I had a post all typed out, but I’ll use it later, maybe. It’s on my PDA in our bedroom, where Arwyn is napping and since she didn’t get a lot of sleep last night with the kids being up and down all night, I’m not going to bother her.
The Reality of where we are right now at this time in this place:
It’s been awhile since we’ve had an argument or fight…a week or so? Meanwhile, we have spent time together, have talked about nothing too deep and generally just gotten along. There are a couple of things that help. Little, tiny things. One is expressing some measure of affection in the morning. A nice kiss, a hug. The other morning, she was being a busy body and was out of the bedroom to pamper and spoil the children. I was angry at her for totally ignoring me as if I didn’t exist. However, I closed my eyes, took a deep breathe and acted…
I bolted out of the bed, and bounded down the hall and before she knew what hit her I gave her a big hug and kiss, which she returned.
That was it. And that was good enough to last the day.
The next morning, she did make a special effort to give me a nice good morning kiss, or a series of them. Her more intimate kisses and less intimate kisses are differentiated in quantity, not in any quality or duration. But I’m learning to appreciate the intent if not the topography of the behavior.
And so it is, we just sort of do the little things. And those are good enough.
The reality of the moment is that I’m the one who has to drive the relationship forward if it is going to happen. I give Arwyn credit and hold her responsible for controlling our sex life, which the LL always does. However, I do seem quite capable of having a positive or negative effect on the climate of our relationship. The reality is that I do have quite a lot of control over how the day starts and ends. I can choose to be the catalyst for good or ill.
One problem is that neither Arwyn nor I are very bubbly, positive people by nature. In fact, we’re both quite judgemental. There is some very serious effort involved for us to be both positive and accepting. Assuming she is not not going to make effort in that direction, I guess it’s up to me to put forth the effort. This is part of growing as a person; to put other people first, to put up with all the crap, to work hard and hopefully see results. And to accept when things don’t go the way we want.
In the College of Life, Arwyn remains my greatest mentor and teacher. The lessons she’s teaching me are precisely the ones that I’m assigned to learn at this moment. I hope the grading scale is on a curve…
Something else I’ve been thinking about is earlier this year when things were apparently going so well. What was going on? What was different, besides the weather?
Since most of the earlier blog totally disappeared along with a detailed record, I’m left to guess. And maybe I’m right or wrong, but the old blog had one other theme that has not really been at work in this blog; the chastity theme. I did write earlier about it, but haven’t put any other energy into it. I’ve been unlocked since mid May and my sex life has only worsened.
Part of the problem, in hindsight, was when it was good I kept pressing for more and more. I should have just taken once a week and shut up.
One reason why I haven’t locked up, is because I keep thinking, now that it’s been a month I hate to extend things even longer by locking up. But I need to get over that, and just deal with it. What records I have indicate, beyond a doubt, that my sex life improves when I spend time in the cage. And that is probably because of a change in my own behavior. The cage helped combat resentment and all the behavior that went with it. Now that I’ve got things in better perpspective, the cage might be able to do its thing again.
If I haven’t said before, or in case it was missed, I do need to reiterate that I do love my wife. Maybe it’s part of my personality disorder or whatever but I can just look at her and love her. I can just think fond thoughts of her and love her.
This is a fundamental truth; one will never think fond thoughts about someone else that they are treating badly. The better I treat Arwyn, the better I feel towards her and the better I feel about myself. It is irksome and bothersome to always have to be the one to do all of the pursuing, the working, the mending and the building. It seems very unfair, sometimes. But that’s the reality of this moment in time and space. The person who argues and fights with reality will lose, but only 100% of the time.