Okay, okay, okay

Alright already!

 

Nothing like telling the entire internet that you’re going to do something to put pressure on a body to actually do it, is there? And then the comments that dug it in, I was feeling like my back was against the wall!

But that’s sort of why I did it that way. I needed to corner myself in order to make escape futile. And it turns out that things just might fall together just right in order to make this happen in a profitable way. We’ll see.

I just happened to have some real loose time on my hands this afternoon where I couldn’t get any work done or already had done what it is I was trying to get done. I made that call and got right through to the fellow that I needed to talk to. He seemed nice enough over the phone. He sort of outlined his schedule and then we sort of got things together where I have an appointment next week. And it just so happens that Arwyn’s mother will be in town so I’m hoping she’ll be able to watch the boys for us if I can get her to go in for that initial consultation. Arwyn’s probably going to be feeling some king-sized pressure but this does put the ball squarely in her court. When I tell her about this, she’ll have to decide to go or not to go which will give me a more definitive answer as to her commitment one way or another. I suppose she could agree to go and still not be committed, but it would at least show a willingness to go through some motions which we haven’t even done that much up until now.

I did ask him his approach and he told me all about how he uses family systems, and likes to go back a couple of generations on the family system. This is a red flag for me, because while I see it is useful to learn from the past, one can not live back there. This is one reason why the 12 step approach seems so impotent to me is because Arwyn is spending all of her time back there in the past while ignoring the clear and present threat where she is at. I asked him if he had heard of Schnarch and he said he had used some of Schnarch’s material in his training so there was at least a glimmer of hope there. Remember his specialty is Christian sex therapy, so it will be interesting to see how he applies his eclectic tool kit here.

I was nervous as hell making that call, but felt better after making the appointment. But now I’m nervous as hell telling Arwyn about it.

We’ll see. Hang on to your butts.

D.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Up, down, up,
When I up, down, touch the ground
It puts me in the mood
Up, down, touch the ground
In the mood for food I am stout round, and I have found
Speaking poundage wise
I improve my appetite
When I exercise

I am short, fat and proud of that
And so with all my might
I up, down, and up and down
To my appetite’s delight!

Lyrics and music by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman
©1963

Or Happy Thursday to those outside the U.S.!  The above is a tribute to a fictional character who I once thought had the right attitude towards weight loss and food.  It’s still cute, but not very healthy.

I’m thankful that I had to actually locate something that I hadn’t used in so long I had completely lost track of where it was.  After sitting in my thinking spot for a bit, I finally remembered where it was, and was able to find….my umbrella!  We actually got a nice rain today, here in Georgia.  We need about another week os showers just like that since we’re still at least 15 inches below on the year.

Forgive me if I don’t personally respond to the avalanche of comments below.  It really was useful to see the various comments and compare different reasons for staying one and not going dark.  I think I fall in the category of blogging as sort of therapeutic.  I would (and do) write anyway.  In fact, there are many time a post never even get published because I don’t have the time to properly edit or finish it out.  But I like the feedback, and even the snarky comments serve their purpose.

I think I have many themes that are fair enough game for blogging material that Arwyn could care less about.  But my relationship with her is the overarching one that has always been the pervasive and constant.  I would be interested to read her side of the story if she ever cared to write it, but she is not a writer.  She’s not much of a talker, either.

We have had a Talk about some issues, but I’m not sure it will result in anything.  That’s one of those unfinished posts that may not see the light of day.  And that is the frustrating thing because we do have these skirmishes but nothing decisive.  Even if it looks decisive, it really isn’t.

So anyone reading this for the past couple years has to be feeling a lot of frustration over that lack of movement.  There’s no plot development here!  As the principal character, I’m certainly feeling a lot of that, even though I have other parts of my life that never do get published.

So I’m going to continue to blog when the mood hits, but I’m really and truly looking to move things along somehow. That’s really what I want: some sort of resolution to this story!

So that’s what I’m going to be working on.  I am going to work on resolving this relationship story line to a point where it isn’t the biggest issue, anymore.  I suppose a disaster could come along and completely turn things upside down– That’s NOT what I’m looking for!  I just tire of the Talking and then Nothing.  That just isn’t working for me.   So I’m taking some small (but significant) steps to see if I can move things along.  I may end up dumping those unpublished posts here once I have some movement on that score, but until then they are just frustrated ventings.

