October Update: New Series on the New Old Blog Edition

I’ll try to get to comments before posting this, but the most universal reaction was to Arwyn’s testimony, especially about her marrying me because she thought that is what God wanted her to do.

We have not discussed this, but perhaps we need to. But I’m not sure exactly what there is to discuss. While earlier in our relationship Arwyn did claim that she thought we were together because God intended it to be so, I was under the impression that there was also some underlying attraction toward me. But this seems to be a mistaken belief. Or if there was some sort of attraction, it was very tenuous, at best. Whatever attraction there was, it’s pretty safe to say that it was not a physical attraction. Lots of women have been attracted to me for my mind, my morals, or my sense of humor. But my looks? My body? Not too many, although there seemed to be a few who enjoyed me. At least I have those memories and I have no regrets about them. Being wanted just for my body might get old after awhile, but being stuck in a state of body-lessness gets old in a hurry too. I’m glad I have had times when I could share physical enjoyment for the joy of it instead of for some other agenda. For most of the life of this blog, that agenda was basically her doing me because she wanted me off her back or because was feeling guilty. Either way, not a lot of room for enjoyment there.

As for me, I was trying to get what I thought I had coming, or deserved or just trying to satisfy the proverbial itch. Not a ton of room for enjoyment there, either, as I was always left wondering how long it would be until we would have sex again. Counting and keeping score were all symptoms of that mindset. How long could a body play that game until they drove themselves nuts?
So the result is, is that my sex drive has decreased markedly over the past year. I don’t want to have sex with someone who would rather clean the cat litter box than be naked with me. That’s not to say it has disappeared altogether, but it’s a lot easier to scratch my own itch rather than bother with someone who is so reluctant to do it for me. If it’s that much of a chore, I’m not going to bother.

So I found another outlet, and have been blogging it, but not publishing it. I was wondering where and how, and now I know. Sensual Dementia rides again! Warning: it won’t be safe for work. Bad news for a lot of you, but my long suffering fans of kink are about to hit the jackpot.

Occupied

In my last entry, a couple of folks insinuated that I might be more into my laptop than my wife.  Hmm.  I have to think on that one.

I mean, my laptop is pretty reliable.  So far, turns on whenever I push the proper button.  In Windows, it takes awhile to warm up, but once it does, it runs pretty well.  In Linux, it turns on faster and responds quicker.

Note to whoever invents a digital robot spouse: needs to make sure that she is able to dual boot between OS platforms.

When Arwyn is so uninterested in me and resists whatever  overtures I make toward her (and not just sexual) then I’m going to find other things to occupy my time. And oddly enough, she spends as much time on the computer as I do.  In fact, I probably spend more time offline than she does because I do have other interests once the kids are in bed.  I had been watching Lost and a couple of other shows on Hulu.  I have also been reading a few books.  I also listen to a lot of podcasts and audio books.  These I do while she’s either sleeping or on the computer.

I love the internet because it is such a rich repository of knowledge.  When the tornado touched down here last year and I needed to fix the roof, I found video on Youtube on how to do it.  When I wanted to make pesto, I found the recipe and a video on Youtube on how to do it.  I’ve been trying to listen to a number of free audio books from Librivox.  Mark Twain stories go over well. Try Extracts from Adam’s Diary; hilarious!  Fannie Hill took a fair amount of time and was interesting in that different readers read different chapters.  But it is such a literary classic, everyone should read it or listen to it.  Pilgrims Progress does not go as easily and neither does Orthodoxy. But I have discovered that this is a good way to access good public domain literature while driving or doing something else where reading isn’t possible.  And I don’t know if I would go for literature any other way.

I also listen to a number of podcasts.  One of my favorite musical ones is Mark Gunn’s Irish and Celtic Music Podcasts.  It’s definitely worth checking out, even if you’re not Irish.

A while back, someone had mentioned that they were reading N.T. Wright.  I had to look him up.  Although I had heard of him, I hadn’t read him so decided I might get a book or two.  While waiting for my books, I was looking for podcasts and stumbled upon one he did with Anne Rice.

Anne Rice?  The woman who wrote about Vampires?

Yep.  That was the one.  I had no idea she had become a Christian and had been writing Christian novels/fiction.  So I got and just finished Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt. The non-Kindle version.  This is a curious book, but it is exceedingly well-written.  I recommend reading Rice’s testimony in the back of the book before reading the rest of it as it will help add a lot of the context.  Rice was raised a Catholic and returned to that flavor of faith when she was converted.  So there are more than a few influences of that in the novel.  However, there are enough things contained therein to offend pretty much anyone looking to be offended.  But if you remember that this is a work of fiction that contains a lot of research and scholarship, it should go down better which is why I recommend reading her ex[laination of how she came to write it.  You can also catch her podcast with NT Wright.

