maybe the TV. Why? Because his body is telling him that he is under attack. He is physiologically flooded. His heart is racing, his breathing shallow as adrenaline pushes his system. He has no available defense to this threat. God forbid the wife begins displaying even more emotion, such as crying.

Some guys do grow some balls or get a spine, as you put it. They might go ahead and do what comes naturally and just physically beats the crap out of the woman. The other way is to increase the volume or engage in preemptive strikes severe enough that the woman is always on the defensive.

This appears to me to be the dynamic of Confused Husband and Summer Rose. She sounds like she is always on the defensive against what sounds like overwhelming criticism and attacks from him. But look what happens when she levels even modest criticism at him? He seems to virtually whither and curl up with regret and contrition. Here is a guy with some backbone, but it is used preemptively with disasterous effect.

For instructiveness on how women have superior backbones and spines of their own, one only needs to look at how they confront each other or confront their own mothers. Talk about passive agressive war mongering!

At the heart of this method of waging war is the desire of at least one party to preserve the relationship. I'm not saying it is the best and it certainly it is not the most effecient. But men are less apt to have the emotional armament to withstand a direct confrontation with their wives in the same way most wives would lose a physical confrontation. Why do you think there are so many of us in this sort of struggle?

Confused's struggle is a classic one, because he is an avid hunter. I dare you to tell him he is spineless while he is toting his 12 guage! I've killed rabbits (that I raised) with my bare hands. And ate them. Is it about strength and courage? It's about being less equipped to handle the emotional attachment involved in marriage just like women struggle more with physical or mechanical demands. Is Summer Rose spineless because she doesn't know anything about how much oil to put in a car? Is she less of a woman? No. But men are degraded and chided for not being able to do something that comes more naturally to women. That is, relate on a deeper emotional level.

It's interesting to note when I get a comment wondering why in the hell I'm not confronting Arwyn, it's no coincidence that comment comes from a woman 95% of the time. I rarely get those sorts of comments from men because every guy in my situation knows that it is not that clear cut. Fact is, a real man is going have difficulty trying to be something that he is not. Our emotional waters don't cover as much of an expanse as most women, but they tend to run to extreme depths. The only thing that saves us from serious psychopathologies is notoriously short memories for such things. We don't remember past abuse as much as our female counterparts. We have the resilience to move on because we can forget many details. My wife, OTOH, remembers and hangs on to past offenses from years gone by like a dog on to a bone. While all have a Biblical mandate to forgive, I notice women having to struggle more with this. Even if Confused turns it over and around today and flies right from this time forward, Summer will not forget. She shows a penchant for hanging on to her suffering for incredible amounts of time. This is not something that can be changed with one decisive engagement. The real battle is just beginning. Everytime I think we've reached a turning point, we go backwards again, subject to Arwyn's emotional status.

So the battle plan must be able to accomodate the reality of the situation. You armchair generals aren't here on the ground. I've had to slog it out for years, to be sure. I do think increasing the aggressiveness may shake something loose. What, I can not say. But, for the first time, I am facing the possibility that I may not be able to win this one. Counselling is NOT off the table. That's all I'll say about that for now.

D.

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16 Responses to Warfare

  1. Square1 says:

    Yes I tell you to grow a spine Digger, and yes I am a woman… but I also have a man who does stand his ground to the point of insanity sometimes. He knows what fights to pick with me, and which ones not to, but the point is he stands up to me, and whether I like it or not, he does it because he has self respect and he thinks highly enough of me to feel that he owes me that sort of honesty. Also love demands respect, respect for yourself, respect for your spouse… and that respect for them means telling them that you demand that respect to be reciprocated.

    As far as emotional warfare… yeah maybe women are more apt at it… but the only way you learn and get better is by practicing… sometimes taking the beat down, and learning some valuable lessons from it in order to more effectively engage the next time. The best martial artists in the world do not become the best by avoiding confrontation… I’m sure they get their ass kicked numerous times before they start becoming in the least bit proficient… they exercise, and they train. They win a couple of fights. They get their ass kicked and they pick it up off of the floor and dust it off.

    Verbal and emotional warfare are no different, just a slightly different arena and different tactics.

