Okay, okay, okay

Alright already!

 

Nothing like telling the entire internet that you’re going to do something to put pressure on a body to actually do it, is there? And then the comments that dug it in, I was feeling like my back was against the wall!

But that’s sort of why I did it that way. I needed to corner myself in order to make escape futile. And it turns out that things just might fall together just right in order to make this happen in a profitable way. We’ll see.

I just happened to have some real loose time on my hands this afternoon where I couldn’t get any work done or already had done what it is I was trying to get done. I made that call and got right through to the fellow that I needed to talk to. He seemed nice enough over the phone. He sort of outlined his schedule and then we sort of got things together where I have an appointment next week. And it just so happens that Arwyn’s mother will be in town so I’m hoping she’ll be able to watch the boys for us if I can get her to go in for that initial consultation. Arwyn’s probably going to be feeling some king-sized pressure but this does put the ball squarely in her court. When I tell her about this, she’ll have to decide to go or not to go which will give me a more definitive answer as to her commitment one way or another. I suppose she could agree to go and still not be committed, but it would at least show a willingness to go through some motions which we haven’t even done that much up until now.

I did ask him his approach and he told me all about how he uses family systems, and likes to go back a couple of generations on the family system. This is a red flag for me, because while I see it is useful to learn from the past, one can not live back there. This is one reason why the 12 step approach seems so impotent to me is because Arwyn is spending all of her time back there in the past while ignoring the clear and present threat where she is at. I asked him if he had heard of Schnarch and he said he had used some of Schnarch’s material in his training so there was at least a glimmer of hope there. Remember his specialty is Christian sex therapy, so it will be interesting to see how he applies his eclectic tool kit here.

I was nervous as hell making that call, but felt better after making the appointment. But now I’m nervous as hell telling Arwyn about it.

We’ll see. Hang on to your butts.

D.

Realized while working out…

Differentiation is hard! Not being an avoider (when it is part of your nature) is hard! Not getting all tangled up in someone else’s issues is hard!

Okay, you’re all saying “DUH!”

But it came to me that all of this is physically as taxing as it is mental. Since finishing the Schnarch book and maybe even while finishing it, I had slacked off on working out. I had work issues that had to be dealt with and it was hard finding the time or inclination to work out. So while my weight has continued to melt off, I haven’t been able to keep up stamina-wise. While finishing up a session of a marathon Stepmania song, it occurred to me that I really needed to stay in good physical condition. Not to mention the other endorphine-related benefits of a good hard, wet workout. I’m in a better place when I’m in better physical shape as far as my mind and emotions and working out helps take a lot of the urgency and edge off of the frustration.

And there’s plenty of that going on. This morning the skittering away while trying to talk in the bathroom was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad. She’ll kiss and hug for very brief amounts of time, but that’s it. She’s in full-blown avoider mode. 12-step groups are good for learning disclosure but since no cross-talk is allowed, it doesn’t build up much endurance when it comes to a real reciprocal interaction. This illustrates why the “delicate flower” analogy leads to some unintended consequences. “Learned helplessness” is a big one, and we see it all the time in education when kids are used to having things spoon fed to them all the time. That’s not to say that providing support, guidance and instruction is a bad thing. Having some sheltered shadowing can be a good and helpful thing. But if the person you’re trying to help becomes overly dependent, it’s not a help at all.

I was back up on the elliptical this morning before leaving for work and got a good workout and might work again this afternoon. It’s good therapy. Hmm. Had something else I was going to do today but forgot what it was….

D.

Gotta Do It

I have hedged, hammered and hawed all over this for too long. I’ve been avoiding for too long. Y’all have been good about pointing that out, and while I’ve been receptive in some areas, I often deflect some of the most obvious suggestions and measures that might move me forward.

It’s about being in the proper space developmentally in order to do what needs to be done. I’ve covered some significant distance these past few months doing independent study with a little help from my blog friends. Y’all do what you can and I SO appreciate it! So now I need to advance more and I’m feeling stuck. It’s time to get that local therapist’s number programmed into my cell and make the call for some professional coaching on how to proceed. I’ve talked about it before, and will keep talking about it until I get it done. Then I’ll talk about it some more.

Yesterday, as I was walking out of the house (and writing yesterday’s post in my head) it occurred to me that I’m about tapped out. I’ve probably been out of my league for quite some time but getting up to speed on Schnarch’s approach might help save some time in the long run. Hopefully this guy will be up on it. It’s hard to imagine a marriage or sex therapist who wouldn’t but that’s sometimes the way things go out here in the sticks.

The recent comments by someone identifying herself as Kathy also made me aware that I need to go deeper to acquire more tools and resources. The average layperson has a basic assortment of tools at their disposal in order to take on various relationship and psychological issues. Thanks to self-hep books and the internet, more people are accessing more information but it is often not very good information. Many of the options and suggestions new readers bring in tend to be of a more shallow nature. For instance, for the woman who is married to a guy who doesn’t want sex; how often have you heard, “You need to wear sexy lingerie and spice it up!” If you’re a guy in the same position, we always hear, “You need to do more around the house and take more time with the kids and give her more time to herself!” Other offers involve being more considerate, being less selfish, doing something for yourself, find a hobby, get a pet, talk it out, practice better communication skills, be more affectionate in a nonsexual way, speak the proper love language, nonsexual date nights, buy more gifts, take the pressure off, fix yourself, be less judgmental, more empathetic listening, sensory nonsexual exercises, more physical exercise, eat healthier, lose weight, penis enhancement, breast augmentation, Viagra, wild oats, wild yams, ginseng…

I’m sure I’m missing some.