Wright writes a lot like CS Lewis, with that same sort of scholarly, English style of writing supported by the dry wit of someone who knows his material but also knows people.  I ordered two books.  I found that I sort of stalled out while reading For All God’s Worth and after 2 chapters picked up Rice’s book and read that one to completion.  But now I find I’m more easily able to handle it.  I’m also looking forward to reading Surprised by Hope.

So you see, I do have some other interests going on , in addition to considering a career change keeping and up with the boys who are each involved in different sports and activities.  And teaching Sunday School.

So I keep pretty busy with other things that function as diversions from the lack of intimacy in my marriage.  We’ve also had a hiatus from counseling for the past few weeks and I haven’t exactly missed it.

Okay, that’s enough content for the moment.  I’ll see if I can pick up the pace just a tad this summer, in between all my other stuff. Yeah, you may have noticed that blogging didn’t even make the above list of things occupying my time.

D.

The Disconnect

Here’s something I picked up from the Christian Nymphos in an interview Cinnamonsticks did with Shannon Etheridge:

*

Christian Nymphos: What are the most significant things that you see competing
with young people growing up with a healthy sexual understanding?*

Shannon Ethridge: Most teens think that if they are ever going to have good hot
sex, they’d better do it now when they are single, because once they get married
they probably won’t see much action. Where do they get that notion? From tons
of things they see in the media (frigid wives, frustrated husbands), but mainly
from their own parents’ relationship. Over 90% of teens say they don’t want a
relationship like the one their parents have, and most that I talk to insist
that their parents don’t even have sex. I usually laugh and ask, “How do you
think you got here if your parents don’t have sex?” Then they’ll acknowledge,
“Well, my parents must have had sex before, but based on how they treat each
other, I can’t imagine that they do anymore.” This is a sad report card, and a
wake up call for us parents.

To me, this perfectly captures a problem with marriage in modern times, and especially within Christian homes. There is a real disconnect between what we say we want for our kids and and what they are actually seeing from us. I can hear the song and dance espoused by church people everywhere about sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing within the committed relationship of marriage. True love is worth waiting for and yadda, yadda, yadda. Sex within marriage is WONDERFUL and WORTH WAITING FOR!

I’m sorry kids, but that is SO not true. It is a lie. It is such a blatant lie that it really and truly undermines every other thing that comes out of the church door. It makes the church a caricature of itself. Are church people really that stupid or are they deliberately just being deceptive? Because I am not seeing it in either quality or quantity. I see the potential for something much richer, but it does not seem to be playing out in real life. Or perhaps I am not old enough (and have not suffered enough) to see it realized. Of course, I’m talking about a genuine sense of trust and intimacy with regards to sexual relations.

So now I’m thinking about Proverbs chapter 7

6 For at the window of my house
I have looked out through my lattice,
7 and I have seen among the simple,
I have perceived among the youths,
a young man lacking sense,
8 passing along the street near her corner,
taking the road to her house
9 in the twilight, in the evening,
at the time of night and darkness.

10 And behold, the woman meets him,
dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart.
11 She is loud and wayward;
her feet do not stay at home;
12 now in the street, now in the market,
and at every corner she lies in wait.
13 She seizes him and kisses him,
and with bold face she says to him,
14 “I had to offer sacrifices,
and today I have paid my vows;
15 so now I have come out to meet you,
to seek you eagerly, and I have found you.
16 I have spread my couch with coverings,
colored linens from Egyptian linen;
17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh,
aloes, and cinnamon.
18 Come, let us take our fill of love till morning;
let us delight ourselves with love.
19 For my husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long journey;
20 he took a bag of money with him;
at full moon he will come home.”

21 With much seductive speech she persuades him;
with her smooth talk she compels him.
22 All at once he follows her,
as an ox goes to the slaughter,
or as a stag is caught fast
23 till an arrow pierces its liver;
as a bird rushes into a snare;
he does not know that it will cost him his life.

24 And now, O sons, listen to me,
and be attentive to the words of my mouth.
25 Let not your heart turn aside to her ways;
do not stray into her paths,
26 for many a victim has she laid low,
and all her slain are a mighty throng.
27 Her house is the way to Sheol,
going down to the chambers of death.

