Patience

09/03/2005

Saturday

I must be getting back to normal as my resentments are regaining strength. And at the same time so are other…er…interests. No chastity for awhile, as I can’t think of a worse predicament to be in if my condition went south.

So let’s talk about Patience. The quality and the person. I remember Square1 mentioning the name of Halle Berry’s character in Catwoman. While the Lioness has a certain look, she lacks any subtly whatsoever. Way young, way impulsive and way immature. Yeah, she’d be fun in the sack until she opened her mouth. Which would be nonstop. So let’s bid farwell to the young Lioness, exit stage left. She’s now an extra/supporting character. So long.

Enter a new interest: Patience. Ten years older and disposition matches the name Patience is much closer to a Halle Berry. Not loud, not obnoxious, not impulsive. Easy on the eyes and intelligent. She guards herself quite closely, so it takes some time to draw her out and get to know her. But she is pleasant company. And right now, pleasant company is good enough.

Patience, the virtue, can also be pleasant company at times. Just the word has some comfort to it. I might write more on the implications of this to current events in my other blog, but this one is my story. And really I think patience has been a hallmark of my relationship journey, thus far. I get short, I get frustrated and vent. But I’m still fighting and holding. With God’s assistance, no doubt.

God’s assistance does not come in the form of supernatural strength, though I wish it would, sometimes. No, it is sometimes more heavy handed, as with this whole prostate infection business. God has ways of jerking a body into reality and He really wastes nothing. While snapping my attention around, there was also the opportunity for Arwyn to demonstrate some compassion and understanding. She does to a certain point, and I’ll give her that. But not in the way of demonstrable affection, which is where my hungers lie. This morning, I was again missing the two minutes. Two minutes. How big of a thing for me, yet small enough for her to not even notice.

With most major decisions, my policy is generally to stay put until God gives a green light to move. And so it is with my marriage. Does God EVER give a person the green light to leave their marriage? I don’t know. I suppose if one of us died, that would be a pretty convincing signal to the other that it was time to move on. If Arwyn was cheating, I’d feel justified. What if I was the one cheating? I see that as a different circumstance, since her and I have had discussions on this. She has demonstrated more surprise that I haven’t cheated yet! Upon introducing her to the cage, she thought there was someone else. Later, when I got into some hot water over something else, her comment was, “Why couldn’t you just have gone out and had an affair?”

The woman has considered the possibility on several occasions. Perhaps in me having an affair, Arwyn would somehow feel justified in her treatment of me. I suppose my reluctance to look into the possibility, beyond the moral implications, has been my reluctance to give up that high ground. Now it comes to me that she never complains about me spending money on seemingly trivial things because she feels more justified in her trivial spending.

Part of the strategy in living with a condescending prick is to allow the said prick to make mistakes and watch him fall on his face. This is inevitable if the condescending prick is left to his own devices, long enough. Then, it becomes a lot easier to be neglectful or even reckless since the prick is pinned down by his own folly.

D.

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6 Responses to Patience

  1. Square1 says:

    Perhaps she wants you to have an affair Digger… not just to justify her treatment of you, but to justify leaving the marriage and going after alimony and child support. You know you’rw wife better than any of us here, and I never like to assume that a woman is laying in wait in order to be vicious… but there are those out there.

  2. Eunay says:

    I think maybe she is just insecure. Maybe by her saying why not go out and have an affair, she is waiting for you to admit that you have had one. In a woman’s mind, sometimes you feel that you can prepare yourself for something bad if you just come out and assume it may or has happened. Intriguing blog!

  3. Leela Lamore says:

    Both square1 and eunay have a point. To add to the theory perhaps she wants you to have an affair so you will leave her alone sexually? There are cultures where this takes place … the wife is the mother and care giver and the mistress is for sex and intimacy.

  4. ~ anne says:

    i really wish you wouldn’t refer to yourself as a condescending prick. you are a man, a frustrated one and rightfully so, you are a husband and a father and not a condescending prick. is that how you describe yourself or how arwyn describes you?

    i don’t think any woman who loves her husband would want him to have an affair. there are ulterior motives with her saying that, what they are no one knows but arwyn.

    ~anne

  5. Rob says:

    “The woman has considered the possibility on several occasions. Perhaps in me having an affair, Arwyn would somehow feel justified in her treatment of me.”

    Or looking at it another way, the fact that she even thinks about it at all (or it’s remote possibility) means that deep down she realizes full well that she is not making you happy by doing her part as your wife in your marriage. And, with little exception, the fact that she has not acted to change this situation in the least little way speaks volumes as actions speak louder than words.

  6. aphron says:

    I’d say Rob hit the nail on the head. Arwyn knows she is failing you as a wife. That is the problem. She knows she is not fulfilling your needs, yet she seems to not care. It’s one thing to fail to meet one’s needs; it’s quite another to know and not do anything about it. If only one is working on the marriage, how can it succeed? I don’t know. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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