Thank you all for the well-wishes, and a special shout out to those who came back from the past for either nostalgia or simply google-stalking me.  It’s all good….I think.  I’d like to address each and every one of you, but it is that time of the month when I need to update you on my train wreck relationship/life.

FTN wrote something about vacation sex, and while I had more sex on my vacation it was with myself since Arwyn did not go with me to visit my folks in Iowa.  She statyed behind with one of the kids while I took thwe other.  and much fun was had by all.

I will say that the post-vacation sex was pretty awesome, even while being unexpected.  Usually when I’ve been gone in the past for any period of time, she isn’t in any hurry to reconnect sexually.  And while I’m not sure she was that anxious this time, I was and it turned out to be good for both of us.  At least it seemed to be as good for her as it was for me.  There was a certain passionate steam that she built up that was pretty awesome that I haven’t seen in a long time.  Maybe I should get a job as a trucker or something, if being away helps this much!

We’re slated to re-start counseling in a week, and I have no idea where we are going to go with it.  While the latest sex was hot, the overall relationship is not really moving along that much.  I’m not fighting, complaining, whining or struggling so much but that has more to do with a certain amount of acceptance and resignation on my part.  I sometimes feel bad about the sex I wish I was having and am not having, but I’m also thankful for the sex I might not otherwise be having that I am.  Yes, I could have chosen a different woman, but I didn’t and I thank God for the wife he gave me.  I’m too old to be woman-hopping.

I also need to thank God that Arwyn wasn’t as picky in her choice as she probably wishes she had been!  And she did have a number of other suitors pursuing her back in the day.

So I have mellowed out overall which probably explains the dearth of blog posts this past year.  I don’t really see why I would change unless things took a dramatically new direction.

Other issues…

My weight is totally creeping back up again.  I suppose I could go back to blogging my weight again and kill what little readership I have left!

I’m still off the smokes except for the 3 I had back in Iowa.  That was not so good.  For the most part, I don’t think about it, but when I do there is a pretty loud mental chatter that happens to try to entice me back.  Those things are SO seductive and cruel!

Speaking of which, (or not) no new things on the chastity theme.  I still like reading about it and it would be fun to do with my wife if she was game but since she’s not, the cage stays in the bathroom drawer.

Spiritual thoughts:

FTN did mention something about reading NT Wright and I ended up picking up a couple of his books.  Surprised by Hope is pretty good.  I do regularly attend Sunday school at the Methodist church but not so much the worship service.  We’re in the midst of changing pastors at the moment, but since I’ve not been so plugged in I’m not so affected as much as the rest of the congregation.  I also found and began reading True Believer by Eric Hoffer.  It’s all about mass movements and has special relevance to the way things are going today, even though this was written almost 50 years ago.  I don’t subscribe to everything he says, but it is all worth thinking about.

More to the point of the spiritual theme, God is most definitely involved in my life in many ways and on many levels.  I’m not going into great details, but sometimes things get to a point where the constellation of circumstances becomes too complex to be explained by random chance or anything short of some sort of cosmic conspiracy.  Stuff just happens.

So coming up for next month we have more counseling, Arwyn’s birthday and our wedding anniversary!  Any of these might make for more interesting blog fodder.  Stay tuned!

So What?

It has been a little while since I updated as there has not been a lot to talk about. While it has been relatively drama free it has also been relatively thrill-free, if you catch my meaning. We’ve been doing the counseling bit about every other week and the “accountability” factor of that has faded away. Arwyn went on a 4 week “Daniel Fast” and I guess sex was on the list of forbidden things. And now we’re into lent, so I’m pretty sure she’s going off sex for that, too.

There was one interlude/incident in there. It was around Valentine’s Day, of all times. V-Day itself wasn’t much to talk about. I did get Arwyn a card and a new computer moniter, which she should have gotten around Christmas but someone from UPS stole it. She did nothing for the day…not even a card. But I wasn’t expecting much at all and so the day passed in typical fashion for us, which s to say not much romance in the air. But early the next morning, I woke up to her rummaging around…locking the door and basically getting naked. Then she climbed into bed and actually got under the covers with me and snuggled right up on me wrapping her arms and legs around me.. It was a really nice way to wake up! I can not remember the last time she woke me up that way, but I was sure to express my appreciation and again during the next counseling session.

