A Fond Farewell

09/14/2005

Wednesday

Another One Bites the Dust

Trying to keep an inact and interesting blogroll is almost as much of a job as creating a daily entry. Mine is like a bugzapper, where they get on for awhile and then ZAP! My one consolation is that plenty of others share my burden. Of course I had zapped my own blog once, so I’ve been as much a perpetrator as a victim.

Jay All the Time is the latest casualty. More is the pity, since I was really, really looking forward to a review of his Retrouville experience. I would have gleened some terribly useful insight from who I consider a reliable source. Apparently the only resolution arrived over the weekend was she wanted him to take down his blog. He at least graced his audience with a fond farewell. I’m hoping we’ll see him back in some way and form.

In Jay’s former blog, Jay Loves Kitti, readers got a chance to have an upfront, close and personal look at a marriage cascading towards crisis. In so many ways, I could identify with them as Kitti’s POV seemed to match Arwyn’s all over. The fact that Kitti, herself, wrote the things she did made the old blog a gripping read for me as well as a lot of other people. While many of the things Jay has written may seem hurtful to Kitti, it was her own entries that turned the readership against her. While Jay was constantly trying to put a positive spin on things (sometimes to annoying distraction), Kitti often absolutely pounded and gutted him with some of the things she wrote. She wrote well, and she wrote uber honestly. I so admired Jay’s determination and grit in persevering with this woman who has seemingly completely given up on her marriage. She put at least one personal ad up on a site for cheaters, which caused quite a shitstorm over there. Jay, while very hurt by that, has hung on for dear life. If the Retrouville bit fails, I fear this will be the swan song for more than Jay’s blog. In fact, him taking down the blog at her request is a measure of his devotion and reflects a pretty consistent pattern for them. She makes a request/demand, he does it in good faith. She, however to my knowledge, never promised to honor his request for her to not cheat. She never admits she is wrong. She has refused to take responsibility for her part in the marriage meltdown. She has done very little to maintain, much less improve it. He has read Relationship Rescue and as far as I can tell, she has not touched it. He has been going to counseling, but she has refused saying she’s not the one with the problem. He registered them for Retrouville, and I think he was fortunate that she even went. If she follows through with whatever exercises, I’d consider it miraculous. I hope, for him and their two small children’s sakes that this happens.

There are many parallels betwixt Jay’s story and my own and for that reason he will be sorely missed. I derrived a lot of inspiration from his story and his struggle. It was difficult to read at times, but very instructive. Both he and Kitti were first rate writers.

Last I checked, Jay had disabled his comments on his blog. So, I’ll say it here, hoping he finds it: Good luck, Jay. You’ll be missed and hope to see you ’round sometime. Good luck to Kitti, too. Hopefully this search of hers will end up where she needs to be.

Keep the faith, Jay.

D.

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12 Responses to A Fond Farewell

  1. Rob says:

    We’ll all miss Jay’s blog but hopefully we’ll still see him popping into this blog, along with those of his other blog friends, to post his comments from time to time.

  2. Square1 says:

    I will miss them too. I hope and pray for the best for both of them.

  3. Lizzie says:

    I’m also sad to see Jay leave. His blog was the first blog to catch my interest and was the inspiration for me to start one of my own. I have had a feeling, for quite some time now, that Kitty is or has had an affair. Her reluctance to put any work in the marriage reminds me of “R” from Chris’s blog “Return to Happiness”. I hope I’m wrong and I wish Jay all the best. It would be great if he could somehow keep in touch with all of us by commenting on our blogs.

  4. Leela Lamore says:

    It was with sadness that I saw Jay’s farewell. To be honest although a surprise it was to be expected. I am sure the last thing Kitty wanted to see was that Jay was not her little puppy dog. Once she started reading JFS I could see the writing was on the wall.

  5. Dewdrop says:

    I wish the very best for Kitti and Jay. It’s always sad when a blogger shuts down a blog you read regularly and I’ll miss them.

  6. C-Marie says:

    As sad as it seems that he chose to shut it down – it somehow was sensed to come sooner or later. I wish them the best and hope it all works out.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Gee, it’s not like he died or anything. He did leave an email address so if you want to hear about Retrouvaille you could always send an email.

    Although the posts are gone, I never saw anything that suggested Kitti HADN’T read Dr. Phil or that she didn’t promise to give Retrouvaille a complete, honest effort. In fact she did make a post where she promised to do both.

    Anon

  8. morgen z says:

    goodbye and good luck jay! i too hope to see you again somewhere in blogland.

    digger- do you have an e-mail address?

    mz

  9. Satan says:

    “Gee, it’s not like he died or anything.”

    Well, he kind of did! Taking down a blog is certainly cutting off a certain identity and all that goes with it.

    When this page loaded, all I saw was “A Fond Farewell” and the first thought in my mind was “Digger . . nooooooooo!”

    People just shouldn’t be allowed to have such interesting blogs and then just take them down without even crumbs to throw to the peanut gallery!

  10. Anonymous says:

    As someone whose husband didn’t have an affair, but chose to “work things out” by bitching about me to a friend who urged him on in the “you’re completely right, she’s totally wrong, why doesn’t she just snap out of it and get over losing the baby its not like the end of the world or anything”…..

    I think that if he really is serious about fixing their marriage, the time he spent blogging to others about it is time better spent communicating with his wife.

    Which is something I think that many of his friends and commentators tried to tell him. Yes, everyone needs their own friends and own place to vent. But channelling so much energy into that outlet can be very disruptive to the marriage and hurtful to the other party.

    Now, it may happen that after an honest attempt at real communication, the marriage is unfixable. But it sounds like he needs to find that out through his own work.

    lurker

  11. Digger,

    I appreciate the support but this post misstated facts and presumed things that just aren’t true. Of course the blogs aren’t there for you to accurately quote so I’ll give you some latitude. Your post comes across as mean to Kitti though and this sort of thing is the reason that I’ve eliminated my solo blog along with our joint blog.

    Lurker is right. Although I’m already suffering blogging withdrawl it is important for my wife and me to focus on communicating with each other and not drum up outside support for entrenched positions.

    Retrouvaille wasn’t all sunshine and dasies but we did learn some good communication tools AND we’re only one weekend into a three month program. We BOTH worked hard from 8-11pm Friday, 6:30am-11:00pm Saturday, and 7:00am-5:30pm Sunday. It was greuling but it’s just a start.

    If you want to keep in touch feel free to email me. For now I’m still using jayallthetime@yahoo.com

    (BTW- I made the first anonymous comment up above- “It’s not like he died…”)

    Jay

  12. A reader says:

    Ahh I LOVE your blanket statements, Digger.

    Jay and Kitti are as similar a couple as you and Arwyn, in the fact that the four of you are human, nothing more. I don’t see any similarity between Arwyn and Kitti–maybe just misplaced anger (?) on your part.

    I seem to recall a commentor on your recent protaste problems warning you of this behavior – showing a lot of anger on your wife (or seeming to) or blaming her for the problem (and while you can lay a lot at her feet, I don’t think your prostate is the place to start).

    Anyways, I wish both Jay & Kitti, and Digger & Arwyn the best in making their relationships better.

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