LOST

That’s what I’ve been watching the past week ever since I discovered all of the seasons are now available online. I’ve watched a few episodes before but never really got hooked. I’m kind of glad I didn’t because now I can just watch as many consecutive episodes as I want without having to wait! It’s a lot like watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended version) when you didn’t see the original movies. This being made even more true by the presence of Dominic Monaghan a former hobbit of said trilogy. I’m almost through season 2!

But it also reflects where we are the past few days. Thanks for all of the comments and encouragement, and I expected a lot of positive feedback given the fact that most of you have been beating me over head with a counseling club the past couple of years. Arwyn is willing to go, this is true and good. But we’re still not really going anywhere. I looked at some old journals and found that this business of being marooned dates back to at least 1999! Which happens to coincide with the birth of our first child.

Desmond asked for some special needs child backstory. No, this has not been a theme of this blog although it has been a major theme for Arwyn’s emotional storyline. I actually do have a blog out there that deals with autism and disabilities (she knows about that one but doesn’t read it) but my personal story as a parent still is not a major theme there. It’s sort of a secondary story. It has been a big part of our lives and I think we’ve been dealing with it. But I put the marriage on a higher priority level than any disability. This is easier said than done for any mother I’ve ever met. The children usually are elevated into a position of supreme importance and most other things become marginalized including the mothers themselves. In the process, I had to learn to be less selfish which has been a constant and painful exercise.

The divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is about 80%. For autism it is around 90% according to statics Arwyn has read. The question of “why” has not been sufficiently addressed in the professional literature of either autism or marital therapy fields. It’s not hard to imagine how increased medical costs can strain a marriage financially. Or the stress of raising a child with physical and behavioral issues. However autism lends itself to stresses as far as cause and treatment unlike any other disorder or disability. There are no physical markers. There are no blood tests. There are behavioral rating scales and tests of physical, emotional and adaptive development. Even though everyone agrees this is neurological no one knows exactly the the cause and there is no cure. So it is like there is this mystery thing at work and Arwyn set off to solve it. Mostly without me, even though my education and background are more in-depth in this area. She set off to find the cure. This involved trying a lot of stupid crap. Special diets. Special nutrients. Special therapies. All of it is pseudoscience and all of it is expensive as hell. Our financial hell was mostly fueled by this sort of crap financed by my limited salary as a special education teacher.

As I started to say last post, my response to Arwyn’s deepening obsession with pseudo science was anger and withdrawal. Supportive? Why on earth would I support something that is so obviously fraudulant? It is a long con that always opens with “Just try it! Wouldn’t you do anything for your child if there was only just a chance? Why won’t you just try it? How can you put a dollar amount on the health of your child?”

All cons make use of pride, guilt and fear. With autism, the guilt is already there and so is the fear. All the con artist has to do is fan the flame a bit and then pride takes over when a family who is doing the diet, therapy or other expensive intervention is seen as being more hopeful, more intelligent, more diligent and a better parent than the ones who are not throwing money down the toilet. I might even get a comment or two here from purveyors of crap if I give this an “autism” tag. It’s like the spanking discussion; it’s hard to have a rational conversation about interventions when so much is based on irrational feelings.

Parents of older kids know what we’re just starting to learn: we have to accept our kids as they are. Autism is not the end of the world. It doesn’t have to be the end of marriage. But it frequently is.

If you talk to women, they will point the fingers at the father. He is in denial and can not handle it so he abandons his wife and child. I do see that sometimes, but that is making it seem more simple than it really is. The man might not be abandoning his child as much as his wife. Is it because he wants no responsibility? Not likely since most guys are willing to put forth a minimum of effort if they get married in the first place. But I have seen firsthand the change the mother goes through once she becomes mother. The whole concept of “wife” get thrown out the window in favor of this new role. The guy who is now “father” doesn’t anticipate the role of “husband” coming to an end but that pretty much becomes the reality. Most couples do experience a cascading effect where marital satisfaction declines after a child is born. It involves a fundamental shift in roles and responsibilities and if a marriage is already weak, having a child makes it even weaker. If the child has special needs, multiply that effect by a factor of 4.

