So What?

It has been a little while since I updated as there has not been a lot to talk about. While it has been relatively drama free it has also been relatively thrill-free, if you catch my meaning. We’ve been doing the counseling bit about every other week and the “accountability” factor of that has faded away. Arwyn went on a 4 week “Daniel Fast” and I guess sex was on the list of forbidden things. And now we’re into lent, so I’m pretty sure she’s going off sex for that, too.

There was one interlude/incident in there. It was around Valentine’s Day, of all times. V-Day itself wasn’t much to talk about. I did get Arwyn a card and a new computer moniter, which she should have gotten around Christmas but someone from UPS stole it. She did nothing for the day…not even a card. But I wasn’t expecting much at all and so the day passed in typical fashion for us, which s to say not much romance in the air. But early the next morning, I woke up to her rummaging around…locking the door and basically getting naked. Then she climbed into bed and actually got under the covers with me and snuggled right up on me wrapping her arms and legs around me.. It was a really nice way to wake up! I can not remember the last time she woke me up that way, but I was sure to express my appreciation and again during the next counseling session.

Our counseling sessions typically begin with him asking us to name anything the that we noticed that one spouse did to strengthen the relationship. So Arwyn typically names something that I did and I name something she did. Sometimes I have a really, really hard time coming up with anything even when we haven’t met for 2 weeks. I know he is going to ask this question so I am constantly looking for stuff. And I find I am having to dig really really deep to come up with anything. Last session, I was reduced to praising her for doing all the laundry. It was the only thing I could find! If she had made even one meal for me, I would have had something better. It sounded lame, no matter how good of a spin I tried to put on it. “Well, it just helps me to have the week started off right by having all of my clothes clean and not having to worry about it.” It was hard even sounding half way enthusiastic. That’s not necessarily all about it being her fault for not doing anything as it is me not seeing and appreciating it so much. After we exchanged ideas of how the other one strengthened our relationship, we moved on to how we might have done something harmful or when we screwed up. This was a lot easier for me and seemed more difficult for Arwyn.

Arwyn did buy the DVD of Fireproof over a month ago. She watched it as soon as she bought it and then I watched it later. I believe the movie might have been panned by some other neighborhood critics and there is some justification for that, especially if you are looking for a Hollywood movie. However, this thing was shot and made in Albany, Georgia with a cast of total amateurs. Kirk Cameron was the sole Hollywood actor, and I’m probably not the only one who thought the rest of the cast probably out-acted him. His leading lady, who also doubled as a make-up artist, did a fine job as well as the rest of his co-stars. But one spin-off from the movie is the book The Love Dare which Arwyn also bought at the same time as she bought the movie. This did get a mention (by me) in a counseling session as a positive move, but that was it. She either hasn’t read the book or read it and hasn’t decided to do anything in it. I haven’t read it, but then I’m also not the one who spent money on it. I suppose I could read it and do all the stuff in there, which is what I’m sure Arwyn would very much like. I’ve ran into a lot of people (mostly women) who have bought the book hoping that their spouses would read it! IMHO, that totally defeats the purpose and the spirit of the exercise. If you don’t want to do it, fine. But don’t waste money buying a program for someone else that you aren’t willing to do. And this is pretty consistent with Arwyn’s M.O., where she knows what she wants ME to do while not necessarily investing a lot in our relationship or at least as far as I can see.

Sounds pretty negative, doesn’t it? Thing is, the counseling has taken us to a certain point and now we’re just sort of hanging out there and not moving forward. We’re pretty close to not doing it any more as we’re stalled and childcare is about to be an issue again.

What else?

I’m still smoke free and haven’t thought about it much for a few months. But I could pick one up today and totally enjoy it.

The weight is a big battle, still. I’m at 207, give or take a pound so those skinny pants I bought last year are pretty snug. I’m not sure how I’m going to get back on track with that.

Money-wise, we are in great shape or in the best shape we’ve ever been in. Job is decent, the kids seem healthy so things are okay. I’m not complaining, which is probably why I’m not posting so much!

Just some New Year’s Thoughts…

I saw a question on the christian Nympos blog that really perked my ears up where a guy asked how he can tell whether or not his future wife will be a Christian nympho:

Since I’m not supposed to have premarital sex, how can I tell if a woman will be responsive on a regular basis after marriage?