Our counseling sessions typically begin with him asking us to name anything the that we noticed that one spouse did to strengthen the relationship. So Arwyn typically names something that I did and I name something she did. Sometimes I have a really, really hard time coming up with anything even when we haven’t met for 2 weeks. I know he is going to ask this question so I am constantly looking for stuff. And I find I am having to dig really really deep to come up with anything. Last session, I was reduced to praising her for doing all the laundry. It was the only thing I could find! If she had made even one meal for me, I would have had something better. It sounded lame, no matter how good of a spin I tried to put on it. “Well, it just helps me to have the week started off right by having all of my clothes clean and not having to worry about it.” It was hard even sounding half way enthusiastic. That’s not necessarily all about it being her fault for not doing anything as it is me not seeing and appreciating it so much. After we exchanged ideas of how the other one strengthened our relationship, we moved on to how we might have done something harmful or when we screwed up. This was a lot easier for me and seemed more difficult for Arwyn.

Arwyn did buy the DVD of Fireproof over a month ago. She watched it as soon as she bought it and then I watched it later. I believe the movie might have been panned by some other neighborhood critics and there is some justification for that, especially if you are looking for a Hollywood movie. However, this thing was shot and made in Albany, Georgia with a cast of total amateurs. Kirk Cameron was the sole Hollywood actor, and I’m probably not the only one who thought the rest of the cast probably out-acted him. His leading lady, who also doubled as a make-up artist, did a fine job as well as the rest of his co-stars. But one spin-off from the movie is the book The Love Dare which Arwyn also bought at the same time as she bought the movie. This did get a mention (by me) in a counseling session as a positive move, but that was it. She either hasn’t read the book or read it and hasn’t decided to do anything in it. I haven’t read it, but then I’m also not the one who spent money on it. I suppose I could read it and do all the stuff in there, which is what I’m sure Arwyn would very much like. I’ve ran into a lot of people (mostly women) who have bought the book hoping that their spouses would read it! IMHO, that totally defeats the purpose and the spirit of the exercise. If you don’t want to do it, fine. But don’t waste money buying a program for someone else that you aren’t willing to do. And this is pretty consistent with Arwyn’s M.O., where she knows what she wants ME to do while not necessarily investing a lot in our relationship or at least as far as I can see.

Sounds pretty negative, doesn’t it? Thing is, the counseling has taken us to a certain point and now we’re just sort of hanging out there and not moving forward. We’re pretty close to not doing it any more as we’re stalled and childcare is about to be an issue again.

What else?

I’m still smoke free and haven’t thought about it much for a few months. But I could pick one up today and totally enjoy it.

The weight is a big battle, still. I’m at 207, give or take a pound so those skinny pants I bought last year are pretty snug. I’m not sure how I’m going to get back on track with that.

Money-wise, we are in great shape or in the best shape we’ve ever been in. Job is decent, the kids seem healthy so things are okay. I’m not complaining, which is probably why I’m not posting so much!

Just some New Year’s Thoughts…

I saw a question on the christian Nympos blog that really perked my ears up where a guy asked how he can tell whether or not his future wife will be a Christian nympho:

Since I’m not supposed to have premarital sex, how can I tell if a woman will be responsive on a regular basis after marriage?

How does one find out if a girl is sexually healthy, active and willing to experiment with out sleeping with her?

Of course I did comment and you can read the edited version of it on their website. It was edited, because I included a link to my own site weighing in on the topic with considerably more detail.

I feel kind of bad about that link being stripped out, but I also sort of know why they did it, since many of those things can not be known until after one actually has sex, and having sex outside of marriage is wrong. But with just a bit more investigation, it is apparent that while their site may be a great help to many, they really are not too interested in being an open community. No trackbacks or even links to commentors own blogs. And that makes me feel a bit bad for the guys who are asking questions over there, because those women are mostly there to help and support other women. Oh well. Keeping folks like that on the RSS is just an act of frustration. Good resource but women like my wife have absolutely no interest in a site like that.

