Extending

08/23/2005

Tuesday

Day 11

I am seriously considering going for a chastity record this go round, for lots of reasons. First of all, with 11 days down it is actually getting easier. I only wake up 2 times per night and the days are okay. I may get periods of frustration but these are less and less about the cage and more and more about Arwyn. She is just flat-out unresponsive. So getting out doesn’t hold the appeal that it might have with someone waiting for me…or me having someone to wait for.

Another reason is this business with the Lioness that has gotten folks in an uproar. True, I have contemplated plenty and I finally have someone to contemplate with/for. That alone is something worth writing about. I’ve judiciously avoided these sorts of entanglements over the past many years. While there are some erotic components here, it is mostly about having someone around who regards me as worth talking to and listening to. So I’m actually shopping for an emotional bond more than a sexual one. Staying locked up is just a good strategy for keeping my virtue physically intact, such that it is.

I have considered the comments, and they are nearly identical to arguments that I’ve given at times to other bloggers considering the same sort of thing. Except for Satan, who I knew would get pretty wet over the prospect. I have not stopped working on my marriage and praying earnestly for deliverance from the vise that I find myself in. Stretched and squeezed at the same time.

After Job suffered all of his afflictions, it was his wife (notice she’s the only one in the family Satan totally spared) asked Job, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Why don’t you just curse God and die?” It’s the only words she has in the whole Biblical drama. How great Job’s desolation must have been at that moment! Scraping sores on his body with a shard of pottery while his unscathed wife chides him. Bitch.

The day I first told Arwyn about the cage, I remember telling her I needed to talk to her. Her response: “What’s her name? Do I know her?”

She thought I was having an affair! We’ve had discussions about this before, and I’ve even asked her point blank “What do you expect me to do? Do you want me to have an affair?” She never really answers. So this would not be the shocking revelation that it was for Anne and Morgan z, both of who had some degree of intimacy with their spouses leading up to it and were blindsided. In a way, it is like Adam standing around while Satan seduced her, as Square1 said. Only this time, it is Arwyn standing around, waiting for me to fuck up so she can play the part of the victim. This aggravates me as much as anything. She knows of my suffering and she suffers, too. But she refuses to do anything about it.

Last night, we did go to bed around 10:00, and I positioned us into a sort of inverted spooning position. Keep in mind, our heads are at opposite ends and she’s under her own blanket/rug. With her facing away, with her legs bent up, I face the other direction “sitting” on her bottom with mine, so it looks like we are a pair of chairs for each other only lying on our sides. It has the potential of being a rather intimate, if not novel, position.

Arwyn has had a horrible time sleeping and it seems she moves to the couch when she wakes. This morning I came out, gently kissed her cheek. I sort of hugged her, she lying on the couch, me kneeling beside her nuzzling her cheek. After 45 seconds, “That’s enough.” and that was it. She was off to take a shower. This has been a pattern the past few mornings when I’ve tried to steal two minutes with my wife. I get no more than 45 seconds. I suppose I should feel lucky just to be getting that.

This is the other, and maybe greatest, reason for keeping the cage on. It tempers the bitter bile of resentment, and if I get out now, that anger will come upon me like a whirlwind. I’m afraid of unleashing such a powerful force.

My responsibility. It is always my responsibility. It always has been my responsibility. She seems to assume none and take none. I’ve been standing in the gap for years, as the few of the readers coming over from Ivillage well know.

Counseling. I’ve been to counseling. As quacks go, the guy I saw years ago was pretty good and cut me loose fairly early after only a month. Being on a sliding fee scale, I either wasn’t as bad off as others or maybe there was some higher paying folks waiting to get in. That was back before I was broke. The economic engine is presently dead in the water. I’ll be siphoning gas from the lawn mower to get to work the rest of the month. Mostly due to the Target Visa with a balance of over $10k, which took God’s share for the first time in years.

Ashes and dust.

D.

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6 Responses to Extending

  1. Satan says:

    I do remember reading that you had asked Arwyn about having an affair and she never replied. Is that an answer there?

    I don’t blame you a bit, Digger. I’d love a description of this new girl, though. Is this going to be a strictly emotional affair? Or will she be a keyholder, which could (only technically) be described as an emotional affair, too, I guess?