Arwyn did admit that she was consumed by the autism world until fairly recently. She can still get caught up in things but she has mellowed on it a bit. Her and I would still have intimacy issues regardless of our child’s disability, so I have not made that a major theme here. We are exceptional and extraordinary because of what we’ve been through. But we haven’t gotten any closer as much as we’ve gotten less hostile which is progress of its own. But we can do so much better if the marriage could just show up on the radar screen for both of us once in a while. The counseling at least helps put it there for an hour or so a week.

D.

Counseling, a Meme and 195.4

I’ll just weigh in a day or two early and then go get something to eat!LOL!

2amsomewhere recently did a purpose driven meme and tagged me with it. Actually, I was already on my way over off the link before I saw I’d been tagged. It’s a survey put on by some of his friends at the Schnarch Center about relationships and sex. The purpose of this is to normalize their results and to test it, so there aren’t any results to be gotten, unlike the little quizzes in my “About” page. However it does make a body think about what they think.

In order to make sure that these two instruments are reliable and valid with a large and diverse population, we would greatly appreciate it if you would cut and paste the link on to your website or forward it to your friends. We want a diverse population in terms of ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, age and gender!

So these are 2am’s rules:

1. Take the survey described above.
2. Create a blog posting announcing the survey.
3. Tag seven other bloggers to take the survey by listing them in your post and contacting them by either e-mail or blog comment.

Only one more thing to do, which is #3. Seven seems like a high number to me, but let me see if I can find the 7:

1. Christian Husband
2. FTN
3. Confused Husband
4. Xi Summit
5. Tajalude
6. Hazel
7. Mu Ling

Hey, that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! I’m sort of worried about the results being all skewed and dysfunctional due to the nature of my blogroll, though.

And finally, just wanted to share something I found on Rod Smith’s blog that was enlightening. When Will Counseling work Best? When will it not?… is a pretty fair and balanced treatment of the subject. Lot’s of you have weighed in, and considering the results of my last post I thought a fair treatment of the subject was in order. I think the biggest obstacle at the present time is …well… time. If I was really sick and injured, I would go to see a doctor. But I’d have to really be sick or injured. I’ve got sore ankles and knees and sometimes get the sniffles, but I’m not seeing anyone.

So that must mean that things in my relationship aren’t bad enough. Yet.

Yeah, that pretty much sums things up. I mean if they were all that bad I would more seriously be weighing the therapist/attorney options. But Arwyn has become a better roommate than she was a year ago. There is that much progress, which is better than none at all. The house isn’t all run down when I come home and it is manageable enough that I can help out when needed. It’s easier to cook in a clean kitchen. We are talking better about money. Every month, we are going over her credit card balances and we each write out checks. We probably need to expand that conversation a bit more about other expenses but there is movement. The sex thing is just a big, huge boil that irritates everything else. I’m not confronting her at all because while I’m attracted to her physically I’m not up for the “mercy fuck.” I was hoping my weight loss would help lessen the “mercy” part of it for her, so she might actually want to do it more. Or maybe I haven’t lost enough, yet.

D.

I’m in the process of properly tagging everyone by commenting on their blogs, so if I haven’t gotten to you yet, consider yourself warned!

[Now I know why I don't do more comments and tags...blogspot word verification SUCKS!  I ALWAYS end up having to type goofy crap out several times!] 

Weighing In

 

Well, let’s get to the weigh-in since that is here the progress is being made…sort of.  Last week I was at 211.6 pounds according to my new digital scale.  On Monday morning, my new weight was 209.0 pounds.  Not a huge loss which is more a symptom of my eating larger and larger portions of stuff thus violating the whole 1000 calorie/day thing.  Plus my exercise regime has suffered mostly because work has been so busy.  This is also why my blogging has been less than regular.  FWIW, I would rather exercise than blog at the moment.  I’m kind of hankering to get below 200 pounds.

