Monogamy Sex

06/29/2005

Wednesday

I just finished reading Housewyfe Wendy’s offering on monogamy and sex. It really got my blood up. A LOT.

This could get bloody.

Actually, the comments got me as much as the post itself.

Let’s make something perfectly clear; Housewyfe is a fantasy. She might as well be a writer for Penthouse Forum. In fact, I’d rather read her than Penthouse. After reading her lovely blog for a few months, however, I had to quit. It was entirely too painful. She is a skilled and insightful writer who really does a wonderful job writing descriptively. But reading her, for me, was an exercise in frustration. True to what she offered in her latest entry, I would have no hope of keeping up with someone like her. She’s wonderfully erotic, sensual, loving, open and intimate. But there is a certain amount of pressure that goes along with that. Fortunately for her, Caveman is the perfect man for the job.

Her writing is skilled enough to evoke some fairly powerful emotions within me. And not a lot of them are good. The frustration outweighed any vicarious pleasure I might have gained. Any guy thinking he can put himself in the caveman’s shoes is really pipe-dreaming. C’mon back to reality, boys.

She did make an exceedingly insightful comment about earning her way in to or out of the marriage. That needs some more exploration by someone with more insight than I have at the moment. Square1 gave a fair treatment of it from the perspective of Jimmy Evans. He does have a pretty firm grasp on the Biblical perspective of fidelity. And for a Christian, the Bible should be the final word on the matter.

But I feel the need to be a bit more oppositional and incendiary at the moment. So I’m going out of bounds, Biblically speaking.

One commenter had the audacity to propose that us husbands might get more sex if we vaccuumed and did the dishes. That is unadultrated horsecrap. You think Housewyfe might get a richer schedule of sex if she’d just mow the lawn and change the oil in caveman’s truck once in awhile? For a LL woman, doing more chores translates into doing more chores. She uses the time freed up by a horny mate, not for sex, but for starting some other projects. Many of these projects are ones the husband will end up having to finish. If I do too many chores my wife will eventually put me off in order to change the cat litter. And we haven’t had a cat in over two years. The More Housework=More Sex is a myth.

If the division of labor is a problem, sex can be used as a chip to get more done around the house. But the opposite is NOT true.

Most women could eliminate almost all the daily chores from their lives and their horny husbands would be happy to do it. See “Real Women Don’t Do Housework” for an in-depth treatment of how to do it. Most women won’t do it, though. They resent the manipulation of reinforcement preferring the bitchiness of punishment and coercion.

Let’s move on to the monogamy bit. I agree with many of the writers’ personal stance on this matter. I don’t advocate cheating from a moral standpoint. However, if a woman is going to play the part of the ice queen, she needs to see the part she is playing, here. Juxtapose her punishing, cold and aversive ways with the warm enticements, kindness and pleasures offered by someone else…just exactly what do you expect him to do? He’s only human, afterall.

During Bill Clinton’s second term, I was as critical of him as anyone else. I thought he had disgraced the office, and was a beast. I still think he’s a terrible role model in light of his numerous bimbo explosions and the numerous rapes, murders and deaths surrounding his presidency. But I do have more compassion for the man, nowadays after having to live years with a woman who isn’t half as spiteful as Hillary. Every single day, that man would leave his angry, cold, calculating wife, and emerge the most powerful man on earth. Inside, he couldn’t help but be wounded by a woman who had never quite respected him.

Think about that. He spent so much of his life acquiring respect, power and admiration. He wanted people to like him. He wanted to be wanted. But the coldness of his wife was obvious and unrelenting. Each and every day, he went to work with a wounded heart. So along comes a spritely intern, flashing her thong and willing to play with cigars. What the hell was he supposed to do?

Vaccuum the rug? Wash the dishes?

Princess Diana was a woman who thought she had found her prince. She found depression, misery and lonliness. What the hell was *she* supposed to do? Wear sexier lingerie? Cook a few more enticing meals? Submit to her husband?

