Control Theory

09/22/2005

Thursday

I often get helpful suggestions and advice and always gain new insight from comments. A couple are standouts.

Dewdrop is a perennial favorite because I believe she represents a vastly under-represented population of LL women in the world of blogging. There are a fair number of ex-LL women about, and there is some hope to be gleaned there. But as Lizzie pointed out, if a woman is LL she is not going to think much about sex much, let alone write about it. But IF a LL person were to write about it, it would be in a similar vain as Dewdrop’s.

I asked what a LL wife expects her HL husband to do. Dewdrop said what I think a lot of women would say: wank it off and leave me alone! And I think that is a fair statement given the fact that LL people do not like to be bothered with sex and it is easier to pretend that it doesn’t exist if the HL partner isn’t pestering them all the time. And with almost any other activity, while it might be a problem, it isn’t a deal breaker. Confused Husband might like it if his wife went duck hunting with him, but he finds others who share his interest to go. K‘s boyfriend isn’t particularly into knitting, so she knits with other friends. Or they each hunt or knit alone. Not a problem, right? I’m sure you can see where I’m going.

If I don’t want to have sex alone and my chosen mate doesn’t care for it, why on earth do the LL’s howl bloody murder when a spouse decides to find or hire someone more willing? Would a sex surrogate be satisfactory? Then the HL no longer pesters you, and you can live virtually sex-free. That’s one less chore, one less worry, one less bit of pressure and one less bother. You can have all your sleep, an occasional kiss or cuddle, but the sex part is taken care of. No muss no fuss. Wouldn’t you sleep better at night knowing your chosen mate was being taken care of and being made happy and content? Wouldn’t it be better to know they were getting a primary need met, and you didn’t have to give up any sleep or leisure for it? You get to have your cake and eat it, too! You can have a supportive husband, but without the dreary responsibility of having sex with him.

One reason why this becomes unacceptable in such a marriage is that the balance of power would shift significantly away from the LL spouse. The LL always controls the sexual agenda. The sort, the frequency, the duration and the setting. Everything is dictated by the one with the most hangups and problems. In a severely CL relationship, this is a real issue. If the man decides to go elsewhere, now the LL woman has NO control.

I’m thinking control is a root of the problem. It follows the anorexic paradigm, where control is most often a primary issue. Just my thought at the moment.

Solo sex sows resentment, especially if it is an involuntary condition. I’d rather share intimacy with someone besides myself. And I do see intimacy and sex as being intertwined, at least for me.

D.

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12 Responses to Control Theory

  1. C-Marie says:

    I totally agree with the control issue… even in my case the frequency, duration, and how it transpires is all in JM’s control. We play by his unpsoken set of rules.
    Finding a sex surrogate seems to be the perfect solution for both parties – BUT, it will never be widely accepted, especially from the spouse and you get to go thru life as an adulterer with a nice big pile of legal issues at your cost.
    I guess it’s safer to wank off….

  2. Square1 says:

    There’s more to it than control too though Digger. Inevitablywhen you start having a sexual relationship with another woman, she begins to want the rest of the relationship too. It’s in our make up, and after a time if she’s charmed you away from your wife in one fashion, it’s not hard for her to start turning your ear to the, “Why do you stay with her? I could make you so happy…” and logic for you would say, “Well I already know she provides fantastic sex, why compartimentalize?” That sense of security that you provide Arwyn as the righteous partner in this relationship would be nullified. Sex to us is about love. You can’t love me if you’re having sex with someone else, at least that’s the lines we think along.

    Plus I’m sure you’re right about the control factor a bit.

  3. Lizzie says:

    Ahhh Digger you’re speaking my language. I’m a firm believer that just about everything in life comes down to CONTROL. Sometimes you have to peel back all of the layers but it’s down there. Man fights the daily struggle for control over his environment, comfort, food supply, status in society and access to sex.

  4. Dewdrop says:

    Control? Personally I don’t think so, at least not in my case. Maybe I’m wrong and I’m not aware? Maybe in some cases it is a control issue. Who can really say, though? I certainly don’t want and can well do without that kind of control. It’s about wants and needs and compromise to me. I have no wish at all to control Hubs. For goodness sake he’s an adult. If he wants to have sex with another woman, well go, but I won’t be here when he gets back (if I know about it lol). In fact it works both ways – a HL can have a control issue too – pressurising the LL into sex. A sexual surrogate? In an ideal world, yes, but actually how many marriages could stand that sort of thing? Would it really fix, or make things a lot worse? How would you feel if your partner chose to sleep with another man because she thought you were crap in bed, or you didn’t want to sleep with her for some reason? Would you let her, because afterall it’s only sex, aye? I guess you’ve never spoken to your wife about a surrogate sexual partner? Turn the tables. It’s not easy and it’s not simple (stating the bleedin’ obvious here hehe).