Now to move on to the discussion below…

It sort of started spinning out of the orbit of reality which is entertaining but not very productive.  I do think the resident feminists, Mu Ling and Emily, had some valid points at least from an oblique angle.  I wouldn’t consider myself a feminist by any stretch but my present period of introspection lends itself to me re-evaluating some things I might otherwise believe.  I’m in the middle of a paradigm shift.

 One question seems to be whether or not I’m treating Arwyn like a child or whether she’s acting like a child.  Neither of these is completely true, but there are elements of both.  Arwyn’s secrecy and her propensity for getting in over her head is somewhat childlike.  But her and I see debt in a different light, just like all of you disagree with me on certain points.  To me, debt is an awesomely heavy burden that steals energy and resources.  That wasn’t always the case, obviously otherwise I would not have had to fight so hard to get out.  My new view on debt is part of this new paradigm shift.  However, I view her debt in a worse light than my own because she has such a small income.  It’s also not exactly my debt, meaning I didn’t have anything to do with incurring it.  Is that a fair view?  No. 

I do only give one side of the story and it is often lopsided.  Arwyn does take care of the boys pretty much all the time when they are not at school.  I can get perfect attendance at my workplace because she takes them when they are sick and runs them to doctor’s appointments.  She does do all the laundry, all the cleaning and most of the dishes.  While she doesn’t exactly cook, she will heat stuff up which enables her to feed the boys while I stay late for work or to work out.  When she does go to her bible studies or other church events she pretty much has them all ready for bed.  And no, we don’t have a maid.  I think Desperate Husband or some other blogger might have had housekeeper or someone to help out, but not me.  But having a 22 year-old Filipino gal hanging around wouldn’t be a bad idea!

So what is fair compensation for all of these things?  Rent, food and clothing?  To be fair, she’s entitled to a lot better than that.  During our latest talk she did acknowledge that I was better about not being so stingy which goes hand-in-hand with not being so overburdened with debt.  But it hasn’t been proportional. 

She’s working on finding another part-time job, but I’m feeling of ambiguous about this.  Fact is, there is no part-time job she could get that would pay anything that would not negatively effect me and the boys.  Mostly me.  At the same time, she obviously needs some oversight in the financial department.  I’m thinking about some sort of match-type assistance where I match whatever contributions she makes towards paying down her debt so that it can be paid down quicker with the stipulation that we go over those bills together so that I know what is going on.  The hiding of this stuff has got to stop immediately.  I think part of the trust issue is my history of being very tight fisted with the lion’s share of the money.  So yes, I have a history of being controlling in that respect.  I’ve been working on loosening up and letting her get things that she thinks she needs even if I’m not totally convinced of the same.  I’m sure she doesn’t think I need a lot of stuff I buy.  So there is a legitimate history behind some of her behaviors, although they have historically gotten out of control.

D.

The Discussion and Weigh in

I think I’ll start with the weigh-in first.  This is really the first “official” weigh-in, as last week’s loss was figured on two different scales under different conditions.  Today, it was the same scale at about the same time.

 

Last week I was at 218.x, which was down from the previous week’s unofficial 228.  This week, the scale tipped in at 211.6.  Not as impressive, but still a loss, which I’m okay with.  My workouts have been sporadic, and the not eating like a pig has been a struggle.  But I’m sticking to it.

 

I now weigh less than I did when I got married 11 years ago, which was around 220.  I’m not sure how much I weighed when Arwyn and I first met, but I must be right around that point.  It’s pretty safe to say she didn’t marry me for my body.

 

So now to update you on the latest drama.  Occasionally there is a case of divine intervention in the form of an autistic son with sleep disturbances.  Which basically means that the Friday Night Fight didn’t happen.

 

When Arwyn got home, she discovered the bill on the counter and quickly (yet quietly) took it to her secret location.  You and I know the damage was already done.  She was less than certain.