I’m rereading the Schnarch book, as the insights gained there were so key to the progress Arwyn and I made last year. It enabled me to not be so defensive and handle the rejection better which eventually began to help her move in a more positive direction. While the therapy sort of jumpstarted things and brought some accountability to bear, we have not managed to get to any real depth in almost a year.

This past year, I did manage to meet some important goals:
1. We did break the 2 year sex drought and intimacy went forward before it slid back.
2. I got my weight down to a low of 187 before gaining back to 207 Still working on it.
3. The weight gain was largely caused by quitting smoking. Smoke free since July.
4. Other than the house, we are Debt Free!
5. I’m playing solidly in the standard level in Stepmania
6. Still on Supaeasy on FoF (which will work with any PC compatible guitar controller)

So, much progress has been made over the last 12 months, it will still take a lot of work to maintain these things. I could light a cigarette today and still enjoy it. And the weight creep and debt creep are constant threats. But the intimacy battle is the big one.
2009? Who knows? I like the idea of continuing to reinvent myself in new ways and become a better me. None of these things would have happened without God providing the means, the strength and the grace to follow through. Only God knows the plans He has for me and it is going to be an adventure no matter what.

Hoping the best for all of you in 2009!

Fun Things to Do

Arwyn and the boys were out of town, and I had the place to myself for almost the whole week, Monday-Friday. They got back Friday afternoon and I was really glad to see them. But it was also nice to have a week where I could do whatever I wanted. And I really did have fun.

- 1 bottle of wine (That took a coule of days)
- 1 6 pack of beer (As a tribute to the first Republican VP candidate…also took 2 days)
- 1 gallon of ice cream. Butter Pecan + chocolate almond. That took less time than either of the alcoholic beverages
- 1 pound dark chocolate M&Ms
- 1/2 pound cashews
- 3 rented DVDs (American Pie Wedding, Jurassic Park 3, 300)
- Catching up on other’s blogs and commenting – while buck naked
- Getting my blog traffic back up by starting a flame war
- NOT smoking
-Rode a couple miles on the bike

Looking at this list, it’s pretty clear that I tend toward being self-destructive and excess when she and the kids are away. But I also did do some bike riding and didn’t smoke, which is good. The smoking bit was actually really, really hard which is probably why I indulged in other various vices. But Arwyn does help me be a better person and want to be a better person. By the end of the third day, I was ready for her and the boys to come home. It was a nice break, but I’m glad its over too. It was like a mini-vacation which made me appreciate what I have even more.

And you can only imagine the weight gain this week. Egad, I have some serious work to do right through the holidays to make up for this one!
D.

198.4

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Yep, that’s what the scale read last weekend when I stepped on it. I knew that my weight had crept up over the summer and could feel tightness in the waist and my knees were starting to protest. It is high time to get back on the program.

There are several reasons for the weight gain. One is the gain associated with travel and eating junk on the road and then relatives being alarmed at my new skinniness and determined to fatten me up. After we got back, the bad habits sort of continued on as the quality of my foods declined while the quanity increased. Arwyn’s home made carrot cake actually has a decent amount of fiber in it but the cup of sugar and cup of fat kind of negate most of that. And the ice cream we put on top of it definitely didn’t help my cause.

Ah, Arwyn’s birthday! I’ll take a pit stop on the weight treadmill and get into that for a minute. I did not give her my 20 list, and opted for a sentimental card and handwrote some sentimental thoughts in my own screechy-scrawly handwriting. I also got her a $25 gift card for iTunes so she could get songs for her mp3 player. Unfortunately I had no idea Apple’s DRM would make getting the songs from her computer to her non-over-priced iPod player more difficult. I found a way to do it after much frustration. APPLE, YOU SUCK! I used to be a Mac person and didn’t have a lot against Apple until this crap. If I hadn’t found a way around it, it would have rendered the iTunes card worthless! Next time we get online music, it will be through Amazon, ThankYouVeryMuch!

We also went out to her favorite restaurant for lunch where she could get her favorite streak.

