I Don’t Get it…

07/11/2005

Monday

I’m lonely and I miss my wife. I told her as much this morning, minutes before Thomas woke up. But Arwyn was unmoved.

She’ll tolerate some hugging, brief kissing and light conversation. But nothing that I would categorize as very intimate. It’s been about a month since we’ve had anything resembling sexual intimacy. This is simply a very lonely existence. I mean, the kids are usually keen to hug, play and fiddle around. But it isn’t the same.

I’ve heard some women complain that they are all “touched out” after having the kids hang on them all day. I totally don’t get that. A touch by a child is totally different than a touch from an adult female. Hopefully a wife. The cuddles, kisses and touches are totally different and unrelated. My kids can hug and climb all over me, but it has none of the same effect that hugging my wife has. Should it? Am I missing something that I shouldn’t be? Is this the secret to mothers of young children being able to go days, weeks and months without wanting to be touched? They just get it from the kids?

I just do not get it at all. I have really tried to give Arwyn whatever space she seems to need for the past month and she has shown absolutely no need or desire to touch or be touched by her husband in any way, shape or form. How can someone live like that? I do NOT get it. In more ways than one!

I’m not even talking about full-on sex, or even half-on sex but just basic husband/wife intimacy. You know, good feelings, warm thoughts, smiles, gentle pats, that sort of thing.

I’m wondering if maybe I would be happier living by myself with a dog. A stray dog came round yesterday while I was picking beans and tomatoes. A young black lab. Friendly pup that just hung around for an hour or so before moving on. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m asking too much from a person and maybe just need to have a pet.

D.

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9 Responses to I Don’t Get it…

  1. aphron says:

    My marriage has its times. Although Wife was never that disconnected, there were times of no sex. To this day our sex life is vanilla…good but (you know). It sounds like she is carrying some deep resentment towards you. It, also, sounds like you have done all you can. You can’t force someone to start communicating with you, so getting a pet might not be a bad idea.

  2. Minerva says:

    Not easy..I had this kind of relationship for a while..and I found it very difficult indeed. I wish I had had a blog then to express my frustration…

    I wish you the best of luck – I think the only advice I could possibly offer you, given that every situation is different, is to try and talk about exactly what it is that is frustrating you. Genuine affection is very different to sex…

    Minerva

  3. Square1 says:

    It’s not about the effect of the touch digger. The “all touched out syndrome” has a lot to do with sensory over load. Once you’ve had people intruding on your personal space day after day after day, being loud, and demanding so much from you, you do feel like if one more person touch’s you, talks to you, screams at you, you’re going to have a nervous breakdown. You may not understand it, but it doesn’t make it any less of a valid feeling. Husband’s have it especially bad. We can excuse the kids because well, they’re kids they don’t really understand the concept of personal space. You have to teach them. However with husbands we assume you’re adults, and when you don’t back off when we feel we’ve made it clear what our needs are, basically we feel that our needs are not important to you, and all youc are about is getting what you want. That doesn’t feel like intimacy to us. It’s a hard thing to deal with on both ends of the spectrum. Usually for me allowing me a bit of time to myself to unwind helps. Hubs takes over the kids for me and I enjoy time to relax… usually I end up using the last part of it preparing and anticipating us coming back together again… sort of a “Thank you so much, and I missed you, but I needed to get away.”

  4. Digger I feel for you, I know what you are feeling.

    While I don’t completely disagree with Square 1’s comments I don’t think that applies when it goes on as long as it has. A day or two to relax or get away after a tough week or so is one thing but she sounds as if she has cut you off completely.

    How old are the children? Was she distant before the children? Did the relationship change before or after their births? Could it be possible that she suffers some type of post partum depression?

    You seem to try to communicate with her and I certainly think that is very important. Don’t let that stop, no matter how frustrating it is for you.

    I know it is difficult, hang in there. We are cheering you on.

    Dee

  5. Square1 says:

    I was simply addressing him saying, “I’ve heard some women complain that they are all “touched out” after having the kids hang on them all day. I totally don’t get that. A touch by a child is totally different than a touch from an adult female. Hopefully a wife. The cuddles, kisses and touches are totally different and unrelated. My kids can hug and climb all over me, but it has none of the same effect that hugging my wife has. Should it? Am I missing something that I shouldn’t be? Is this the secret to mothers of young children being able to go days, weeks and months without wanting to be touched? They just get it from the kids? I just do not get it at all.” As far as Digger’s personal situation… I doubt the lack of intimacy is always to do with this one thing. Not for a month at a time. This is more along the lines of simply checking out of the marriage emotionally. She would rather play spider solitaire than be affectionate with her husband. There is definitely a problem there.

  6. Dewdrop says:

    Digger, I really feel for you – at least your wife could cuddle you now and again. Although by the same token, I understand (yes, I am stupid enough to admit to it) where she is coming from to some extent). Touching is somehow linked in the brain, when you have a husband who has H/L than yourself, as a precursor to sex….so any touching is a trigger that means he wants sex, I hope that’s not too muddled for what I’m trying to say?! A dog doesn’t sound too bad an idea, if you think it would feel the void of lack of affection from your wife.

    I think that Square1 has articulated very well the “all touched out” feeling – I get that too. It’s something that I suppose most mothers (?? and fathers?? I don’t know) feel now and again, I would think, especially when/if they are stay at home mums or the main care giver as it were.

  7. Lone Ranger says:

    If she doesn’t want to talk to you, maybe you should both go to counseling. When a relationship starts to go bad, it falls apart incredibly fast — before you know it’s happening — and too late to do anything about it. I’ve been alone for 10 years and still sleep on the edge of the bed, making room for a wife I no longer have.

  8. Beth says:

    Just stopped in from a link on dh’s blog. I don’t know why this happens, and I have seen it alot on mens and womens blogs. People saying, why is when you have kids you don’t want sex. I have no idea…I am married and have 2 kids under the age of 3…and I still have a very active sex life with my husband. I have heard of couples that aren’t having any sex and but I didn’t relize this many didn’t. Its just sad really, I can’t imagine losing interest in it with my hubby, but we are always being creative and fresh and romantic. I hope things work out.

  9. DH says:

    Damn Dig…are you sure that you and I aren’t in the exact same damn house?

    That is EXACTLY what I’m going through.

    Obviously I don’t have any answers…otherwise I wouldn’t be in the same boat.

    Hang in there Bud.

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