The wonderful thing about blogging is that ideas get passed around, processed and worked over almost to death. But then answers start to appear to questions that have been irritating for a long time.
So it is with the whole “Cheating” theme, where I nearly fell poff the hill I said I would die on. Actually, I was closer to jumping. Square1, Morgan z, Jay and Dewdrop all weighed in on the issue. Those are just the ones I know about from the blogroll.
As folks dug into the subject contributing their own experiences, beliefs, feelings and thoughts, I felt like I was part of some sort of detective story along the line of National Treasure. Everyone was dropping clues and priceless information and we are all sifting though it. Of course we all seek different things, just like we contribute different things.
Dewdrop scored a huge one for me when she wrote about her take on “Love and Lust.” Square1 actually touched on it in her first go round on this, talking about a woman’s primary need as being for security. Dewdrop came right out and said it; she got married for security and children. Sex didn’t even make the top 5 list. I’m sure that this isn’t true with all women as there are some women secure enough in themselves they don’t need to find someone else to give it to them. This goes for all forms of security — physical, emotional, financial and just general stability all ’round. I think I’d like to read more from someone on the nature of this need for security because I’m flat out not getting it. It seems more logical to invest in ones self and increase their own abilities and strength than to glom on to someone else. Live with your parents, siblings or other family members. Join a commune. Buy a dog. There are lots of ways to get security without a “Until death do us part” clause. Of course, that lifetime provision appears to be THE central motivation for folks choosing marriage for security. I’m talking out my ass, here, because I admit that I don’t get it. It seems silly to me.
I got married, I think; for the sake of intimacy. Is there some other way I could acheive the goal of being universally intimate with someone else outside of a marriage relationship? And why didn’t anyone tell me about it before? Physical intimacy is a part of that. Definitely on the top 5 list.
Last night I went to bed a little earlier, hoping to get a bit of that from my wife. She was in that inverted sleep position, facing away, so I poked her a few times with my hard-on. She scuttled to her side of the bed all crab-like. Crabby is how I felt. I got my little towel and decided to relieve my own frustration. It didn’t happen. I was hard as hell, but there was no orgasm coming. I fell asleep with my dick in my hands.
Next morning, She gave me one of those little pecks and was in the shower. I thought about following her but decided to resume my own effort at release. I eventually came but it was definitely not this big, huge wave as it had in the past after weeks of chastity. It was almost a disappointment. I barely made a spot on the towel. You would think I’d spew all over the place. But no. Makes me feel kind of foolish to make such a big fuss over such a small thing. I’m sure Arwyn’s assistance would have produced a more substantial release. But I just don’t see that happening. Even if I managed to badger or guilt her into it, it wouldn’t make any strides to intimacy.
Lots of people comment on how they don’t know how I do it. How I keep working at it, on and on and on and on and on. Honestly, neither do I. Faith in God? Maybe, but the sheer span of time of this saga defies such a sustained campaign by myself.
I believe God has a lot to do with it. I was a virgin until the ripe old age of 25, and it wasn’t for lack of trying or wanting. God put a hedge around me, and continues to do that probably protecting me from my own sure self-destruction.