I’m not a huge fan of porn. I might look at a picture if I come across it, but I prefer the real stories of blogging to images. Even videos and movies, while somewhat entertaining and arousing, are not things that I’m prone to indulge in. I had a frind bootleg a couple of 80’s porn movies for me and they are still around here somewhere, but it’s just not what I do on a regular basis. I actually like Playboy for the articles!LOL! I actually did date a woman who liked porn and liked reading Playboy, back when I did have a subscription years ago. It was cool watching videos with her simply because she got SO turned on! She loved all things having to do with movies and pornos were one of those genres where she could actually sort of “get into the role”, I guess, and pretend that she was in the movie or something. I was all too happy to costar and be her John Holmes, if that’s what it took to make her happy! So I’m also not judging anyone who *is* into it.
And then, I discovered this site. Omigosh. Maybe I should put a banner on my blog or something. I’m still working on updating the blogroll, but Alex has made some previous posts about what he calls “The Look.” I have no idea what he’s talking about, specifically, but if there was a “look” that did it for me, it would be found here. (Not exactly work friendly) My goodness, this site got my blood up. Even just the stills registered a rise in heart rate, and then actually seeing a sample video or two completely did me in. And of course, me being me, I had to ask; why? Why is this hooking me so strongly?
For one thing, it has to be the total intimacy involved in the total vulnerability. Second, I can actually watch from strangers something that I’ll probably never see with my wife. That alone is worth the price of admission. Even when she has something akin to an orgasm, all the lights are off and she is grabbing me in such a manner as to close off my airway and circulation. There is something that really gets to me about seeing someone else experience that release. It’s hard to describe it as joy, though. Beautiful Agony is a good description. Being amateurs, these folks are not feigning happy bliss for my (or anyone elses) sake, but they all register intensity. This is in contrast to porn where you know these folks are getting paid to…erm…act. One always wonders how much of what the female stars are doing is acting and if any of it is real. The guys, well, that is pretty obvious thanks to the infamous “money shots.”
That, and the sounds. The sound can be intense, as Bliatz demonstrated with her audio escapades. There is an intimacy there, that is truly inspiring in many ways. For me, there is some sadness that goes with it, but it is nice to experience that momwent, even vicariously. As Beautiful Agony demonstrates, the major organ of interest here, is the face paired with the sounds. The body parts are body parts. The face is the story teller.
And maybe that’s why I’m hooked in, as I really and truly do like other people’s stories. The true ones, not the fictions. Alex is a prime case in point. He is a decent fiction writer, but I tend to simply skim over those stories and read the true accounts even if they are not particularly spicy. The folks on the blogroll are living stories and as such are true inspirations. That’s why I like the true accounts; they inspire me. And maybe by watching other people orgasm, it will inspire me to share and be shared with.
Maybe it’s just me. Now that it comes to me, I realize that even while giving me a handjob, Arwyn doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t watch. She has to listen and feel, afterall the act itself requires her physical presence. She did comment once that it was kind of neat to see that she was able to do that for me. But I also think she finds the intimacy factor a bit overwhelming.
I think this is the saddest bit about it all. That I’m looking to get deeper and she’s already way in over her head and is gasping for air. I would love it if she had a blog or journal that I could read and get to know her better. She does read books about autism, diet and a few other things and I do read them simply because I’m interested in knowing what she knows. I want to know what she feels and how she feels. Which is why being inside of her is such a special thing. The sex act, itself, is the ultimate of intimacy. I want to know and be known on all levels. But I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process.
And that’s where the trouble is. Arwyn is hurt sometimes by what I say, think and do. I really don’t like hurting her and probably dislike it more than she dislikes being hurt! So that means keeping things from her, like this blog, and sharing it with strangers. I tried to keep a journal for her, and I wrote things in it, but she found many of those things painful to read.
Hmm…I see I’m going in a direction here that requires it’s own post.
to be continued…