203.8

The number in the title does no justice to the twisted journey it took to get there.  I’m chomping at the bit to get below 200 and so have been breaking certain rules.  One of them is weighing myself more than once per week.

At one point,  was down to 201.8.  Hey, hey!  I was feeling pretty good at that point!

But then we went on an overnight road trip.  Which means no exercise and eating out.  I tried being good.  Really.  But a couple of fast food sandwiches and fries later (I thought the Diet Cokes would offset–no dice) I got home and step on the old scale and it reads 207.2!

YOUCH!

I spent the day mowing the lawn AND stepping for at least an hour. And eating salad.

Fiber is my best friend.

There’s one other resolution that has been going, going gone, and that has been the whole smoking thing.  I’ve not been doing so well the past month, gradually getting back into it all over again.  So I’ll have to get out of it all over again.  I feel like I’m trying to fight a war on too many fronts at the moment.  I’m sticking to the weight/exercise thing because, well, there’s some cash on the line.  There is with smoking too, but that isn’t quite as direct.  It’s a slow, gradual thing so I’ll have to think about some way of keeping score with that and get motivated again.

But there’s just something about a good smoke after an intense workout, you know?

No?

I guess that’s just me.   Or maybe if they had smoking areas at the gym they’d get a lot more members.

D.

An Update on Lots of Things

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here.

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

 

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

 

D.

 

The last of the vacation updates

date: 06/21/2007

 

 

Sad, funny and pathetic.

 

 

This is how I would describe the intimacy Arwyn and I have.

 

 

When we go on vacation to our families, our sleeping arrangements are a bit altered e.g. NORMAL. The inverted position less common, although she did resort to that here at the cabin on the lake. We tend to go to bed closer to the same time and get up at the same time or closer to it.

 

 

The upside is that I do get more sleep. The downside is that it is all too easy to highlight the pathetic nature of our physical intimacies or lack thereof. I like to snuggle, especially in the morning. Plus I’m not against groping around even if naked fooling around isn’t possible or on the menu. A host of intimacies can be shared just by caressing, touching and exploring surreptitiously under blankets even with kids or parents close by.

 

 

But not with Arwyn. As I move my hand around, she is deftly blocking and redirecting my hands. This morning I decided to be much more aggressive than usual since I’ll be heading back to Iowa for a few days and will meet up with her and the boys later for the final leg of the vacation back to Georgia.

 

I walked up her shorts and explored a bit with my hand. She was fairly tolerant of me being around her backside as long as I didn’t get around her crack at all. But I would occasionally push things a bit and the slapping/pushing/redirecting of my hands would commence.

 

 

But her breasts are definitely the most guarded and precious area of all. Getting anywhere near a breast resulted in some almost wild gyrations and pushing. I persisted a bit more than usual and it was an almost comical display of her defensiveness. Almost comical. Almost. If it weren’t so sad and pathetic how doggedly and viciously the woman defends her breasts against the touches of her husband. That’s not the attitude of one who is in love or really has anything less than contempt and distrust.

 

In all fairness, my advances were more in jest than love. I was in the mood for some fun and it was at her expense. I knew she was not up for this sort of thing, but I pushed anyway. This is probably not going to make her more open to my touch anytime soon. But probably not less, either. I basically took a more confrontational approach, or as much of one as the time and space allowed. We weren’t going to have a knock-down drag-out on the hide-a-bed in this little cabin with her dad and the boys right there. So basically we had this silent little pathetic half-fight going on.

 

 

I finally tired of this and got up and dressed and packed. After saying good bye to Arwyn, the boys and my father-in-law, I made the 5 hour drive south.

 

 

FFFFRRRREEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMMM!

 

 

That’s how I felt, anyway. I even bought a pack of smokes. Okay, not good, but I had already bought a pack just before we left during the pretrip hostilities.

 

 

 

06/27/2007

 

 

I’m back. We (me) drove straight through and made it back in 19.5 hours, which included potty stops too numerous to mention and only one such accident. I’ll take a potty accident any day to one with traffic. At least my insurance rates won’t go up!

 

The trip back was fairly uneventful. Not a lot of talking, mainly because the kids were right there. There were times I wished we had some sort of plexiglass shield to lower between us and them. The boys do get along well, and most of the noise was the two of them playing happily with each other but it was still loud-ish. I can discuss many things with Arwyn, with religion being the favorite and politics being slightly less so as she doesn’t keep up. We can discuss relationships as long as they are other people’s.

 

And so it was we were able to talk a bit more about her dad.

