Adult Activity

09/21/2005

Wednesday

While I keep my blogroll comparatively small, I have a list of bookmarks made up of 30-40 different blogs. Many of them commentors here, but some I’ve just discovered. It seems it takes that many just to generate a steady stream of reading. I’ve been struggling to keep mine moving along, as my story isn’t really going anywhere. I think I’m at 25 or so days since there was any physical intimacy around here, still a far cry from the 60 or so days
Desperate Husband has had to endure.

Last night, I decided to skip my computer activities in favor of going to bed earlier, thinking that might spark some activity of a reciprocal and adult nature. And it did…sort of.

That activity consisted of talking. For 2 hours we talked. She talked, mostly.When Arwyn talks, it is almost always about one subject. The boys. I guess that’s two subjects, if you count them seperately. But the subject, globally, consists of all her worries and concerns about them as well as recounting conversations with other people about them. If this is the extant of a typical SAHM conversational repertoire, I’m not surprised they struggle with depression.

I love my kids, and they are often a good, rich source of entertainment. However, there is just a lot more going on in the world. Maybe not her world, but that also makes for a boring conversation when one person dominates. All the time. Often she asks for my input, but I don’t often feels she takes it very seriously.

In anycase, we spent 2 hours talking, and then kissed and hugged for a good 90 seconds. Then she rolled over and went to sleep. I rolled over and relieved my own tension right there.

Sigh.

That’s the problem with this masturbation business. We’ve discussed it before, in the context of the cage, and she appeared not to have much of a problem with it. Apparently letting me service myself is preferable to her having the responsibility. And she has exhibited extreme reluctance to have any involvement in the chastity play.

Unfortunately, my LL readership is extraordinarily low. Otherwise, I’d like to know what they expect their partners to do in the meantime.

I think I’d like to have a partner who appeared to be jealous of me taking care of myself. Who would be okay holding my keys and letting me out when/if she wanted. Somebody who cared.

This is one reason why I blog. I can vent my frustration but also occasionally get a comment or two that offers some insight. This is also why I like reading others, as they offer increasing levels of insight. Support is also valuable, and is offered readily in this medium moreso than other places. Reading the stories of other guys going through this sort of mess lets me know I’m not alone, which is a support of a different sort.

D.

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10 Responses to Adult Activity

  1. Lizzie says:

    I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you seeing as I was a LL for many years. My excuse was that I just didn’t feel like it. There was no arousal, no ideas popping into my head during the day about sex. It was truly the last thing on my mind. The only time I got aroused was if I gave in and let my husband start foreplay. Usually, after about ten minutes of foreplay, I’d be good to go. But usually I would crawl into bed SO tired, and with my mind racing between work issues and the kids, that I just couldn’t let go. The other problem was that I didn’t even want to cuddle with my husband at night because I was afraid to lead him on. It was too hard to snuggle up and then want it to end there. And every time he would reach for me, I would cringe and think “here we go, now I’m going to have to say no”. It got to where we were even touching each other anymore.

    I did start to notice that if we went away for a few days; just the two of us; my libido would return. That’s when I started putting 2 and 2 together and realized that I wasn’t relaxed enough to enjoy sex at home.

    It took a lot of work to overcome all of this. Sorry, I know this reply is getting long. But basically, my husband started giving me gentle massages at bedtime …. without the expectation of sex. And he also started to just hold me …. again without the expectation of sex. He really backed off for awhile and I started to relax. Finally, the massages and the cuddling started turning me on and we got to having more and better sex. I hope this helps.

  2. Soledad says:

    I don’t have a blog, but I’m a regular reader. I don’t understand WHY you’re staying with your wife – who obviously seems to be rather repulsed by you. I’m guessing that it’s because you want to keep your family intact. That being said, sometimes being intact isn’t in the best interest of the family.

  3. ~ anne says:

    i think i know why you stay with your wife, you genuinely love her and aren’t ready or willing to quit, you’re a fighter and despite it all you haven’t given up. i salute you for that, for that love that you obviously have for arwyn and for suffering the consequences of the ll spouse. i have read many folks that say they went through phases like this and have come through it together. that’s my hope for you and arwyn.

    thinking of you

    ~anne

  4. DH says:

    You know you’ve got a commiserator in this blogger, Diggs.

    Hang in there man.

    (And you were dead on with your estimate…today is the 60th day for me.)

    Keep on keepin’ on.

  5. Dewdrop says:

    “Unfortunately, my LL readership is extraordinarily low. Otherwise, I’d like to know what they expect their partners to do in the meantime”. I’m going to answer you and I’m probably letting myself in for a total backlash of aggro’ on this one, but the plain truth is, and I only speak for myself here maybe – not all LL people – we’d prefer you just masturbate and leave us alone. Not the answer you wanted. But that’s it. It doesn’t sound at all like she is willing to compromise (I try to in my marriage), and it sounds like you have far, far more patience than my husband (who has very little patience where refusal of sex is concerned).

  6. Square1 says:

    Digger I’ve recently picked up a book by James Dobson. I know people have varying opinnions on the man. Personally I’ll listen to him before I will Dr. Phil, but all that aside at Crossings Book Club they’er actually selling two books together. One is Seven Solutions For Burnt out Parents and it comes with Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy. I haven’t read any of the latter yet. But I have started on the Burnt out Parent book. You mentioned a woman who’s world only consists of the children being boring and understanding why they would be prone to depression. It’s also one of the stages of burn-out. She needs to get AWAY from the children for a while. You’ve got to get her unwrapped from identifying herself solely by her ROLE as a mother. I bet if you ask her who she is she will say, “I’m boy A & B’s mother.” That’s WHAT she is not WHO she is. She needs to be reminded of WHO she is

  7. C-Marie says:

    Maybe you and Arwyn can plan date nights… take her out, get away from the routines of the household, make her realize she is MORE than just a mother. Just my thoughts…

  8. Dusty says:

    Maybe encouraging your wife to get a job would actually be a good thing. It could provide her with a new interest in life, it could make her a more interesting person, it could give her something to talk about other than the boys, it could make her actually feel *good* about herself, and correspondingly, it could make her more interested in exploring her sexual side.

    It sounds as though you’re putting debt concerns ahead of her well-being. Having a job can boost a person’s self-esteem in all kinds of ways. So if she’s expressed an interest in getting a job, it could also be in *your* best interest to support that.

  9. ” I don’t understand WHY you’re staying with your wife”
    I know that I can’t answer for Digger but to me there is more to a marriage than just sex. If my wife stopped having sex with me it would take a few years of no sex to make me think about leaving her. Sex is NOT the only reason people get married. There is more to life (and marriage) than just sex.

  10. Tam says:

    I had to go 8 months while my wife was pregnant…so 60 days (2 months?) is not much…not that I liked it but being in a similar situation what choice did I have…?

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