It’s so easy for us to judge others. But it is not as if either Hillary or Charles were willing to contend for their spouses against the forces of temptation that exist in the world. There is wickedness out there that does not sleep. These men and women are responsible for their decisions and the consequences should they decide to have an affair. But the indignant spouse plays his/her own role and stands to reap the bitter harvest of all the lonliness and lack of intimacy sown over the years.

If a spouse is doing everything they can do to contend for their spouse against this sort of temptation then they have a clear conscience. But a woman condemning a healthy, loving man to a state of semi-celibacy needs to examine her own self before playing the part of the one who is victimized.

In the Garden of Eden, Adam should have evicted the serpent at the outset. He allowed Eve to talk to the snake in the first place. When Eve offered him the fruit, she didn’t have to look around for Adam. She didn’t have to wait for him to come home and didn’t even have to call out to him. Adam was there the whole time. He heard what the snake said, and watched Eve pick the fruit and watched her take the first bite. He was right there. He could have stood up at any point and prevented the fall. But he didn’t. He didn’t contend for and protect his wife, and since that time, women have been refusing to contend for their husbands. Payback is hell. Even Job’s wife (the only one in Job’s family in the story who the devil didn’t bother to hurt or kill) was ready to give up on her husband “Why are you still holding on to your integrity? Why don’t you just curse God and die?”

I’m not saying that there are not women fighting alongside their husbands. But these helpmates are few and far between. I celibrate the ones that do.

As men, sex is one of our chief weaknesses. The world stands ready to attack and devour us every time we step out the door. It actually reaches inside our homes, thanks to T.V. and the internet. A sexless marriage is a wound that cripples.

And thanks to some decent blogs I read, I’ve learned that it isn’t just us guys who suffer. Women also suffer in sexless marriages. But I’m addressing the sort of guys who email Housewyfe as well as the women who want to go after and persecute guys who are cheating. There are no adult victims, here.

D.

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12 Responses to Monogamy Sex

  1. Rob says:

    I agree – “A sexless marriage is a wound that cripples.” – in fact it represents a slow death unless both spouses can turn things around. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

  2. Square1 says:

    Jimmy Evans in a lot of his things also explores why God made men so sexual in nature. It’s not meant to be a weakness, but something that draws the hunter/gatherer back home every night. I’m grossly over simplifying and not doing this much justice, but he created you to go out and focus on the the task of bringing in the food… instead of thinking, “Is that Bambi’s mother?” when you go to bring down the deer. Sex is what’s suppose to draw you back to your wife. Our detachment from sex and the way everything connects for us is meant to keep us faithful while hubby is away and grounded in running the household and raising children. It doesn’t always work out that way, and I agree a sexless marriage is a crippling wound. If the man witholds emotionally it’s crippling to the wife, and if the wife witholds sexually it is crippling to the husband. We do not realize often how much we damage each other with our differences or how they are actually meant to work in harmony with each other instead of against each other.

    I was impressed with Wendy’s comments about the type of marriage she wants and has and the level of trust that is necessary for her to be as sexual as she is, because it rings so true for myself as well.

  3. Marie says:

    This gives me a bit of a chuckle because in the days before we had a dishwasher, every so often when I was enslaved in front of the sink washing dishes, my husband would saunter up behind me and whisper in my ear, “You look so sexy doing that.”

    I used to think he was just using reverse psychology on me since he knew how much I detested doing the dishes!

    I can’t say that I am buying the whole deal about if only men would do more chores and help out their wives, they’d be more receptive to sex. That sounds almost like an evil ploy. Almost.

    What I have really been learning recently is this–women want to feel desired and appreciated, but not in the form of being able to pass household chores off to their husbands. There needs to be a mental and emotional connection in order for the sex to be any good, or for there to be any sex in the first place sometimes.

    This is the one thing I have begun to come to terms with since my extramartial relationships. Those other men didn’t appeal to me because they were willing to do my laundry! They were interested in me as a woman, as a person with ideas, views and opinions.

    Trust me, the dishes can always wait.