It’s not that these are bad suggestions. Most of them are pretty good and can serve a purpose. But after a few years and trying several variations of these, it might be time to drill deeper. The standard plays don’t always work and then it might be time to go for something different. No guarantees there, as my chastity play clearly illustrates, but it did represent a pretty good effort in creativity and thinking outside the box. I got some useful information there that may yet prove to be useful down the road. In fact, I need to process that from a more Schnarchian paradigm to see what comes up. The most important thing is to keep at it and to keep driving for progress, such as it is. Writing and blogging has been an invaluable tool to help me process so I need to keep investing the time into doing that, even if never makes the blog.

D.

Index to my “Schnarch” Posts

This is an index to the posts I’ve written on my treatment of David Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage. These are scattered between two blogs, so I figured I would bundle them up neatly for those looking for information. While they are in order, I didn’t always expand on every chapter but I tried to keep the commentary fairly close.

There are other posts in the works extending on what I’m experiencing and learning that may or may not be added here but I’ll try to keep them in a “Schnarch” category.

Enjoy!

1. Chapter 1

2. chapt. 2 - Differentiation

3. Emotional Gridlock

4. Wanting to Want

5. Hugging until Relaxed

6. Kissing and Foreplay

7. Ch. 9 - Using your mind

8. Ch. 10 - Fucking

9. Ch. 11 - Two Choice Dilemma and the Mercy Fuck

10. Ch. 12 - Tools for getting through it

11. Ch. 13 - Critical Mass

12. Our own breakthrough

13. Ch. 14 - Spirituality and the Ultimate Differentiation

189.8

I haven’t updated my weight in awhile, so I think I’ll do that for a minute. My weight loss efforts actually do figure into things. This morning I was at 189.8 which is about 3 pounds off from my eventual target. Over the holidays, I maxed out at about 196 but fluctuated between there and 192, which my body seems to like. I work on the elliptical and the step mat but not every day or even every other day. Maybe I get 2-3 times a week if I’m lucky simply because demands at work have been quite heavy the past couple of weeks. I did manage to download Stepmania 4.0 CSV which is a very nice looking release and I like many of the new display features. But it has slowed me down and I’ve had to adjust to it.

When I first began losing weight and posting about it, it was largely driven by my need for better health and a changing self-image. I needed to get rid of the pounds because my knees were driving me nuts. Anyone else who struggles know of what I speak. So I did some research, found an exercise that I adore, some foods that I also adore and went for it. The little “Biggest Loser” competition didn’t hurt either. But somewhere towards the end, I mused on these pages; how much weight do I have to lose to get my wife to want me? It’s at that point that Rod Smith chimed in with a comment that I really needed to get Passionate Marriage. I had been following 2amsomewhere’s posts on the subject and was somewhat familiar with Schnarch and his writings from lurking alt.support.marriage. This name would come up on other relationship blogs on occasion also.

In November Rod and I did make efforts to contact each other by telephone. One time I woke him up after he was asleep! He was very nice about it, and told me to call back earlier the day the next day, which I did try but got an answering machine. He left voice messages on my phone as well as by email. I’m okay with all of this because just knowing he was there was sufficient. Plus I got the book and figured after reading it I might have more to talk about afterwards. The point being that I was too busy (and careless) to even make a phone therapy connection but as it turned out his advice was spot-on. He gave me a small shove in the right direction.

The last time I had a major discussion with Arwyn, it was almost like an assault or a guerrilla attack. It was short and a skirmish that left more questions than answers and certainly didn’t do anything to make me feel better about our marriage. It was bad timing all around.

This time, it was not planned at all. I went to the store after work and she and the boys had gone to church. We got home about the same time and she put the boys to be while I got ready for the next day. I was tired and was ready to go to bed. This is highly unusual as she normally goes to bed early and I stay up late, mostly after midnight. She was in already bed when I came in the bedroom. I sat for a minute contemplating whether to turn in or go back to the living room and turn on the computer. I laid down and attempted to snuggle up to her in the inverted position. To my surprise, all I found at the foot of the bed was her legs. Her hands reached down in the dark and moved over my legs and bum and wondered what i was doing. I switched positions, feeling a bit embarrassed but was able to snuggle without her moving off. And then we began to talk.

At first it was about her church, where the senior pastor is taking a leave of absence “to recharge” and another pastor there just left the ministry with no known explanation. More casualties of “church.” I shared with her my evolving views of church. She’s known that my views were under construction, as it were. She thought I was fancying starting my own church as part of a “house church” movement. I can’t say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, but I’ve come to realize that conflict is just part of the growing process. Leaving and starting a church would be a futile attempt to escape and avoid that growth; there really is no escape anyway because conflict is inherent in me. And to carry this where I’m going, leaving my marriage for someone else wouldn’t solve my conflicts because the conflicts that I have with Arwyn are conflicts I have with me.

