War For Intimacy: Battle of Stone Mountain

11/13/2005

Sunday

Yesterday, I tried several things that I listed below. Arwyn likes Mountian Dew, so I bought some for her while out getting a haircut. I just put it in the fridge, not making a huge deal out of it. Then, that afternoon, the entire family went to Stone Mountain, where we have season passes. Stone Mountain is a large granite rock over 1500 feet high with the largest relief carving in the world on one face of it. The park has several attractions around it, including a 19th century village/tourist trap called Crossroads, a lake with a real old time paddle boat called The Scarlet Ohara, a Sky Lift going to the top of the mountain and a train that runs around the mountain. After dark, they have a laser show, which includes fireworks in the summer. Yesterday marked the opening day of their old fashioned Christams celebration. This was the setting for the the latest battle in my little private war. And what a battle it was. This may go down in my personal history as my own private Gettysburg. I'll leave it to you as to which side.

In preparation, we made and packed sandwiches. The opening shots were fired before we even left the house. The boys were excited about eating peanut butter and jelly sanwiches for a picnic at the park. Arwyn groused about this as we were out of grape jelly. She revealed that she hated strawberry jelly. I had no idea. I suggested honey instead of jelly, which got me a look as if I were crazy. She made a turkey sandwich, while I made my peanut butter and honey sandwiches. I'm thinking that she wanted me to suggest us buying something there, but we are fighting a war on debt and I was doing no such thing. So she was slightly pissy about that. I was just sad.

The drive over was fairly uneventful, as we talked about the boys and the teachers they may or may not have for school next year. The earlier tension dissapated and soon we arrived at a park that was more crowded than anticipated. The weather was gorgeous, so we shouldn't have been too surprised.

The first planned event was the boat ride. Since the truck-towed tram wasn't running, we decided to walk. It wasn't terribly far and I fancied taking a shortcul off the sidewalk, over a granite shelf extending down towards the lake. Arwyn nixed the idea totally, although both boys were keen to do so. So we ended up taking the boring sidewalk around and down the road. This was the woman who claimed to love backpacking and hiking and adventure.

We arrived just in time to see the Scarlet Ohara embarking on her 30 minute cruise. So we spent or time on the dock, feeding ducks, geese and fish. It was funny watching the fish snatch the food just as the geese were lunging for it. The birds still got most of it.

When the boat came back and folks disembarked, we loaded up climbing to the upper level with several other families, kids and couples. We all sat on one large bench, although the boys didn't spend a lot of time sitting down. I straddled the bench, facing Arwyn as she sat, watching the boys. Then she got up to take pictures, leaving me straddling the bench which a young mother and her daughter took over. I sat there for most of the cruise as Arwyn took a few pictures and walked around the deck with the boys. I was just fine where I was, with a different woman sitting in the spot where Arwyn formerly was watching the scenery, both on and off the boat. I finally stood up and stretched my back. Arwyn chose that moment to return to the bench, practically knocking the young woman and her daughter out of the way in the process. I felt kind of bad for her as she got up, took her daughter and moved to the front of the boat.

As Scarlet Ohara docked. we filed back down the stairs. We walked back to the main part of the park. This time, I took Thomas off the sidewalk and told Arwyn I'd meet her at the skylift. Elmo wanted to go, too. He ran after Thomas and I but stopped once he realized his mother wasn't following and promptly threw a fit. Arwyn reluctantly went with, as she looked over and saw a couple in their late 50's pass us. She looks so young, but acts so old. Thus, the boat ride was not filled with a lot of drama, but no romance either.

There was a sizable line waiting for the skylift, but we were able to get in on the next car. They pack these things pretty tight. so we were right in there. I looked over and I'm standing right next to the very same woman and daughter who occupied the bench on the boat. That was wierd.

She smiled at me and snuck a hand down, planting it right on top of a growing erection and….

waitaminit.

No, that's not right. While we were in each others space, we all behaved. But my mind was wandering. There was a couple in front of us that did begin making out a bit. That was pretty hot. Reminded me of kissing a different woman at a different time while riding to the top of the St. Louis Arch.