 

 

I had a chance to briefly meet her 72 year-old dad’s girlfriend who happens to be all of 43. Arwyn is 45. This did not at all go over well with her. At all.

 

 

This girl is very attractive and built! I found myself sort of rooting for him. He is still waiting for his second divorce to be final, but says he is not at all interested in getting remarried. Famous last words.

 

 

We talked about how Arwyn felt her dad was being taken advantage of. I pointed out that he was most probably getting something out of this relationship and Arwyn said she didn’t think it was a fair trade. And therein lies the problem.

 

 

Arwyn doesn’t understand or appreciate the value of what this younger woman is giving her dad. At 43, she’s no spring chicken but she still looked very good. Arwyn attaches little or no value to sex, so she doesn’t see how her dad would be silling to spend some money towards wining and dining this gal for that. Arwyn also underestimates the validation the younger gal offers her dad in the way of looking up to him, respecting him and simply acting like she is attracted to him. This is the thing a lot of older women do not get. They devalue admiration and affection and then wonder why their men leave or why they can’t find one.

 

 

So I pointed out that I couldn’t blame her dad for not wanting to be with the blue hairs his own age. The ones who want to complain about their various ailments, who want to gossip and who simply don’t want to have fun have nothing to offer him. She agreed to that, and I’m sure she made no connection between herself and the blue hairs. Fact is, Arwyn likes to do some things, but she constantly complains about some physical ailment and her sexless attitude is decidedly post-menopausal.

 

 

All is not so fresh and lovely in her dad’s dealings, tho. He picked up this girl at the same place he picked up his 2nd wife; at his AA meetings. This is known as “13 stepping” where the recovering drunks pick each other up. On one hand, I can understand his point about being with someone else in recovery. It helps to have a common background and a common experience. Everyone has some form of dysfunction they are either doing or recovering from. My problem with AA is that they are so fixed on the alcohol they lose sight of the rest of their psychopathologies at times. So while this younger woman shares a history of alcohol abuse with Arwyn’s dad, there’s 40 years of other experiences and histories that she does NOT share. There’s a lot of other things surrounding that one behavioral topography of drinking.

 

 

Arwyn has some issues surrounding the concept of this younger gal becoming her step-mom. And that does sound like a ridiculous concept. Whoever heard of a stepmom being younger than the kids? At that point, the whole “step mom” concept just doesn’t work, even in a paradigm like Cinderella where she is evil. When the kids are adults and themselves parents, the whole stepmom concept doesn’t work. The woman simply becomes “Dad’s 3rd wife” or something similarly nonthreatening or loaded. I also would not recommend “Daddy’s Little Golddigger” at least in front of him.

 

D.

 

 

Emotional Needs: Admiration

Finally!  The conclusion of this series on the completed Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  Stay tuned for some drama on this thing.  I’ve been avoiding it but can do so no more.

 

Unless I can find a way to confront while also avoiding.  Maybe a letter or an email…

 

 

Harley defines admiration as respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often.  I rate my need for admiration on the 0-6 scale at a 4, which is somewhat of a great need.  Not as high as affection or sex, but it is a definite emotional need of mine.  When thinking about how often, I think! 1x a day shouldn’t be asking too much.  Is it?  If my indicated frequency is not met, it makes me feel somewhat unhappy.  Certainly unappreciated.

 

When I rate Arwyn’s level of admiration for me, I give it a -1 on the -3 to +3 scale.  I’m a little dissatisfied and this is because there is more contempt that comes across than anything.  I’ve been using my blogger version of this site to talk a bit about one of my other self-growth endeavors which is weight loss and exercise.  Instead of supporting and admiring my efforts at losing weight, eating better, quitting smoking and working out, she has been negative and complaining.  She hates the DDR music because it is oriented towards the fast dance genre with a severely heavy beat.  So she complains about the music being too loud or will stay on the computer longer or put the boys on it so I can’t use it to work out.  She’s been a scoffer since I ordered the dance pad.

 

She spent years complaining about my smoking and cited that as the reason she didn’t want any deep kissing and a turn-off from sex.  Both patent lies. 

 

So my self-improvement gains have been despite Arwyn’s attitude and not because of her support or admiration.

 

I think I’m ready for another Stepmania update where I’ll extend this just a bit more.

 

Actually there might be one more entry on this series, as I do have to rate my top 5 emotional needs.  And there’s one that I have that didn’t even make Harley’s list.  But I’ll let y’all guess on that for awhile.  Plus that gives me another excuse to avoid some confrontation.

 

D.

 

 

A Heavy Issue

Perhaps I’ll engage in some lighter fare, and I do need to address a couple of long-lost topics that have gotten lost amongst the..er…heavier topics.