Okay, I’m having a problem here. If I just look at verses 13-18 alone and omit everything else– You know what? I would kind of like that sort of attention! Seriously, who would not want to be sought eagerly and be offered the best seat in the house and be invited to take our fill of love till morning? I think what makes the guy foolish is that he only hears that part and ignores the rest. But that is the siren call that lures men away. Women are under the grossly mistaken impression that when a guy is viewing porn, he is looking at a body and she has to compete for that perfect body. Those women could not be more mistaken. It is the portrayal of availability and eagerness that makes the women of prOn more attractive. A nice body doesn’t hurt, for sure. But I know guys who are married to some pretty nice looking women who have struggled with porn. The struggle didn’t exist because of their wife’s looks, it was more her attitude of unavailability. Prostitutes make the bulk of their money from married guys who are not getting certain things done at home. And a lot of these porn/prostitute consumers are Christian married men.

On our end of it, we have to struggle with the attitude of our own entitlement. Our own selfishness. This is really where I am. There has been sex here (very little), but it has been bad sex because there has been so little intimacy around it. On FTN’s Quality Sex Metric (FQSM) I scored like a 4.5 or something. It was about as low as a couple could possibly have while being naked together. Arwyn was not really into it and my own realization of that did not help matters. The lack of eagerness, the lack of responsiveness to my touch, the lack of her initiating anything resembling intimacy….it has added up to a giant FAIL around here. The therapist has been 0% help here. We have not been meeting too regularly due to childcare and scheduling issues. And when we do meet, it does not seem to be very productive. I do notice that for a Tuesday night session, Arwyn will often be somewhat receptive on a Sunday or Monday night so there is a sort of accountability factor there. But she isn’t really into sex as a recreational activity. She never really has been although I think I was fooled into thinking it was early on.

So I am in a state of not being particularly festive. I have zero interest in going to a prostitute because what I really want is a relationship. I really want sex to be part of that relationship. Why am I being led to think that that is asking too much? And what of all the kids growing up in this sort of climate? There really isn’t a good way to talk about sex (or relationships) with them without being hypocritical about the mess that we live in. That I live in.

By not wanting sex with me, Arwyn might be living more authentically than I am. Why should I want intimacy with someone who seems to find me so unattractive? It’s not just about the sex. Stand back a minute while I noodle this out…

I say I want intimacy, which I define as knowing and being known. But it is also about being valued and having my values valued in a reciprocal fashion. I’m not exactly all sure about what that sort of reciprocity would look like exactly, since the person with the lowest desire for intimacy ultimately controls it. And that person is not me. In a sense it seems as though that the only people who are going to get as much intimacy as they want are the people who have the least need and desire for it. Such an odd and unfair economy. Arwyn exhibits very little desire for intimacy from me, or at least the sort of desire I want and need. She likes my time and my acts of service, but giving those does not translate into filling any of my intimate needs. Right or wrong, sex is a big part of that marital reciprocal expectation. If asking for more intimate acts are so far removed from Arwyn’s core values, she will never make any meaningful changes in that direction and it is unfair of me to ask her to make such an accommodation. All such sex would translate into mercy sex or pity sex or guilt sex, which it seems to be the most consistent part of the sexual diet. Ar least the diet consisting of two people. A one-person diet enables me to get along, but that might be part of the problem, too. I’m getting along miserably instead of being angry and confrontational. Geez, what kind of choice it THAT?!?!

At Least the Suspense is over

football

Each year at this time, I keep wondering where things might go and I look back to where I’ve been. And by reading a lot of you, you know what I’m talking about because a lot of you are football fans. And perhaps Charlie Brown fans.

It was an enjoyable day today, overall. But I was kind of hoping for a bit…er…more. And it is mostly my fault for expecting stuff that I may have no business expecting. I mean, it’s always been this way, and I’ve always landed on my back without kicking that football. But each year I have this hope that THIS will be the year. Afterall, there have been some remarkable breakthroughs. This time last year I was in the middle of a 2 year drought. So we are already better off and two weeks isn’t all that big of a deal mostly.

I was at 196 last year and now I’m closer to 206, and going in the wrong direction! I need to get wit the program!

I got new socks (black!) shorts that were on clearance (it’s cold here in Georgia– 46 or something like that!) and some new exercise shorts. So I’ll have to make a new video or two. And Arwyn did take us out to eat to a place I’ve gotten to like the past few months for their zalads. We put the kids to bed and then it was bed time for one of us. Blog time for the other.

It’s actually bed time for me, now, but I figured I would sort of live blog here. Going to give this here couch a work out first, though.

Fun Things to Do

Arwyn and the boys were out of town, and I had the place to myself for almost the whole week, Monday-Friday. They got back Friday afternoon and I was really glad to see them. But it was also nice to have a week where I could do whatever I wanted. And I really did have fun.