Thanks to all of you for reading and contributing!  I’m thankful for  the dedicated folks who still stick around.

D.

203.8

The number in the title does no justice to the twisted journey it took to get there.  I’m chomping at the bit to get below 200 and so have been breaking certain rules.  One of them is weighing myself more than once per week.

At one point,  was down to 201.8.  Hey, hey!  I was feeling pretty good at that point!

But then we went on an overnight road trip.  Which means no exercise and eating out.  I tried being good.  Really.  But a couple of fast food sandwiches and fries later (I thought the Diet Cokes would offset–no dice) I got home and step on the old scale and it reads 207.2!

YOUCH!

I spent the day mowing the lawn AND stepping for at least an hour. And eating salad.

Fiber is my best friend.

There’s one other resolution that has been going, going gone, and that has been the whole smoking thing.  I’ve not been doing so well the past month, gradually getting back into it all over again.  So I’ll have to get out of it all over again.  I feel like I’m trying to fight a war on too many fronts at the moment.  I’m sticking to the weight/exercise thing because, well, there’s some cash on the line.  There is with smoking too, but that isn’t quite as direct.  It’s a slow, gradual thing so I’ll have to think about some way of keeping score with that and get motivated again.

But there’s just something about a good smoke after an intense workout, you know?

No?

I guess that’s just me.   Or maybe if they had smoking areas at the gym they’d get a lot more members.

D.

205.0

Finally!

I was able to break out of the declining skid I’ve been in for a couple of weeks and get back on track.  But, man!  I had to really work at it!  I mean 5 days of Stepmania and mowing the lawn on Saturday.  Lawn mowing is still a staple of my exercise routine but that’s going to suffer when the grass stops growing.  Things will get tough over the holidays!

I finally found the ultimate in music, which is the Maximum Workout CD.  Every song/mix is 130-140 BPM which is just exactly where I like it.  I had it going while mowing and finished in almost 1/2 the time it normally takes me!  I think I lose weight just listening to it!  So I spent the day (and all night) laying down step tracks to it.  I’m using a special program to do it that pretty much takes all the CPU it can get and still takes an hour for each song to compile.  But the charts are going to be challenging and awesome.

I started this on the cheap by downloading all the free stuff (program and songs) from the Stepmania site.  I bought a couple of cheap mats, from ebay and I was totally on my way.  However, as my skill level has increased, I’ve gotten more into it and there have been some increased costs.  The biggest, by far, is the new music.  Once I learned how to create my own simfiles, I started looking for music I really liked.  I liked many of the songs downloaded from the Stemania site, but there were a bunch I didn’t like at all.  It’s been a blast rediscovering some of the techno stuff from the 80’s and also looking at some groups in a similar genre as DAF that I hadn’t heard of.

The result has been ordering a number of CD’s from Amazon.  Your tip-of-the-day is to always order from the used section if possible, as those folks rely on ratings just like ebay, whereas Amazon has gotten lackadaisical in their service.  Their delivery time, frankly, sucks.  “Super saver” shipping = “Super Slow.”  You’ll be waiting weeks and maybe months.  The used stuff comes pronto and usually for less.

I also bid on some new mats.  The cheap ones were good to start off in but as I get to high levels with faster foot work, they tend to slide all over the place and curl up.  I bid on a pair of Red Octane mats  and actually won that auction for less than $50!  So theoretically, I could sell one back and recover my costs since they retail at 2x that for just one.  But you see that while it’s inexpensive compared to other exercise/recreation routines, it can start to become moreso.  Just check out the prices on metal dance pads and you’ll see.

I’m feeling pretty good about the weight loss business as it’s been maybe 20 years since I’ve been this low.  Getting below 200 is my main goal and then I’ll see about maintaining while building a bit of muscle mass.  Right now I’m in a race to see how low I can go before the holidays, weight wise.  At the same time, I’m looking at increasing my speed and skill with Stepmania so it helps to have these goals working in tandem.  Less bulk = more speed and endurance and higher scores = more muscle tone = more weight loss = less bulk.  In behavioral terms, it’s an elegant cycle of reinforcement and consequences that sets up an antecedent for more exercising behavior.  I’ve got a video game, some techno music, a bit of computer wizardry… In short, this program really hits my geek buttons!

