NSN/PP

11/26/2005

Saturday

I’ve spent a little time catching up on the Pretty Peanut/Not So Normal story and am so thankful NSN is posting more of his side of the story. It is greatly needed and appreciated. His voice sounds remarkably like mine in a lot of respects. I wish he would have left his archive intact, because I caught up with him only right before Peanut did. His latest offerings give a perspective that had me originally tuning in to him on a more frequent basis.

FWIW, I discovered NSN and PP independently, meaning that at some point I discovered Peanut’s blog after I had been reading Normal’s blog for awhile. I knew his wife had one but since I hadn’t spent time reading his comments, I never caught the one left by his wife. I actually followed her home from a comment she left somewhere else. I love getting in early on new blogs and hers looked promising, describing a marriage that was a train wreck. Then as I read both of them, I finally connected the dots. Double the pleasure for me.

I like both of them as writers. They are both honest and raw in their feelings, but neither are what I would call abusive towards one another. They are just honest, which readers of my blog should appreciate.

The main reason my readers should follow this saga is because it provides a lovely counterpart to mine, only you get both sides. Normal is a guy with a HL and a few kinks. Peanut is the LL of the pair and has admitted that she doesn’t even have sexual fantasies. That’s one of several red flags I see.

I identify ever so strongly with NSN in this. By his account, he felt neglected and shoved aside, almost to the point of abuse. His needs were trivialized and minimized. Reading Peanut, I do see this as a persistent thing. She still is either not getting it, or else she simply is not able to bridge over to where her needs and his can exist together peacefully. I can see and understand how he felt the need to go elsewhere for love and affection after feeling reviled and hated in his own house. He is still called immature, needy and unrealistic. That isn’t going to bring him back anytime soon.

At the same time, Peanut has been trying to make some effort. Or had, until NSN left. That move shook her to the point where she wasn’t sure if, when or how to proceed. Now that he’s back, her insecurities are pretty massive, which is understandable. As if the affair didn’t make her insecure enough.

It still comes down to the sexual bit, though. Peanut feels assaulted by sexual pressures all the time while Normal is enduring a virtual sexual desert. Is there any hope of these two bridging this divide? I’m not sure I have much to offer either of them, while I support them both.

Normal needs to make a more determined stand for his marriage, I think. Even if it will be his last stand, make it his best. I understand and know the feelings of hopelessness. A feeling of anger that only now, after all this pain, does your wife start to come around. Be compassionate but be firm.

As for Peanut, the victim role isn’t going to work on Normal. It might win fellow bloggers but it isn’t going to win Normal’s devotion. He hurt her very suddenly and very deeply. She hurt him peristently over a very long time. Both are hurtful and painful but only one qualifies as torture. The counseling is a positive step. If Normal gets an opportunity to go, I think he should take it as part of making a genuine effort. I also understand his cynacism.

If Arwyn turned around today, I would be wary and suspicious. I would spend a long time waiting for the other shoe to drop. It would be hard to enjoy whatever good times because the pain would still be there and the fear that I would have to endure it again would loom large, casting a long shadow over everything. I’m not sure if I could give in to the happiness and pleasure of the moment. Ever. If someone else came along and sparked feelings that brought me hope and pleasure, could I go back to the cold, unfeeling, uncaring bitch who made me feel so inadequate and miserable in the first place? And then heaped all sorts of guilt upon me for seeking solace in another’s arms? Seperation would be a very attractive option if only to escape the misery of judgement.

Having said all that, I don’t feel Normal has exhausted his options. He’s moved back in, which is good. He is being friendly and cordial which is good. It’s certainly better than what he was getting before the affair. But he’s got to make his time count. Make it matter. Posting again is part of that process.

I have given Arwyn more than enough warning. I’ve gone to great lengths. I still have some lengths to go, yet. But I am making the strongest stand that I can. If I got the resolve to leave, I’m not sure I could find it in my heart to ever come back. I’ve wandered the wilderness about long enough, I’m not going back to the slavery from which I came.

D.

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7 Responses to NSN/PP

  1. Denise Regan says:

    By saying you’ve given Arwyn enough warning, are you saying you’re going to go have an affair?

    If so, I hope you’ll at least tell her beforehand.

    I don’t blame you, either. Ten years is a long time to be rejected, and thus feel unloved, undesirable and not special.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I have always thought that having an affair that you keep from your spouse is the coward’s way out. If you are going to cheat – even for a good reason – then do it with honor and at least leave your spouse or give them the opportunity to leave. Sneaking around only debases you and doesn’t give much credibility even if you were doing it for ‘good’ reasons such as lack of marital intimacy. Meremly my opinion.

  3. Been there says:

    I don’t remember much of my biblical studies, but I’m pretty sure that cheating on your spouse was frowned upon. I only say that because you seem to make much about your faith.

    You need counselling-both of you. Pastor or threapist, whatever. Spend the money you don’t have (or spent on your new toys). How much is your marriage worth to you?

    Ten lonely years is a long time, and I don’t think you’d have a lot of people disagreeing with you, if–and I mean if– you decided to leave HONESTLY. Tell Arwyn that you need intimacy or you’re going to some else. Tell her why. Don’t passively post it in a blog you know she doesn’t read. TELL HER. Be honest. It’s going to be fucking painful but LESS than it would if you cheated (and I don’t know where you live, but looks bad in divorce court too).

    Sneaking around is a coward’s way out.

    But if telling her doesn’t work and she continues to neglect you, then stop this sham of a marriage with your head held high.

    Just an opinion based on you blog. Good luck.

  4. Amy says:

    Maybe I’ve had too much to drink tonight, but I didn’t recall seeing D say anything about cheating? Also, from what I’ve read in previous posts, he’s talked to her about this many, many times and she’s not budging. I think he’s gone above and beyond what most would do in his situation. Now let’s see if I can get this word verification thing right…that’s the drunk test! 😉

  5. Satan says:

    I agree with Amy. All Digger did was minimize and validate NSN’s affair, not advocate his own.

  6. 1Cubed says:

    just dropping by, good to her your doing… welll… Sto pby sometime

  7. Anonymous says:

    do yourself a favor, if you ARE going to cheat, get a divorce first, trust me, I’ve seen men lose parental rights (total) over adultery. None of mine really, but I feel if you shouldn’t fuck around, but if u must, then get the divorce first. ( I recommend a strip club first, it’s discreet and unlikely to have dire consequences, provided you never tell, and you go somewhere away from where you live.) Have you and her tried counseling?

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