  4. Square1 says:

    I agree with Marie to a point. It’s not about the chores themselves. It’s about interaction, respect, showing that you’re willing to be involved, and that you view her as an equal. I detest the idea of being relegated to certain chores because of the anatomy I was blessed/cursed with.
    It’s like I discussed with hubs the other day. We’re doing a lot of rennovations, and a lot of the work I know how to do and actually enjoy doing. I detest being chased off from it because I’m a woman. To me there’s nothing more intimate than working along side of each other, working together, whether we’re hanging dry-wall or washing the dishes together. I’d almost rather work together than have him do it for me. That’s the kind of interest and involvement helping her out around the house shows, and it takes a while to prove that you will continue that involvement. When he is thoughtful enough to do something for me I appreciate it even more. It’s better than flowers to me, personally. It’s better than a nice poem. It’s sort of putting the action behind those romantic gestures. Housework does not equal sex. But it does build up partnership and comraudery… in that sense it perpetuates intimacy, which does open up sexual avenues. It just takes time and following through selflessly.

  5. Square1 says:

    In reading back through it looks like I contradicted myself. I said I would almost rather work together than have him do it for me, and then said when he is thoughtful enough to do something for me I appreciate it more. Let me clarify. I would rather work together for the most part… have an equal partnership, because then when he does something thoughtful like vacuuming for me or washing the dishes I know it his way of going above and beyond, when we’re already pulling an equal share. I’m not feeling so overburdened because I feel like I’m doing it all, and it doesn’t feel like he’s making a peace offering to get in my pants. As things sit there is a discrency in our relationship with the work load, but we’re working on it.

  6. Jami says:

    how do you know all the things you pretend to know about the clintons? do you spy on them? if i made up a bunch of stuff about your darling laura bush, would you like it?

  7. Digger Jones says:

    Geez Square! I can see you’ve spent some serious time thinking about this. FWIW, I think you are on the right track. In some ways, at least as depicted in your blog, you do have something that wants to approach ideal, at least as far as a committment for working on it. That committment can not be understated.

    I hadn’t thought about it before, but you do bring up a most interesting point, Marie, as far as women who have affairs doing it because of the interest and respect, not because the guy is doing the household chores. The same is true in reverse i.e. guys are not dating women simply because of their domestic skills. I can do my own laundry, thankyouverymuch!

    And Jami, I used to get regular emails from Bubba just like I get regular emails from Laura, now. For the record, she does wonder why she married the chimp. Having said that, she did say that she felt hurt and angry that you are always writing mean things about her and her family on your own blog.

    D.

  8. Marie says:

    D–

    Exactly my point about the whole having affairs controversy. Man or woman, it boils down to the same reasons. Men are drawn other women and vice versa b/c they are seeking some form of attention (via physical affection or emotional/psychological connection) that they lack with their significant other. This however is also the downfall to a certain degree. In the beginning of any relationship, we are typically so in tune with one another and the novelty itself is the “high”. For me, I missed the excitement, the “romance”, the newness and discovery when you’re with someone new. I started to think there must be something being wrong with me or that my marriage to my husband might have even been a mistake. Then I started to realize that all relationships go through phases and that is normal.

    The thing is I started to become addicted to that “high”…that rush that comes along when you’re with someone new. It saddened me on many levels, but I think mostly because no matter what, once your with someone for as many years as I’ve been with my husband, that newness rarely or ever comes back again. However, I also realize that there are trade-offs. Newness fades, but in place of it, you get a wonderful opportunity to connect with and appreciate the ups and downs that run through all long term relationships…and you have someone who is (hopefully) willing to ride those ups and downs with you.

    Utlimately, we, as men and women, are a lot more similar than we think. It would make sense to focus on what we are bound together by rather than how we differ.

  9. ed says:

    I had a look at that Marriage Today site. That certainly got my blood up!

    Damn, it does irritate me when the assumption is that to have a good marriage you have to be a Christian. And that you can’t love someone properly unless you have the love of God.