  2. 1Cubed says:

    I have to I agree with both of you. (Digger and Square1) I don’t know the whole score, and have highly resented the whiny bitches and cunts (men included in that insult) that run off their bitch ass mouths on our blog, especially since they can only get a small part of the circumstances, and only 1 persons view, and yet they think they know enough to form an opinion and run their fucking mouths. (No offense square) But Dig, I do agree that something needs to be done, as to what I honestly am not sure. There is, however, a time for bitching, and a time to do something. If I wasn’t getting any ass, I’d have to do something… I don’t know the story so I can’t say much.

    But…

    My advice is to ask your wife if it’s ok to have your balls back long enough to tell her to get off her uptight prim ass and fuck you.
    (Oh and BTW ask her to take the stick out of her ass long enough for you to stick your cock in it, she can put it back after your done.)

    If that don’t work you need some couseling(shudder). I don’t relish the idea either, but it depends on the circumstances. You need one who does not advocate divorce, and is family oriented. You may want to consider someone who has a good marriage themselves, and one whose wife(or husband as the case may be) would sit in on the sessions and could give you a male and female point of view. Do yourself a favor, consider a christian counselor, and one is isn’t pw’d.

    I can empathize about your situation, dig and I think you have alot of insight to the intricacies of male/female interaction. Most of it seems to be the negative and struggles we have, but I do agree with most of your points, but I have to agree with at least some of the womens points, that you need change…

    If all else fails, find out what the stick is that’s up her ass, and figure a way to remove it. Is she dealing with past issues? Wasshe abused, hurt buy men in some way? What is problem with sex? Sounds liek (perhaps) she was brought to think it wrong, perverted or maybe “dirty”?

    Maybe you could plan to be home one night and as she comes in you’re sitting there stroking your cock fully nude asking her if she wants some?

    If that fails play a fucking porno on your computer and leave it running all night, maybe she’s get mortified and leave you. (Joking :P)

    Have you tried the romance angle?
    I’m here for you dude, just fill me in and maybe I can get you laid.
    Cubed
    aka
    Romance Master :o)

  3. ~Sie says:

    Armchair generals…

    Some of us have already been in that war… we were living on the other side across from you.

    I can completely see my own reactions when you talk about the way Arwyn avoids intimacy. Been there, done that.

    Without getting her to open up and at least talk honestly, I’m not sure anything you do will help.

    Lord knows you’ve tried.

  4. Yes it’s time. The 12 gauge wielding hunter is home. Sorry WAY to much caffine today.
    You make some interesting points. So do square and cubed (By the way I love cubed’s attitude he’s now my favorite person.). You are right. NONE of us no exaxctly what is going on. We only know what you tell us. Just curious though is Arwyn one of those women that thinks the only thing sex is for is reproduction, and after you are done reproducing sex is done too? Just a thought.
    As to Summer and I what you said about a man shutting down and watching the floor or the TV or rolling his eye’s explains Summer to a T. I am the one in the relationship who wants to discuss feelings. She is the one to say “Nothing”, or “I don’t know”, or “Everything is fine”. That is what causes the problems with us. When she looks at the floor or any of the other diversionary tactics she uses that is when I go on the attack. which is a huge part of why she won’t communicate with me. She is afraid to open up to me because of the yelling. So it is a never ending cycle. The more she avoids the “touchy feely” conversations the more I yell which makes her avoid conversation even more.
    In some ways I’m the one in the relationship that acts like the woman and she’s the one to act like the man. Communication wise that is.

    As to your situation I’m sorry but I can’t help out. I’ve never been in that type of situation before so I have no advice. all I can say is that you are a stronger man than I am to go without intimacy for that long.
    CH

  5. claire says:

    Communication is hard. It’s not always natural. My husband (like a confused husband, I think) is the communicator and it is still like pulling teeth to get me to talk sometimes. It’s hard and I still don’t like it all the time.

    It’s also the lifeblood of a relationship and defintetly worth the work. But you all know that already.

  6. Desireous says:

    Have you seen this woman’s count of her own involuntary celibacy? If not check her out:

    http://cgrup.blogspot.com/

    You’ll be shocked! I know I was! Though her circumstances may be a little different. Still its just unimaginable to me.