I’m probably boring you non-geeks to tears, along with a bunch of fellow nerds because I’m not writing anything about sex.   Truth is, I’m pretty much diverting myself from the whole sexual arena through this other diversion.  Avoiding in the classic style of the word.  But I feel like I’m being productive and not pressuring anyone while working off my own edge/urges.  The cage play was basically ramping me up which is okay when frustration is the goal.  But now I’m working it off, and lately feel less uptight about whether sex is on the menu or not.  Since it’s clearly not, I’m becoming less stressed over it.  I have other things to occupy my energy and time that involve a lot less stress.

I’ve given some thought to that rhetorical question XH had in in his “Disfunction” post which was “Why are you so HL, anyway?”  Other than the fact of being a healthy, normal male, I really don’t have a good answer to that.  Why would I want to make it with someone who acts like an advance or invitation from me looks like rape?  No thanks. Perhaps this will be one of those issues that we, as a couple, just sort of outlast, outplay or outwit.  Or maybe not.  We’ll just have to see.

D.

An Update on Lots of Things

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here.

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

 

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

 

D.

 

Celibating 11 Years

It’s that time of the year, again! 

 

I was actually a bit surprised that Arwyn brought up our anniversary earlier in the week, asking me what I wanted to do.  I had no idea, really.  Well, that’s not right.  I did have an idea and you can guess what it was more or less.

 

But Arwyn was not talking about that.  She proposed that we might go out for dinner or something.  That sounded nice until she mentioned taking the kids along.  Ummm, no.  That’s not at all what I had in mind. 

 

Her and I were both massively busy with work all week.  The night before our anniversary, I gave her some money to buy milk and some fruit.  She did get milk but no fruit.  Instead she bought a card and an anniversary present; a fireproof safe box to keep valuable papers and stuff in.  She was a bit put off that I wasn’t overly massively thrilled with this.  Okay, it’s practical.  But I’m not sure it says “Happy Anniversary!” you know?

 

The next night I gave her a musical card with a Cars theme song, and thanking her for a very scenic ride.  Her card was as nonromantic and generic as you could get.  But she made an effort.  I also got a new TV as our old one went kaput a month or so ago.  She did enjoy that as well as some office supplies I got her so she wouldn’t have to be always devouring mine. 

 

That night she slept on the couch I think, as she didn’t go to bed until much later than me. 

 

And that was the entire extent of an 11 year celibation.  I think the last time we had sex on our anniversary was back on our 1st, when we rented a hotel by the beach.  She was pregnant on our second and wasn’t in the mood and then had a baby to take care of in subsequent years.  You can sort of get the picture.  While there was enough sex in subsequent years to have a second child, there never was as much as there was before we were married. 

 

Hmph.  Not much of an update, is it?  I’m not pushing for the time being.  I’m getting other areas girded up for whatever may follow, namely the financial side.  We are seriously close to ticking off a second Big Payment item that was sucking down $300 a month. Namely it was that old $10,000 Visa debt that Arwyn racked up in 2004.  And the car insurance.  I’ll then begin seriously biting into that second property mortgage which should fall within the next 12 months if I stay focused, freeing up another $330 a month.  Retiring all of these debts is tremendously liberating.  Other options begin opening up as far as saving, investing, charitable giving, and helping others.  I could do none of those things when I was so enslaved to hundreds of dollars in credit card and vehicle payments.

 

Lifting that weight can do nothing but help Arwyn and I no matter where we end up next. 

 

D.

 That post below was written over a week ago and just never got published, so you get a bonus today!

Home Alone

I’m being massively indulgent.  I SO know what Marie means by having the house totally empty except for MEEE!

 

Arwyn and the boys went to visit her mother in Florida for the rest of the week so it is me, me, me and all mine!  I finished cutting the grass this morning in the hot Georgia heat and not we are getting serious thunder storms.  What am I doing with my freedom?  Massively indulging as much as possible.  I’m finishing off this quart of brew I bought this morning and decided I would do some intense blogging the likes of which I haven’t done in awhile, leaving comments and such.  At least until the lightning got intense.  I’ll be back at it as soon as thing blows over.  I’m massively enjoying the rain, tho.  We have not had anything measurable for a few months.  Barely enough too keep the grass growing, which means this down pour will have me back at it in a week or so.  Hopefully stuff will grow and the deer will find forage somewhere else besides my garden!