 

Rosie said she should devote every cent of her paycheck towards the debt.  That’s the problem: she doesn’t make that much.  She will not make $5000 this year working 3 days a week 9 to 1:00.  So this is why I blew my top.  Many of the charges stem from this stupid preschool teaching job where she has to buy her own supplies.  She bought her own laminating machine, cutting board, buys her own construction paper and constantly feeds ink to her printer.  This is a loser job mostly subsidized by me. 

 

So the evening was spent seething with anger.  I tried checking the blogroll, looking for train wrecks worse than mine.  Even Desperate Husband was looking quiet.  2Amsomewhere  usually has something cooking, but lately his has been all on the job front. Joe Flirt was about the only guy who was rendering up enough angst to compete this week.

 

So to answer CH‘s query, no I’m definitely not shedding the avoider mentality, but I am going to have to be less of one.  I really had to steel myself and I was determined to have the conversation that needed to be had.  Saturday was spent on yard work and garden work for the fall garden.  I was thinking rain this weekend, but I may have to wait a week.  Collards, elephant garlic, brussel sprouts, broccoli, romaine lettuce and cabbage all went in.   My cherry tomatoes are the only thing still producing so that bed will be kept going for the moment.

 

I was tired at the end of the day.  Arwyn was getting ready for bed as I took my shower and we actually laid down at the same time.  The boys were both finally asleep, so I decided to go for it.  I was much more mellow than I would have the previous night which turned out to be a good thing.

 

My opening gambit was asking her exactly what it was that she was 12 stepping on in her recovery group.  I thought she might be working through codependency or other adult child issues.  But the fact is, is that really has not been working through anything specific.  She just goes to these groups 2x a week, and works through whatever there is.  I was annoyed and frustrated by this, since I couldn’t find any real traction here.  So I just came out and said I saw the Visa bill.  And the Sam’s bill.  I asked her when she was planning on telling me about it; perhaps when she was $10,000 in again?

 

She admitted that she had a problem but said she now had learned her lesson.  Denial, denial.  I wasn’t buying it.  As we talked through this, she admitted she had a problem but continued to claim she was over it and had learned from it.  We finally agreed that she was going to have to get another part-time job to pay down this debt on nights or weekends.  I was ready to sign her up at a local fast food place on the spot.  She is not keen on that, of course, and is looking for something more like a weekend receptionist job.  I’m looking for something more painful in order to help drive the message home and teach her to reform her ways.  But actually, I’m fine with however she does it.  It will involve some extra work on me, too, but not all that much.  I can already cook, clean and take care of the boys pretty much.

 

The discussion did continue on from there.  One thing Arwyn continues to do is accuse me of being controlling.  Over the years she has repeated that over and over.  I finally challenged her on it, and she couldn’t really come up with a concrete example.  I told her that I did want to have some say in raising the boys, preparing for the future and things about my own life.  I then flipped it and said she was actually the controlling one.  In her view, I’m controlling by not always giving in to her agenda.  I did admit to being manipulative at times, but added that this was pretty much a failed strategy.   If it doesn’t work, it’s hardly much of an issue.

 

We discussed our relationship and I told her I was tapped out of ideas.  She saw most of my attempts to improve our relationship as being controlling, so I’ve quit.  I told her I was waiting for her to show up to the marriage.  She asked for examples, and I brought up Dr. Phil’s book/program (which she actually bought) that I did 6 years ago and the recent ENQ, which she refused to do.   There are many others, of course.  Date night, the cage, prayer time together and other book programs.  I invited her to show up by bringing something to the table.  Anything.

 

She made it a point, here, to say that it just wasn’t about sex.  I made it a point to say I was looking for something more long-term, but at the same time the whole celibacy thing wasn’t working for me.  She said that she never intended celibacy to be a way of life bought really offered nothing to resolve or address that issue.  It’s actually in the sexual arena where Arwyn is at her most massively controlling.  She controls everything about sex from the environment and frequency to the method and duration.  My input is pretty much confined to the obvious act of inputting.  But that was not brought up as I didn’t want the discussion to deteriorate into crying and monkey fits.