In that sense, it is about me and my own deficiencies. Confronting my own mess has been a major part of this process. Meanwhile, Arwyn has been working on step 4 in her 12-step program for the second time. This step closely mirrors the process that I was going through as I was learning to confront my own issues. We were going through identical steps at identical times. We did discuss this process. Arwyn went through all 12 steps last year, and I knew she was doing it. I waited for step 8 and step 9 to come around. It never did, at least for me. So when she told me she was doing the 12 steps again, I was skeptical that it was doing her any good at all as she was obviously in some deep, deep denial about what she was doing to me.

She admitted that she had “forgotten” to deal with me in those steps, and I corrected her and told her she had most likely simply chosen to avoid it altogether. She admitted to that and we went into a discussion about our avoidance issues and the fact that we were both first class avoiders. One of the major problems is that neither of us was interested in listening to what the other had to say and so we simply avoided the major issues. We agreed that this was likely something we both acquired from our respective backgrounds and that we would need to work in order to overcome that. Much of arwyn’s avoidance stems directly from issues I brought up in that long thread “XH and Me” where most people forgot all about the “me” part and wanted to talk about XH. Fact is, I have many of the same exact issues as I related there. My brain allows me to intellectually out-flank a whole lot of people and I have my own sense of moral rightness that makes others feel small, stupid and wrong. I can effectively use this to keep people from getting too close and intimidate them while beaming with pride when others tell me how great a Sunday school teacher I am or how great and smart I am in general. Smartness is a long way from wisdom, as evidenced by me stupidly asserting my moral and intellectual superiority over my wife.

Nothing says “I love you” like making a person feel small, stupid and wrong.

Keep in mind, this intellectual power was what fueled her initial attraction to me. She came to the young adult Sunday school class I was teaching and really liked my teaching skillz. She was hungry for knowledge and saw me as being a person who had a lot to offer her.

But later, she always felt judged and controlled by me, and gave up arguing with me a long time ago. To wit: I was always “right” and she was always “wrong.” My “rightness” pretty much put us on a collision course with disaster. God was using my marriage to wring that self-righteous pride out of me. I’ve still got plenty of it so there will be more wringing, I’m sure. But avoidance was about her only choice, as she saw it. She felt she was always walking on egg shells around me. Yeah, I see it, now. I really was judging her and found her wanting most of the time. The more she withdrew from me, the more I judged her as being inadequate which pretty much guaranteed that we would overheat and become disconnected. There was no such thing as a “discussion” because differing views automatically made us adversaries and if I become an adversary with anyone, I play to win. This is not a winning strategy for making friends and influencing people.

For her part, Arwyn had her own way of winning a fighting which was almost a form of emotional jujutso. To wit:

Jujutsu evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for dispatching an armed and armored opponent in situations where the use of weapons was impractical or forbidden.

My emotional fusion made me an easy target for this sort of thing. While I was using my intellect, she was using my own heart against me.

We talked about the whole business of marital sadism. I have a sadistic streak so wide, it’s pretty pointless denying it. Arwyn heartily agreed with that. But the real revelation to her was when I talked about my struggle in dealing with her sadistic side. And that opened the big can of worms that you have all been waiting for.

I told her that based on Passionate Marriage I had figured out that early part of our relationship that was so vexing to me. Namely that we were having sex all the time and then after we were married, sex had dwindled to pretty much nothing. The reason for that early sex wasn’t desire, but it was insecurity. Arwyn and I share very rich, deep wells of the fear of abandonment. Her sexual behavior was her attempt to avoid that whole abandonment scenario, and so it was all fueled by her insecurities. She would have sex even though many times she didn’t want to because insecurity reigned. However, she was also feeling guilt and shame over our premarital sexual behavior. By the time we actually got married, the shame and guilt had grown to a point where it overcame her insecurity about our relationship. Once the commitment of marriage was finalized, that insecurity disappeared but the guilt did not.

On top of this, we can add a generous dose of resentment. I was pretty much in total reptilian mode in the early years of our marriage. I really liked sex, and my self worth was totally tied to it. If we had enough sex, I felt loved. When I didn’t, I felt rejected and unloved. Arwyn’s self-worth was also tied to sex. But the more sex we had that she didn’t want, the more she felt used. She felt that in my view, sex was the answer to all our problems. She was pretty much right. She resented me for my controlling ways and then wanting sex on top of that. At the same time, her guilt increased because now I’m really making her feel like the bad wife.

And then we tried to fix each other. A classic example of this is the 3^rd year of our marriage, Arwyn bought Relationship Rescue. She went through about 4 chapters and then didn’t read anymore but did leave the book lying around thinking I really needed to read it. I did glance over it back then and thought it wasn’t too bad of a book for her. Two years later, I picked it up off a dusty shelf and then went through every single exercise. When I came to her at the appropriate time and attempted to follow Dr. Phil’s advice, she really wanted nothing to do with it. A few months later, I bought her the workbook for her birthday. That workbook has never been opened. To say she regretted buying that book is an understatement! She bought it with the idea of changing me, but when I did do it, she resisted it! Because it was another case of me controlling her, she wanted none of it.