 

Actually I do want to talk about weight, specifically mine.  My mass seems to be in a linear incline since I’ve pretty much given up the smoking.  I say “pretty much” as I have had a couple of deliberate lapses lasting over a couple of 2 day road trips.  But by and large, I’ve been good.  The smokes still have a psychological pull, as I do miss them, especially during the stressful times.

 

But weight.  Geez.  After 10 years staying at pretty 219 lbs. or so, I’ve gone up to close to 240 over the past year.  Today I found a place where I could calculate my BMI (body mass index) and I’m at 29.9!  I’m 0.1 from going from “overweight” to “obese!”

 

My knees are suffering for it.  Other systems are too, I’m sure.  So I’m watching it to make sure I at least stop the incline, which I’ve done since February.  But now I really need to get it off and this will involve some exercise.

 

I hate exercise.

 

I don’t mind doing something relatively purposeful.  For instance I still use a push mower on my 2/3 acre lawn.  Okay, it is self-propelled, but with the bagger I’m still pushing and sweating buckets in the Georgia sun.  So once a week, I have that going.  I still don’t like it much but at least it makes more sense to me than walking a track or running somewhere I don’t need to go.  But my knees don’t really like this very much.  Once a week is about as much as they’ll take of that pushing over the rough terrain that isn’t even that nice of a lawn..

 

Swimming is not something I do well, and since there’s no pool, river or lake nearby, that’s out.

 

Joining a fitness club: That totally seems like a waste of money for me.  Pointless exercise, remember?  This works for some and it is a yuppie thing to do to keep in shape.  But it’s not like a real club, with dancing girls, a pole, cigarettes and mixed drinks.

 

Plus, the idea of driving somewhere else in order to exercise just seems odd to me.  If I lived within walking distance, it wouldn’t be a big deal.  But if more of us lived within walking distance of stuff, this probably wouldn’t be an issue at all.

 

 

Yeah, there is one sort of exercise for pleasure that I could totally be into.  But my wife would sooner see me dead than do that 3x a week for 30 minutes.  “Enjoy the heart attack, Fatman!”  I can’t even get it once a month.  Or even once a year. 

 

 

 I Finally did find something that looks like it might appeal to me.  I recently read about a guy who played video games and lost a pretty significant amount of weight.  Video games?

 
You can read for yourself. 

 

If you don’t like video games, you will totally not get it.  At least this is true for Arwyn.  I approached her with the idea and she outright scoffed.  She admitted that I had gained weight, and so has she.  But the idea of video gaming it off seemed absolutely preposterous to her.  Her idea of an intense video game is spider solitaire.  I’m more of an RTS man, like Age of Empires.  But back in the ’80’s I spent vast sums of money on various video arcade games. 

 

Anyway, I’m thinking of trying to step my way into shape using Stepmania, which is the open source (and free) version of Dance Dance Revolution.  I downloaded the program and a bunch of the songs and it’s actually kind of fun to play on the keyboard.  In fact I really like it as the music is real techno-ish and is heavy, heavy on beat.  Perfect for dancing and I probably burn a few extra calories grooving around while doing it with the keyboard.  It certainly is challenging and I notice that I am getting better at following the arrows, but I still struggle with anything but the easiest of selections!

 

Fortunately, Stepmania is fully configurable, so I can adjust and tweak it enough so it isn’t overly frustrating.  I’m using version 3.9 at the moment, and it is compatible with most operating systems even PII’s with 64 Mb RAM (there’s also a Linux version for you that are Penguin friendly).   Slowing it down for a middle-aged, overweight guy like me is a must!

 

My step mat has been ordered through eBay so we’ll see how things work, shortly.  I suppose I could work a fitness/weight loss theme in here somewhere, amongst my other topics.  Blogging is a good way to help with accountability.  Sometimes.  I’ve read a couple other blogs that had weight loss as somewhat of a goal or theme, but they didn’t do very well.  The blogs were quite successful, but the weight loss– eh, not so much.

 

I’m actually getting two mats, so I can either have one at home and one at work or I can find a similarly slow, middle aged partner to compete against/play with.  It would be nice to have a partner to play with.

 D.

 

 

A word or Two About 06

I used to enjoy a good, drunken, raucous New Year’s party as much as the next person.  But as soon as I married Arwyn, those days were over.  I have since pretty much seen the New Year in alone every year, as she can not stay up that late.

