Engagement vs Detachment

09/06/2005

Tuesday

Not much action on the home front. Having a life of zero sex just isn’t as much fun without a chastity cage, you know? And then getting a prostate infection the day after having sex after waiting about 3 months, well it’s pretty tough to top that drama.

Truth is, I simply haven’t troubled myself to move my story along. When I do, you’ll want to be sure to be tuned in because things tend to cascade once motion is started. I’ve just been recuperating and rebuilding my strength to make a more determined push. A push towards what, I have no idea.

So, maybe a review of some of my favorite blogs is in order. Trouble is, those listed in my blogroll have been slow, lately. Square1 and Dewdrop seem to hold the most excitement, lately. Actually, Square’s blog has become a pretty hot place, and not always in a good way. Actually, it’s always good for the readers, less so for her and Cubed.

Couples tend to fall into 3 general areas as far as conflict resolution styles. There are the compromisers, who struggle and wangle until they come to a mutual agreement. They are very much engaged in problem solving but aren’t terribly passionate about it. But they do confront each other. This is in contrast to those that are conflict avoiders. Arwyn and I fall into that category. We would generally rather not confront each other on everything. This appears to be inferior to the compromiser, but in fact has equal validity as far as successful marriages. The problem with Arwyn and I is that I’m not very happy with that style and would like to compromise more. If we both agreed on the same style, we’d be better off. I’ve tried her style and I don’t like it.

With Square and Cubed we see a third style best described as volatile. Sparks seemingly always fly between these two and sometimes fires are started. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. The point is that these two are VERY much engaged with each other, as opposed to Arwyn and I who are quite detached. Walk by our house in the middle of a crisis or a fight and you’ll hear stony silence. If things get really intense around here, you might hear the vacuum cleaner and/or the lawn mower as we tend our respective areas. We don’t yell, we don’t throw things and we might not even talk.

Walking by the house of the Nth Powers during a fight and you might likely think you’d arrived at WWF smackdown. Screaming, yelling, doors slamming, cursing, things flying around. This looks like a much less healthy way of behaving, until one understands the cycle of this sort of engagement. Basically the storm comes, blows everything to smithereens and the the couple comes back together, repairs the damage and cleans up the mess. I would not say this is inferior at all. I would call it different and somewhat unconventional, but it can work. The reason why I even envy it a bit is because of the engagement involved, even while they say hurtful things to each other. They can come back together with equal passion.

Sex between Arwyn and I strongly resembles our fighting. Infrequent, not much noise, not a lot of variety and not a lot of passion. I would suspect the loving activities of the Nth Power household bear some resemblance to their fighting style. At the very least, in the level of passion expressed most times.

I have taken a stance during parts of my current relationship campaign, where is Arwyn wasn’t up for loving, I’d go ahead and engage her in a fight. It’s happened more than once where she gets defensive and says “I don’t want to fight!”

My reply is simply, “I’d rather love than fight, but if it’s fight or nothing, I think I’ll go for the fight.” It doesn’t go over very smoothly, but that’s been my policy for awhile. However, much of the time we both are simply not engaged with each other at all and much of the time I’m okay with it.

Okay, I’ll see what I can do to move things along. We really are due for a fight of some sort. I’ll see if I can provoke one so you guys can have something entertaining to read about tomorrow.

D.

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8 Responses to Engagement vs Detachment

  1. steff says:

    I can’t see how a screaming, throwing, kicking and scratching kind of fight can in any way be good with children around. If there are no kids, and you want to be a volatile loose cannon, then fine. But children follow what they see and in no way is a loud screaming match between their parents what they need to see, hear, or follow.

    Just my opinion

  2. Square1 says:

    Steff, exactly the reason I am trying so hard to get some personal problems under wraps, and the reason we are coming down to an ultimatum of “things have to change… yesterday”. I prefer a middle ground. Hubs came from a background where his dad threw a fit and always got his way. I came from a background of nothing but fighting and abuse. We’re both trying to learn a better way.

  3. C-Marie says:

    Most of the blogs I read have been slow as well, including my own. Not to say that I don’t have anything to post, it’s simply finding the passion to do it. It has been somewhat disheartening in sorting out my thoughts in how to write it and for now, I feel it’s best kept to myself until I really understand what it is I am feeling these days. As I sort it all out my blog will also take a life of its own. Something I might be a little afraid of…..

  4. Square1 says:

    P.S. Digger… I do not reccomend poking the bears just for your viewers entertainment. That sounds like a bad policy all the way around.

  5. ~ anne says:

    i have to agree with square1 here, don’t provoke just to have something to share or for our entertainment.

    ~anne

  6. I guess My wifde and I fall in the middle. I go the route of yelling slamming doors etc. while my wife does the opposite and says nothing. The problem is that just irritates me more. As with what steff said I can’t keep doing that with the kids around. It’s been over a year since I truly lost my temper. I see so much of my temper in my youngest son. It scares me.

  7. Leela Lamore says:

    I have to agree with square1 dont provoke for our entertainment. When I first started my blog, Phoenix felt our upswing in kinky sex was just so I would have something to blog about. It did not go down well.

  8. aphron says:

    Wife tends to be in the first category. She will talk and fight until it is resolved. It feels like a running gun battle. I, on the other hand, internalize way too much. That’s not good either. Marriage is about trying to find that middle, common ground.

    My blog has been slow. Wife and I haven’t had any major blow-ups for a month. It seems I have nothing to write about.

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