Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I’ve been keeping a little secret from all of you readers. All readers, except for one. And she knows who she is.

I don’t know if it has been a month ago or not, but some time ago I got an email from a regular reader who was not a regular commenter. I’m not sure how she found me (I’ll have to ask) but she was intrigued by me and my writing. I became intrigued by her and her writing.

I’m lousy at keeping up with people through email. I let things lapse for days, weeks and months sometimes, especially social contacts. For work you can’t afford to let those go, but you’re not writing anything very long, hopefully. It’s a lot more simple communicating facts and directives than thoughts and feelings. That’s probably why we see fewer male bloggers than female ones, and male bloggers generally turn over faster and update much less. I write for the blog simply because I have the heart of an entertainer, although not the face of one. I enjoy my audience and hope they enjoy me. It’s the audience that helps motivate me to write, although I would write anyway, but just not as faithfully. Writing for an audience of one is just less appealing for me.

At least until she showed up. I’m going to call her Cleopatra, since it does reflect a certain regal bearing that she has in her writing and even in her voice. I might shorten it to Cleo eventually because I like short names.

Her voice?

I’m getting to that, relax.

We swap emails on a near-daily basis. We discuss almost everything and anything.

Everything? Anything?

Well, yeah, just about. Remember, she is a regular reader of this blog so she is privy to the same deep, dark secrets as everyone else who reads. But she never comments. At least out where you all can see. But I get feedback from her on these topics and then we have our own line of conversations. Sometimes those thoughts end up on here, and sometimes they don’t.

Waitaminit, was she the one…?

Yes, she’s the one who asked the infamous question about oral sex that took Blogland by storm a while back. So, in a way, she has posted before. She freaked a bit when I quoted her, but when she saw the avalanche of responses it triggered, she liked her secret celebrity status. Cleopatra likes to be adored although she is almost as camera shy as I am. She knows that I’m rolling her out before you all, for an initial public viewing, such that it is.

So this is a bit of a milestone. I’ve been blogging over a year (sorry to Cleopatra and the other readers who never saw my old blog) and this is the first time anyone has ever been able to sustain that sort of interest. A few have tried to get ahold of me by email and engage me but none ever hit it right. She did.

But there is another milestone reached with Cleopatra. I’ve been on the internet over 10 years, active in Usenet, message boards, bulletin boards, Fidonet, web pages, chatrooms and all mediums of discussion and debate one can do via electronic text. But I have never talked to anyone I met in one of these forums over the phone. I got married too early to hit the online dating boom.

You talked to her on the phone? Did you have phone sex?

Easy. I’m getting there. It was during my overnight trip out of town last week that I did call her up. Yes, I was naked while we talked. Yes, she was naked while we talked. But no, we did not have phone sex. Neither of us knew the other was naked until long after the phone call! In fact the phone call had more religious/theological/Christian overtones than anything else. We talked for 2 hours until my phone card expired. And now we’re just doing the email thing for now. No, I do not have a cell phone. Glad I don’t, now. I would be incurring serious overcharges!

Are you attracted to this woman or what? Are you thinking about cheating? What ARE you thinking?

There is no way, under the conditions that I presently live in, that I could NOT think about life with someone else, in other circumstances in another place at another time. Cheating is a different thing. Cleopatra has been very generous with her overtures without being tacky, forward or even annoying. But she has been respectful beyond anything else. She does have a life of her own beyond what we have through email. I am very fond of her as she has been nothing but supportive and patient. You all have been supportive and patient too, but I like having a slightly more personal and private place to go with things. Cleopatra provides just that sort of place. While I don’t see her posting here, she might still be a good source of entertainment for you all. And me. She has agreed that she might like to be a virtual keyholder. “Virtual” being she doesn’t necessarily have personal possession of the keys but has control of them, nonetheless.


Don’t get *too* excited. We’ve been down this road before…Haven’t we JeN??LOL!

