In the War for Intimacy, not every action is a full-scale battle. Sometimes there are little insurgent actions. Sometimes these spark bigger things and sometimes they don’t.
This morning, it did.
As Arwyn was taking her shower, I considered my choices:
a.)Try to join her.
b.)Go in an shave while ogling her naked body. I’d rather see her naked than some honey on the internet or in a magazine.
c.) Get myself off. That’s the route of least resistance.
d.)Try something else. Something taking more effort and thought.
I chose ‘d.’ Since it was a cold morning, I decided on making grits for breakfast. I don’t like them all that much, but Arwyn does. So, I made them while she finished her shower and got the boys ready for the bus. She came in and thanked me with a kiss.
I took my shower while she put the boys on the bus. I dressed and Arwyn came in. She sat on the bed and we made some small talk. And then I don’t know what came over me, but I pounced.
We kissed and generally sort of made out, far exceeding my normal 2 minute wish. This is good. She was on her back and I was crouching on all fours over her, kissing and hugging. She complained that it was starting to hurt her back. At some point in this early hugging/kissing fest I whispered in her ear, “I love you.”
No response. So I initiated more hugging and kissing. Then I gave her a small backrub. She asked if I wanted to go to the kitchen to eat breakfast together, since we don’t do that very often. I told her we do this a whole lot less often.
This little make-out session turned into a bit of a comedic struggle with me trying to touch her more intimately and her pushing my hands away. God forbid I touch her breasts or get a hand between her legs.
Maybe you should have enjoyed what you were getting instead of being such a greedy bastard! That’s the trouble with you HL shits, is that it is never enough for you people!
On one hand, this is true. On the other, I have been starving for a very long time. How much control is expected from a starving person? It seems like running a soup kitchen for the homeless with a sign in front requiring a jacket and a tie. Okay, I got fired up and inflamed with passion. Yes, she got real uncomfortable in a real hurry with my more intimate touches. She did tolerate some touching and squeezing around her breasts but this was not a prolonged thing. It was not going to be, because I had to go to work.
There was a moment when she looked like she was thinking about taking off her pants. Don’t ask me how I know, as it has been so long, but I just had that feeling. I got up off the bed, and said I had to get going. Then went towards the kitchen locked into a spooning embrace. I kissed her neck, and said in her ear again, “I love you.”
Love’s greatest desire is finding a love that will answer.
For the second time in fifteen minutes, there was no answer. I don’t say it with the idea of getting one, but I do notice when there is no answer. In fact, I have not gotten an answer for a very long time. That bothers me.
I am thankful and okay with the intimacy that we did have and shared for those 30 minutes. They were precious to me. It was okay that there was not any real sex involved. In fact, maybe I preferred it that way. It occurs to me that Arwyn might have been using sex in the past to avoid other sorts of intimacies, such as fondling, touching, stroking and deep kissing. In the early days, a good shagging kept me pretty happy and off her back about other sexual practices. And about other intimacies.
Today is my 96th sexless day. I have made some choices that have contributed to this condition. But it is still an involuntary condition. I have done and tried a myriad of interventions to try to turn this situation around. From what I can see, Arwyn has done little or nothing except impede, avoid and dodge my attempts at making this marriage better.
So then I find a new penpal friend and a few of you get a little bent out of shape. Have I truly emotionally checked out of my marriage? Does it look to you like I have stopped trying and have given up?? I’m wondering how many people claiming that I have checked out would have survived 10 years of this. I also wonder how many inflicted this sort of treatment on a partner that eventually did emotionally check out.
The Not So Normal–Pretty Peanut story comes to mind as a case in point. Normal did check out, after Peanut seemingly abandoned him. I did upbraid Normal for the way he went about pulling out, but neither of these people are victims. Normal has not put in the time or effort to fix things, either. I have. How much is enough? I do not know. But I am sticking with it.
Cleopatra represents another person in my support network. Exciting, new, attractive and all of that, in addition to being very smart.
Have you told Arwyn about her?
What are you, nuts?! No, I have not told Arwyn about Cleo. Sure, it would probably bother her. However I’m also convinced that she really would rather not know. This is related to a question Cleo asked me in email which I’m still trying to find a real answer.
“Do you think she is simply hoping that you WILL cheat so that she can get out of the marriage without having to deal with the guilt?”
It is a possibility. I could be. I have posted the question to Arwyn but haven’t gotten an answer beyond what transpired this morning. I’m not sure how to interpret an answer like that. It is the sort of thing I’ll bring up in a more face-to-face manner if/when the opportunity comes around. This is not the sort of thing I would bring up over dinner with the kids, at church or if I have even the faintest hope for having sex that night. An honest answer to that question precedes any other types of disclosure, in my opinion.
Things are moving. Things are happening. But I am not sure of where they are going or what they mean.