    So I’m precluded from being in love and having a good marriage because I don’t believe in God? Come on now, doesn’t that seem to be just a little bit ridiculous to you, even if you are a Christian?

    (Apologies to Square1 for the acerbic comment I left this morning, by the way.)

    Digger, I think you’re making the mistake of basing your assessment of Housewyfe on your own marriage – which is understandable.

    I don’t think she is a fantasy. It seems to be common for premenopausal women to go through the high libido stage. Once they actually get to menopause proper the libido may drop again.

    My wife is also at the premenopausal stage. She might not be wanting sex all the time in the way that Housewyfe does, but that might be because we sorted out our sex life some time ago and she is confident that she will get sex on a frequent basis and certainly whenever she wants it. But she does get aroused very easily and has copious orgasms. Your wife may well go through that stage too, Digger, when she gets premenopausal. Or then again maybe not; symptoms of premenopause vary as I understand. But, as I’ve said before, people do change over time.

    Helping with the housework does help but only provided that you do it all the time without expecting anything in return; if you do it expecting or wanting benefits in kind then it isn’t going to work and she will just resent your efforts. But of course you need to do more than that – I did a post about this some time ago. I’m not saying that this is definitely going to work in all relationships. All I can say is that it worked for us when our relationship got into a no sex phase.

    Marie, you make a good point about interest and respect. I have certainly made sure I keep up my interest and respect for my wife so I would hope that she would never have to look elsewhere for that.

  10. Square1 says:

    Oh ed! I’m sorry that was offensive to you! I suppose I should have precluded that with a bit of a warning to those who aren’t christian. I in no way believe that people of a different faith or lack thereof can not have a fulfilling and happy marriage. Rather I really meant to reccomend it from the tack of take what info you can use and leave the rest. I in no way would ever want you to think that I think less of you for not sharing the same beliefs that I do. It’s obvious that you and Sue share many of the same values and that’s really what makes things work. I never meant for that to be taken that way. I feel utterly foolish now, and I’m so very sorry!

  11. Ed says:

    Square1, I’m not upset with you at all – no need to apologise or feel bad.
    My anger is reserved for the Marriage Today site.

  12. David says:

    My wife has had two affairs. We’ve been married for 10 years plus. We’re both Christian. The 2nd affair was from ’03-’04. The 2nd far worse than the last. Obviously everyone’s situation is different, because we’re all different. What I mean by that is that while the basic reasons for why a person has an affair seem to be the same, ie the person needed attention or something that their spouse wasn’t giving them, people’s own character or personality can make it hard for their spouse to meet their needs. My wife was raised in a family where the women wear the pants. They don’t really respect men. And it’s multi-generational. Their way of dealing with people who hurt them, whether that person realizes it or not, is to verbal extract revenge. So when my wife’s needs weren’t met, she’d lash out. It was only after the 2nd affair, maybe in ’06, that my wife admitted to this. In my family we tend to try to avoid conflict, to concede for the sake of peace. Obviously in the case of a marriage that doesn’t work that well. For my part, I see my part in my wife’s affairs, but she also made the statement that she had the right to have affairs during the 1st year of our marriage. Fundamentally I didn’t meet her needs. I’ve learned since about love languages. I didn’t really work on myself to meet my wife’s needs until, ironically and unbeknownst to me, she began her 2nd affair. But, by her own words I was meeting her needs while she was having the affair. I had to search within myself to remember the things that were important to her and then figure out why it was difficult for me to make them a priority. Once I was able to figure that out and resolve my own issues with meeting her needs, actually meeting her needs was no longer that difficult. When spouses have different love languages, it’s hard for them to meet each other’s needs in the way that the other can receive.

    I hope that what I’ve added here makes a difference to someone. Committing adultery is very painful and destructive. That’s why God specifically gave a commandment on adultery. As for my wife and I, I don’t know if we’re going to recover from this 2nd affair. We’re 3 years beyond it and the level of mistrust is so deep!!!!

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