Last night, the campaign continued. I debated about whether or not to give it a rest and decided to keep going forward. The Battle Over Breakfast was a very quick, but bloody skirmish involving some pretty harsh words. It was not very well planned but was executed well, on my part. At least that's what I still think. I leave it to you all to pick it apart and analyze it.
The War for Intimacy is progressing more slowly than expected. Today is day 84 without sex. This ties Desperate Husband's previous celibate streak which was finally broken 35 or so days ago. I know there are readers who have gone longer, and I've gone longer. But these have not been chronicled in a blog, so they don't count. You all can go back to late August archives and read about the last time I had sex.
Last night, the boys were in bed and Arwyn laid down, per her usual routine. I decided to see what I could start. She asked if I wanted any pie, as she has bought a pumpkin pie on her most recent shopping trip. But I had just eaten, so she padded off to grab piece while I brushed my teeth and read a few of you. When she returned, she turned out the light and we began talking.
My feeble mind can not remember everything that was said, sorry. Topics covered:
-The need for me to listen to her
– They way I'm generally treated e.g. me touching her and her touching me.
– Possible interventions
I can't remember exactly how we got into it or how it ended, but I'll try to cover the above topics.
The attractiveness bit started out with me touching her inner thigh as she lay in the inverted position. She moved my hand to her knee. I tried to hold her hand and she didn't want that, preffering to hold my wrist in such a way that I couldn't touch her. I commented that my hands must feel slimy and scaly. She replied that my hands were not slimy. A bit dry sometimes and rough, but not slimy. I commented that maybe my hands were scaly like a snake. She countered that snakes had smooth skin.
Not exactly affirming.
I then said maybe they were more like spider legs or something similarly creepy. She asked what was up with that analogy and I commented on how I felt like she was repulsed by me.
"I didn't say that."
Of course not in so many words, but her actions made me feel ugly and unattractive. She said she didn't feel like a beauty queen, and wasn't much to look at. I told her she was crazy. When I show her picture to others, they always remark how pretty she is. I asked if I made her feel unattractive and she said no. I told her liked every part of her. There were no parts I disliked or found unattractive. She asked about the fungus between her toes and I said that didn't turn me off at all.
My attractiveness is a different story. She said she liked my lips and my eyes. I guess the rest of me isn't worth so much.
I think we got into me touching her from there. She commented how heavy my arms were and I told her that I weighed exactly the same as when we got married. Maybe all my weight transferred. I also pointed out that she rarely ever touches me. Sorry, I can't remember the resolution of this topic. I'm not sure it was, but it was covered, just not with any depth.
Selfishness was something brought up in the previous battle and she brought it up again. I was ready. I asked her if it was selfish of me when after a long day at work, and after working late on a second job the I came home to make her dinner. No, she admitted. How about when I go to the store and buy her a favorite soft drink? No? How about me buying her favorite candy? No, not selfish again. All things done in the past week. Now, I asked…
"When was the last time you did something thoughtful for me?"
She thought. And she thought. Like Pooh Bear, in his thinking spot she thought some more. Think. Think. Think. The best she could come up with was making me a birthday cake almost a month ago. Perhaps I should have fired for effect then and there and asked her, Is that what I really wanted for my birthday? I wanted to fuck you and all I got was a lousy cake! It wasn't even my favorite cake. Not even in the top 5!
But I did not. This is not a war of conquest but of attrition. I let it go. But she was nailed on the selfish comment, and it turned and bit her in the ass. She knew it and I knew it. Hopefully we've put a stop to those comments if not that line of thinking.
The way we converse was a topic that was covered. She said sometimes she needs me to listen without judging and/or taking the opposing view. She admitted that like on many other fronts, I had improved on this. She admits that she sometimes gets off track and off on tangents but will eventually return. I pointed out that this was well and good, but me being interupted was unacceptable. If she pauses and I begin to speak she needs to hold off until it's her turn instead of running over the top of me. She had a harder time conceding this point. I told her that I would not tolerate a third occurance of this. She gets two freebies and then the conversation ends. She got indignant at this and I told her it was just rude, and rampant rudeness was unacceptable.
Towards the end of this discussion, she said she had no idea of what to do. It was like we were in some kind of stalemate.
We did a review of some things we've tried that fell flat. I invited her to come up with her own interventions or try some we had tried in the past, again. I was hoping she might mention the cage, since this really was something that held promise, albeit for a limited time. But that did not come up. In fact, sex was not a topic that was covered much at all. I held some hopes that she might get charitable, but she did not and it was quite late when our discussion concluded. Her idea of an intervention was for me to tell her what I wanted for dinner before I left for work, especially when working late so she could know what to make. I suppose it's better than nothing.
Arwyn commented that she did not know what to do and did not know how to access answers on what to do. I guided her by asking how she got information about autism. Same way we get answers for everything else; the internet! But she has not invested any time or effort in researching what to do with our marriage. If she spent half as much time looking into our marriage as she did with the mercury in vaccinations, the whole family would benefit from a more loving, secure environment.
The evening concluded with Arwyn actually laying with her head on my end of the bed, and her putting her hand on my back for a minute or so while I began drifting off to sleep.
Some progress has been made. There is generally less tension between us, but the lack of physical intimacy is still ahead for a major confrontation. I think her eyes are just beginning to open as to my unhappiness.
There are always openings in these discussions/battles for decisive strikes that would deal severely punishing blows. More often than not, I decline to deliver them. If I'm going to live with this person, I can't be delivering blows that would leave lasting scars and cause animosity and resentment. Been there, done that. This is a longterm struggle against forces that are mostly invisible. Arwyn's faults easily blend in and intermingle with her strengths. We need to work together to bring a lasting peace born out of her own self determination and her own volition. She needs enough freedom to discover whether or not she wants to continue to stay with me. Pulling out is always an option but one that can only be used once, for the most part.
In this, Square1 hit it in a comment on the last battle. There needs to be some trust building as well as some degree of security.
All of you had good comments. You all inspire me to become the hero of my own odessey by fighting the good fight. The odds are long, indeed. I'm not so sure I would still be engaged in this if it were not for you good folks hanging with me. I draw enough energy from you all to keep it up and then write about it. I'm conscious of the fact that I am the primary character in this adventure and if the pace gets slow, it is up to me to move things along. If my plot gets stale, I need to do something to liven it up. It's up to me to generate material worthy of your reading it. Sometimes my behavior drives my story. Sometimes the story drives my behavior. Which is how you, the readers become more than just observers. You are participants of a sort. Hope you don't mind me using y'all!