    Hugs
    Des

  7. Tajalude says:

    I’m one of those young women who likes to confront and verbalize. And yes, the reaction you posted was what USED to happen. I’d get a lot of “I don’t knows” and avoidance and “You’re right” and completely ignoring the issue. I’ve found that I’ll confront him with an issue, and a lot of times, get no response. Which used to infuriate me… but not anymore. Now, he’ll think about the issue for a day or two and bring it up again at a later time. Just in the past month he’s made several “confessions” and we’ve had some wonderful conversations.

    When I go to my husband with a problem, one that has nothing to do with him, he instantly wants to fix it. He wants details, he wants names, and he wants me to take notes, because he is going to tell me the solution. Usually, this is not what I’m looking for. What I’m usually looking for is someone to listen to my problem. When I would go to him with a problem about him/us, suddenly, he was out of suggestions.

    Only recently has he realized that I’m not trying to hurt him or make him feel bad… I’m trying to improve our communication and problem solving skills. He seems to think that things are always fine wherever we are, and I think things are always able to be improved upon. He sees that as me never being happy… I see it as me not settling.

    He’s always seen arguing as a bad thing, and always avoids it. While excessive disagreements are unfavorable, I see nothing wrong with arguing and in fact find it to be a good thing. I hate when he acts like a “yes ma’am no ma’am” kind of man. He’s stripping himself of his masculinity, what I found attractive about him in the first place. He’s finally understanding that arguing can be productive, and I’m finally learning that if I want to have an argument, I have to remain mature and in the present, and not bring up something that happened July 3rd 2001.

    I can’t speak for Arwyn, but I can say this: A man who would let me treat them the way she treats you would have absolutely no respect in my eyes. To some degree, I can honestly say that I need my husband to have a bit of that “caveman” in him. I want him to be jealous of my attention. I want him to protect me. And I want to take care of him. The way that you’re “battling” doesn’t make any sense to me, but then again, I’m not on the front lines. It just seems to me that at the rate you’re progressing, you’re going to lose years being someone’s doormat, someone’s … well, barely even roommate. A soul deserves more than that, and if she’s not willing to comply, you can only go halfway.

  8. C-Marie says:

    Unfortunately, I see myself becoming the recluse when it comes to wanting or needing confrontation. (Confrontation not always meaning something bad)
    I got nothing when I brought things to the table, I still get nothing and therefore I grow to remain silent. If he seriously believes that all is wonderful in our land of life, then whatever. I’ve grown tired. Thus the reasons for blogging.
    In the past as I brought forth any discussions, especially the ones about us/he/me and we…I got all those “I don’t know” and blank expressions. Avoidance being the key word here. That’s when I would fly off the handle.. I felt as if I was the only one seeing the relationship important enough to want to be verbal. I felt as if I was the only one he was feeling anything.
    Now… I accept things far greater for as they are and shut my trap. It, to me, is nothing more than wasted energy with no resolution.

  9. In the communication department, NSN and I are the opposite of what you stated, at least we used to be. He was the one that wanted to talk and I didn’t know how or didn’t want to. He was the emotional one, not me. Now I will say that I was the one to ignore his physical side. So, here I am trying to fix those things and he is where I was. We are talking more now, but it’s not the same.

    I am currently reading a book about depression, and it sounds like Arwyn may have some signs of it. However, I don’t know the whole story, so I can’t make a judgement like that. Just a suggestion. And if that’s the case, it will be hard for you to tackle that situation on your own. It would be hard for anyone.

    I hope that things work out for you and your family. It’s hard and it sucks most of the time. I have now been on both sides of the coin (and still going through it). It’s hard to know what to do or say or anything when you know that the other person isn’t “in it” anymore. It’s almost like being trapped. You both are in some form.
    I wish you the best, I truly do.

  10. Coop says:

    Personally I think that many armchair generals as you put it get frustrated by the inability to “fix” your problem. We all listen (read) and can empathize, sympathize or relate in some measure. We get outraged at the way you are treated, but other than the pats on the back and go get em’s offered in comments – there seems to be a point where we sit back and say …. ok, good point now what are YOU willing to do about it. I agree with the commenter from a couple days ago (granted, it was my wife, but she made a good point) – when are you going to cut bait? If it is intolerable, then you hold the responsibility to do something about it. Otherwise, you turn into what most men hate – the whiney person that is willing to whine about their circumstances, but not willing to do what it takes to change that set of circumstances. If a woman was writing what you have been writing lately, I would tell her to either put up or shut up. At some point you have to take personal responsibility for the decisions you make for your life. Either deal or not. That doesn’t mean that you can forever bitch about what you don’t do what is needed to change it. You are considering an affair – whether it be emotional or physical – it is moving the intimacy that belongs in your marriage to another place. Isn’t this exactly what you are upset about? The fact that Arwyn is withholding intimacy from you? If you are going to retailate by doing the same, at least give her the benefit of knowing that you are voluntarily becoming intimate with someone else. Maybe Arwyn will then show some balls and either leave you or do what it takes to change the situation.