A major part of this discussion involved our differing ways of getting to this point. Arwyn does better as part of a group-type structured process where I am able to get stuff from a book and learn independently. I went through Dr. Phil’s book alone. I was able to exercise and diet and lose weight without weekly meetings. I was able to discover and apply vital things from Passionate Marriage without a therapist or a support group — apart from my blogger friends, of course! I play with computers with very little in the way of classwork. I even play around a bit in Linux just getting things off the internet. But this is not at all typical, which is what makes me exceptional as a teacher. It’s what makes XH able to do much of what he does. But it also results in some problems relating to others who are not on the same page. I get exasperated at others for being too slow. Arwyn seemed to always be too slow and she didn’t appreciate me reminding her of it. Her going and finding her own group of friends in a different church through a 12 step group seems to be just what was needed for her to work on herself. And she has been doing it with the help of the group and her sponsor. It was helpful having my own background in 12 step groups because much of what Schnarch talks about translates fairly easily into 12-step-ese. I was able to share what I had learned from reading this book pretty much what I shared here. Writing has been another vital part of processing what I’ve learned and I’m getting better at harnessing that in order to internalize and retain it.

I shared with her my revelation about her own sadism in watching me suffer all of these years in virtual sexlessness, knowing perfectly well that I was suffering. She stood by and watched and participated in it while doing nothing or even rejecting my efforts to resolve it. I treaded carefully here, because I knew this was extremely sensitive territory we were in. Almost every previous discussion of sex has resulted in her and I both getting defensive and her totally melting down. But she did not meltdown at all. She took the hit and held it together. That was truly an amazing thing to witness.

Then we got to some nitty gritty. Basically, for pretty much our whole marriage, the sex has been awful. I did point out that she might have been ahead of me in that department for not wanting bad sex, while I was willing to ask for a double portion of it. She pretty much agreed with my assessment: it’s not that she did not like sex. She did not want it from me. It took me all this time to really figure it out to a point where I could deal with it and handle that without falling apart.

This is what emotional gridlock and critical mass does for a marriage. It makes emotional fusion such a totally untenable position that we are forced to move away from it and grow like a hermit crab that outgrows its shell and has to shed it to go find a new one. We were both ready to listen because the alternative was too much to take.

We discovered that we were on the same page in a lot of areas. We both wanted good sex and not bad sex. We each affirmed the right of the other to avoid bad sex and go for good sex. What entails “good sex” was not discussed, however. Just getting to this point was nothing short of monumental. I told her that I wanted to pursue that with her. I think the act of choosing her was an important one, at least for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever truly done that, before. Honestly, it comes to me that I’ve accepted her, settled for her, preferred her, cared for her, tried to win her, and done other things. But I don’t know if I’ve ever truly chosen her. She asked me out the first time we went out. Schnarch did write extensively about this, and I’m going to have to look it up again as it didn’t register first time through and i didn’t write about it because it didn’t hit me.

Moving on to better sex might be a daunting challenge, but I think she might be up for at least approaching the challenge of it. She seemed to be very open to it last night at least. No we did not have sex. By the time we concluded, it was already 1:30 a.m. and we both had to get up early and I was tired before we started the conversation. But we were snuggled together and touching and holding hands and it really was probably more intimacy than we had shared at any other time. Hence the proposed title “This is the most significant conversation we’ve ever had” which is a statement Arwyn made.

We concluded by deciding that we would avoid more positively. Namely that we were going to avoid avoiding these sorts of conversations in the future!

D.

Critical Mass

It’s really interesting now, reading other relationship blogs and seeing where they are in this growth process.  And then looking and seeing where I am and comparing.  Most are in a state of gridlock of some sort where there is a high desire partner wondering how long they are going to have to wait until the low desire partner decides to fly right.  There’s a lot of pressure put upon the low desire partner to pony up and show up.  But it’s only been in the last 50 or so years where this has been true in western culture as previous generations saw it differently.  It was the high desire partner who had the libido problem and people looked for ways to lower their desire. 

 

How times have changed.

 

The thing is, is that a partner who occupies the high desire in one area (sex) may occupy the lower desire in another area, like food, shopping, eating out, spending money or traveling.  I often use shopping because this is an area where Arwyn and I occupy opposite sides of the desire spectrum compared to sex.  She’d rather savor the experience of going to stores and looking at stuff where I’d pretty much like to get it all over with as soon as possible or do it online.  It’s difficult for me to find passion for all the time and resources involved in shopping as there are other things I’d rather do.

 

Couples facing these issues have a choice as to what they do.  They can ignore it, confront it or grow.  Like shopping, sex isn’t something you can really ignore and avoid.  You either do it or you don’t.  I try not to, so Arwyn come up with ways to get me to do it using all the tools of the trade.  Manipulation, guilt and anger are all tools she uses to get me to go.  And often it turns into a crappy experience because of the resentment I bring along with me.  I don’t respond to pressure much better than she does.  

 

Confrontation and communication are not going to increase my desire in this area very much.  One of the myths we carry around as a society is that all we have to do is communicate better and more often.  But confrontation and communication involves trying to change our partner.  This is why communication-based therapies fail.  What we communicate ends up being criticism and contempt and that will get us no where.

 

The answer is personal transformation and growth.  And that happens on the heels of reaching critical mass.

