Battle of the Reptiles

11/19/2005

Saturday

Last night, the campaign continued. I debated about whether or not to give it a rest and decided to keep going forward. The Battle Over Breakfast was a very quick, but bloody skirmish involving some pretty harsh words. It was not very well planned but was executed well, on my part. At least that's what I still think. I leave it to you all to pick it apart and analyze it.

The War for Intimacy is progressing more slowly than expected. Today is day 84 without sex. This ties Desperate Husband's previous celibate streak which was finally broken 35 or so days ago. I know there are readers who have gone longer, and I've gone longer. But these have not been chronicled in a blog, so they don't count. You all can go back to late August archives and read about the last time I had sex.

Last night, the boys were in bed and Arwyn laid down, per her usual routine. I decided to see what I could start. She asked if I wanted any pie, as she has bought a pumpkin pie on her most recent shopping trip. But I had just eaten, so she padded off to grab piece while I brushed my teeth and read a few of you. When she returned, she turned out the light and we began talking.

My feeble mind can not remember everything that was said, sorry. Topics covered:

-Her attractiveness

-My attractiveness

-My selfishness

-Her selfishness

-The need for me to listen to her

– They way I'm generally treated e.g. me touching her and her touching me.

– Possible interventions

I can't remember exactly how we got into it or how it ended, but I'll try to cover the above topics.

The attractiveness bit started out with me touching her inner thigh as she lay in the inverted position. She moved my hand to her knee. I tried to hold her hand and she didn't want that, preffering to hold my wrist in such a way that I couldn't touch her. I commented that my hands must feel slimy and scaly. She replied that my hands were not slimy. A bit dry sometimes and rough, but not slimy. I commented that maybe my hands were scaly like a snake. She countered that snakes had smooth skin.

Not exactly affirming.

I then said maybe they were more like spider legs or something similarly creepy. She asked what was up with that analogy and I commented on how I felt like she was repulsed by me.

"I didn't say that."

Of course not in so many words, but her actions made me feel ugly and unattractive. She said she didn't feel like a beauty queen, and wasn't much to look at. I told her she was crazy. When I show her picture to others, they always remark how pretty she is. I asked if I made her feel unattractive and she said no. I told her liked every part of her. There were no parts I disliked or found unattractive. She asked about the fungus between her toes and I said that didn't turn me off at all.

My attractiveness is a different story. She said she liked my lips and my eyes. I guess the rest of me isn't worth so much.

I think we got into me touching her from there. She commented how heavy my arms were and I told her that I weighed exactly the same as when we got married. Maybe all my weight transferred. I also pointed out that she rarely ever touches me. Sorry, I can't remember the resolution of this topic. I'm not sure it was, but it was covered, just not with any depth.

Selfishness was something brought up in the previous battle and she brought it up again. I was ready. I asked her if it was selfish of me when after a long day at work, and after working late on a second job the I came home to make her dinner. No, she admitted. How about when I go to the store and buy her a favorite soft drink? No? How about me buying her favorite candy? No, not selfish again. All things done in the past week. Now, I asked…

"When was the last time you did something thoughtful for me?"

She thought. And she thought. Like Pooh Bear, in his thinking spot she thought some more. Think. Think. Think. The best she could come up with was making me a birthday cake almost a month ago. Perhaps I should have fired for effect then and there and asked her, Is that what I really wanted for my birthday? I wanted to fuck you and all I got was a lousy cake! It wasn't even my favorite cake. Not even in the top 5!

But I did not. This is not a war of conquest but of attrition. I let it go. But she was nailed on the selfish comment, and it turned and bit her in the ass. She knew it and I knew it. Hopefully we've put a stop to those comments if not that line of thinking.

The way we converse was a topic that was covered. She said sometimes she needs me to listen without judging and/or taking the opposing view. She admitted that like on many other fronts, I had improved on this. She admits that she sometimes gets off track and off on tangents but will eventually return. I pointed out that this was well and good, but me being interupted was unacceptable. If she pauses and I begin to speak she needs to hold off until it's her turn instead of running over the top of me. She had a harder time conceding this point. I told her that I would not tolerate a third occurance of this. She gets two freebies and then the conversation ends. She got indignant at this and I told her it was just rude, and rampant rudeness was unacceptable.

