Too Little Too Late?

11/07/2005

Monday

Bedroom Dancer has a list that is well worth reading, that may become quickly buried, her being a rather prolific writer, and all. While reading it, I found myself agreeing with all of it. However, on closer inspection, I find I'm not doing all of it, namely the communication bit. At least not directly. I do have a place where Arwyn can read my thoughts if she wants, but I don't pressure her to do it. But it is available if she has a mind to. The state of my dissatisfaction is described fully, although in real life I'm not pushing things.

The pair Not So Normal and Pretty Peanut have gone from hopeful recovery to almost instantaneous meltdown mode. NSN says he might not read what his wife wrote, but I think he should. While she is not happy, she's not especially bitter in her writing. My question to him would be "Is what she wrote pretty much the truth?"

It looks to me like he ambushed her with the seperation bit. They take a weekend getaway, have some hot sex and then he tells her he wants to seperate. WTF??? She's actually doing really, really well with this, if her writing is any indication. The gist of what she got from him is that her efforts to improve things over the past 2 months is too little, too late.

On one level, I can understand where he's coming from. I'm not sure how many years he's had to suffer, but the temptation to shuck the badness is enormous if there is something seemingly so much better waiting in the wings. He got a taste of some wanton lust and is ready to go after it in hopes of discovering true intimacy. He's experienced some chemistry, and it is calling and drawing him away. His wife, if she is still interested in him, will have to fight so much the harder.

However there is an extenuating circumstance, namely the fact that he has a daughter who needs a father. This is not something to be casually tossed aside. Again, I can understand some of his resentment since his daughter displaced him as Peanut's #1 priority for so long. I do understand how a man can come to resent his children when they seem to get ALL of his wife's best and he gets whatever is leftover, which is precious little. Oh yes, I know what this feels like all too well. And I have contemplated something akin to walking away, myself. I even had those thoughts written on my old blog, and it was my first experience with a blogging shitstorm. My readership was justifiably horrified. I knew at the time that I had no intention of leaving which certain segments of my audience still struggles with.

But even at my worst, I am committed to make every possible effort to make it work. I owe it to my kids to be able to look them in the eye and say "I did everything I could." NSN needs to take the responsible route. Keep the counseling session if it is scheduled, and make it as right as he can. It is a committment and a responsibility that needs to be taken seriously.

While I sympathize on many different levels, I find it difficult to understand such a seemingly abrupt move. It looks like something that was calculated, but at the same time feels impulsive. Of course, this assumes I'm reading everything correctly which may not be the case.

Such a sad state. NSN illustrates one option in dealing with the lack of intimacy. Namely, leaving. This is after the affair, which is a seperate option for those seeking relief. Then there's the rest of the guys who are still slogging it out, for good or ill.

I'm not sure which is better; To leave or to have an affair? Both may be bad choices, but what's the least of the two evils?

D.

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7 Responses to Too Little Too Late?

  1. To be honest, I think that he did calculate it. I think that he has been wanting to leave for a while. He just didn’t know how to do it.
    We don’t have an appt scheduled yet. We were supposed to talk about that over the weekend. That obviously didn’t happen.
    I’m not sure which I could deal with better….the emotional affair or leaving. I guess I should be glad they didn’t sleep together. Then we would be in a whole other ballgame.
    I just didn’t know it was so bad. I just didn’t realize. I guess I didn’t hear him….I listened, but didn’t hear.
    Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

  2. Rob says:

    “I’m not sure which is better; To leave or to have an affair? Both may be bad choices, but what’s the least of the two evils?”

    My answer: The 3rd evil, the one not mentioned – namely, just tough it out with the status quo. At least then no one else gets hurt by your actions, only yourself. Been there, done that.

  3. aphron says:

    When children are involved, one must do everything possible, even eating crap. Every action has a reaction like ripples in a pond. One may exchange one’s happiness for the happiness of others. I’m learning to be selfless. It is not something that comes easy for me.

  4. ~ anne says:

    in my opinion nsn gave up too easily, peanut recognized and accepted her part in the problems and has been working to change things. it takes the work of two to make things right, both have to want to change things.

    if nsn left to pursue this other woman without giving his family the benefit of trying to make things right he will come to regret it. it may take a while but it will happen. he really doesn’t even know this woman from what i can tell.

    it isn’t about the lesser of two evils, it is about commitment, family and at least making the attempt to do the right thing.

    ~anne

  5. Lizzie says:

    It’s been my experience that when one person is contemplating an affair, they start to look for excuses to stray. They start picking their partner apart and blaming them for their own temptations. First NSN makes pretty peanut feel like this is her fault and then when she steps up to the plate and tries to fix things, he says it’s too little too late?? Sounds like a big fat excuse to run off and have an affair to me. If NSN had been serious about fixing his marriage he would have jumped at PP’s enthusiasm to work on things together.

    I was sympathetic to NSN’s plight until this last weekend. After the way he treated his wife, I’ve lost all respect. It was cold, hurtful and mean. She is still protecting him but at some point she is going to get really angry and there will be no turning back. At some point in the near future, NSN is going to be sitting in a bar, alone, nursing a drink and wondering what the heck happened.

  6. BroccoliEater says:

    Least of two evils is to at least pick one of the two options. To my mind, doing them both in quick succession is just piling on the misery.

    In an ideal world, people who had decided it was time to move on to a new partner (assuming they were not in a polyamorous situation) would openly say “Okay, it’s time. I’m not willing to work on this and it’s only fair of me to let you know so you aren’t investing any more emotions in this relationship.”

    The other thing is: what is “so long?” What is “too long?” I remember reading something by one of those “always put your marriage first when you have kids” writers that acknowledged that there is a time, when your kids are small, when they necessarily must come first. It’s a short time, considered in the life of a long-term marriage, but there is a time when the care of babies and very small children is such a huge and overwhelming task, when they are so helpless and their needs so huge, that they take a disproportionate amount of both parent’s energies. But that time ends. It really does.

  7. emotional affairs at work

    Too Little Too Late? | Reality & Redemption

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