FTN has a good thing going at his place where he lays out many of the issues plagueing the physical side of his marriage. He invites people to comment and provide feedback and suggestions to his wife, with the promise that she will (eventually) respond. My hat is off to her if she follows through. It’s a rare thing for a LL person to really be open to this type of discussion, let alone a public forum like this one. Dewdrop is the only one who I know of who seems to articulate the full LL point of view. A cardinal characteristic of individuals with lower libidos is a reluctance to discuss the subject, which makes it almost impossible to solve or help the situation. So I always admire those who are courageous enough to come out and talk about it.
As a HL man, I can not give any advice as to her issues and what to do about them. FTN has access to some of the same material as me, such as the book Indended For Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat. I might also recommend Dillow’s book Intimate Issues which is written for and by women. Tim and Beverly LaHaye have also written on the subject in The Act of Marriage. All of the above are written for and by Christians. I have all of them, have read all of them and invited Arwyn to read them. And she has read exactly NONE of them. Yet she has lots of books about Autism and special GFCF diets and sensory integration that she reads. So one helpful bit is to read and absorb what your husband reads. Even if you disagree, it is helpful to have the same knowledge base. Double for reading what he writes. Having this sort of access to his thoughts is valuable beyond measure. Just don’t blow the opportunity by criticizing these thoughts. Co,pain about actions and behavior but not thoughts. I’ve never met a woman who felt good about having her feelings invalidated. But they do it to their husbands all the the time.
FTN alluded to Sexual Aversion and Sexual Anorexia as causing a dynamic where the partner is forced into a situation of involuntary celibacy. This can cause the partner to feel justified in engaging in pornography, masturbation and even to contemplate having affairs. And I am a poster child for what can happen if this is left to fester. I have gone in all of these directions plus added a few more on top of that. It isn’t just the sex, it is the witholding of the full range of intimacy.
For instance, let’s talk about the kissing. My wife is not a kisser. It is a major chore just to get the obligatory “hello” and “goodbye” kiss. If I’m lucky, these are the only kisses I get in the average day. And you can forget about anything involving the tongue. Ever. Her obligatory and “passionate” kisses are exactly the same. Kissing is one of the most intimate acts a couple can engage in with their clothes on. It is not a huge deal to steal a bit of passion while the kids are otherwise engaged. But a LL woman won’t do it, won’t even think of it and may even be disgusted by the idea.
All it takes is one enterprising woman, no matter the age, body shape or position. All she has to do is lay one passionate kiss on a guy and he could be hers for the taking. It’s that easy. And it’s the woman who will holler to high heaven about the guy cheating. Quite frankly, I’m going to say she had it coming. Not giving your man a passionate kiss now and then is akin to driving your car downtown and leaving the keys on the dash. You’re inviting someone to take it. Yes, it may be wrong to steal but if a body is going to be that stupid there should be a stupid tax to pay.
Alright, I know I have a sizable group of women reading me who are similarly deprived by their men. I say there should be a stupid tax on them, too, if they are not willing to make a half-assed effort to contend for their women. Now that I’ve given you HL women some airplay, is it okay to get on with my own screed, now?
We are seeing the classic scenerio being played out by Pretty Peanut. I need to get her and her husband, Not So Normal (NSN) on my blogroll, because it is a rare chance to see this firsthand. I only hope they can survive the bloodthirsty mob of an audience that is us.
NSN had an affair with another woman. He didn’t have sex with her, exactly, but did make out with her one time and established some pretty strong feelings towards the other woman. He also did have at least one sexual encounter with another guy. For some reason, Peanut has no problems with that one. But she has taken severe exception to his fooling around with the other woman. But preceding these encounters, she had withdrawn from NSN sexually, and there were issues as far as where they were intimacy-wise. In short, NSN became easy pickings for this other woman. Should he have done it? No. I’m not sure exactly how much effort he poured into recapturing intimacy with his wife before taking the bait that was offered. But it is clear that she more or less left him to his own devices, to where he was fending for himself. Now they have some trust issues. He’s unable to go anywhere or do anything without her worrying what he is doing and who he is doing it with. She wants to protect their relationship, which is admirable. But she is now operating out of fear and not out of love or concern, which is pretty much what he wanted in the first place. Until she reorients her efforts, it will cause problems. And she needs to put in some effort to close the intimacy gap.
Back to the important issues: my issues. Arwyn knows the efforts I have made. She knows I am unhappy. She has, in my view, left the keys on the dash. One good kiss might be all it takes, since it’s been over 10 years since I’ve had one.
My advice to FTN’s wife is to pursue this with all the intensity a body can muster. It will go a long way to keeping the family intact. It will save later grief such as Sweet Peanut has had to endure. Life is too short to give in to irrational fear and anxiety. If isolation is what a body feels they need, they should have thought of it before they got marred and certainly before whining about their husband paying attention to someone else.
Fortunately for Mrs. FTN, she has apparently chosen well. She is married to a kind, generous, loving man who is struggling to hold on to his integrity. He is determined and devoted. I can only imagine what sort of woman might be able to inspire qualities like that in a man.
I do want to issue a warning to couples who blog together in any way, shape or form. If the relationship is the subject, beware of the comments. And other blogs like mine. We don’t know you as well as you know each other. I write from my own experience and background. The Pretty Peanut/NSN and FTN storylines interest me because they are so similar to my own. They also interest me because we see two different ways of handling clashing libidos.
A good, long, passionate kiss would go a long way towards improving my views on things.