While on top of the mountain, we could see the lake and on the other side we could see the Atlanta skyline. I sat down beside the boys while Arwyn took more pictures. Thomas and I walked all around the top while Arwyn and Elmo disappeared until it was time to go down. I was okay, but feeling badly about the whole relationship business. It was all over me like a black cloud.

On the way back down on the skylift, I got tired of feeling hopeless and put my hand on Arwyn's waist. She seemed okay with this, and did give what I guessed was a return touch once we got to the bottom and winding through the gift shop. Brief as it was, my poor mind wrapped all around that one touch. We headed back to the car to get our lunch. We parked by a large rock jutting up and had our picnic on top of that. The sun was setting and the shadows were getting long and there was a chill in the air. It was getting much cooler.

We wandered around the streets of Crossroads and Thomas gave a rousing rendition of "We wish you a Merry Christmas" at the karioke place. We also visited a tent where they had various activities for the kids, including cookie decoratong, coloring and making ornaments. The boys bypassed all of that in order to spend the balance of their time at the train table. Nothing resembling romance, here.

The boys were having a grand time and were doing very well. Arwyn and I were doing okay and were having fun watching them. But the family connection between the two of us was missing. I endeavored to correct this during the final two or three scenes of our day.

Next, it was time to ride the train. The train closes at 8 p.m. during the summer but runs up until 10 during the Christmas celibration. After Thnaksgiving, they'll run two trains. Last night it has just pulled in, so there was little waiting. Waiting for kids is always tough, especially those with developmental delays. While Thomas absolutely loves trains, he doesn't like the loudness of the horn, so we rode in the last car.

The cars had Christmas lights on them, to fit the occasion. The entire park was lit with thousands of Christmas lights, with several displays set up around the train route. The cars are completely open, with a roof, so the chilly air was really hitting us. Anyone thinking of doing this should dress warmly because the windchill drops the temperature proportionally. During this time, while Thomas sat by the "window", Elmo sat on Arwyn's lap and I sat on the aisle. I eventually put my arm around Arwyn and snuggled without appearing to snuggle so much. She gave no objections to this at all, although there was no return snuggling. But it was the most enjoyable and family-like activity of the day/evening. It was the high water mark of the evening. Or of the entire weekend. I was definitely feeling warmer towards Arwyn after the train ride and thought maybe this was a mutual thing.

Next, we headed up the hill for the laser show, holding hands. There is a giant, sloping lawn area in front of the carving. Lasers are used to project animations and large speakers play music to go with the show. This is a good date night activity for those in the area. Blankets and chairs strewn up and down the hillside. The winter show is much shorter than the one they play in the summer. Thankfully.

We didn't bring any blankets so sat right on the lawn, which is amazingly soft and lush for the sort of traffic it endures. I straddled up behind Arwyn as she held Elmo, with my arms around her loosely. She didn't lean back against me, though. I leaned forward into her to nuzzle my nose into her hair as I love the smell and feel of her fine hair against my face. She doubled over forward pushing Elmo down the hill in the process, "Don't do that!"

"Why?"

"I just don't like it when you stick your nose in my hair!"

The Eeww factor raised to a new level. And the proverbial straw.

Let's go down the list, shall we?

-No anal play whatsoever

-no oral; giving or receiving

– no deep kissing or kissing with the tongue or any part of the tongue or opening of mouths. ever

-No kissing on the neck or around the ears

-no touching the breasts…anywhare except maybe the sides and this rarely.

-no touching between the legs

-no touching the stomach.

-no sucking anywhare

– no licking anywhere

– no touching with feet

– no resting my leg on her

– no resting my arm across her body

– no nose rubbing or smelling anywhere

– Oh, and she doesn't like strawberry jelly. Actually, this is one I wish she'd spread to the children, since grape jelly costs half as much.

I feel like I'm missing some items.