- 1 bottle of wine (That took a coule of days)
- 1 6 pack of beer (As a tribute to the first Republican VP candidate…also took 2 days)
- 1 gallon of ice cream. Butter Pecan + chocolate almond. That took less time than either of the alcoholic beverages
- 1 pound dark chocolate M&Ms
- 1/2 pound cashews
- 3 rented DVDs (American Pie Wedding, Jurassic Park 3, 300)
- Catching up on other’s blogs and commenting – while buck naked
- Getting my blog traffic back up by starting a flame war
- NOT smoking
-Rode a couple miles on the bike

Looking at this list, it’s pretty clear that I tend toward being self-destructive and excess when she and the kids are away. But I also did do some bike riding and didn’t smoke, which is good. The smoking bit was actually really, really hard which is probably why I indulged in other various vices. But Arwyn does help me be a better person and want to be a better person. By the end of the third day, I was ready for her and the boys to come home. It was a nice break, but I’m glad its over too. It was like a mini-vacation which made me appreciate what I have even more.

And you can only imagine the weight gain this week. Egad, I have some serious work to do right through the holidays to make up for this one!
D.

That video I promised?

It’s up.

198.4

No, that’s not a misprint.  For the first time since starting this little adventure, my weight has remained the same on weigh-in day.  Actually, Monday morning happens to be the worst day to weigh-in for me because I don’t always exercise on Sunday and often end up snacking and eating heavier on weekends.  In my last entry I had dropped a couple extra pounds but rebounded in the meantime.  But I’m not making a huge deal, yet.  I’ll just work a bit harder during the week.  I’m thinking I’ll see if I can get my stepcount up in the 5000-7000 range per workout.  That represents almost a full day’s regular walking beck when I wore a pedometer.  Getting it done in 30-40 minutes is the trick.

 

Moving on…

 

Christian Husband recently wrote about hating group projects, which is a loathing I share.  But there is a type of schoolwork that I hate even more.  That would be The Project project.  You know the ones.  They often involve constructing miniature nuclear reactors, scale models of windmills or some other silly craft work.  I remember in 7th grade social studies, we had to make some sort of tool.  Someone made a wooden waterwheel.  Someone else made the windmill.  Others made assorted crafts that required lathes, table saws, arc welders, soldering irons and oscilloscopes.  I cut a tree branch, bent it and tied the ends with a string.  Found a straight stick, sharpened it and voila! Bow and arrow. 

 

In 8th grade, we had a similar project that involved making something from the 1800’s.  I made a model of a still with tin foil, oatmeal containers and straws.  It wasn’t very neat or flashy compared to everyone else’s, but it was definitely made by me.

 

I hated these crafty projects, because my parents were mostly busy making a living on the farm and these things always seemed to take place during harvest or planting season.  So it was up to me to do the things on my own which meant I was most definitely not be using the arc welder or the power saw.

 

Thanks to parenthood, I get to relive this insanity.  My oldest, Thomas, who happens to be in the second grade, was assigned a project involving doing a report on something in the solar system.  This involves having a visual aid.  He was assigned “Earth” so at least it wasn’t too exotic but also not terribly interesting. 

 

Today, Arwyn tried to help him construct a model of Earth using homemade play-doh.  But she discovered halfway into the prroject that we didn’t have enough salt.  She still made a go of it, so we’ll see if it gets painted or not.  Next, she went out and bought poster board, getting home late.  

 

After doing some work on the posterboard, They went off to do something else.  Then my youngest found a marker and drew artistic squiggles on the poster.  AAARGHH!

 

Did I mention that this thing is due tomorrow?

 

Yeah.

 

I HATE these things.  Regular homework is bad enough.  This project junk is for the birds, because parents end up having to lay out the money for supplies and do a great deal of the work.  It’s like the group work only you’re doing it for a course you’ve already taken and and someone else gets the grade.  It becomes less about the kids and more about the parents.  No wonder more parents are choosing homeschooling.  At least then you get to choose the project.

 

D.

A Commotion in the Bedroom

Actually, if there is one, I have no idea.  I just put that out there to be teasy and witty.  It’s not that there shouldn’t be a commotion in the bedroom right now.  There should.  but there’s not.  At least not with me in it.