 

With Arwyn gone, so is all the pressure and bother of the relationship drama.  That’s as much why I feel lighter as the beer.  I’m just relaxed, not buzzed.  Maybe I’ll do that Friday night.  Arwyn’s presence brings with it a certain intensity and heaviness that descends and clings and presses down.   Oddly enough, she has voiced a similar feeling about me.  She feels like I am always judging her and trying to change her.  And in a way, I suppose I am.  She threw that out on Black Sunday, and I’m not sure how to respond to that.  I simply said I felt the same way.  I feel I am forever judged and found wanting.  I think this is how anyone in an unhappy relationship feels. 

 

How do you exist in an unhappy relationship without looking at the things that are making you unhappy?  I suppose one could argue that I simply look at the positives.  I could do that, but then aren’t I then denying all the other crap that is so prevalent? 

I’m thankful that Arwyn is not a shrill harpy, and that she is an otherwise kind person.  She is on a spiritual journey not unlike my own but we are going in radically different directions.  I’m opting out of religious churchianity and she is opting to get deeper and deeper into it.  She wants to pull me back into a system that God is delivering me out of.  There’s an impasse here that I don’t know how to bridge.

 

Several folks have commented that getting out might be the way to go.  2Am, facing similar circumstances, has all but decided on that course of action.  And I certainly can’t argue that he has not put up a valiant effort.  He’s done the separate and joint counseling, which I haven’t done.  He’s made some decent strides in improving himself, but his wife is not moving but continues to harp at him about stuff that happened years ago and he’s since resolved.

 

But I think we need the break up one myth right off the bat: when there are kids involved there is no such thing as a “quick, clean break.”  Even without kids, disentangling can be messy.  Artful Dodger has been working on his divorce for almost 2 years.  Our friends Donald and Gina have been working on their divorce for about 3 years.  Arwyn’s dad’s divorce is on its 3rd year (with no kids involved but considerable assets).  See a trend?  I suppose it could be easier, but this is not the norm.

 

So what do I do?

 

At this point, I’m taking my cues from God.  A body can do that if they are developing that kind of relationship with Him.  That property down south does not look to be going anywhere.  The party who was interested in buying has not shown much interest in actually paying for it.  God could have closed that door a long time ago.  I have often wished He would have!  But I can’t live down there simply because my job is up here.  But I can spend more time down there working on the place if need be.  I can begin a move if so guided.  Stuff is happening in my work life that is pointing towards a move.  But I’m seeing how it plays out.  The finances are straightening out better and better as long as something doesn’t come along to muck it up.  Anything can happen.  Something will.

 

I would like for Arwyn to show up and attend the marriage.  I’d do counseling if I had any confidence at all it would work or if she would even go.   But at this point she’s not indicated any willingness to do anything.  Especially talking about it. 

 

D.

 

 

Emotional Needs: Admiration

Finally!  The conclusion of this series on the completed Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  Stay tuned for some drama on this thing.  I’ve been avoiding it but can do so no more.

 

Unless I can find a way to confront while also avoiding.  Maybe a letter or an email…

 

 

Harley defines admiration as respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often.  I rate my need for admiration on the 0-6 scale at a 4, which is somewhat of a great need.  Not as high as affection or sex, but it is a definite emotional need of mine.  When thinking about how often, I think! 1x a day shouldn’t be asking too much.  Is it?  If my indicated frequency is not met, it makes me feel somewhat unhappy.  Certainly unappreciated.

 

When I rate Arwyn’s level of admiration for me, I give it a -1 on the -3 to +3 scale.  I’m a little dissatisfied and this is because there is more contempt that comes across than anything.  I’ve been using my blogger version of this site to talk a bit about one of my other self-growth endeavors which is weight loss and exercise.  Instead of supporting and admiring my efforts at losing weight, eating better, quitting smoking and working out, she has been negative and complaining.  She hates the DDR music because it is oriented towards the fast dance genre with a severely heavy beat.  So she complains about the music being too loud or will stay on the computer longer or put the boys on it so I can’t use it to work out.  She’s been a scoffer since I ordered the dance pad.