 

Critical mass happens when things finally come to a head, putting one partner into the crucible thus dragging the other in, too.  While the low desire partner controls the supply of whatever is desired, the high desire partner has control over if and when a couple enters the growth cycle.

 

Arwyn and I are definitely in the critical mass stage.  You know when you’re there because the overall climate of the marriage changes.  Previous encounters that involved sniping, resentment and criticism cease.  The marriage actually settles down as “business as usual” does not continue.  One partner begins to differentiate and the other senses it.  Empathy and respect actually increase as anger and criticism decrease.  Instead of roiling conflict, the tone quiets down.  There is more straight talking.

 

Not a lot of that last for us, but we are in a spot where it is now possible from an emotional stand point.  We’re each standing on more solid ground instead of leaning in and smothering or trying to dominate each other.  The whole power play/control atmosphere has just collapsed.

 

This critical mass stage just happens to coincide with me reading this chapter and this book in general.  I’m not trying to change Arwyn, I’m changing me and she is making her own adjustment.  And it’s not for the worse.

 

This might be where Arwyn departs from 2Am’s wife and where we take a bit different path.  2am’s wife reacted to his differentiation by trying to emotionally bludgeon him back into fusion.  She did not seem interested in growth but wanted to keep things the same.  Any concessions she made involved little cosmetic things that did not involve any real or lasting change in her own behaviors or attitudes.  He quieted and became resolved but it’s difficult to see where she ever did.  She continued to hang on to taking inventory of his faults without looking at her own.

 

Arwyn, on the other hand has been taking her own inventory, literally.  She’s doing a second year in her 12 step study at church and my reading Schnarch’s book coincides with her working on step 4.  She’s talked a bit about doing it but hasn’t shared a lot about it.  She knows I’ve been reading this book but hasn’t talked about it.  Neither of us is pressuring the other to be or conform to anything.

 

But we’ve both been infinitely more relaxed.  The hugging has picked up and it is a more intimate and affectionate even.  It is a longer, more lingering event.  There are kisses during the hugs that are not met with a grimace but are welcome.  It’s difficult to describe but it just started to happen when I quit feeling entitled to anything other than my own thoughts and feelings.  I’m not trying to change her as much as I try to better appreciate the person that she is.  What also helps is that I see that she is sincerely making an effort to grow.  It’s not in a way or direction I would choose, but she is making an honest effort of it.  I’m trying to support and affirm that while not being all up in her business.  It inspires me to keep going on my own.

 

So I’m cautiously hopeful that we’re working to a better place.

 

D.

  

Tools for getting through it

 

01/13/2008

 

This is one long-ass book!

 

Finally, in chapter 12, Schnarch reveals so tools for getting through the crucible.  I’m not going to retype them all or even give a reaction to them.  He goes into different levels of differentiation as well as how to self-soothe.

 

It’s this chapter that has the hiking story that Val commented on earlier.  He does go a long way to be as fair as possible in describing how his wife being slower caused him problems with dealing with himself.  He also shares the story of how his wife’s and his move to Colorado put them on the brink of divorce!  He then goes into why he included those stories.

 

The tips and techniques are helpful and I suppose the reason he didn’t include those earlier on was because he was keen on someone reading most of the book before trying them.  Still, I’m convinced this thing is put together backwards..

 

The Two Choice Dilemma, Marital Sadism and the Mercy Fuck

Some of you will love this and some of you won’t.  This is the part where we finally weigh in on the cost of being an avoider.

 

Basically in life we tend to not like making the hard choices.  We like making choices where it is win-win.  The lose-lose propositions require a certain amount of pain.  So we avoid making those choices, hoping that a more favorable option eventually comes around.  Sometimes it does.  But in the area of sexual disparity, it mostly won’t, at least without making a choice.

 

To quote Schnarch:

 

“Pop psychology tells us what we want to hear: you should expect your partner to accept, understand and validate your position even if he doesn’t agree– he should even say you make sense!  That strategy works as long as there’s enough room for everyone to have his or her own feelings and act upon them.  But many marital therapy approaches don’t work in the bedroom because they try to avoid two-choice dilemmas.  We can agree to disagree as long as we are focused on feelings and perceptions.  When the issue is behavior, however, flexibility is reduced significantly.  You can’t agree to disagree about sex.  When your spouse says he or she is never doing a sexual behavior– or never having sex again– you don’t feel like saying, “Thanks for sharing!”

 

When we say we have no choice, what we’re really saying is that there is no choice we want.  There is always a choice, but it is often a choice that we don’t want.  What we really want to do is make a choice that suits us at the expense of the other person.  Some people think monogamy is a great thing…for the other person.  The choice to not have sex is based on the assumption that the other person will not exercise their choice to have sex.

 

In the ’60’s and ’70’s it was popular to say that it was unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs.  The have-it-all saying was based on avoiding the 2 choice dilemma.  In fact, that’s at the crux of the “Have-it-all” mentality.  It pretty much avoids the whole reality of making hard choices and the economic reality of the principle of scarcity.

 

So we have this couple who we can call Digger and Arwyn.  Schnarch names them Audrey and Peter.  Arwyn seems to care less about sex while Digger is frustrated at the lack of sex. 