Oh, yeah. No penis poking unless she has given permission and then it's going straight in, do its thing and then right out. You can see why a handjob is such a major event in the Jones household. I don't sense a lot of love in it, though.

After the aborted nuzzling, Thomas thankfully needed to use the bathroom and I was just fine taking him. There were no further attempts at intimacy on the night. The addition of the "No Nuzzling" prohibition bummed me out royally. Feeling strung out sexually, neglected as a person and finally totally undesirable as a husband as thrown me. It has depressed and angered me. I am blessed with a short memory of such things, which explains why I've been able to hang as long as I have. I can get over it, forget about it and move on. Arwyn has no such defense. 10 years ago, she took a baked potato to work everyday. She got tired of baked potatoes and refuses to bother with them to this day. I'm sure her memory is selective, but wherever she lives mentally, she seems stuck there.

But this. It seems like such a small thing. Nuzzling my nose in my lover's hair, and deeply breathing in her scent. I could probably live without it, if it weren't for all the other limitations.

My one time in an Atlanta strip club, that actually was the greatest rush. The girl would dance and gyrate her naked, nubile body all around me and then toss her hair about my head and face. I liked the naked nubile body, but it was that hair toss that was the most intimate part of the whole deal. They liked taking my glasses and rubbing it in their pussy or even hugging my face into their chest between ample cleavage. But it was the smell and feel of their long hair that I liked the best.

Arwyn had long hair all the while we dated. But once we married, she cut it. So common a practice amongst women, it has a name called "The Wife Cut." Women frequently let their hair and nails grow for the wedding, because they want to look pretty for the guests and the pictures. But once the wedding is over, then comes The Wife Cut. Arwyn cut her nails off on our wedding night. The hair lasted almost a year before she finalized The Wife Cut.

But I digress. There have been more numerous examples of Arwyn getting more blatant in her withdrawal away from me. In church this morning, I stretched out my arm to encircle her shoulders and she nestles into the far corner of the pew. I'm sure there is some issue of physical comfort here, such as an aversion to being constricted by my reptilian arm tentacles.

Counseling has not been off the table so much as complicated by logistics. But that may be the one area where I let her take the initiative, if she has the will. No sense in wasting money and time if she's not interested in working. I am entertaining the thought of going for a session or two on my own, just to bounce the thoughts off a professional. He/she would probably be limited as to what they could do without the both of us, but at least I could be certified as being sane. Or medicated into sanity.

Thanks for hanging with me.

D.

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22 Responses to War For Intimacy: Battle of Stone Mountain

  1. Rob says:

    If nothing else counseling just might provide you with better coping mechanisms. I haven’t read any of Dr. Phil’s many books but there too may be some ideas for you. On 2nd thought, maybe I too should read some of Phil’s stuff before I finally decide on a drastic course of action in my own situation. In any event, good luck to you.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Digger, I feel for you. I hope something, *ANYTHING*, will happen to improve the situation; but honestly I know divorced couples that get along better than you two.

    On a lengthy side note: I grew up in a family where my parents were good “friends” and not a couple–– they have slept in separate beds for the most part, not much hugging or kissing. They stuck together for us, put us kids first, and connected over getting us through life. And they did very well. I love them both very very much, and I admire how much personal happiness they gave up.

    But do I want to have a marriage like that today? Not on your life.

    Good luck, Digger.

  3. Square1 says:

    Yikes your frustrations sets me stewing in frustration! I can barely imagine how you cope. I wish I had sage advice to offer, but you seem to have tried every sage, wise, unwise, useful and/or useless information/advice available. It takes two to tango, and it just seems like Arwyn doesn’t want to dance. Tae that analogy any way you like.

  4. Aroused Girl says:

    Hi Digger,

    We are in such similar situations. I feel for you. It does hurt to initiate those small intimate things and have them received so poorly. I am sorry.

    Counseling? Do it, do it for you, do it for your kids, do it for your self-worth. I am. It is helping.

  5. DH says:

    I’ve hung in this long, Digger. I’ll be here for a lot longer.