After all this (Cake, cards, gift card, defeating the evil DRM) and making it as restful of a day as possiblr for Arwyn, she was angling for some more stuff. There were a couple of CD’s she wanted, but I was trying to make sure we had enough money to get through payday. I was a bit put off by her angling for more. Yeah, I know what she really wanted was a new digital camera, but I couldn’t afford to buy one without going into more debt. We just finished a 3,000 mile 3 week vacation! That plus the car insurance was due…we did real good staying totally afloat this month. So I was not keen to buy more stuff. While she sort of seemed to understand she also seemed a bit pouty. Sorry.

Back to the weight treadmill…

A year ago, I was determined to lose a bunch of weight and I did it. But there was a bit of cheating going on in that I was smoking regularly the whole entire time. So while I was eating healthy and exercising and shedding pounds, I was also feeding my addiction. Part of my big weight was from trying to quit the year before. I was successful for quite a while (about 10 months or so) but gained on top of being already overweight until I was obese! So this time, I went down to my pre-nonsmoking weight of 220, and then kept on going. In the back of my mind I knew I wanted to make another run at getting rid of the addiction. I was sick and tired of behaving like an addict, hiding my habit from my wife and kids. Arwyn knew and made it known that she didn’t like it one bit. But she didn’t nag me terribly about it, she might just make coughing noises from across the house when she heard me come in from the garage or make a production of turning on all the fans when I came in from outside after a smoke.

So, the vacation was prime time to quit smoking. I made great strides until we got to my parents’ house and then was at it for a few days, but lighter. But once we got back, I’ve been smoke free. I have this $50 gum that I chew after meals when I’m really jonesing, but otherwise it has been cold turkey. It has not been easy at all. I miss those bloody things, believe it or not. Going back would be easier than gravity. But I’m making a real go of it. And I’m going to try to keep my weight from blowing up while I’m at it. So I’m back to the step mat, and some controlled eating (although not quite as radical as before) and this time without the smokes. And without substantial support from Arwyn. It was that way with the weight loss, too, even though she has expressed some appreciation of being able to wrap her legs all the way around me when we’re in the missionary position. I quite like that, too! But it has not happened since the night we got back from vacation. It’s not all on her, as I’ve been busy and not made it easy to initiate with me. And our joint therapy appointment was cancelled this week because we couldn’t get the childcare thing arranged.

But I wouldn’t say we’re doing badly as much as we are in a holding pattern while life starts to take over. We really could use a date night away from the house and kids.

Would my 20 things list be better suited to an anniversary card? That’s coming up pretty soon.

D.

Re-Tooling the 20 List

You guys are pretty awesome. Seriously, there have been times when I was contemplating something and floated it up here and you guys were able to steer me in a better direction with your feedback. And if it only happens a once per year, it still makes this whole blogging lark worth it.

I thought deeply about about this list-making exercising and about what the counselor was driving at the other day. The first half of the session we talked about our vacation. The fact that we visited with our families provided him some rich fodder for getting into all the family dynamic things he’s so into. I really dislike this particular therapeutic orientation. I can spend hours and days discussing my relationship with my dad and his relationship to my mother, but in the end I need to live my own life and he has to live his. Dad can not fix me any more than I can fix him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, insight and all that. I get it, but it is a backwards approach. Instead of front loading my relationship with my parents and interpreting my relationship with my wife through that filter, I’d rather look at my relationship with my wife and then see what issues from my past that uncovers or resolves. Working on the past in the present instead of working on the present from the past.

Back to the list, the idea is to consider things that she either does or has done in the past that I really liked. As an alternative, the article that came with it said a guy could look at what he got from an affair in order to list things that were done that had value. That’s where the second (and more complete at the time) list came from. The problem with all of those lists was that they were very dry as lists are prone to be. There needed to be more meaning attached to this exercise.

The therapist did spend some time drilling me about what it was that I appreciated about Arwyn. He basically seemed to be driving at what Cat was commenting on. Why the heck am I so hung up on getting physical with her? I needed to re-frame my list in a more positive way that would infuse it with a lot more meaning. I’ve also been thinking about making her birthday card more meaningful by being more positive.

So here is the new list:

20 things that she does for me and how it makes me feel when she does (or did) them.

1. I liked when she used to make love to me when she couldn’t sleep…I would wake up as she was pulling my underwear off.- It made me feel like I was irresistible, desired, wanted and craved like pistachio mint ice cream on a hot summer day.