 

Arwyn’s gambit is based on the idea that she can not have sex because there is too much pressure.  She says that if there wasn’t so much pressure, she might be more open to sex.  Plus, with Digger initiating she never has a chance to initiate.  So Digger agrees not to initiate and thus not to pressure Arwyn.  So a week goes by and Arwyn does not initiate because then she would simply be responding to the pressure of the agreement.  Another week goes by and she does not initiate.  As time passes, Digger’s frustration grows and Arwyn knows it but does not initiate because she is feeling pressured by her own thoughts of having to do what she does not want to do.  She doesn’t want to want Digger while she does want him to want her.  New “if only’s” surface as she continues to try to hold out just enough hope to keep the marriage intact.  She may even try to improve in other areas in order to compensate for this one marital lack.

 

So where does that leave Digger?  Anything he possibly does will increase pressure.  Damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t.  So now he faces a 2 choice dilemma.  No sex or force growth through making a choice whether or not to have sex.

 

2amsomewhere referred to this a bit earlier in a comment about those bloggers who choose to have affairs.  They essentially take the choice away from their partner while trying to have their cake and eat it too.  Two choice dilemmas are a pathway to growth and an affair essentially robs themselves of that opportunity as well as that of their partner.

 

So I get that I’ve helped enable this sad state of affairs in perpetuating a sexless marriage.  Arwyn holds all the cards, sexually speaking.  What little sex we’ve had over the past few years has been not so good so I’m not really wanting it too badly from her at the moment.  I’d like to be in a monogamous sexually-fulfilling marriage but it remains to be seen whether I’m willing to pay the freight in order to get there. 

 

The scenario described in chapter 11 perfectly matches where I’m at with Arwyn more or less.  It’s irritating that I had to read through so many other chapters to get here, but here I am. 

 

What really drove me mad getting to this chapter was the section on marital sadism.  I know I have a very thick red line of sadism running through me.  A very bad nastiness that has nothing to do with the good nastiness of sex.  It’s in all of us and it occurs in pretty much every marriage.  Deep down, in our heart of hearts we hate our spouse.  That bit was hard to grapple with as I read it, but the realization of it lead me right into that old saying: the opposite of love isn’t hate, it is apathy.  Hate seems like maybe we’re putting it more strongly than it really is, but our squeamishness about that is a result of some false beliefs.  Namely we think that love and hate can not coexist.  Where hate is, love can not be and where love is, hate must be absent.  This belief leads us into denial which pretty much guarantees that we’re going to behave worse towards our chosen spouse.  The fact is, hate exists in the world of love and love exists in the world of hate.  We have to confront that evil nasty side before we can move on.  The whole idea behind the reflected sense of self is so that other people won’t make a fuss about the nastiness we have inside of us.  We want to be loved by others so that we can love ourselves.  By focusing on how great we are (through listening to what our itching ears want to hear) we can deny our evil nasty side.

 

Differentiation comes from confronting our evil side and truly repenting.  That’s my take, not Schnarch’s but this is a dot that he left to be connected.  We get all self-righteous and inflict cruelty on others to justify ourselves.  We elevate ourselves by depressing others which isn’t exactly a recipe for self-respect.  On the other side, we constantly compromise our integrity by accepting the bullshit of others.  The perpetrator/victim mentality has gotten me no where. 

 

In this section we encounter the mercy fuck and the mind fuck.  I’m willing to wager that most of you know exactly what I mean, at least if you’re married.  This is not to be confused with the pity fuck that Chelsea Summers wrote about recently. 

 

The mercy fuck is the penultimate of marital sadism.  Basically the mercy fucker says, “Okay, I don’t want to have sex with you but I’m going to allow you to mount me and I’ll do the minimum to get you off.  You’d bloody well better appreciate it, too!”

 

This is followed by the mind fuck, where the mercy fucker doesn’t respect the fuckee because he is so willing to accept such poor sex.  “See?  This only proves that all you want is to use my body!” when that is all that is ever offered.

 

The person who is offered the mercy fuck is basically given a choice between sex even a hooker would be ashamed of giving or no sex at all.  The only real way of dealing with the mercy fucker is to stop doing it.

 

Then we have the woman who fakes orgasms and then resents her husband for feeling so good about the job he’s doing.  That’s a mind fuck.  “Yes dear” is a mind fuck because we all know that it means “Yes, but don’t complain if it’s not done with enthusiasm.”

 

Basically, marital sadism allows partners to screw each other two ways at once.  Lousy oral sex technique while feigning ignorance and other passive-aggressive war mongering techniques are all part of “normal” marital sadism.

 

We hate our partners, but that is a reflection of how much we loathe ourselves.  We need to deal with our self loathing in order to get along with each other.  We need to confront our hate and deal with it.  Notice I’m not saying make it go away, I’m saying deal.  Stop blaming and start standing.

 

What that means for Arwyn and I remains to be seen.  But I’m digesting this and thinking about it.  I’m sure you all might have something to add to this discussion in the way of experiences.  You can read pretty big chunks of that chapter here, if you want.

 

D.

Fucking

Yes, that’s pretty much the theme and part of the title for chapter 10 of Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. Anyone who has read this book knows that Schnarch uses the word fuck fairly freely but not gratuitously in his writing. Some might argue it is never appropriate to use the word but Schnarch starts of by explaining why and how he uses it.