I’m thinking I’ll wait for the 100 days to pass before embarking on new chastity adventures. Since I’ve gone this long, it would be a pity to simply give up when I’m so close to reaching another milestone in my life of semi-celibacy. While the prospect of getting to 100 days has been enticing, I have not stopped trying to put an end to the streak.

Last night, I actually went to bed earlier. Not at 8:15 when Arwyn turned in, but 10:30 is quite early for me. She was still awake or maybe woke up when I brushed my teeth but she just stirred. I extended my hand and put it on her hip. It might have drifted down to her butt for a time and she tolerated this for a time. Somehow, later in the night I ended up embracing her feet.

A note about sleeping positions (again). With her head at the opposite end of the bed and facing away from me, I can have decent access to the lower part of her body. With her on her side, facing away and curled up, if I turn toward her, the soles of her feet are right there. Since she wasn’t wearing socks, and her feet weren’t covered up, it was just a matter of hugging them right up to my bare chest to keep them warm. In the grogginess of sleep, it seemed the most natural thing in the world. She tolerated this very well most of the night, and it represents about the most intimate thing we’ve done in 3 months. Longer than that, sleeping wise. I would love to fall asleep draped over her, or intertwined or her spooning me or even her laying on top of me for a time. I long to touch and be touched. For us to cleave to one another.

She awoke at about 4:30 and she went out to get on the computer. But she was unable to do anything because it was automatically doing a virus scan and update. I got up soon after and we talked for the next hour. About the kids. It’s always about them. She finally went to take her shower. I started some breakfast, and then got in the bathroom just after she finished. I started to hug up on her a bit, and she simply continued to get dressed. I managed to steal a quick kiss. Once again, my touches and hugs were tolerated. Not anticipated and not enjoyed. Certainly not reciprocated or returned. I gave her a big from-behind hug and she stood still there, waiting for me to be finished. And then went on about her day getting the boys ready for school.

So it is against this backdrop that Cleopatra appears. I can discuss things with her beyond the kids, beyond autism and disabilities and the daily grind and she’s not afraid to converse about sex. She likes sex. She has some experience with chastity and Domming. And she doesn’t seem to be repelled by me. She doesn’t merely “tolerate” me like one tolerates oppressive heat, or mosqitoes or cold, rainy weather. Of course her involvement with my daily life is limited to emails, so who knows what real life would actually be like. We just have a number of things in common.

For fans of Return to Happiness, Chris has a character called Paris LaQuinta. I see Cleopatra serving a similar literary niche here. And then some. The telephone call put Cleo in an elevated category that I thought warranted at least some mention here. The keyholder bit gives her an even larger role. In the grind of the struggle that I’m engaged in, it is good to have something to look forward to. I’m sure more coverage will follow. Feel free to discuss.


16 Responses to Cleopatra

  1. Mia says:

    I am VERY happy for you! I can’t wait to see what develops between you too.

  2. Dewdrop says:

    Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason….sounds like you needed Cleo and she’s helping you feel a little better, hopefully. I’m interested, like Mia, to see what develops between you two!

  3. Satan says:

    I am so jealous! (As one who emailed you and didn’t get half the response!)

    Can’t wait for this to go on . . .

  4. C-Marie says:

    Time will only tell what is in the making for Dearest D~ I hope it doesn’t become something that only adds to your issues.
    Good Luck….

  5. Anonymous says:

    digger, that’s hot. glad you found a good person to converse with.
    Once you finally have intamacy, even if it iS only emotional, you will begin to see EVEN more of what you are lacking with your wife. I almost cry everytime i read your blog. I applaud your persistance, but you are HUMAN! You need love too!

  6. Aroused Girl says:

    I’m sorry that you have felt so lonely. I’ve felt the same desperation, and the same feeling that if I ever got even a bit of what I needed, I’d cry and cry and cry.

    Be careful Digger, be careful. The anonymous commenter before me was right–once you start to feel even a bit of intimacy, it’s only going to highlight what is missing with your wife.

    That can be a wonderful thing but it can also hurt. A lot.