 

She spent years complaining about my smoking and cited that as the reason she didn’t want any deep kissing and a turn-off from sex.  Both patent lies. 

 

So my self-improvement gains have been despite Arwyn’s attitude and not because of her support or admiration.

 

I think I’m ready for another Stepmania update where I’ll extend this just a bit more.

 

Actually there might be one more entry on this series, as I do have to rate my top 5 emotional needs.  And there’s one that I have that didn’t even make Harley’s list.  But I’ll let y’all guess on that for awhile.  Plus that gives me another excuse to avoid some confrontation.

 

D.

 

 

A Heavy Issue

Perhaps I’ll engage in some lighter fare, and I do need to address a couple of long-lost topics that have gotten lost amongst the..er…heavier topics.

 

Actually I do want to talk about weight, specifically mine.  My mass seems to be in a linear incline since I’ve pretty much given up the smoking.  I say “pretty much” as I have had a couple of deliberate lapses lasting over a couple of 2 day road trips.  But by and large, I’ve been good.  The smokes still have a psychological pull, as I do miss them, especially during the stressful times.

 

But weight.  Geez.  After 10 years staying at pretty 219 lbs. or so, I’ve gone up to close to 240 over the past year.  Today I found a place where I could calculate my BMI (body mass index) and I’m at 29.9!  I’m 0.1 from going from “overweight” to “obese!”

 

My knees are suffering for it.  Other systems are too, I’m sure.  So I’m watching it to make sure I at least stop the incline, which I’ve done since February.  But now I really need to get it off and this will involve some exercise.

 

I hate exercise.

 

I don’t mind doing something relatively purposeful.  For instance I still use a push mower on my 2/3 acre lawn.  Okay, it is self-propelled, but with the bagger I’m still pushing and sweating buckets in the Georgia sun.  So once a week, I have that going.  I still don’t like it much but at least it makes more sense to me than walking a track or running somewhere I don’t need to go.  But my knees don’t really like this very much.  Once a week is about as much as they’ll take of that pushing over the rough terrain that isn’t even that nice of a lawn..

 

Swimming is not something I do well, and since there’s no pool, river or lake nearby, that’s out.

 

Joining a fitness club: That totally seems like a waste of money for me.  Pointless exercise, remember?  This works for some and it is a yuppie thing to do to keep in shape.  But it’s not like a real club, with dancing girls, a pole, cigarettes and mixed drinks.

 

Plus, the idea of driving somewhere else in order to exercise just seems odd to me.  If I lived within walking distance, it wouldn’t be a big deal.  But if more of us lived within walking distance of stuff, this probably wouldn’t be an issue at all.

 

 

Yeah, there is one sort of exercise for pleasure that I could totally be into.  But my wife would sooner see me dead than do that 3x a week for 30 minutes.  “Enjoy the heart attack, Fatman!”  I can’t even get it once a month.  Or even once a year. 

 

 

 I Finally did find something that looks like it might appeal to me.  I recently read about a guy who played video games and lost a pretty significant amount of weight.  Video games?

 
You can read for yourself. 

 

If you don’t like video games, you will totally not get it.  At least this is true for Arwyn.  I approached her with the idea and she outright scoffed.  She admitted that I had gained weight, and so has she.  But the idea of video gaming it off seemed absolutely preposterous to her.  Her idea of an intense video game is spider solitaire.  I’m more of an RTS man, like Age of Empires.  But back in the ’80’s I spent vast sums of money on various video arcade games. 

 

Anyway, I’m thinking of trying to step my way into shape using Stepmania, which is the open source (and free) version of Dance Dance Revolution.  I downloaded the program and a bunch of the songs and it’s actually kind of fun to play on the keyboard.  In fact I really like it as the music is real techno-ish and is heavy, heavy on beat.  Perfect for dancing and I probably burn a few extra calories grooving around while doing it with the keyboard.  It certainly is challenging and I notice that I am getting better at following the arrows, but I still struggle with anything but the easiest of selections!

