This blog has always been and will probably always be the riskiest of ventures. It is anonymous, but there is always the possibility of being discovered. I’m a pretty private person, generally speaking. I don’t share too much with co-workers or even friends. And the whole chastity bit is definitely an area where it would be embarrassing to be outed in RL. At the same time, there is part of me that needs to get out. Hence this blog.
Arwyn is even more secretive than me. She is definitely averse to risk of any kind except possibly the risk of bankruptcy. Add to this her curious nature which admittedly carries some risk, but it beats the risk of surprise. She comes through the room and the first thing she does is lock eyes on the monitor to see what I’m reading or writing. It has become singularly annoying. She HATES me reading over her shoulder and now she does it on me. I’ve never been that snoopy about what she does, but I might glance over while talking to her. Not stare, though. Every time.
I used to switch or close windows when she walked in the room. I usually do several things at once, anyway so not a huge deal. However the sudden switching and shifting looks suspicious and I’m weary of that. If she wants to snoop around, then so be it. Don’t squawk when something is seen that would be better off not seen. I’m neither hiding nor flaunting. I’m being discreet.
She watched me type part of an entry for Unsolicited Advice, so she knows I have a blog. Unsolicited Advice has its share of controversy, but isn’t nearly as volatile as this blog. At least in her eyes. Remember, she is extraordinarily skittish about any discussion of sex. Knowing others are reading and commenting on our sexlife, such that it is, would probably leave her mortified.
And the comments…she doesn’t exactly have a thriving fan club here. Although she should because she really is the engine that drives most of my drama and inspiration. I have stated my love of her in the face of numerous challenges from the audience and co-participants urging me to do otherwise. My loyalty and devotion has been ironclad, despite many feelings to the contrary. Neither of us do well with criticism (hence us avoiding conflict with each other) and she is especially sensitive. This is one reason why she has hated almost every job she has ever had. There is no escaping criticism when on a job, working for and with other people. Especially in places dominated by female management. Sorry ladies, but in work environments made up mostly of women, it quickly turns into a snake pit of hissing, slithering and striking. Men are competitive, to be sure. We will figuratively engage in battles of conquest. But at the end of the day, we can get together with our rivals and have a beer and exchange stories. This is because men generally have poor memories and the emotional short-term memory is especially impoverished.
Women, OTOH, generally have an especially vindictive nature towards each other. If a woman wants to squash you, you have a long and difficult struggle to turn it around because it’s all about the relationship and feelings. Women have superior memories because they retain the emotional component so handily. Frequently, the most compelling emotion is hostility and that is nearly impossible to dislodge.
In anycase, Arwyn is dead set against personal stuff being out there. I’m dead set against suppressing it inside. I can’t talk to her and talking to RL friends would give her a stroke…not to say what the chastity bit would do to the psychological health of my friends!
So anonymous blogging is the perfect place for this brand of shock and awe. I’m trying to be discreet about it, but if Arwyn happens to snoop and stumble onto this place I need to prepare for it. I don’t think of it as cheating so much as group therapy. Reality and Redemption is where I get more personal, and Unsolicited Advice is where I give back in a broader sense. I need both types of forums. I’m a writer, a thinker and an entertainer.
I actually did have a Wife Blog on our computer. It was a place in the shared folder where I would post whatever thoughts I had for Arwyn to read. She never gave any feedback or indication that she ever read it, except once. At that time she said it felt like she couldn’t do anything right. Years ago, when we were living apart for a bit I sent an email sharing my feelings and she called me on the telephone to chew me out for it.
So basically, I mostly feel like I’m not allowed to share my deepest, darkest feelings with her. I know much of what I think would hurt her, and I’m not out to do that. Being able to express myself to you good folks has been very liberating and therapeutic. Reading you has similarly been educational.
I’m not going to try to be overly secretive with Arwyn, but I am going to continue to keep it down low as much as possible to avoid hurting her. If she wants to read my thoughts I’ll let her have at it, but she needs to be warned that this isn’t about her as much as it is me. There are some bad things I’ve written and vile comments to boot. But you all have the same right to express yourselves as you see fit (and as I allow).
This isn’t a goodbye post by any means. This is a note to the audience to hunker down. A shitstorm may be approaching.