 

As it was, Arwyn was very calm during this discussion.  I commented that this was a welcome relief from some past discussions we’ve attempted.

 

She finally suggested that we try to go out more, just the two of us.  Initially, she thought having my mom come down and watch the boys for us while we went somewhere was the answer.  Not exactly what I was looking for, but it was something.  And something beats nothing. 

 

Getting away is a good idea, but when you have a child with special needs, it becomes a major challenge.  My mom lives 1000 miles away and does not like to travel, which is a problem.   So not having family close by makes things more difficult.  We have had babysitters in the past, but not real often and never overnight.  We are a bit particular that way.

 

We covered other stuff, too, but those are the high points that I remember.  Counseling did come up as a possibility, so I said she could look into that as her church actually is offering it.  She said she might want to go on her own a bit first, which I agree with. 

 

The skeptic in me says don’t count on too many changes as a result of this one conversation.  I’ll have to see some action to back up all the talk. 

 

There was no sex after this as it was so late and I really wasn’t in the mood, still.  Being HL for someone who delivers or demands so little respect says more about my stupidity and shallowness than her desire.  On that score, XH was right.  I want sex, but I really want it wrapped within a package of love, caring, respect and passion.   Since I’m not feeling any of those things from her, I really need to salvage whatever thread of integrity I have left and stop trying to get in her pants.

 

D.

Holy Shit

It’s been kind of a tough week at work. Short staffed and an increased workload.  Thank God for a 3 day holiday, right?

 

RIGHT?

 

So I brought my weary self home just a bit early to get started on some R&R and Arwyn and the kids were out somewhere.  She got paid today, so doubtless the drunken sailor is at some whorehouse of a mall or Target, squandering it away.

 

I looked on the counter and saw a Target Visa bill.  That’s odd.  We cut that thing up a couple years back after she binged up $10,000 in debt.  It was just this past month that I finally got that bitch of a millstone cast off of my neck.  Beans and rice for 2 fucking years paying off that damn thing that we have nothing to show for.

 

Underneath the Target Visa was her Sam’s club statement.  The two combined for a total of more than $5,000.  And there is absolutely nothing to show for it.  Nothing.

Shit.

 

We are going to be having some words TONIGHT.

 

Accepting your wife because of who she is and what she does, my ass. 

Bite me.

 

D.

An Update on Lots of Things

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here.

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

 

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

 

D.

 

A Brief Kink Update

A couple of notes upfront: I’m seriously considering responding to Trueself’s tag, mostly because there are some other folks around here in need of a good meme’ing. Or even a meme’ing that is less than good.

Also thanks to those responding to the last post despite the rather depressing content. I can take some small comfort in the knowledge that there are others who have suffered worse for a lot longer.

But I do feel the need to at least give some slight treatment to my kinkier subplot, mainly chastity play. Suffice it to say, I have not been doing any cage play and have not felt like denying myself. I still richly enjoy reading Altarboy’s site and the contributions by those who are practicing, but motivation for me is about nil. I could probably enjoy some subspace but in the sort of relationship that I am presently in, the rebound on the backside is hardly worth it.

But the other morning it did sort of come up.

I usually buy all the groceries because I do most of the cooking. Plus during our leanest financial days I kept my hand tightly on the pocketbook like a seaman on a tiller during a storm. But now that storm has mostly past and I’m perfectly okay with Arwyn taking a check and going and buying whatever food she wants. She was a bit surprised at this, but I told her that as long as she was open and honest and not hiding stuff in the trunk of her car, things would be okay.

Arwyn then insisted that I must be snooping in her car. No, I just know how she operates. But she continued to protest that she knew I had been in her trunk. If I had remembered, I might have pressed her harder for how she knew, but I was not going to argue. I don’t go snooping in her car, ever. I figure I’ll find whatever she hides soon enough.

But later on, it finally dawned on me the source of her conviction. A couple of weeks ago, she came in the holding a small black box she found in her trunk. It was magnetically stuck to the first aid kit in her trunk. Can you guess what it was? She asked if I knew and I told her I had put it in there a long time ago. Maybe over a year ago. I told her to open it, and she slid the cover back and there were a pair of very small keys.

