Back in the Tent
Arwyn is jealous. “Of who?” you might ask.
She has no idea of who you are, but there is an awareness that my time and mind are spent elsewhere. She sees me reading my PDA and occasionally writing on it. My time on the computer isn’t as much because I can copy and paste my favorite reads onto my flash card fairly quickly and then read when and where I want. She has, in fact, come to richly dislike this thing.
Can’t blame her. Much. I mean this is where I go to vent, to share, to complain and to generally hobnob with a virtual playgroup. I vent my heart here and sometimes my spleen. You have all been mostly supportive. Afterall, you generally do the same thing. So there is a sort of intimate reciprocity in this place that I simply have not been able to find in my own house. If it were available, I would seek it there. In fact, much of this blog has been devoted to my attempts at getting it. But my strength and my will fail me.
The subtheme of the cage was one such attempt. As time goes on, a gulf seperates Arwyn and I. It gets deeper and wider as time goes on. The wider the chasm, the more frightening the prospect of swimming, bridging or jumping it becomes. The obstacle becomes too formidible. The cage provided the energy boost and the imperative I needed to get to the other side. As Satan once put it, I got so jizzed up, that I would do anything. And she is also the one to point out that without me making an effort, it was not going to happen. Arwyn has yet to reach out to me in trying to traverse these obstacles. Sometimes she hides behind them. Getting jizzed up enough turned me into some sort of relational Incredible Hulk, bashing down these barriers. “Don’t make me horny. You won’t like it if you make me horny!”LOL!
So there is no meeting half-way, here. Unless I am willing to carry the load (figuratively and literally) and go the entire distance, things only deteriorate further. And, yes, it does have an adverse effect on the boys.
This morning, she said it would be okay if our oldest camped out with me. He was So looking forward to it, and so was I. He only quit talking about it sometime early afternoon. So, Arwyn gave the boys their baths, and then proceeded to put them to bed. Huh? I reminded her that we had planned on camping out and she said no, with an obscene amount of hostility in her voice. As she made herself a bowl of cereal, I persued her, asking her what the deal was. She was mad at me about several things, among them not spending enough time with the boys.
“So you’re mad at me about not spending enough time with them, so when I want to spend time with them, you’ll say no.;
“Yeah, something like that.”
Her other greivance happens to be that I haven’t applied to the Three Wishes people. Yeah. She pointed out that I should do it because I’m the better writer. Maybe so, but there is some inborn objection I have to her pimping out my writing ability. Maybe that is totally silly.
Alright, I’ll give it a shot. But she may not like it. But Hollywood might.