    I don’t know how you do it man.

    I mean, at least when my wife does decide she wants something, she’s moderately open…dramatically so compared to Arwyn…it’s what keeps me interested in making things work and sticking around.

    I really don’t know what I do if my situation were more like yours.

    Hang in there, Bud. I like the solo counseling idea…validation is not such a bad thing.

  6. aphron says:

    It’s amazing how people let petty things take on a life of their own. It seems that Arwyn has a deep seeded resentment towards you that she cannot discuss. Some people are like this. Others are like you and me: short memories. Luckily for our wives, I might add.

  7. Katie says:

    Why? Just why? Why won’t she let you do anything? What does she say to “Why?”

    This post makes me very sad. I can feel your hurt and disappointment at her lack of response to you. I don’t know how you aren’t terribly depressed over all this. My husband isn’t the most affectionate (which stings a bit in its own way) but at least we have sex. To have nothing physical would probably kill me. I’m so sorry you are living this way.

  8. Brainstorm says:

    Counseling seems the best choice, but if she cringes at intimacy, she may resist couples counseling. Perhaps she should also have a few solo sessions. If she doesn’t want you to smell her hair, she probably isn’t comfortable with you hearing the inner workings of her mind. Just a thought. I hope you two find some rememdy. My husband sniffs all over…it’s insane, but if he stopped all together, I would miss it.

  9. Amanda says:

    I’ve been following this for awhile, and just am sad. Sad for you and funny enough sad for her. I crave intimacy with my SO and I feel lost and alone without that connection (not just sex, but any warmth and affection – including a glance). I agree with one of the commenters that there has to be some kind of deep rooted resentment or something that you are unaware of – because I have to believe she wasn’t always like this. If she was always unaffectionate – then I guess my question is why marry her if you knew she was this way? (I’m sorry if you’ve addressed this and I’ve missed it). My prayers and thoughts are with you both. I’m amazed at your strength of conviction in sticking with it all. I know I would have died a slow death long before now.

  10. Just throwing things out here. Did you wrong Arwyn in a previous life? Did you do something a few years ago that she remembers every time she see’s you, that you forgot? Or maybe she took it the wrong way? Did you look at someone else and she took it wrong?
    Or did she have difficult pregnancies and associates sex with a bad pregnancy? Not likely as the issue seems to be that she is just putting up a wall between you.
    I aggree with another commentor. Go to counseling on your own. Just the validation will make you feel better. It may also have another effect. She may want to know what you are saying about her. That MIGHT make her want to go just to keep an eye on you. Hope things get better.
    CH

  11. BroccoliEater says:

    I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. Even when we’ve had LL periods, we always had other physical intimacy – touching, hugging, spooning in bed. It must be frustrating and heartbreaking to not even get that.

    I agree with the others about the counseling. Until you’ve tried that, you can’t say you’ve tried everything. And it’s one of those things you have to give a real chance at – one or two sessions won’t be enough to show progress for sure.

  12. JeN says:

    Still hanging in here with you

  13. Leela Lamore says:

    Digger this is getting more and more insane from Arwens side. I just dont get it so there is really nothing I can say to make you feel better.

  14. Cinnamon says:

    Digger,

    I haven’t comented here before, but I used to be in a marriage like this, but it was the other way around – my husband was the one who was withholding affection.

    You are being abused.

    Go to counselling, just yourself, for your own health. Get yourself someone who you can talk to about all of this, who’s an unbiased, realistic voice that’s not all caught up in the situation and can give you a fresh perspective.

    And, if you can, try to find a female therapist who specializes in sexual issues. They exist. Usually a regular psycologist can give you a referral to a specialist even if it’s just one appointment.

    I repeat: you are being abused. I’m not exaggerating. It is reprehensible. But don’t take it from some stranger reading your blog – go to a professional who specializes in this area, and see what they say.

    And yes, for the marriage to change, you wife will have to change — and that means she’s going to have to WANT to change. That may not happen. You may try couples’ therapy together later, but for yourself, you need to gain some perspective.