Towards the end of this discussion, she said she had no idea of what to do. It was like we were in some kind of stalemate.

We did a review of some things we've tried that fell flat. I invited her to come up with her own interventions or try some we had tried in the past, again. I was hoping she might mention the cage, since this really was something that held promise, albeit for a limited time. But that did not come up. In fact, sex was not a topic that was covered much at all. I held some hopes that she might get charitable, but she did not and it was quite late when our discussion concluded. Her idea of an intervention was for me to tell her what I wanted for dinner before I left for work, especially when working late so she could know what to make. I suppose it's better than nothing.

Arwyn commented that she did not know what to do and did not know how to access answers on what to do. I guided her by asking how she got information about autism. Same way we get answers for everything else; the internet! But she has not invested any time or effort in researching what to do with our marriage. If she spent half as much time looking into our marriage as she did with the mercury in vaccinations, the whole family would benefit from a more loving, secure environment.

The evening concluded with Arwyn actually laying with her head on my end of the bed, and her putting her hand on my back for a minute or so while I began drifting off to sleep.

Some progress has been made. There is generally less tension between us, but the lack of physical intimacy is still ahead for a major confrontation. I think her eyes are just beginning to open as to my unhappiness.

There are always openings in these discussions/battles for decisive strikes that would deal severely punishing blows. More often than not, I decline to deliver them. If I'm going to live with this person, I can't be delivering blows that would leave lasting scars and cause animosity and resentment. Been there, done that. This is a longterm struggle against forces that are mostly invisible. Arwyn's faults easily blend in and intermingle with her strengths. We need to work together to bring a lasting peace born out of her own self determination and her own volition. She needs enough freedom to discover whether or not she wants to continue to stay with me. Pulling out is always an option but one that can only be used once, for the most part.

In this, Square1 hit it in a comment on the last battle. There needs to be some trust building as well as some degree of security.

All of you had good comments. You all inspire me to become the hero of my own odessey by fighting the good fight. The odds are long, indeed. I'm not so sure I would still be engaged in this if it were not for you good folks hanging with me. I draw enough energy from you all to keep it up and then write about it. I'm conscious of the fact that I am the primary character in this adventure and if the pace gets slow, it is up to me to move things along. If my plot gets stale, I need to do something to liven it up. It's up to me to generate material worthy of your reading it. Sometimes my behavior drives my story. Sometimes the story drives my behavior. Which is how you, the readers become more than just observers. You are participants of a sort. Hope you don't mind me using y'all!

D.

Advertisements

13 Responses to Battle of the Reptiles

  1. Rob says:

    “If my plot gets stale, I need to do something to liven it up. It’s up to me to generate material worthy of your reading it.”

    D., this is not fiction (at least I hope not). This is YOUR life, your marriage, your future, your happiness that is being discussed and is at stake here. This is your blog, for your sole benefit. Do you really think that you are spilling your guts here to us – simply to “liven it up”, to entertain us? Man, I hope not because otherwise you’ve got your priorities a tad wrong, in my opinion anyway. We are here to try and support/help you – not expecting that you are obligated in any way to keep us “interested”. If your marriage and life should turn 180 and magicly become perfect, do you think we’ll get all bored because of the lack of drama and leave? I think not dude.

  2. Square1 says:

    Though I think the comment that has rob a bit hot and bothered was meant as a bit of witty reparte… I do agree with him. Your life needs hold no entertainment value for us.

    However you must keep at what you are doing. Arwyn is not going to confront the problem so that means you must. You seem to be going about it with “a velvet touch and an iron hand” a la Rachel Lampa. Keep it up.

  3. Susan says:

    Well, you certainly got nowhere with all the roundabout approaches, you’ve got nothing to lose with a direct approach.

  4. Tajalude says:

    Why does it sound like this is the first time you two have had this conversation? Am I reading into that wrong? It just seems like this is the first time you two have sat down and discussed these things. If it is, why??? How long overdue is this? You’ve never met anyone who dislikes confrontation more than me, and even I find it possible to grow a pair when something needs to be discussed.