    If she is going to be your new keyholder (how exciting! You’re so much more prolific when locked up!) she should be named Hecate, who held the title ‘kleidouchos’ (‘key holder’).

  2. aphron says:

    Ahh temptation. Writing about the lack of sex meaning a lack of intimacy. After reading this blog for many months, it seems Arwyn considers the marriage dead? One person working on a marriage will not produce a successful marriage. Although I am against divorce, she is not living up to her vows either. Remember “love, honor, cherish?”

    Before you do something stupid and have an affair, cut her loose. Having an affair will be your downfall. You will not be seen as the victim but the victimizer. I feel your pain, but having an affair will solve the problems at home. Only Arwyn can do that. If she is not willing, then she has already given up. She has to be the one to want to meet half way.

  3. Rob says:

    I was watching a Dr. Phil tv show the other day and he mentioned something that seems to apply here. He said that everyone acts the way that they do because they get something of benefit out of it. So why does Arwyn act the way that she does? Well, it could be that she enjoys a secure lifestyle, with a roof over her head, clothes on her back, food in front of her, but no need to contribute anything to the marriage. Does the term “kept woman” come to mind? Or, she could be thinking that if Digger ever did decide to have an affair, then she would get everything in the resulting divorce – the wife as victim – and it would still be a win for her. So of course Arwyn would never explicitly give Digger “permission” to have an affair because then that would ruin everything in any divorce settlement.

    Basicly Arwyn has no incentive to change her ways, so why would she? Why would any woman, behaving as she is reported to be, even give a fig about any old key or cage?

    So if the ultimate answer is “everyone for her/him self”, then Digger at least be decisive but also play it smart. Find your happiness (if not just sex) but do it the right way – no affairs before divorce first, if that is your only option.

    But if that is not your only option, and instead the decision to maintain the status-quo in your marriage is your choice, well then I guess there’s not much more that needs to be discussed is there? The ball is in your court. Arwyn has (mentally) left the marriage, it would appear.

  4. Square1 says:

    Actually I was comparing Adam to you Digger, in that you are turning around and blaming the woman for a choice you are going to make for yourself. You don’t have to take the fruit just because it’s offered to you, though in such famine as you’re suffering I understand why you would want to.

    Work on the marriage or don’t. Save the marriage or don’t. Emotional affair, physical affair… each are equally as devestating no matter how your mind may tell you they’re not. Spare yourself, the children, and Arwyn some pain… divorce first. If you still do not see that as an option, hang in there and don’t play with fire. I promise… you and those you care about will get burned.

  5. C-Marie says:

    This is a tough on D~
    I can relate to your dilemma so clearly – during those times I have had with JM, wanting to be desired and emotionally wanted drove me to the very thoughts you’re entering here. I never acted on it but I did notice how I felt when I received attention from other men. In my mind I felt like if he couldn’t see what he had and someone else did then it was a weapon to use in hurting him as he had hurt me. Being with another would only create the already growing void to grow larger – noone else can fill it but JM. Emotional attachments do, indeed, lead to physical attachments.
    Be careful D~ to contemplate what you’re are writing about, I think would only lead to a win situation for Arwyn in the short run (kids, house, the whole 50/50 thing) but in the long run, it speaks loudly of devastation.
    Your pain and frustration is heard here. In the black and white world, noone can really blame you but in a world with lots and lots of gray in between… be careful! The gray area is the place that makes all the difference!
    You’re in my thoughts.

  6. ~ anne says:

    Have you ever sat Arwyn down and had an open, honest conversation? Tell her how you really feel, even the things that you know will hurt. Ask her what she wants, expects and needs from your marriage and then tell her what you want, expect and need. You have said previously that communication is one of your many problems. You two need to clear the air, you need to understand where each of you stand. You have young children, obviously many years invested in your marriage, don’t forget that, don’t simply throw that aside for alittle respect and affection from someone else. I understand your frustration very well, I know what it is like to have needs ignored. I certainly don’t think that it is worth risking all the positive things in your life (and yes, you do have many).

    ~anne

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