I am seriously considering going for a chastity record this go round, for lots of reasons. First of all, with 11 days down it is actually getting easier. I only wake up 2 times per night and the days are okay. I may get periods of frustration but these are less and less about the cage and more and more about Arwyn. She is just flat-out unresponsive. So getting out doesn’t hold the appeal that it might have with someone waiting for me…or me having someone to wait for.
Another reason is this business with the Lioness that has gotten folks in an uproar. True, I have contemplated plenty and I finally have someone to contemplate with/for. That alone is something worth writing about. I’ve judiciously avoided these sorts of entanglements over the past many years. While there are some erotic components here, it is mostly about having someone around who regards me as worth talking to and listening to. So I’m actually shopping for an emotional bond more than a sexual one. Staying locked up is just a good strategy for keeping my virtue physically intact, such that it is.
I have considered the comments, and they are nearly identical to arguments that I’ve given at times to other bloggers considering the same sort of thing. Except for Satan, who I knew would get pretty wet over the prospect. I have not stopped working on my marriage and praying earnestly for deliverance from the vise that I find myself in. Stretched and squeezed at the same time.
After Job suffered all of his afflictions, it was his wife (notice she’s the only one in the family Satan totally spared) asked Job, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Why don’t you just curse God and die?” It’s the only words she has in the whole Biblical drama. How great Job’s desolation must have been at that moment! Scraping sores on his body with a shard of pottery while his unscathed wife chides him. Bitch.
The day I first told Arwyn about the cage, I remember telling her I needed to talk to her. Her response: “What’s her name? Do I know her?”
She thought I was having an affair! We’ve had discussions about this before, and I’ve even asked her point blank “What do you expect me to do? Do you want me to have an affair?” She never really answers. So this would not be the shocking revelation that it was for Anne and Morgan z, both of who had some degree of intimacy with their spouses leading up to it and were blindsided. In a way, it is like Adam standing around while Satan seduced her, as Square1 said. Only this time, it is Arwyn standing around, waiting for me to fuck up so she can play the part of the victim. This aggravates me as much as anything. She knows of my suffering and she suffers, too. But she refuses to do anything about it.
Last night, we did go to bed around 10:00, and I positioned us into a sort of inverted spooning position. Keep in mind, our heads are at opposite ends and she’s under her own blanket/rug. With her facing away, with her legs bent up, I face the other direction “sitting” on her bottom with mine, so it looks like we are a pair of chairs for each other only lying on our sides. It has the potential of being a rather intimate, if not novel, position.
Arwyn has had a horrible time sleeping and it seems she moves to the couch when she wakes. This morning I came out, gently kissed her cheek. I sort of hugged her, she lying on the couch, me kneeling beside her nuzzling her cheek. After 45 seconds, “That’s enough.” and that was it. She was off to take a shower. This has been a pattern the past few mornings when I’ve tried to steal two minutes with my wife. I get no more than 45 seconds. I suppose I should feel lucky just to be getting that.
This is the other, and maybe greatest, reason for keeping the cage on. It tempers the bitter bile of resentment, and if I get out now, that anger will come upon me like a whirlwind. I’m afraid of unleashing such a powerful force.
My responsibility. It is always my responsibility. It always has been my responsibility. She seems to assume none and take none. I’ve been standing in the gap for years, as the few of the readers coming over from Ivillage well know.
Counseling. I’ve been to counseling. As quacks go, the guy I saw years ago was pretty good and cut me loose fairly early after only a month. Being on a sliding fee scale, I either wasn’t as bad off as others or maybe there was some higher paying folks waiting to get in. That was back before I was broke. The economic engine is presently dead in the water. I’ll be siphoning gas from the lawn mower to get to work the rest of the month. Mostly due to the Target Visa with a balance of over $10k, which took God’s share for the first time in years.
Ashes and dust.