It was the discovery of that box that led her to believe that I was forever snooping. The fact is, I had all but forgotten about them. I have one key in the Shurlok, and that’s all I needed. But keeping a spare set in her trunk meant she could still get me out in an emergency and made her an unwitting keyholder. I’m not sure what she did with that box now that I think about it. It had fallen from the trunk lid to the first aid kit otherwise she may never have seen it.

She also found, while doing a bunch of cleaning, a key to the very first lock I had; the one that came with the original Curve that was on a necklace. She gave it to my youngest son to wear around his neck, which I thought was just not right. Never mind the key was now worthless, but it did still hold some symbolism. So I traded him a sticker or something for it and stowed it away.

Chastity play just is not attractive to me right now. I like to have some support during the process in the form of holding, cuddling and hugs. It helps me get into subspace instead of just getting pissed but she hasn’t the time or inclination, and neither do I.

D.

 

 

 

Celibating 11 Years

It’s that time of the year, again! 

 

I was actually a bit surprised that Arwyn brought up our anniversary earlier in the week, asking me what I wanted to do.  I had no idea, really.  Well, that’s not right.  I did have an idea and you can guess what it was more or less.

 

But Arwyn was not talking about that.  She proposed that we might go out for dinner or something.  That sounded nice until she mentioned taking the kids along.  Ummm, no.  That’s not at all what I had in mind. 

 

Her and I were both massively busy with work all week.  The night before our anniversary, I gave her some money to buy milk and some fruit.  She did get milk but no fruit.  Instead she bought a card and an anniversary present; a fireproof safe box to keep valuable papers and stuff in.  She was a bit put off that I wasn’t overly massively thrilled with this.  Okay, it’s practical.  But I’m not sure it says “Happy Anniversary!” you know?

 

The next night I gave her a musical card with a Cars theme song, and thanking her for a very scenic ride.  Her card was as nonromantic and generic as you could get.  But she made an effort.  I also got a new TV as our old one went kaput a month or so ago.  She did enjoy that as well as some office supplies I got her so she wouldn’t have to be always devouring mine. 

 

That night she slept on the couch I think, as she didn’t go to bed until much later than me. 

 

And that was the entire extent of an 11 year celibation.  I think the last time we had sex on our anniversary was back on our 1st, when we rented a hotel by the beach.  She was pregnant on our second and wasn’t in the mood and then had a baby to take care of in subsequent years.  You can sort of get the picture.  While there was enough sex in subsequent years to have a second child, there never was as much as there was before we were married. 

 

Hmph.  Not much of an update, is it?  I’m not pushing for the time being.  I’m getting other areas girded up for whatever may follow, namely the financial side.  We are seriously close to ticking off a second Big Payment item that was sucking down $300 a month. Namely it was that old $10,000 Visa debt that Arwyn racked up in 2004.  And the car insurance.  I’ll then begin seriously biting into that second property mortgage which should fall within the next 12 months if I stay focused, freeing up another $330 a month.  Retiring all of these debts is tremendously liberating.  Other options begin opening up as far as saving, investing, charitable giving, and helping others.  I could do none of those things when I was so enslaved to hundreds of dollars in credit card and vehicle payments.

 

Lifting that weight can do nothing but help Arwyn and I no matter where we end up next. 

 

D.

 That post below was written over a week ago and just never got published, so you get a bonus today!

A word or Two About 06

I used to enjoy a good, drunken, raucous New Year’s party as much as the next person.  But as soon as I married Arwyn, those days were over.  I have since pretty much seen the New Year in alone every year, as she can not stay up that late.

 

What can I say about 2006?  In many ways, believe it or not, it was an improvement over 2005.  I began the year in a quagmire or debt and financial distress.  2007 begins with us still in debt, but finances are more manageable.  It still wouldn’t take much of a reversal to wipe us out, but we’re maintaining.  I’m putting 2.5x more into savings every month than I was a year ago.