    There’s got to be a line between what you don’t feel comfortable saying for fear of lasting damage, and what you need for her to understand as the truth. Perhaps it’s the joyful martyr in me, but there are things you withhold from telling her that I just can’t imagine myself withholding. Simply hurting her because she hurts you isn’t the answer, but you can’t spend all of your time dancing around your truth and your perception of the truth to protect her feelings. She doesn’t seem to mind hurting yours.

  5. kissy says:

    ooo listening, really listening, that’s what counts.

    Sex for a woman comes best when there’s real intimacy. As long as she THINKS that you don’t listen to her, then she’s not going to be in the mood. When she is made to feel like she’s really sexy, and she feels close to you and that she doesn’t have to perform, like another chore to do around the house, then you’re on your way…

    84 days, gotta be a record of some kind. you’re amazing.

    How do you express love and feel loved in return?

    Ditto for her.

    There’s a great book:
    5 Languages of Love
    Giving/recieving Gifts
    Physical touch (all kinds)
    Quality time (talk/listen to me!)
    Acts of service (I’ll do the dishes!)
    Words of affirmation & appreciation

    Once we learned that my husband needs lots of WORDS of encouragement and appreciation, and I need lots of quality talk/listen time, our marriage improved. We don’t express love the same way and we don’t feel loved by the same methods. THAT poses a mismatch that no amount of shared interests gets around.

    My X husband gave me gifts all the time, but would never spend time with me. We made it 6 total years. Neither of us ever felt loved and appreciated. We were coming from totally different directions on communicating love.

    Want to learn more go to my site.

    It’s just one more piece of the puzzle of personalities.

  6. Denise Regan says:

    My former lover, whom I referred to as “the beautiful man” on my blog is married; separated now for a while because of the same things you & Arwyn are going through ( no kids, though ). What you are saying in regard to the affection reminds me of the things he told me.

    I can tell you about it now because I’ve stopped blogging. I actually emailed him the link to your blog several months ago & he read it with interest. He doesn’t believe in monogamy anymore; he says that, if they stay married, they will have an open marriage.

    I’m not saying this is what you should do, I’m just telling you how it seems to be working out for them.

  7. DH says:

    Use away man.

    As for the streak…congratulations? Not sure what to say about that one.

    Hope it ends soon though.

    I’ve only got about 36 days on the new one.

    I hope Arwyn comes to her senses sometime soon.

  8. Leela Lamore says:

    All alien to me … don’t get it don’t understand it don’t know what to say.

  9. FTN says:

    Digger, congratulations on a couple of good, honest discussions with your wife. Keep up the communication. It may take quite a few more of these before you really start to understand each other. I would warn, however, that too many uses of the word “unacceptable” is definitely going to bother her. I may have used the term in a prior comment, but I know I wouldn’t use those kind of “absolute” words too many times — no matter how true it might be. Finding a softer, gentler way of saying something might be a good thing.

    Women respond just as much to HOW things are said, as to WHAT is said. Probably moreso.

  10. BroccoliEaster says:

    I agree with FTN that overusing “unacceptable” is probably not going to help. You’re speaking in abolutes, and you’re also using words that sound very parent-to-child, not husband-to-wife.

    Tell her what you need, but I think as soon as you start telling her *what* to do or *how* to do it, you’re crossing a line that will only increase her resistance.

  11. Square1 says:

    See I tend to disagree. If unacceptable is over used then yes, it could come across very parent to child as in, “The way you are treating me is unacceptable.” That is accusational. However something along the lines of, “This stalemate in our relationship is unacceptable and we BOTH have to do something about it.” is letting her know that the way they are living can not continue. Period. And for what Digger is going through and the way they are relating… I’m sorry but it is unacceptable. If the shoe fits… you fill in the blanks.

  12. Satan says:

    I agree with Square1. I find it easier to be attracted to a man who is confident about setting boundaries rather than being overly concerned about the words ‘sounding right’. Play too much into that game and you’re just arguing about *how* you say the words rather than *what* you are saying.
    Arwyn hasn’t much taken to cuddly sunshine Digger, maybe she’ll pay more attention to a firmer hand?

  13. virgin says:

    I’m nearing day 12,000.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: