Last night we all went to the Three Wishes concert downtown. One pleasant surprise was the opening act was Hootie and the Blowfish. They played their main hits and exited the stage to make room for Amy Grant. The downside was that it was a school night, and the boys were already tired by the time the thing started at eight. Plus I had to hoist Thomas up so he could see. The boy weighs around 70 pounds and by the end of the first hour I was tired! So was he. Since Arwyn met me downtown, I was able to take him home early. It wasn’t terribly loud, but loud enough that Thomas was covering his ears, mostly as the crowd erupted. He could scream with the best of them and had a good time but had enough by the 9. I took him home, gave him a quick bath and put him to bed. He was out in minutes. Arwyn stayed until the end, about 90 minutes later.
BTW, if these folks come to your town, I advise not wasting a lot of time standing in line to submit a wish. The televised wishes were picked by producers way in advance. Enjoy the concert and excitement.
Reading the various blogs about libidos has been instructive. I was the one who opined that there wasn’t enough input from LL women, and I appreciate the insight.
In Leela’s first post on the subject, she admitted that the idea of a woman not wanting to have sex with the man they claimed to love was a mystery to her. She echoed what most of the guys we read have been saying for quite some time. Lizzie and Wendy also give some insights on the topic from the point of view of ex-LL women. If there is hope to be gleaned, it is the fact that they are presently in recovery. Dewdrop still remains the most current, persistent and reliable member of the LL camp. Most LL women are simply not going to give much coverage to the topic of sex at all. Even in Dewdrop’s case, the sexual conflict and tension makes up only a portion of her content.
In my case, much of the advice given by these helpful friends has proven fruitless. The idea of the man romancing his wife with wine, roses, bubble baths, backrubs, doing more housework and listening unconditionally are all cliche. Granted, they may work in some cases, as such cliche’s have a grain of truth in them. But one needs only reverse the situation to see the absurdity of this approach. C-Marie’s situation is a case in point. Mowing the lawn, changing the oil, wearing sexy lingerie, walking around naked, giving backrubs, frontrubs and talking are getting her nowhere. The plight of a woman married to a LL man highlights the complexity of sexual aversion.
As if we need another example, remember the cage? Arwyn could have had every single thing on Leela’s list of suggestions unconditionally and without a wit of sexual pressure. I would have licked the bottom of her shoes if would have made her happy. The entire premise of the chastity experience is for the man to meet his wife’s needs and desires apart from sexual expectations. In fact, the expectations are that will be *no* sex unless the woman wants it. And the men into this kink absolutely love it.
But women don’t want what they say they want. They want the man to do their bidding, but wants it out of his innate desire to please her. He should do it because he loves her, not because of rewards, being locked in a cage or in exchange for sex.
The exact same thing men want; women who desire their mates out of love, not in exchange for housework, backrubs, money or because they threaten them with walking out or an affair.
What many women say is that they need to be relaxed in order to be intimate. She needs to NOT be tired, stressed and overworked. That is a myth. During the courtship phase, many women are jumping the bones of men they barely know, while maintaining a seperate household and holding a full-time job. They sacrifice sleep, food and whatever other luxuries a married woman says she has to have, in order to get the man’s attention and affection.
Spare me. They’ve simply gotten every bit as lazy as the men they are depriving, and shifted their priorities, same as the men who play a similar game with romance and courtship. Lazy and self-centered. As a man, I can admit my bit in it. Not many women can, tho. I’ve yet to see or hear a woman confess to laziness in romance. She’s working her ass off for all the worong things, getting bitter about the lack of support she’s getting from hubby when she has, in fact, alienated her most potent source of support and comfort.
I credit Phoenix and Leela’s success with some very clear expectations and communication, up front. Phoenix was extraordinarily wise in bypassing the typical bullshit pattern of the rest of us by spelling out what he expected outright. He said that he expected sex on a daily basis and backed it up with a factual admission that there might be consequences if this couldn’t be maintained. It wasn’t an ultimatum, because at that moment Leela had the option of walking away. She didn’t have to accept these terms and a different woman would not have. Another woman might have tried to get him to compromise. Or maybe taken him up on it without delivering and hope he wouldn’t stick to his guns. In anycase, his honesty was rewarded with her honesty. And I don’t hear many regrets coming from her, compared to other female bloggers. It works and apparently works well. Whatever else happens, at least there is no game playing in that regard. They were and are both being smart and realistic. And loving. Her latest really hit it good.
This business of trying to woo the wife back; I’m inspired by those for whom this has worked. But in almost everycase it apparently was the woman who had the change of heart. The man’s perseverance certainly was a key factor. It was necessary but not sufficient. At some point, the LL woman woke up and turned herself around. A man’s capacity to change a woman’s mind is severely limited. We can try to entice, cajole, threaten or whatever, but if she is unwilling it isn’t going to happen.
This is the reality I’m currently facing. Will Arwyn *ever* turn around? Will she ever see what other women have realized? Or will I be too old to function by that time?
Keeping faith is difficult.