 

Fortunately, Stepmania is fully configurable, so I can adjust and tweak it enough so it isn’t overly frustrating.  I’m using version 3.9 at the moment, and it is compatible with most operating systems even PII’s with 64 Mb RAM (there’s also a Linux version for you that are Penguin friendly).   Slowing it down for a middle-aged, overweight guy like me is a must!

 

My step mat has been ordered through eBay so we’ll see how things work, shortly.  I suppose I could work a fitness/weight loss theme in here somewhere, amongst my other topics.  Blogging is a good way to help with accountability.  Sometimes.  I’ve read a couple other blogs that had weight loss as somewhat of a goal or theme, but they didn’t do very well.  The blogs were quite successful, but the weight loss– eh, not so much.

 

I’m actually getting two mats, so I can either have one at home and one at work or I can find a similarly slow, middle aged partner to compete against/play with.  It would be nice to have a partner to play with.

 D.

 

 

A word or Two About 06

I used to enjoy a good, drunken, raucous New Year’s party as much as the next person.  But as soon as I married Arwyn, those days were over.  I have since pretty much seen the New Year in alone every year, as she can not stay up that late.

 

What can I say about 2006?  In many ways, believe it or not, it was an improvement over 2005.  I began the year in a quagmire or debt and financial distress.  2007 begins with us still in debt, but finances are more manageable.  It still wouldn’t take much of a reversal to wipe us out, but we’re maintaining.  I’m putting 2.5x more into savings every month than I was a year ago.

 

Arwyn is on board with the finances at least in principle.  She is still wildly impulsive with her spending but at least seems to see the wisdom in kicking free of payments. 

 

I pretty much kicked smoking to the curb last year.  I am now more smoke free for a longer time that at any time since I began smoking.  However, I’m not sure I like the nicotine free me.  I’m even more withdrawn and isolated into myself than I was before.  I still feel the cravings and the draw towards the things.  The gamble here is that I’ll have a future that is more worth living in than leaving behind.  I have yet to fully redeem that promise.

 

My health has not improved so much, tho.  My joints seem to be falling to pieces as my weight has begun creeping.  Or maybe it just seems like I’m bigger because my mother-in-law has made more than one snide remark about my weight.  So I have some work to do in that area.

 

Professionally, I’ve grown over the past year.  This has translated partially towards making good financially but it also makes work a veritable safe haven for me.  A place where I am respected and admired and listened to and liked; all the very things that are NOT a part of my life in my house with my spouse.

 

At home, I’ve enjoyed my kids this year more as they’ve gotten older.   I haven’t spent as much time with them, but I think I’ve spent some good quality time with them.  I found that when I’m alone with them I have less problems, and things are much more relaxed.  We enjoy the simple things, like playing in the backyard, shelling and eating peanuts, or just taking out the garbage.  I wish I had more constructive things for them to do as they get older because they have a lot of energy that needs to be used and challenged.

 

Okay, the marriage; this is one area where things have NOT improved.  In fact, the deterioration has been more this year than any previous single year or maybe all previous years put together.  Arwyn has spent a lot of the year sleeping more on the couch than in our bed.  Her deciding to attend another church has been a huge wedge in one of the few remaining areas where we had agreement.  Other than the children, there isn’t a lot that we share anymore. I still love her, but sometimes dislike her.  I resent her lack of interest and investment in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how you all can read this without getting suppressed!

 

 

07 - I’ve always considered 7 to be a lucky number.  It’s certainly a Holy one.   What kind of dreams and expectations should I take with me into 07?  I’m usually not good with resolutions, as such, and usually eschew making them.  But I do need to noodle out some sort of vision. 

 

First off I have a couple of things to look forward to.  One is that after a 3 year absence, I will make a return trip to Iowa with the boys.  I’d rather Arwyn not come as she HATES the farm but it’s hard to imagine her not going.  I also have my 25th class reunion which is actually being held at a time I’ll be able to attend.  I graduated from a class of 56, so I knew everyone and look forward to seeing some of them again for the first time in 25 years. It’s good to have something to look forward to.

 

I’d like to continue the good things that are going with finances and the job and the kids.  Yeah, something needs to be done about the marriage business.  We need to decide what it is going to be between us and work towards that, one way or another.  I’d like for things to grow, blossom and flourish the way we wanted when we first got married.  But we both need to share in the same vision, similar to what we’re beginning to do with our finances.

 

 

D.