As for me, I will fling that word out on occasion just because of its nature which is aggressive, lascivious and salacious at the same time. It’s precisely the way it grabs the imagination and emotions which makes its judicious use effective. But it loses its power with over use. When I was in the Army, it was pretty much a standard adjective to describe anything and everything to the point where one pretty much ceased to hear it or even realize they were saying it. “Grab your fucking rifle and a fucking rag and then clean the fucking thing for a fucking hour or so before it is fucking chow time.” “Pass the fucking salt” just rolled off the (fucking) tongue too (fucking) easily while in the (fucking) chow hall.

Now that I’ve totally desensitized you or turned you off, we’ll proceed to the word’s real meaning as opposed to its abuse and misuse in the military.

Schnarch breaks it down by first talking about doing the other person and about being done. The elegance of doing someone is in the fact that both partners are essentially giving but it is done in different ways. The partner doing the doing is being sexually generous in their actions while the partner being done is being generous in their response. Those of us who struggle with intimacy know the barren landscape of both when it is absent. In fact, when we actually have sex, we are doing something but it isn’t necessarily each other. At least with masturbation we are doing ourselves. But in the emotionally fused relationship there is such a minefield around sex with so many rules and boundaries that it is almost impossible to really cut loose.

I can’t really do Arwyn because she has so many narrow boundaries. If she even lets me on top, it’s pretty much confined to a little kissing and some in and out. There is no erotic touching and no licking allowed at all. I need to stick to the script and it involves coming pretty much as quickly as possible. And as far as being done, I don’t know if we’ve ever really even approached that ever. So I’m wondering if I would even know what to do if it ever happened. Would I even be able to handle it? Would I be able to enjoy it? I have no idea, except it would be a shocking experience. I’d need practice to actually learn to enjoy it, I think.

The essence of doing and being done simultaneously is fucking. There’s really no other term that captures the aggressive, desirous and carnal nature of it. As Schnarch quotes D.H. Lawrence “The woman who doesn’t have at least a bit of harlot in her is a very dry stick, indeed.” There is lots of fucking that takes place in the world between married people but unfortunately most of it is done with and to people who are not married to each other! For some reason, our culture almost instantly turns married sex into some sort of insipid, tepid, luke warm experience. Suddenly we’re supposed to be “making love” and the art of fucking becomes profane. However, the reality is just the opposite. As soon as a couple stops fucking, they inhibit their desire, their passion and their constructive aggression and eroticism sort of whithers up, dries up and gets blown away by other competing priorities.

The most notable example of this within our little blogging circle is Tajalude and her husband Brady. From her past posting, we see that Taja really, really would like Brady to just take her and fuck her occasionally with some degree of carnal passion (actually, you won’t see that because she’s flushed most of her archives but trust me). We saw that Brady often responded positively to Taja’s passion when she decides to take control and do him. If I’m reading her correctly, she’d like a bit of reciprocation in kind from him. But for some reason he doesn’t do it, and it might be a fear of his own aggressive nature. I think us men sometimes have our aggression socialized and censored right out of us. The good news is that we can learn to channel it into our passion but we have to be confident and differentiated enough to do it. Emotional fusion can kill male carnality the same way it kills desire in women. There’s comfort in routines and safety in not rocking the boat too much.

The emotional fusion goes both ways. Taja really gets anxious about Brady’s disengagement and she pulls away in order to lessen her own emotional tension which probably makes him feel more anxious. And next thing you know, there is emotional gridlock. If he could learn to deal with some actual good old fashioned fucking, he could foster the growth of his own differentiation and learn to take the lead a bit more. The whole trying to have a baby thing probably really tests the marital machinery even more. There’s some stellar potential for growth if they could both learn to get along a bit better, forget about making a baby and just fucking fuck.

Taja, along with many of her other female bloggers, nicely illustrates another point Schnarch makes in this chapter that I might otherwise totally not wrap my mind around. That is that women generally have a better understanding and comfort level about doing and being done than men. My experience has been exactly the opposite but he points out that he gets more feedback at his lectures from women. The topic of sex and sexuality is more often discussed in women’s magazines than men’s. Women tend to have more of a comfort level when talking about body fluids and orifices, according to Schnarch. And I’ll admit that sometimes it really is hard to fully appreciate the fact that women might enjoy anal sex, although not as difficult as those men who have not reached the developmental milestone of having their own anal regions penetrated. Penetration is something men seem to have a more difficult time with, along with getting our minds around menstrual flow, tampons and the like.

I still have a difficult time with this particular section of chapter 10. While many female bloggers seem to be very much in touch with their own carnal eroticism, most of the guys on my blogroll are married to women who are exactly the opposite. If there is some deeper erotic energy in there, it’s been pretty well hidden.

Perhaps I should spend a minute explaining what fucking is not. It is not manipulation or doing things to intentionally hurt the other person. It is not rape. Fucking is not a perversion and it is not something that is inherently profane. It is not using a partner as a receptacle or a scratching post. It is not subjugation, violation or subordination. It is tinged with aggression and power, but it is not pitted against a partner. The power does not minimize the other person but maximizes their enjoyment through projecting desire in a strong and confident manner.