I’m listening to some xtian trance music that I ordered a couple of weeks ago and it came in today, of all days!  And it is pretty cool.  Arwyn likes Christian music just because of the words and not necessarily the music itself.  But this is still too rich and fast for her blood, and she said as much after listening to a bit of it.  I’m the opposite, where I like most genres of music but just because it is Christian rock or contemporary doesn’t make it good.  In fact, a lot of it is pretty hideous.  Most of this is stuff that I like and will eventually get it tricked out with some steps for the dance pad.  It takes several hours of some maximum CPU power to get just a few songs rendered and I’ve got about 7 CDs here.  Tonight I began converting them into mp3’s to get them ready.

This morning I was somewhere in the 196.8 range but tonight I suspended the workout activities in order to eat some cake with the boys.  They were all excited and could hardly wait.  Arwyn could NOT wait as there was a big, giant strip of cake missing on one side.  She’d have gotten away with it if she hadn’t frosted the thing first.  Oh well.

Now that I’ve got some new music, I’m anxious to get back on the mat again and work it out.  I’ll have to really work hard and punish the body a bit for my indulgence but I figured, “What the heck? Why not indulge a bit just once?”  After all, other people do it it, some more often than others.

Too bad I have to work in the morning, otherwise I’d have had a beer or two or three with my cake and my new music.

I’ll give a more detailed account later, perhaps.

D.

199.8

I had to do a double-take on where I was last week, and sure enough I have lost 4 pounds, even after a weekend of not holding back much on the eating and only moderate exercise.

Just to get this out of the way, I did put my ring back on.  Xi’s post on retaining the dented finger look after 7 months was the deciding factor, since this was never meant to be a long term thing.  Whether or not it was passive aggressive bullshit remains to be seen.  I never threatened anything or put conditions out there, I was mostly curious in a bullshit sort of way.  And lately I got more curious as to the fit, since I’ve lost a good 30 pounds since taking the thing off.  And sure enough, it doesn’t seem to really dig in as much.  It’s not slipping off or anything, but it’s loose enough.

While in the local Wal-Mart, I decided to try on some jeans, which I haven’t done in ages.   I’ve been buying Khkis with the “comfort fit” meaning some elastic stretch was included and kept me in the 40″ range even though I was probably closer to a 42.  The 38″ jeans still felt pretty loose and the 36″ jeans felt pretty good but one can’t be too sure with the way jeans shrink.  I put them back on the shelf, as I’m not sure where I’m going to end up with this.  I’m thinking I might like to get down around 185, and maybe 34″ in the waist or so and then beef it up a bit with more muscle.  But I’m not sure how I might go about that with my current exercise routine, which I like…most of the time.

It’s a lot like sex for women who might not necessarily be HL.  I feel reluctance towards doing it, but once I get on the mat, I generally have a pretty good time and enjoy myself and feel a lot better afterwards.  I can always think of other things I should be doing or could be doing sometimes while stepping, but generally end up going for the full hour as I find new songs that I’m keen to master.

On the food side of it,  I’m into fish at the moment.  High protein, low fat and it’s different than poultry.  The talapia comes in these individual serving-sized packets that I can nuke in 6 minutes or so with a small sliced potato and lemon pepper, while Arwyn and the boys eat corn dogs, pizza or whatever other sort of junk they fancy.

Arwyn has not said a lot about my weight loss, but she has noticed.  The people at work have really noticed, although I haven’t had any co-workers try and come on to me.  They are all pretty impressed but at a safe distance.

And I do like my slimmer self.  I kind of turn myself on looking at a much flatter stomach.  In fact, I can barely keep my hands off myself!  Hey, I put a considerable amount of work into this makeover, and know where I’ve come from.  I would definitely do me.  And I do.  Maybe it’s better than I don’t have folks coming on to me, else I would become totally insufferable!

D.

Different Dancing

 

Yesterday, I received my DDR dance mat. My youngest son totally liked watching and egging dear old Dad on. He really likes the music, so for him it’s a definite hit. Arwyn…not so much. It’s going to be a challenge doing this while she’s around because she doesn’t like the music or the whole video game concept.

 

While she went out to some church activity, I entertained the boys with my fine Stepmania skills. Actually, not really. Songs that I scored AA on the keyboard barely made a C score on the mat. But in 40 minutes, I felt like had accomplished a real work out. Considering my handicap, I was actually doing really well.

 

My stomach has been doing its own step-dance routine for a few days. Just some general nausea, but nothing too serious. Until about 4 a.m., then I ended up talking to Ralph on the porcelain telephone.

 

 

I was getting it from both barrels, as I’d have to sit and I had a serious case of the squirts.

 

FYI, beef stew does NOT taste so swell the second time around.

 

So far, so good this afternoon, though.

 

Which led me on a zany search for related artwork. Go ahead and make up your own version of the Pepto dance!

 

D.