    I will repeat to you what a sexual therapist told me, once upon a time:

    “You are a loving (husband) who is only looking for a normal, healthy sexual relationship with your spouse.”

    You wouldn’t be so sad, so hurt, if it wasn’t true. And there are plenty of non-sleazy, nice women out there who would be overjoyed to have a faithful husband who wanted a happy family life, and an affectionate loving partnership.

    Hugs and Good Luck,

  15. brat says:

    Wow – i happened to just stumble across you. I cannot even begin to imagine how you live like this. I agree with others that counseling on your own may help.
    I wish you the best of luck.

  16. Danica says:

    Digger:

    Read my post from yesterday. It is a bit more extreme in that FH wouldn’t let me give him a blowjob, but I had similar feelings. Oh how I would adore a nuzzle….

    She is so fortunate.

    Danica

  17. Anonymous says:

    I think you and AAG should both have open marriages and be together. ^_^

    I hope the therapy works out eventually, your wife has A LOT of issues that she needs to work on.

    (I’m actually studying to be a couples /family and sex therapist)

    Shay

  18. Wenchy says:

    I cannot believe you are still sane after reading that list.

    Yikes. I feel for you.

  19. Anonymous says:

    After reading the situation you are in, my life dosen’t seem so bad. It sounds to me like your wife has a problem with sex in the marriage, and I doubt there is anything you can do to change that. You may just have to face the fact that it is over between the two of you. Just think about it for a moment. If there was an accident, and your wife could no longer have sex with you, would the marriage be over? I have been married almost 30 years, so I know a little about married life. We have not always gotten long, and the sex is not always great, but we still love each other. Why don’t you try forgeting about the sex, and just love her for who she is; the mother of your children.

  20. wopanese says:

    Don’t know you at all and only came across this via a link from another blog. Won’t pretend to know the whole story but the plain fact is this, and I’m going to be blunt:

    She needs to get the f**k over whatever it is that has become her problem or the marriage is going to end. As it is, really, it seems over already. People often have some misconception that you are supposed to be different after you get married – the Wife Cut is a prime example of this. And this is also one of the main causes of divorce, at its root. Why? Because the two people act differently cause perhaps they think they HAVE to and thus they are no longer the 2 people who fell in love and decided to get married in the first place.
    And while sex is not necessarily the most important part of a marriage, it is the deepest sharing of intimacy 2 people can share, unless they somehow become telepathic and mind-meld or some such nonsense. And without intimacy? The relationship is, I’m sorry to say, dead or on its way.
    Being patient is fine for a while, but at some point you are going to have to confront her about this and either work it out, or come to an agreement about finding intimacy elsewhere.

    And not to be an evil bastard, but my last long term relationship went this same way… the causes were not direct but it led to what you describe. Our lack of intimacy led to her seeking it elsewhere… HER seeking it elsewhere when SHE kept denying it to me? How sensible is that? Well, never let it be said that people led by emotions make sense…. but I would consider the possibility that she has some sort of problem and it could be outside of your realm entirely.
    Be strong. If she won’t figure out what she is truly screwing up here or try to fix what she thinks YOU are screwing up, then someone else will see you as desirable and worthwhile. Trust me. Sometimes the horse won’t get up after all the beating…
    Best of luck in your future.

  21. I’m a little abashed to read not only your story but the comments from all these wonderfully good people here. You’re all such very good people. But the solution to this incredible mess is for Digger to find someone else and to get rid of this harridan as soon as he can. It’s not good for him or for the children. I think as soon as he finds a nice woman, a shapely woman, who loves sex and loves him and won’t let anything stand in the way of multiple orgasms, he’ll realize that he’s been an incredible sap to have stayed with this jackass he married. And, by the way, wouldn’t you like to see her cry over you, Digger? You might live to see the day if you leave her. I find there’s nothing sexier to a woman than a man who’s found another hot woman who’s better in bed and outside it.

  22. This post has been removed by the author.

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