Oops! I had no idea but I left you all hanging loose, didn’t I? So let’s see if I can wrap things up.
After I asked her what she expected me to do, I did give her a hug and a kiss and told her that I loved her. She said, “I don’t feel like it, sometimes.”
I told her that love was not just some simple thing that worked like gravity. Leave it alone and stuff still happens. Actually, now that I think of it, apathy is like gravity. That is where things will decay to if left unattended and without investing any energy. I told her that it involved a willful choice, something we choose to do and work towards. Just sitting around and waiting for things to happen was unacceptable. I invited suggestions from her what I might do, and she didn’t really offer any. She merely complained that I didn’t spend any time with the kids and that we didn’t like to do the same things. I told her that preferences in hobbies and pastimes was acceptable. It’s okay not to like the same things.
But now it comes to me that she considers sex a hobby or pastime. Not something that needs to be done and certainly not if she doesn’t feel like it.
As far as the children and spending time with them, I told her that it was difficult to get too excited about it. Now that I’ve had a chance to think about it, it isn’t as much about them as it is about her. I’m much less inclined to spend time with her. I’d do stuff with them but not if it means having to do so on her terms which it always seems to be. So I’ve been inclined to let her go her own way.
I had to get going to work, and was late already. I gave her a hug and a kiss and left. We left on okay terms, I think. At least we had a better idea where the other person stood.
Last night I got home and had some short stuff to do on the computer, including grabbing as many posts by you all as possible. I then played with the kids, made a sandwich to eat while she gave them their baths. They had already eaten before I got home. One of the deals with working extra hours is that I get home later and the kids don’t do well eating later.
Next, I checked phone messages and we did miss one phone call so I went to tell Arwyn about it (it was from one of our friends) and gave her the phone. She was already in bed with the lights out. One of her chief complaints is that she never gats enough sleep. The kids sleep disturbances and my snoring being a primary culprit. Seems me going to bed much later would be in her interest as she could at least get *some* sleep uninterrupted. But she never told me she was going to bed. She was just there. There was no invitation to come in and talk or anything. So that was that. I finished reading various posts, did some other writing and then went to bed at around 11 which is somewhat early for me. This morning, the boys were up early so there was no opportunity to talk. The youngest had a serious meltdown as he wanted to ride the bus but it was not his morning to do so. I’m sitting naked, after my shower, trying to take a dump and I hear Arwyn “I NEED YOUR HELP RIGHT NOW!” Elmo is screaming his lungs out, fighting to get on the bus. I quickly threw some stuff on and went out to get him and had to do a bit of an intervention on him and then it was time to go to work.
So the short answer is, nothing much happened as a result of it. Nothing changed much. Not much of a resolution but I figure Arwyn and I need some time and space to digest this stuff. Then we will clash again. My take is that if we’re not making love then maybe we can make war. The War for Intimacy continues. It is a different kind of war, more like a war of attrition rather than one of conquest. The War on Debt is a war of conquest. The two struggles are intimately linked. The longer the former goes on, the more the latter becomes a war for independence and freedom. We need to be free from debt so that if I want to move out and set up an independent household, I can be free to do so. Right now, Visa and assorted other creditors own us. I wonder if I could convince them to sell one of us off?
Standing firm and strong is not an easy thing. Ever. I wonder sometimes about those who are forever urging me to leave. Is it really because it would be in my best interest? Or it because me sticking it out makes others less strong for choosing a different path? I don’t blame others who leave or even those having affairs. It’s only by God’s grace that I’ve been able to hold on. If I get His blessing for leaving, then I’ll do that. But falling off and slipping away to temptation is all too easy. I’ve fallen for enough temptations in the past I’m not throwing stones at others for whatever they get weighed down with.