A Reader recently pointed me back towards the excellent site by Julia Grey and Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You. Anyone struggling with this issue should read her site. It’s big, but worth the read; all of it. It doesn’t make my blogroll simply because it isn’t updated much anymore. But Grey takes an honest look at the issue, without pulling punches. The message is often brutal, but she pulls it off well. A self-proclaimed former frigid wife, she covers almost every facet of why wives won’t have sex with their husbands. Her primary audience is men, but women may gain new insights, too.

One of the traps like guys fall into is that we tend to think that it is up to our wives to get off their dead asses and do something about the lack of intimacy in our marriage. Grey points out that the reality is that it is up to the person who registers the least amount of satisfaction to do something about it. The other person, in this case women, is not disatisfied enough to be moved to do anything. Also, by encouraging men to put in extra effort in the relationship, it empowers men rather than disenfranchises them by giving them things to do that might be constructive. But I still wonder why she doesn’t get off her dead ass and do something to bridge the gap. I do know that the day I quit being willing to do it is the day it is over for us.

In the list of reasons to stay, there is one additional one worth mentioning. 13 years ago, I was in a relationship where I had better sex and was generally treated better. When we had problems, we wrote each other and even read books about it together. It was just a better relationship. But back then, I wasn’t smart enough to know it or realize it. The decision to get out of that relationship was mine, and it was a dumb one. So now I’m paying a stupid tax. The reason for staying with Arwyn is to learn lessons I should have learned earlier. Arwyn is the professor emeritus of my PhD relationship program. The things I’m learning from her now will serve me later in this life or in the next. There is no one else who could teach me what she is teaching me about the finer points of relationship problems and family dysfuction. While other bloggers I read face identical conflicts, Arwyn is uniquely tailored to me and the lessons I need. Other women might have caved to my efforts or left me long ago. Not this one.

Sunday night, it looked like rainclouds were on the horizon. I actually went to bed same time as her, and she was laying down like she was napping, so I cuddled with her for a bit. Then she wanted to go out to the kitchen to discuss my youngest’s IEP. So we did that and went back to bed. This time, she was in her more typical inverted position with her blanket/rug. I decided to invert with her and cuddle some more. This was okay except she complained that my stomach dug into her back when I breathed and she had a sore back.

One of the costs of intermarital conflict, even one as passive aggressive as ours, is that children can pick up on it. And before you say that divorce would be preferable, consider the fact that divorce usually compounds the problem by adding poverty and displacement to the stresses in addition to the fact that marital conflict does not magically disappear with divorce unless one parent disappears. And then there are time conflicts resulting in decreased supervision of the children. I’m not amputating to treat a blister, even one as infected as ours.

So we are cuddling and our youngest is stirring around and crying out. Both of our boys do have periods sleep disturbances which I think can be partially attributed to living in a posture of perpetual insecurity. So this put an end to the cuddling. Arwyn was not sharing her rug/blanket very well, and it’s really too small for me. So I reverted back to a normal sleeping position, under covers and sheets with my feet at the foot of the bed, which is where Arwyn puts her head. The next morning, when she got up, I stretched and held out my arms. She either didn’t see me or ignored me. She jumped in the shower and I waited until she was out before I went into the bathroom. She was naked when I came in but quickly jumped into her panties and put on her bra.

Panties: not the greatest thing in the world, but right next to it.

I hugged and kissed her and she kissed me back a time or two and then stood there while I hugger her, kissing her neck and shoulders. She’s a bit skittish about having her neck kissed. She stood for a minute and then proceeded to jump into her pants and T-shirt and was out the door to begin the day.

Halloween marked day 65 in my drought. No tricks or treats here. We don’t do Halloween. Aside from Satanists making it one of their high holy days, neither Arwyn or I can see much redeeming value in it for us. Young children on the autistic spectrum have enough problems without having to deal with the confusion and chaos of costumes and candy. They usually get plenty from school, anyway. We do get a couple of pumpkins from the pumpkin patch which they both love playing with. I usually cook them around Thanksgiving, which is a better holiday anyway. Moving along…

Last night, after working late, I went and got groceries. I was home a little after 8, but Arwyn was already in bed. She did get up to get some food while I was making my baloney sandwiches and then went right back to bed.

No hugs or kisses this morning aside from the obligatory one before leaving for work.

So that should bring everything and everyone up to speed up to now. Just boring, mundane stuff. I wonder if Desperate Husband is feeling the heat? If I don’t get any before Thanksgiving, his 84 day record belongs to me! HAHAHAHA!


8 Responses to School

  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m still thinking you should come out and ask her point blank “Are you as unhappy in this marriage as I am?” and see what happens. Don’t add anything else. It’s time for her to buck up and start communicating. If she really wants this marriage, maybe she needs to know how failing it is for you.

  2. Katie says:

    I do like Julia’s site, I recommend it to all guys having issues with their wives and sex. While I don’t have any problems (I tend to go overboard the other way), it was still a good read for me to look out for the warning signs.

    At some point, you are seriously going to have to say enough is enough. You wouldn’t be hanging around if she was keeping food from you, would you? Have you tried counseling (a church minister, etc)? I don’t like people withholding sex from their spouses, it makes me mad. Which is why I will stop right here.

  3. Lizzie says:

    Great blog. Thank you for the link. She makes some really good points.

  4. I’ve got a running record of 1460 days without it. Yep, that’s 4 years. Try to “beat” that. I feel your pain.

  5. Digger Jones says:

    Jeez, Redhead! I’m not even in the same league as you! Uh, I think I would definitely be planning my own escape at the 1000 day mark. Providing there aren’t some major issues like health or something.

    Katie, with 5 kids, having a strong libido is simply amazing. Frankly I don’t believe it. I read all the stuff you do. Or maybe it’s just another way to over acheive.

  6. Katie says:

    Sex is the best way to unwind after a long day of “over achieving.” LOL

  7. Betty says:

    You know I posted an entry about how I didn’t understand why guys wouldn’t want monogamous sex, but reading your blog, its like wow, I don’t have problems. At least I have a cat to cuddle with. Its such a huge rejection when someone you are supposed to be intimate with isn’t intimate back. I don’t know how you do it.

  8. I have to be honest. I think that you do need to make her talk. I know that doesn’t mean much coming from me, but something does need to give. I know that now.
    I would hate for there to be further pain if something were to go wrong (like you/her seeking it somewhere else).
    I know of what I speak. 🙂
    I can say that I don’t think that we ever went more than a month with out it. I can say that we probably went a month a couple of times but no longer than that.
    I can’t even think of 4 years!! That’s crazy!!!–>

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