The Other Woman

October 1, 2005

It was a joke. Female hormones affecting judgement à Female President Bad idea — > horny male president bad idea –> Bill Clinton. Lot’s of sex = Bill Clinton. Little sex = G.H. Bush and G.W. Bush. Okay, have I sufficiently connected the dots that make up my erratic thinking? I’m confused and confusing.

I could use a nice young female intern about now.

Since March of this year, we’ve had intercourse exactly twice. Two handjobs, and one of those was the cockring affair. 4 sexual encounters in 6 months. Only two of those counted if you’re keeping score accoding to our esteemed ex-president’s rules.

The longest dry spell ever was back when she was pregnant with Elmo. She was on some form of bed rest almost from the moment of conception so about 10 1/2 months of absolutely nothing.

It isn’t just the sex., though. It’s the whole constellation of intimacy surrounding it. The other night I had both boys laying down with me and I was reading Curious George Goes to the Tran Station. She was leaving to go to the store. She hugged and kissed Thomas. She hugged and kissed Elmo…and walked away. I was stunned. I stopped reading in my astonishment. She came back and gave me a small peck and left.

Even the perfunctory ritual of hello and goodbye kisses is disappearing.

Where does a guy go when he is just about at rock bottom? Who can he turn to? Besides his Good Invisible Internet Friends, of course. There really is only one place to go. To the only one who knows him as well or better than his wife. The Other Woman. His mother. It sure as hell beats having an affair at this point. While you all have been nothing but supportive (most of you most of the time) I feel the need for more substantial support. Time for the big guns.

I’ve tried to get ask Arwyn how she might feel if our boys got married to someone like her. How would she feel about them being treated the way she is treating me? She really never gave me a straight answer except hoping they would marry someone caring who wouldn’t take advantage of them. She still thinks of them as disabled and is projecting that into the future 20 years.

I’m even thinking about giving Mom the URL to this place. She’s in reasonably good health so I’m fairly confident I wouldn’t cause too much or a stroke or heart attack with some of the stuff I have here. As long as she’s sitting while reading, there shouldn’t be too much damage from the concussion once she picks herself up off the floor. Her birthday is today, so maybe I should order her one of those emergency alerts: “Help! I’ve read my son’s blog and I can’t breathe!”

There’s been a bit of discussion around anonymous blogland; what if your spouse found out? But here is a new twist: what about your parents? The only one I know of engaged in somewhat risky writing whose parents (and boyfriend and bosses and co-workers) read her blog is Kristy, who has a list of the guys she’s slept with and a picture of her ass as well as lots of discussions about her drinking and dating life posted. She even gave the URL out on a job interview once. She’s a guilty pleasure of mine, even though it bears no relation to anything I write about except this post.

So what do you think, dear readers? Transport yourself to a time and place where your children are married. If you have girls, imagine mine being the blog of your son-in-law. What the hell kind of freak did your daughter marry? Or, if I’m your son, where did you go wrong?

Yes, I’m even entertaining sending out the URL to her mother. I’ve never said anything bad about my mother-in-law here and don’t have much bad to say at all. But that might be over the top, as she’s not in as good of health as my mother. Arwyn wouldn’t forgive me for her mother ending up in the hospital because of such foolishness. And her mother would definitely give Arwyn the link so that whole party would be over.

Fact is, I’m weary of the dirty little secret that is my married life. Arwyn can really put on a good show to family and friends during the limited time we spend with them.

Meanwhile, there’s no hurry to explore all those various options. I’m still thinking and deciding. If Arwyn bolts than that actually makes things easier. But we do have small kids to think about and that makes things more complicated in addition to being deep in the red.