2. I came home and she greeted me at the door wearing nothing but a T-shirt and and a smile – it made me feel welcomed and desired

3. Every time she wore silky, lacy sexy lingerie – it made me feel like I was worthy of being won over and seduced.

4. Every time she ever let me perform oral sex on her – it made me feel like she trusted me and welcomed me into her most precious and intimate area.

5. Every time she ever performed oral sex on me – it made me feel like she accepted me physically for exactly who I am and was eager to have me in the most intimate of ways.

6. Every time she ever let me touch, stroke, knead and kiss her breasts – it made me feel like she was allowing me to fulfill the command in Proverbs 5:18-19 and I was able to delight in the wife of my youth

7. Every time she ever made me my favorite food – it made me feel like like she enjoyed and delighted in my happiness

8. Every time she smiles and laighs at my jokes – she makes me feel like I can make her happy

9. Every time she ever opens her mouth for a long, slow, deep kiss – it makes me feel like I am someone worthy of her passion and hunger. It also affirms my efforts to quit smoking in the most powerful way possible while sometimes making me feel somewhat guilty and convicted when I do smoke.

10. Everytime she has reached down between my legs and stroked me it makes me feel like she values my manhood, enjoyment and passion intimately. My desire is accepted and appreciated.

11. Whenever we make love I feel like I am accepted and desired and welcomed inside of her as the man in her life as husband and wife.

12. When we embrace in bed and I hear her breathing in my ear it comforts and relaxes me while turning me on.

13. Whenever we have taken a shower together and we wash each other’s most intimate areas, it makes me feel like she wants to play with me in an adult and intimate way.

14. Whenever she has let me touch her in a way that turns her on sexually it makes me feel like she is comfortable with letting me share in her own intimate enjoyment and arousal.

15. Whenever she lets me see her naked, even if she’s just changing clothes it reassures me that she is comfortable with me and unashamed of me.

16.Whenever she engaged with me in chastity cage play I felt like she valued my manhood in a way that she wanted to cherish and keep me all to herself. That my manhood was valued and precious to her and that she also valued my arousal and appreciated having my full and complete attention fixed on her whether I am with her or away.

17. Whenever she thanks me with a kiss, it makes me feel proud and appreciated

18. Whenever she reads a sexually-themed book that I’ve read, or am reading, it affirms to me her interest in investing in that aspect of our lives and that she’s interested in learning more about me and herself in that way

19. Whenever we’ve ever engaged in mutual oral pleasure at the sametime (69) I’ve felt the deepest and most intimate of spiritual, physical and emotional connections ever. It is an affirmation of the ultimate comfort that we can have with each other’s most intimate body parts.

20. Whenever she curls up besides me and spoons me or we curl up and she lets me spoon her while just watching TV or talking, it affirms her comfort with me physically and comforts, warms and relaxes me.

21. Everytime she ever initiates any inimate physical contact, it helps me feel more bonded to her physically and emotionally.

22. When we can discuss our sexual issues without arguing and fighting, it makes me feel safe enough to be more emotionally available.

23. When she sacrifices to save money, it makes me feel like she is invested in our future together and our family’s security.

As you can see, the list is complete, and then some. I wanted flexibility to add a couple more to make 25 or take off a couple that don’t work. The idea, in any case is to express more of my feelings behind the things she does, she did or that I want her to do beyond “it just feels good.” Many of these things she has only done once or twice. Some things she does more often. And there might be an item or two she might not ever have done, but I’m trying to convey how meaningful things are to me.

So am I on the right track? How would you feel if you got something like this in a birthday card?

D.

203.8

The number in the title does no justice to the twisted journey it took to get there.  I’m chomping at the bit to get below 200 and so have been breaking certain rules.  One of them is weighing myself more than once per week.

At one point,  was down to 201.8.  Hey, hey!  I was feeling pretty good at that point!

But then we went on an overnight road trip.  Which means no exercise and eating out.  I tried being good.  Really.  But a couple of fast food sandwiches and fries later (I thought the Diet Cokes would offset–no dice) I got home and step on the old scale and it reads 207.2!

YOUCH!

I spent the day mowing the lawn AND stepping for at least an hour. And eating salad.

Fiber is my best friend.