  5. To quote square1 “Sex to us is about love. You can’t love me if you’re having sex with someone else, at least that’s the lines we think along” Lokking at it from my perspective- Sex to me is about love. You can’t love me if your not having sex with me.
    Now I’m not complaining about my sex life. Our libidos do clash on occaision. But it does get frustrating when I’m not trying to make any advances on my wife, I’m just trying to hold her before I go to sleep and she is turning me down. (I can’t sleep unless I hold her for about 30 minutes.) Now do I wish we had sex more often YES I’M A MAN! But I’m happy with what I’ve got. And solo just makes me feel like I’m cheating on her. So the surogate definately won’t work. I do like your train of thought though Digger.
    As to the duck hunting before our youngest son was born she used to go with me 3-4 times a year. She would just go to sit in the blind with me. It’s been5 years since she has gone with me. She was actually upset when she got pregnant because she new that she would not be going with me untill he got older. That was the year our older son started going with me into the field.
    CH

  6. Rob says:

    Control? Yes, most definitely. Subconciously we all want our lives to go as well as we would prefer them to go. To do that effectively however we have choices. We can *try* to control others around us (either at work or at home), with mixed results; or we can try to control ourselves, over which only we have total control. How we react to our own situations is the key thing. If we make choices for ourselves, but forget how these affect others, then we have to live with the results, be they good or bad. As the old saying goes: be careful what you wish for because you may well get it (but it may not be ultimately what you expected)

  7. Square1 says:

    Confused Husband I completely agree. It’s hard to believe someone really loves you when they are not even trying to meet your needs. However in that particular instance most women do not see sex as a need for their men or for themselves, but they do see affection and security as necessity, so they assume that a man really needs that above all too. Many women refuse to accept or believe that sex is one of a man’s greatest needs.

  8. Digger Jones says:

    This is a persistent pattern, Square. Where the man’s needs are trivialized and minimized, being subserviant to hers.

    D.

  9. Square1 says:

    It’s not necessarily trivialized or minimized as much as it’s just not understood… It comes from ignorance not manipulation in most cases.

    And it’s not always the pattern… there are women out there consistenly meeting their husbands needs, and not having their needs met too. It’s on both sides of the fence and it’s sheer ignorance.

  10. FTN says:

    For some people, it is not just about sex and “getting a need met.” I personally want to be wanted by my wife. I want to be sexually desired in the way that I desire her. I wouldn’t want to have sex with a begrudging partner. I much prefer having sex with my wife when I feel as though she wants to have sex with me.

  11. I agree with you Digger about the control aspect. My wife and I have very mismatched libidos and she’s always the one calling the shots. It’s been like that since day 4 of our marriage. I think it was a bit of a novelty for the first 3… But yes – “frequency, duration and how it transpires” are all her domain, and if I object I’m in for a corker of an argument.

    I’m also in agreement with ftn’s comment: I want to be wanted. For me, physical affection and intimacy are how I naturally show/feel love. It’s that whole “The 5 love languages” thing (it’s a great book if you haven’t read it). Anyway, I’m a physical person. However, my wife doesn’t want me in that way at all. She’s happy to begrudgingly afford me an ocassional “roll in the hay”, as long as I understand that she really doesn’t want to, and that she shouldn’t have to put in any effort. For me, I’d really love for her to take an attitude of “While I don’t necissarily love having sex, I do love you, and so I’ll do the best I can in this area of our relationship” (which is how I am about her needs…), but what I get is “*sigh*… alright….” along with the occasional “get on with it”. When she’s like that, I’d say “actually, no thanks” but that’s worse, because then she gets huffy, and it all ends in arguments anyway. What do you do? There’s no way out of the mess.

    Digger – the stuff I’ve read so far on your blog reminds me so much of my own marriage that I’m really hoping that you guys reach a place where you’re happy, because if you don’t, I don’t know what hope there is for me! I’ll be reading your blog, and praying for you and your family!

  12. C-Marie says:

    FTN nailed it – I wanted to be wanted and desired by my spouse!
    It’s not always about just getting laid.

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