The fantasy of fucking involves being ridden hard and put up wet. It is doing and being done until both partners are exhausted. It is rigorous, vigorous and virile.

D.

Using Your Mind

Schnarch starts the next chapter asking the question, “Where is your mind during sex?”  If you ask your partner what they are thinking about during or just after sex, they might say, I’m thinking about you.”  And they might be lying.

 

A wondering mind is almost inevitable just because that’s the way our minds work.  We think about all sorts of things.  Some people are making grocery lists, sorting laundry, doing taxes, memorizing baseball stats or any number of mundane things.  They may be imagining someone else who could be there instead.  Perhaps a past lover who did things better than the one poking or licking or sucking you now.  You might be worried that the kids might hear or maybe expecting a phone call or wishing for a phone call.  You might be thinking about painting the ceiling mauve.

 

You might be thinking about your sensations and how good a certain thing your partner is doing and hoping they keep doing it.  Or how lousy it feels and hoping they stop.  You might be worried about whether they like what it is you are doing.  Are you doing it right?  Will you last long enough?  What are they thinking?  Are they as bored as you?  Do they notice that stretch mark?  Do you wonder whether you smell or taste bad?  Do they smell or taste bad? 

 

Thing is, none of the above involves a lot of emotional engagement with the partner.

 

There’s a whole lot of stuff to think about during sex.  Is it any wonder that we seem to be happy enough just getting off?  This is one reason why we settle for routine sex.  We go with what works and keep doing it over and over and over.  It’s also why it gets boring.  So we get mad and suddenly it might not work anymore.  We fight or avoid.  And we get into gridlock.

 

This is the process Schnarch describes as the people growing machinery of marriage.  We are constantly challenged to grow and change and two partners can challenge each other to grow.  But this can only happen in a long term relationship.  When we abandon the fight and get a new partner we essentially abandon growth and have to start all the way over reconstructing the crucible in which we need to grow.  He also made a more profound statement:

 

People grow most through going through those developmental processes they are trying the hardest to avoid. 

 

That’s pretty powerful stuff.  The avoidance and gridlock that Arwyn and I are currently locked into is a result of our fusion.  Paradoxically, the machinery really is working.  While we are avoiding we are each working on ourselves in different ways.  But there is a showdown that is coming.  Neither of us is particularly comfortably in the rut we’re in.  So she goes to church and Bible study and step groups for her own growth.  I go to another church and read books and blog and write growing in my own way.  Neither is “wrong” per se.  In fact, one could argue that there’s a lot of growth potential through some rich cross pollinating that could take place.  But that’s the problem.  There’s no pollinating going on.  We’re missing out on some growth potential.  We’re both avoiding the pain of it.  So far we’ve been evenly matched at least that way, for better or worse.

 

In this chapter, Scnarch talks about different sexual styles.  The sexual trance style is more sensate-focused, which requires a lot more concentration and being free of distractions.. That often includes the partner which is why this is mostly done in the dark with eyes closed. 

 

Partner connection is another style that has its own levels each characterized by different levels of differentiation.  It’s what we often want on the higher levels but what we often end up doing at the lower levels.  I’m not getting in to all 6 levels, but I can see where I’ve tried various forms of both of the above styles but on very low levels of differentiation.  

 

On the trance level, it’s all about my body, what I feel and how good it feels.  I want Arwyn to feel good, too, but sexual trance is akin to sort of like getting high or drunk together.  It seems to be more separate than together.  On a higher level, it can be more mutual and emotionally connected, but I’ll just come right out and say I’ve never gotten there. 

 

Now I have gotten about half way up the partner connection ladder.  But I’ve yet to really properly differentiate enough where Arwyn is more than a reflected source of validation and borrowed functioning.  In fact, I’m just now coming to think where I can conflict with her without getting too wrapped up with anxiety.  It’s a matter of growth for both of us and that can only happen when we conflict.  We are in conflict now, and it has led to us growing…apart.  But it has set a stage for the machinery to really smoke.  At least that’s how I see it optimistically speaking.  I’m sure she won’t see it that way.

 

The last sexual style is role play.  My forays into chastity play could be construed as an attempt at that, but according to Schnarch it requires a very high level of differentiation to pull off because a person has to have enough confidence to pull off the role without getting totally engulfed by it while becoming a real part of it. 

 

According to Schnarch, the highest differentiated people can assume any of the three styles.  This is because that people-growing machinery of marriage never stops.  Boredom sets in, which causes conflict and then couples have to work through it.  But the work can eventually become less painful after doing several turns and partners get in the groove of constant change and growth.

 

So now I’ve gotten my mind wrapped around the idea of conflict not being as bad as what I’ve always internalized.  It doesn’t mean the end of the relationship even though it looks a lot like it.  And the whole avoidance thing has drug on so long there’s going to be pain involved regardless.  This is just what I was looking for: a direction to grow in where it doesn’t have to be Armageddon.

 

I have no idea if I’m making sense or not.  But I wanted to get this down so I could move on.  The chapters of this book seem to get better as I go along, and I’m sort of striving to get to the “better” ones.  A bunch of you are contemplating getting it and I would recommend it.  But you may just want to watch and see where I end up going, too.  I’ve been around this sort of thing before and it may not end up going anywhere.

 

We’ll see.

 

D.