 

Arwyn is on board with the finances at least in principle.  She is still wildly impulsive with her spending but at least seems to see the wisdom in kicking free of payments. 

 

I pretty much kicked smoking to the curb last year.  I am now more smoke free for a longer time that at any time since I began smoking.  However, I’m not sure I like the nicotine free me.  I’m even more withdrawn and isolated into myself than I was before.  I still feel the cravings and the draw towards the things.  The gamble here is that I’ll have a future that is more worth living in than leaving behind.  I have yet to fully redeem that promise.

 

My health has not improved so much, tho.  My joints seem to be falling to pieces as my weight has begun creeping.  Or maybe it just seems like I’m bigger because my mother-in-law has made more than one snide remark about my weight.  So I have some work to do in that area.

 

Professionally, I’ve grown over the past year.  This has translated partially towards making good financially but it also makes work a veritable safe haven for me.  A place where I am respected and admired and listened to and liked; all the very things that are NOT a part of my life in my house with my spouse.

 

At home, I’ve enjoyed my kids this year more as they’ve gotten older.   I haven’t spent as much time with them, but I think I’ve spent some good quality time with them.  I found that when I’m alone with them I have less problems, and things are much more relaxed.  We enjoy the simple things, like playing in the backyard, shelling and eating peanuts, or just taking out the garbage.  I wish I had more constructive things for them to do as they get older because they have a lot of energy that needs to be used and challenged.

 

Okay, the marriage; this is one area where things have NOT improved.  In fact, the deterioration has been more this year than any previous single year or maybe all previous years put together.  Arwyn has spent a lot of the year sleeping more on the couch than in our bed.  Her deciding to attend another church has been a huge wedge in one of the few remaining areas where we had agreement.  Other than the children, there isn’t a lot that we share anymore. I still love her, but sometimes dislike her.  I resent her lack of interest and investment in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how you all can read this without getting suppressed!

 

 

07 - I’ve always considered 7 to be a lucky number.  It’s certainly a Holy one.   What kind of dreams and expectations should I take with me into 07?  I’m usually not good with resolutions, as such, and usually eschew making them.  But I do need to noodle out some sort of vision. 

 

First off I have a couple of things to look forward to.  One is that after a 3 year absence, I will make a return trip to Iowa with the boys.  I’d rather Arwyn not come as she HATES the farm but it’s hard to imagine her not going.  I also have my 25th class reunion which is actually being held at a time I’ll be able to attend.  I graduated from a class of 56, so I knew everyone and look forward to seeing some of them again for the first time in 25 years. It’s good to have something to look forward to.

 

I’d like to continue the good things that are going with finances and the job and the kids.  Yeah, something needs to be done about the marriage business.  We need to decide what it is going to be between us and work towards that, one way or another.  I’d like for things to grow, blossom and flourish the way we wanted when we first got married.  But we both need to share in the same vision, similar to what we’re beginning to do with our finances.

 

 

D.

 

When God Calls Person-to-Person

I am in the midst of my annual Christmas Baking Blitz, where I produce massive quantities of gifts from my kitchen in lieu of real gifts. I have no idea how any average sized family handles the complexities of gift giving. For some reason we think we have to give gifts to all of our children’s teachers and bus drivers. And since they are affiliated at least part time with special education and ride separate buses it is no small thing. We figured out that the boys saw at least 13 adults between the two of them on a daily basis plus associated therapists.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that teachers typically get a lot of junk at Christmas. Sometimes it’s cool junk, but it isn’t an iPod or tires for the car. It is mostly the coffee mug, perfume, bath product type of fare. Which is why food is always a popular thing, at least until some fool poisons someone and then I’ll be checking out how to make coffee mugs.