 

What can I say about 2006?  In many ways, believe it or not, it was an improvement over 2005.  I began the year in a quagmire or debt and financial distress.  2007 begins with us still in debt, but finances are more manageable.  It still wouldn’t take much of a reversal to wipe us out, but we’re maintaining.  I’m putting 2.5x more into savings every month than I was a year ago.

 

Arwyn is on board with the finances at least in principle.  She is still wildly impulsive with her spending but at least seems to see the wisdom in kicking free of payments. 

 

I pretty much kicked smoking to the curb last year.  I am now more smoke free for a longer time that at any time since I began smoking.  However, I’m not sure I like the nicotine free me.  I’m even more withdrawn and isolated into myself than I was before.  I still feel the cravings and the draw towards the things.  The gamble here is that I’ll have a future that is more worth living in than leaving behind.  I have yet to fully redeem that promise.

 

My health has not improved so much, tho.  My joints seem to be falling to pieces as my weight has begun creeping.  Or maybe it just seems like I’m bigger because my mother-in-law has made more than one snide remark about my weight.  So I have some work to do in that area.

 

Professionally, I’ve grown over the past year.  This has translated partially towards making good financially but it also makes work a veritable safe haven for me.  A place where I am respected and admired and listened to and liked; all the very things that are NOT a part of my life in my house with my spouse.

 

At home, I’ve enjoyed my kids this year more as they’ve gotten older.   I haven’t spent as much time with them, but I think I’ve spent some good quality time with them.  I found that when I’m alone with them I have less problems, and things are much more relaxed.  We enjoy the simple things, like playing in the backyard, shelling and eating peanuts, or just taking out the garbage.  I wish I had more constructive things for them to do as they get older because they have a lot of energy that needs to be used and challenged.

 

Okay, the marriage; this is one area where things have NOT improved.  In fact, the deterioration has been more this year than any previous single year or maybe all previous years put together.  Arwyn has spent a lot of the year sleeping more on the couch than in our bed.  Her deciding to attend another church has been a huge wedge in one of the few remaining areas where we had agreement.  Other than the children, there isn’t a lot that we share anymore. I still love her, but sometimes dislike her.  I resent her lack of interest and investment in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how you all can read this without getting suppressed!

 

 

07 - I’ve always considered 7 to be a lucky number.  It’s certainly a Holy one.   What kind of dreams and expectations should I take with me into 07?  I’m usually not good with resolutions, as such, and usually eschew making them.  But I do need to noodle out some sort of vision. 

 

First off I have a couple of things to look forward to.  One is that after a 3 year absence, I will make a return trip to Iowa with the boys.  I’d rather Arwyn not come as she HATES the farm but it’s hard to imagine her not going.  I also have my 25th class reunion which is actually being held at a time I’ll be able to attend.  I graduated from a class of 56, so I knew everyone and look forward to seeing some of them again for the first time in 25 years. It’s good to have something to look forward to.

 

I’d like to continue the good things that are going with finances and the job and the kids.  Yeah, something needs to be done about the marriage business.  We need to decide what it is going to be between us and work towards that, one way or another.  I’d like for things to grow, blossom and flourish the way we wanted when we first got married.  But we both need to share in the same vision, similar to what we’re beginning to do with our finances.

 

 

D.

 

364

Days without intercourse

I am trying to think back. Back, back, back, back, back.

 

When was the last time I went an entire year without sexual intercourse?

 

When Arwyn was preggers with our second, she was on bed-rest from the moment of conception. Close, but no. There was some very awkward fumbling after 10.5 months, but we did have sex again.

 

Before dating Arwyn, the previous girl I had had sex with the day after Christmas. I fucked her in a new nightie I had bought her. But she wasn’t so into it and I could tell we were on a down hill slide. I moved my stuff out of her house that week. I fucked Arwyn the first time during the second week of December the next year (1994?). Very, very close there, but not quite a year. Another couple of weeks and it would have been a year.

 

Before my two year period with the old girlfriend, I had a series of short-term affairs from my first month in Georgia. My last year in Iowa I had a few women…

 

Dead Ringer. The first girl I was ever naked with but never had sex with. 1989. George H.W. Bush. The Berlin Wall was still standing. The Soviet Union was still our most feared adversary. The price of gas was about $1.00. Pee Wee Herman was the #1 children’s television show on Saturday mornings. Arsenio Hall was the coolest late-night talk show host.

 

The last time I had a dry spell this long, I was typing my thoughts on a Laser 128 (an Apple IIc clone), with 128K of RAM, no HD and everything was stored on 5.25″ floppies.

 

My sexual history didn’t even really start until I was 25 years old. I wanted to wait for the right one. I really did. I went all the way through high school and graduated college without having sexual intercourse. I was tempted and came close more than once. Sometimes the girl stopped things and sometimes it was me. But I held off longer than most people who are reading this.