There’s one other resolution that has been going, going gone, and that has been the whole smoking thing.  I’ve not been doing so well the past month, gradually getting back into it all over again.  So I’ll have to get out of it all over again.  I feel like I’m trying to fight a war on too many fronts at the moment.  I’m sticking to the weight/exercise thing because, well, there’s some cash on the line.  There is with smoking too, but that isn’t quite as direct.  It’s a slow, gradual thing so I’ll have to think about some way of keeping score with that and get motivated again.

But there’s just something about a good smoke after an intense workout, you know?

No?

I guess that’s just me.   Or maybe if they had smoking areas at the gym they’d get a lot more members.

D.

An Update on Lots of Things

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here.

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

 

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

 

D.

 

The last of the vacation updates

date: 06/21/2007

 

 

Sad, funny and pathetic.

 

 

This is how I would describe the intimacy Arwyn and I have.

 

 

When we go on vacation to our families, our sleeping arrangements are a bit altered e.g. NORMAL. The inverted position less common, although she did resort to that here at the cabin on the lake. We tend to go to bed closer to the same time and get up at the same time or closer to it.

 

 

The upside is that I do get more sleep. The downside is that it is all too easy to highlight the pathetic nature of our physical intimacies or lack thereof. I like to snuggle, especially in the morning. Plus I’m not against groping around even if naked fooling around isn’t possible or on the menu. A host of intimacies can be shared just by caressing, touching and exploring surreptitiously under blankets even with kids or parents close by.

 

 

But not with Arwyn. As I move my hand around, she is deftly blocking and redirecting my hands. This morning I decided to be much more aggressive than usual since I’ll be heading back to Iowa for a few days and will meet up with her and the boys later for the final leg of the vacation back to Georgia.

 

I walked up her shorts and explored a bit with my hand. She was fairly tolerant of me being around her backside as long as I didn’t get around her crack at all. But I would occasionally push things a bit and the slapping/pushing/redirecting of my hands would commence.

 

 

But her breasts are definitely the most guarded and precious area of all. Getting anywhere near a breast resulted in some almost wild gyrations and pushing. I persisted a bit more than usual and it was an almost comical display of her defensiveness. Almost comical. Almost. If it weren’t so sad and pathetic how doggedly and viciously the woman defends her breasts against the touches of her husband. That’s not the attitude of one who is in love or really has anything less than contempt and distrust.

 

In all fairness, my advances were more in jest than love. I was in the mood for some fun and it was at her expense. I knew she was not up for this sort of thing, but I pushed anyway. This is probably not going to make her more open to my touch anytime soon. But probably not less, either. I basically took a more confrontational approach, or as much of one as the time and space allowed. We weren’t going to have a knock-down drag-out on the hide-a-bed in this little cabin with her dad and the boys right there. So basically we had this silent little pathetic half-fight going on.

 

 

I finally tired of this and got up and dressed and packed. After saying good bye to Arwyn, the boys and my father-in-law, I made the 5 hour drive south.

 

 

FFFFRRRREEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMMM!

 

 

That’s how I felt, anyway. I even bought a pack of smokes. Okay, not good, but I had already bought a pack just before we left during the pretrip hostilities.

 

 

 

06/27/2007

 

 

I’m back. We (me) drove straight through and made it back in 19.5 hours, which included potty stops too numerous to mention and only one such accident. I’ll take a potty accident any day to one with traffic. At least my insurance rates won’t go up!

 

The trip back was fairly uneventful. Not a lot of talking, mainly because the kids were right there. There were times I wished we had some sort of plexiglass shield to lower between us and them. The boys do get along well, and most of the noise was the two of them playing happily with each other but it was still loud-ish. I can discuss many things with Arwyn, with religion being the favorite and politics being slightly less so as she doesn’t keep up. We can discuss relationships as long as they are other people’s.

 

And so it was we were able to talk a bit more about her dad.

 

 

I had a chance to briefly meet her 72 year-old dad’s girlfriend who happens to be all of 43. Arwyn is 45. This did not at all go over well with her. At all.

 

 

This girl is very attractive and built! I found myself sort of rooting for him. He is still waiting for his second divorce to be final, but says he is not at all interested in getting remarried. Famous last words.

