I caught a bit of an interview last night with Danny Bonaduce and his wife, discussing some of hiis marital woes. They were discussing Danny’s affair.
Wife: I really had no warning about it. I had no idea.
Danny: Oh really? You don’t remember having a conversation with me saying “Somebody needs to start having sex with me around here!”?
Wife: Well, you were getting exactly what you deserved, since you weren’t treating me with any respect, and in hindsight you got what you deserved since you were willing to cheat.
His wife is an attractive, intelligent woman but I couldn’t help but feel she was being naive, at best. She’s married to a celebrity and their 15 year marriage is a rarity by most standards and a miracle by Hollywood standards. They have two young girls which he did call very important to him. But his celebrity status means he is going to have ample opportunities should he want to. She was dismissing his needs to the point of not even remembering when he had voiced them. His well-known jaded past should have tipped her off.
In fact, they got married about 7 hours into their first date. He was drunked up, making out with her and was pushing for more. She backed off, saying she was a Christian and wanted to save herself for marriage. They happened to be in Las Vegas so Danny found a minister and they were married right then and there. Next morning, he couldn’t even remember her name. “Who are you?” he asked.
“Mrs. Bonaduce!” she spat back.
Did I mention I thought she was naive?
While he wasn’t getting any sex because of his poor behavior, his track record should have given her some clue.
Leela Lamore’s blog is full of thoughtful posts to the point of earning a long-overdue spot on my blogroll. I’ve had her bookmarked for quite some time. She drew a considerable amount of fire for her confession of her pact with her husband concerning his expectation of daily sex. I think Phoenix had it right in making this expectation explicit right up front. Leela could have walked away right then and there. But she didn’t. Phoenix made known what his deal-breaker was, same as many (women) who will list similar expectations and requirements: must love children, must love pets, no drugs, no smoking, must be a certain religion, must be a certain height, must be financially secure, and the list goes on. In my last post, the Lioness also made her expectaion of daily sex pretty explicit. The other women cited the more vague notion of “romance.” Who has a better shot of getting their needs met?
Having explicit expectations is less manipulative than simply assuming the other person will take care of your needs because they love you and care for you. “Love honor and cherish” are extraordinarily subjective especially when it comes to day-to-day living. “Forsaking all others as long as we both shall live.” seems to be the clearest line, or the one that gets the most airplay in situations like the Bonaduce’s. Yeah, he screwed up. He admits it. But she can not or will not admit to having anything at all to do with it. “Forsaking all others” implies that there is one who will NOT be forsaken. But in the case of some, it becomes “Forsaking all.” Or the hapless spouse joins the list of the forsaken, replaced by another lover, a hobby, sports, chores, children or some other diversion.