  7. Square1 says:

    Tread lightly and carry a big stick….errrmmm… maybe that’s not quite the right expression. Just be careful, I understand you are a starving man who sees the hope of a feast… but any intimacy gained anywhere else will only continue to turn your heart away from your wife. You need to ask yourself the questions, “Am I fighting for this marriage still or am I willing to let it go?” And as Not So Normal pointed out in his most recent post he realized that to work on the marriage he needed to be THERE… to be planning on making it work, otherwise there’s nothing but distance. I know Arwyn is already distant and cold, but once you start becoming so because you’ve found closeness and warmth somewhere else… you might as well draw up the divorce decree now.

  8. Summer Rose says:

    I’m with both that had the two comments before mine, I’ve been there only on a frendship level and I know you have read ch’s spill on the whole issue. And yes I have read almost every post I can’t believe there are wemen out there that are very cold and distant. Try reading mine again I’ve added new content.

  9. Cinnamon says:

    Dude, sounds like you have one foot out the door to me. I take it Arwyn doesn’t know about Cleo?

    Well, if that letter you just wrote her doesn’t make her sit up and take notice, I’d mention Cleo, too. Might light a fire under her ass, one way or the other.

    But, be ready for “the other”.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Personally I think you’re treading on dangerous ground. Emotionally you’ve checked out of your marriage – how long until you physically go too?

  11. Emotional affairs can be more scarring, and do more damage to a marriage, than physical ones.

    Digger, if you’re ready to check out of your marriage emotionally, then do it. Up front, honestly. You can’t build a new, exciting, relationship with someone and try to mend the existing one simoultaneously. And trying to have both – the relationship on the side and the marriage for the sake of your personal honor and your kids – will do neither any good.

    Have you ever just told Arwen, “I can’t live like this anymore. I need love, and intimacy, and if I can’t get them from you I eventually will have to find them elsewhere?” It sounds like you’ve done a lot of hinting, and a lot of passive-agressive arguing. But until you’ve communicated clearly what your needs are and what you will choose to do if they are not met, you haven’t really done it all.

  12. JeN says:

    Ooooh lucky Cleo!
    I was all ready to be “virtual keyholder” but that was around when you shut down your other blog and I lost ya

    Hoping all goes well on the Cleo front. I’m glad that you’re able to discuss all kinds of things with her. Hoorah!

  13. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been exactly where you are right now. You’re starving for something and you see nothing wrong with taking a little nibble. Beware, my friend, you’re about to jump on a roller coaster ride that you can’t believe until it’s over. You think you’ve known heartache up to now, you haven’t seen anything yet. I hurt for you. I honestly do. But, like I said, you haven’t seen anyting yet.

  14. Lizzie says:

    Oh Digger, I agree 100% with Broccolieater. It’s time to tell Arwyn straight away where you are at. She needs to know that unless she makes some BIG changes immediately her marriage may well be over.

    I’ve never talked about this, but I was where you are a few years ago. For a few brief fleeting moments I was very tempted by someone who turned my head. My husband and I made a pact when we got married that if either of us was ever “tempted” that we would tell each other at that point … not after the fact. And so we talked about it and worked things out. I never did act on my impulses and my marriage is happier for it.

  15. virgin says:

    I’ve got to agree with BroccoliEater too. And I’ve been there — sort of. I was terminally single and he was with someone. We spent our days e-mailing each other back and forth for almost two years. The more intimate it became the harder I fell.

    And now he’s gone. He and his wife moved out of the country a few days ago. As much as this hurts me, I think it really doesn’t bode well for the future of his marriage.

  16. Coming from experience, I agree with Broccolieater and Lizzie. The emotional affair is almost worse than a physical (I know both). If you are ready to check out, then leave. I understand that you have kids, but if you are checked out emotionally then tell her and leave. I didn’t quite get it until he left. And Arwyn may react differently. She may tell you to stay gone, but at least it’s out there and you both can deal with it. I can understand your situation, believe me.

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