 

 

We talked about how Arwyn felt her dad was being taken advantage of. I pointed out that he was most probably getting something out of this relationship and Arwyn said she didn’t think it was a fair trade. And therein lies the problem.

 

 

Arwyn doesn’t understand or appreciate the value of what this younger woman is giving her dad. At 43, she’s no spring chicken but she still looked very good. Arwyn attaches little or no value to sex, so she doesn’t see how her dad would be silling to spend some money towards wining and dining this gal for that. Arwyn also underestimates the validation the younger gal offers her dad in the way of looking up to him, respecting him and simply acting like she is attracted to him. This is the thing a lot of older women do not get. They devalue admiration and affection and then wonder why their men leave or why they can’t find one.

 

 

So I pointed out that I couldn’t blame her dad for not wanting to be with the blue hairs his own age. The ones who want to complain about their various ailments, who want to gossip and who simply don’t want to have fun have nothing to offer him. She agreed to that, and I’m sure she made no connection between herself and the blue hairs. Fact is, Arwyn likes to do some things, but she constantly complains about some physical ailment and her sexless attitude is decidedly post-menopausal.

 

 

All is not so fresh and lovely in her dad’s dealings, tho. He picked up this girl at the same place he picked up his 2nd wife; at his AA meetings. This is known as “13 stepping” where the recovering drunks pick each other up. On one hand, I can understand his point about being with someone else in recovery. It helps to have a common background and a common experience. Everyone has some form of dysfunction they are either doing or recovering from. My problem with AA is that they are so fixed on the alcohol they lose sight of the rest of their psychopathologies at times. So while this younger woman shares a history of alcohol abuse with Arwyn’s dad, there’s 40 years of other experiences and histories that she does NOT share. There’s a lot of other things surrounding that one behavioral topography of drinking.

 

 

Arwyn has some issues surrounding the concept of this younger gal becoming her step-mom. And that does sound like a ridiculous concept. Whoever heard of a stepmom being younger than the kids? At that point, the whole “step mom” concept just doesn’t work, even in a paradigm like Cinderella where she is evil. When the kids are adults and themselves parents, the whole stepmom concept doesn’t work. The woman simply becomes “Dad’s 3rd wife” or something similarly nonthreatening or loaded. I also would not recommend “Daddy’s Little Golddigger” at least in front of him.

 

D.

 

 

Emotional Needs: Admiration

Finally!  The conclusion of this series on the completed Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  Stay tuned for some drama on this thing.  I’ve been avoiding it but can do so no more.

 

Unless I can find a way to confront while also avoiding.  Maybe a letter or an email…

 

 

Harley defines admiration as respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often.  I rate my need for admiration on the 0-6 scale at a 4, which is somewhat of a great need.  Not as high as affection or sex, but it is a definite emotional need of mine.  When thinking about how often, I think! 1x a day shouldn’t be asking too much.  Is it?  If my indicated frequency is not met, it makes me feel somewhat unhappy.  Certainly unappreciated.

 

When I rate Arwyn’s level of admiration for me, I give it a -1 on the -3 to +3 scale.  I’m a little dissatisfied and this is because there is more contempt that comes across than anything.  I’ve been using my blogger version of this site to talk a bit about one of my other self-growth endeavors which is weight loss and exercise.  Instead of supporting and admiring my efforts at losing weight, eating better, quitting smoking and working out, she has been negative and complaining.  She hates the DDR music because it is oriented towards the fast dance genre with a severely heavy beat.  So she complains about the music being too loud or will stay on the computer longer or put the boys on it so I can’t use it to work out.  She’s been a scoffer since I ordered the dance pad.

 

She spent years complaining about my smoking and cited that as the reason she didn’t want any deep kissing and a turn-off from sex.  Both patent lies. 

 

So my self-improvement gains have been despite Arwyn’s attitude and not because of her support or admiration.

 

I think I’m ready for another Stepmania update where I’ll extend this just a bit more.

 

Actually there might be one more entry on this series, as I do have to rate my top 5 emotional needs.  And there’s one that I have that didn’t even make Harley’s list.  But I’ll let y’all guess on that for awhile.  Plus that gives me another excuse to avoid some confrontation.

 

D.