And then there are coworkers and distant relatives to think of. I counted about 20 of them, but I’m sure I’m forgetting someone. If I keep the list short, there are about 30 who make the gift list. But even if I went with a basic 20, consider trying to pick out gifts for all of them or even just buying a $15 gift card. No wonder the country has an economic hangover in January. Last year, I advocated the Buy Nothing Christmas and once again I’m calling for some restraint on commercialism. In just a few days, the world will run amok on “Black Friday’“ Don’t do it.

So what’s rolling out of the kitchen this year? I’m sympathetic to those who continually do Christmas bigger every year, and I’m afraid I have fallen at least that far. In addition to the microwave popcorn, sugar cookies and cookie mix in a jar, I do have a few holiday fruitcakes going in the oven and cinnamon raisin bread. I’m also thinking about trying some sort of chocolate peanut candy to see how it goes.

Okay, just to talk about the latest goings on, or lack thereof, several folks were wondering about the Dave Ramsey Seminar Arwyn went to. I was nervous all day, wondering if she would really go or not, as she was not at all looking forward to it.

However, when she got home she was pretty excited about trying to get our finances straightened out. Dave Ramsey is a salesman selling a dream and he did his job well. She really enjoyed it and took notes and filled out the little workbook they give you when you register. And she’s been visiting his website, so at least we’re on the same page there.

However, this time of year is her hardest time of year. She doesn’t seem to be able to curb her spending. It’s almost like a compulsion or something. And she has left the house and ended up spending since the seminar, so I’m just wondering if there was any real impact. Still, we do at least have a common basis for discussion.

We’ve talked a bit more about the church thing. She claims she doesn’t get anything out of the sermons, which a common complaint in any church, I suppose. However the Methodist church is plagued with some capable messengers who are unwilling or unable to deliver a message that challenges and inspires the people. There are concerns and problems within our community which the Methodist congregation does not want to face. However, blaming the lack of church attendance on a poor sermon is a lot like refusing to come to Thanksgiving because the turkey is dry. That’s not the real purpose. It’s silly to expect a pastor to be exceptionally gifted in every area. I don’t view my faith as a spectator sport. I’m in the game the same as anyone else, even if I’m not in the choir or preaching. It’s about the people sitting around me, more than the one speaking to me. So I don’t buy the sermon excuse.

Arwyn says that she just feels more comfortable there . She said God was telling her to move on. And that is an interesting thing, because God hasn’t given me any specific marching orders. I went with her a few weeks ago, and I didn’t feel particularly at ease. It really is a fast growing church and so it was very crowded. I felt closed in from all sides from such a throng of people in such a small area. The message was okay.

In the Methodist church, we do have smaller adult Sunday school groups where a body can actually get to know other people better. In this other church, there was no such thing. They have other Bible studies and different support groups but no mechanism for getting to know people on Sunday. And my thing has been being part of the teaching team for our class. I think it’s what I’ve always liked about the Methodist church and have always been a part of the teaching team.

And if God is telling her to move to a different church, why hasn’t He said squat to her about our marriage? How does telling her to go to a different place of worship jive with keeping our family together? Perhaps God IS telling us both to move on in different directions. Is that possible? Is it likely? Would God actually facilitate the separation and dissolution of a marriage?

I don’t know. It certainly runs counter to all the traditions and teachings that I have ever known. While some churches are more tolerant of divorce than others, I can’t say I know of any that are in the business of facilitating amicable separations.

And yet, the reality is that this is where I feel pulled. The house seems too small. My needs are too large. We’re nearing a (as in within a couple of years) critical stage where running a separate household might be nearly feasible. Her pulling away to another church is more congruent with that reality than one where we are reconciled. I’m not closing the door on reclaiming the marriage as much as being open to this other possibility. I would not expect God to lead in that direction, but could He?

If Arwyn and I, despite relatively little communication of any sort, have arrived at the same conclusion at the same (roughly) time, could that be interpreted as some sort of Divine sign? Again, this is foreign territory to me.

The lack of sex is a persistent and ongoing thing but it isn’t the entire issue or even the most prominent one at the moment. I actually find the spiritual schism is actually the more troubling issue or at least the one that marks a truer depth of difference between us.

D.