 

And now, I am back to where I was 20 years ago. Living in the same house and often sleeping in the same bed as a woman who is neither my mother or my sister. We’ve seen each other naked on a few occasions in the shower. Kissed each other several times. We made two boys by joining together as one flesh. But we have not done that since Christmas Eve 2005. And that was actually a good time. There were a few attempts after that, but around February I gave up. I had finally been turned away and rejected too many times. Almost our entire 10 year marriage has been characterized by clashing libidos..

 

I want to smoke. I want a smoke SO bad. Smoking was more than a habit. I could blow smoke to express anger. I could flick ash and inhale deeply and feel the nicotine bind within my blood stream, firing off the serotonin in my brain. I could exhale smoke out my nose like an angry, snorting dragon. I was one with the fire.

 

The cigarettes were always there. Always dependable. I never had to wonder, “Am I going to get any pleasure today?” It was always one flick of the Bic away. Never further than the closest convenience store. And all the store clerks around knew who I was and what I came for.

 

I could light up over and over throughout the day. Hit after hit. Stroking my brain with masturbatory excess giving myself mini-pleasures over and over. Cigarettes were dependable. They never got pissy. They never had a period so they never had PMS. They were never too tired, too busy, too uptight, too satiated.

 

I am missing them mightily.

 

D.

 

 

Summer Simmer

While things simmer on the blogger discussions, I think I’ll do a bit of an update over here. Basically I always write off-line and then cut and paste either from work or from home. Writing and most reading is done on the PDA whenever I get a chance. So taking advantage of time otherwise spent waiting is one way I can make this blogging gig work. And it is a big gig.

Because of our orientation to each other while sleeping, small gestures of intimacy or affection are rare while Arwyn and I sleep. But when they do happen, they take an unconventional form. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I was sound asleep until I awoke to Arwyn massaging my feet. That was just too wierd because Arwyn HATES touching my feet or having anything of hers touch my feet. I think she could have been doing it in her sleep. But is was still nice all the same. Of course, when it happened there was an internal debate about what to do. Should I push it and see how far this might go? I opted to just enjoy it and went back to snoozing.

Sometimes, our oldest will get up and try to get in our bed between us. Since he orientates himself as to be aligned with Arwyn’s position, I frequently get kicked by two pairs of feet. Early, early this morning I was awakened by a leg draped across my chest and a foot right there. I held the foot, and was not exactly sure whose foot it might be. I followed the foot to the ankle to the leg and figured out that it was, in fact, Arwyn’s. So I began massaging it. This was greeting by her jerking the foot away and a swat to my hands. I stopped massaging and the foot went back to where it was, right there. I could hold the foot, but caressing and massaging were out. I know, because I tried it again.

It was another of those oddball things. I liked her touching me and me touching her, which is such a rare thing nowadays. If she makes whatever overtures, I accept them. If I try to do much more, I get greeted by a swat to my wandering hands. Such is life with a choleric wife, who is clearly too controlling to be submissive but too lazy to be dominant.

I have continued to be smoke free, totally so for days and days. I’ve even had a few glasses of wine with zero relapse, which was a big fear of mine. I thought drinking might bring on total failure and relapse. But it has not. Oh, the craving is still there. I know I could go back to smoking any second. The addiction is a strong thing and it has taken much to overcome all of the behavioral things that became a part of my enslavement for so long. I smoked every single chance I got and used it to calm myself and to psychologically soothe and relax myself. It was a form of self-medication. Ridding myself of those habits is a difficult thing. I’ve had this since 1988, and it will not die easily.

Arwyn’s presence does help with this, although she has said absolutely nothing about me quitting. I know she must know, as she used to complain about how she always smelled it on me. For the longest time, this was her excuse for not wanting to kiss me and for not ever kissing with any tongue. It was all a ruse. Endless excuses. While her approval and her behavior is not critical, central or necessary to my decision to quit smoking, I do know she is around. She may not act like it, but she is paying attention. I have always been sensitive to her and her allergies which is why I always took it outside. Ironically, she has been complaining more about having breathing problems in the past 3 weeks than ever before!

One more thing before retiring this post: Always Aroused Girl has recently made it clear that she is throwing in the towel as far as her marriage. I hope she finds all she is looking for and wish her nothing but the best in what will be a new chapter for her. But I also grieve a bit. She was someone who I saw as a female counterpart in a similar struggle as mine. Now her struggle is taking her to a different place. I hope it is a better one.

D.