The wonderful thing about blogging is that ideas get passed around, processed and worked over almost to death. But then answers start to appear to questions that have been irritating for a long time.

So it is with the whole “Cheating” theme, where I nearly fell poff the hill I said I would die on. Actually, I was closer to jumping. Square1, Morgan z, Jay and Dewdrop all weighed in on the issue. Those are just the ones I know about from the blogroll.

As folks dug into the subject contributing their own experiences, beliefs, feelings and thoughts, I felt like I was part of some sort of detective story along the line of National Treasure. Everyone was dropping clues and priceless information and we are all sifting though it. Of course we all seek different things, just like we contribute different things.

Dewdrop scored a huge one for me when she wrote about her take on “Love and Lust.” Square1 actually touched on it in her first go round on this, talking about a woman’s primary need as being for security. Dewdrop came right out and said it; she got married for security and children. Sex didn’t even make the top 5 list. I’m sure that this isn’t true with all women as there are some women secure enough in themselves they don’t need to find someone else to give it to them. This goes for all forms of security — physical, emotional, financial and just general stability all ’round. I think I’d like to read more from someone on the nature of this need for security because I’m flat out not getting it. It seems more logical to invest in ones self and increase their own abilities and strength than to glom on to someone else. Live with your parents, siblings or other family members. Join a commune. Buy a dog. There are lots of ways to get security without a “Until death do us part” clause. Of course, that lifetime provision appears to be THE central motivation for folks choosing marriage for security. I’m talking out my ass, here, because I admit that I don’t get it. It seems silly to me.

I got married, I think; for the sake of intimacy. Is there some other way I could acheive the goal of being universally intimate with someone else outside of a marriage relationship? And why didn’t anyone tell me about it before? Physical intimacy is a part of that. Definitely on the top 5 list.

Last night I went to bed a little earlier, hoping to get a bit of that from my wife. She was in that inverted sleep position, facing away, so I poked her a few times with my hard-on. She scuttled to her side of the bed all crab-like. Crabby is how I felt. I got my little towel and decided to relieve my own frustration. It didn’t happen. I was hard as hell, but there was no orgasm coming. I fell asleep with my dick in my hands.

Next morning, She gave me one of those little pecks and was in the shower. I thought about following her but decided to resume my own effort at release. I eventually came but it was definitely not this big, huge wave as it had in the past after weeks of chastity. It was almost a disappointment. I barely made a spot on the towel. You would think I’d spew all over the place. But no. Makes me feel kind of foolish to make such a big fuss over such a small thing. I’m sure Arwyn’s assistance would have produced a more substantial release. But I just don’t see that happening. Even if I managed to badger or guilt her into it, it wouldn’t make any strides to intimacy.

Lots of people comment on how they don’t know how I do it. How I keep working at it, on and on and on and on and on. Honestly, neither do I. Faith in God? Maybe, but the sheer span of time of this saga defies such a sustained campaign by myself.

I believe God has a lot to do with it. I was a virgin until the ripe old age of 25, and it wasn’t for lack of trying or wanting. God put a hedge around me, and continues to do that probably protecting me from my own sure self-destruction.


5 Responses to Security?

  1. Square1 says:

    Jimmy Evans explains a woman’s need for security much better than I ever could. It’s a need that the nature of masculinity is ripe to fulfil, the hunter, the protector, the provider. What good is a man at being all of those things if there is no one that needs it from him? On the other hand men need honor, praise, and sex, which is where our nurturing, caring communicative, and sensuality comes into play. The nurturing believe it or not is meant as much for our husbands as for our children… not in a playing mommy to him sort of way.

    We often forget and reject our own differences, tell ourselves that we are wrong for having them and if we could just see things the other gender’s way and respond to things as the other gender does we’ll get along better. We attain the opposite though, because we take away the reception needed for each role to be fulfilled, and the different needs to be met. It’s kind of like the economic balance of supply and demand… you cut off the demand the supply becomes worthless. You cut off the supply the demand seems overwhelming.

    It’s not some cruel joke that a woman’s needs need to be met to make her feel sexual, and that a man’s needs need to be fulfilled in order for him to feel affection and intimacy towards his wife. It’s meant to be a positive cycle that fuels itself. But when it breaks down… it’s a very vicious cycle indeed.

  2. ~ anne says:

    i got married because i found the man who made me happier than i ever thought i could be. i was head over heels, weak at the knees in love. he had all the qualities that i think are important in choosing a partner… honesty, integrity, loyalty, passion, compassion, a sense of humor, gentleness and faith.

    i know this is cliche but i didn’t find the man i could live with, i found the man i couldn’t live without.

    despite the problems i still feel very much the same today.

  3. Shasta says:

    I’ve got to ask you … last night or this morning if your wife had offered you a hand job or a blow job – would that have satisfied you. Being a woman I’ve always wondered about that…

  4. Digger Jones says:

    I’m sure when it works, it works very well, Square. And we both know when it is bad, it can be VERY bad! That’s the trick: to reverse the downward spiral.

    And as your circumstances show, Anne, there aren’t any guarantees. But it is encouraging that you still feel the way you do.

    If Arwyn would have offered a handjob this morning or last night, I would have been satisfied…for the moment. Not forever, not even for a week. Maybe not even for a day. But for the moment. One moment of satisfaction.

    The other day I was satisfied with 2 minutes of hugging and kissing.

    Do I ask too much?


  5. Anonymous says:

    I’ve not read your blog before, so I don’t know what else you’ve tried, but as a woman, I can say that being poked with a hard on is not my idea of an invitation to “intimacy”, it woud seem to me more like a demand for a base release of a primal urge on one party’s part. What is in it for her?

    Perhaps your wife wants to be kissed, stroked, talked to and generally turned on before she is ready to be intimate and have sex. Just because you have an erection does not mean she has one.

    If you got married, presumably, there was a time when sex was good and you were getting the intamacy you wanted – so go back to the basics, what did you do that wooed her then?

    If you were not getting what you wanted before, I can tell you that most women I know want romance. And our idea of romance is not hard ons jammed into our sides.

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