  11. ArtfulDodger says:

    jeepers Digger, sounds like you opened a can of worms today doesn’t it? in the end you should only listen to yourself and not a single one of us, although you certainly have enough opinions to sort through. i’ve almost at this point caught up on your past posts, still a couple of months to go, and you have my complete and utter sympathy. although the details are not the same, in general we both share some fundamental similarities. i may have said that before? If so, forgive me. the point being that every single situation is different and no one answers fits every situation. i know that sucks nd if I had the answer i would share it with you, i feel your pain and your hope of fixing this. thats’ what it comes down to as a man, we want to fix things, it is in our DNA. Problem? Solution, move on. Doesn’t always work that way, especially when complicated issues are invlved, like people! I choose to stay in my marriage because of my children and the remaining love for my wife. but I couldn’t do so without any intimacy at all, or I would go crazy and be no use to anyone.
    As advice goes, and this one is easy, you need to flatly state the obvious to your wife. You don’t have to be angry or emotional at all, just (when you have her attention) state in simple, no uncertain terms that this is what you want from a marriage, preferrably from her. A marriage built on intimacy and sharing, both emotional and physical. One without the other cannot survive. Make it simple and blunt. And as forceful as possible, clearly define what you expect from a marriage. You may have to do it several times in slightly different ways, but (MOST IMPORTANT) make sure she knows you ARE NOT GETTING this now. You might be surprised to find out she didn’t know that, or hadn’t thought that way about it, but at the very least you have defined any future action on your or her part. You will have established base camp.

  12. Satan says:

    “I can’t speak for Arwyn, but I can say this: A man who would let me treat them the way she treats you would have absolutely no respect in my eyes.”

    I completely agree. No man would win a war with me by aspiring to be a better ‘woman’.

  13. DHP says:

    Communication, I believe, is the hardest thing in any relationship. I used to be the head down, “I don’t know” type. I finally had a coming of age and I think I am actually more into discussing things than DW is. She seems to go into head down, stare at the computer mode when I bring up things she doesn’t want to talk about. It drives me nuts! The worst thing to me is to express my thoughts and feelings and not get a response at all. I have even told her that if she doesn’t want to respond to me, to at least tell me she doesn’t want to talk about it then or ever.

    I would recommend finding some alone time and talking to her about it. It is not comfortable, I know, but for the sake of your marriage, you should just bite the bullet and do it. Try to go into it with an open mind. Maybe even ask her to write to you expressing what she feels. It is a lot easier to write potentially hurtful things then it is to say to a persons face. Just a thought.

    Speaking of which; did Arwyn ever respond to the note you left for her on day 93?

  14. Dewdrop says:

    My husband has a win or lose attitude – like you. Someone is either the winner or the loser – it doesn’t seem there’re any in betweens/alternatives……. I never think of it as a win or lose situation, ever.

  15. So Gone says:

    I agree with the other female commenters in that if I had a man who let me treat him like Arwyn treats you – I’d have absolutely no respect for him and I’d have absolutely no reason to change what I was doing. After all, it’s successful for me, I’m getting exactly what I want, with no fights about it.

  16. Desireous says:

    Well some of those comments were rather harsh. I think there is much truth to them but sheesh there is a nicer way to say it. Really I think you have to decide what YOU are willing to put up with and apparently you ARE willing to put up with this. Therefore you are just as guity as she is. I also agree that she has no reason to change. But hell who amoung us hasn’t allowed someone in one way or another to have their way thus sacrificing something we wanted. It’s a human experience. It’s easy to sit here and give advice, living it is a totlly other thing all together. I hope you find the answers that would bring you happiness and peace!

    Hugs
    Des

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