How does one find out if a girl is sexually healthy, active and willing to experiment with out sleeping with her?

Of course I did comment and you can read the edited version of it on their website. It was edited, because I included a link to my own site weighing in on the topic with considerably more detail.

I feel kind of bad about that link being stripped out, but I also sort of know why they did it, since many of those things can not be known until after one actually has sex, and having sex outside of marriage is wrong. But with just a bit more investigation, it is apparent that while their site may be a great help to many, they really are not too interested in being an open community. No trackbacks or even links to commentors own blogs. And that makes me feel a bit bad for the guys who are asking questions over there, because those women are mostly there to help and support other women. Oh well. Keeping folks like that on the RSS is just an act of frustration. Good resource but women like my wife have absolutely no interest in a site like that.

I’m rereading the Schnarch book, as the insights gained there were so key to the progress Arwyn and I made last year. It enabled me to not be so defensive and handle the rejection better which eventually began to help her move in a more positive direction. While the therapy sort of jumpstarted things and brought some accountability to bear, we have not managed to get to any real depth in almost a year.

This past year, I did manage to meet some important goals:
1. We did break the 2 year sex drought and intimacy went forward before it slid back.
2. I got my weight down to a low of 187 before gaining back to 207 Still working on it.
3. The weight gain was largely caused by quitting smoking. Smoke free since July.
4. Other than the house, we are Debt Free!
5. I’m playing solidly in the standard level in Stepmania
6. Still on Supaeasy on FoF (which will work with any PC compatible guitar controller)

So, much progress has been made over the last 12 months, it will still take a lot of work to maintain these things. I could light a cigarette today and still enjoy it. And the weight creep and debt creep are constant threats. But the intimacy battle is the big one.
2009? Who knows? I like the idea of continuing to reinvent myself in new ways and become a better me. None of these things would have happened without God providing the means, the strength and the grace to follow through. Only God knows the plans He has for me and it is going to be an adventure no matter what.

Hoping the best for all of you in 2009!

198.4

<!– @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –>

Yep, that’s what the scale read last weekend when I stepped on it. I knew that my weight had crept up over the summer and could feel tightness in the waist and my knees were starting to protest. It is high time to get back on the program.

There are several reasons for the weight gain. One is the gain associated with travel and eating junk on the road and then relatives being alarmed at my new skinniness and determined to fatten me up. After we got back, the bad habits sort of continued on as the quality of my foods declined while the quanity increased. Arwyn’s home made carrot cake actually has a decent amount of fiber in it but the cup of sugar and cup of fat kind of negate most of that. And the ice cream we put on top of it definitely didn’t help my cause.

Ah, Arwyn’s birthday! I’ll take a pit stop on the weight treadmill and get into that for a minute. I did not give her my 20 list, and opted for a sentimental card and handwrote some sentimental thoughts in my own screechy-scrawly handwriting. I also got her a $25 gift card for iTunes so she could get songs for her mp3 player. Unfortunately I had no idea Apple’s DRM would make getting the songs from her computer to her non-over-priced iPod player more difficult. I found a way to do it after much frustration. APPLE, YOU SUCK! I used to be a Mac person and didn’t have a lot against Apple until this crap. If I hadn’t found a way around it, it would have rendered the iTunes card worthless! Next time we get online music, it will be through Amazon, ThankYouVeryMuch!

We also went out to her favorite restaurant for lunch where she could get her favorite streak.

After all this (Cake, cards, gift card, defeating the evil DRM) and making it as restful of a day as possiblr for Arwyn, she was angling for some more stuff. There were a couple of CD’s she wanted, but I was trying to make sure we had enough money to get through payday. I was a bit put off by her angling for more. Yeah, I know what she really wanted was a new digital camera, but I couldn’t afford to buy one without going into more debt. We just finished a 3,000 mile 3 week vacation! That plus the car insurance was due…we did real good staying totally afloat this month. So I was not keen to buy more stuff. While she sort of seemed to understand she also seemed a bit pouty. Sorry.

Back to the weight treadmill…

A year ago, I was determined to lose a bunch of weight and I did it. But there was a bit of cheating going on in that I was smoking regularly the whole entire time. So while I was eating healthy and exercising and shedding pounds, I was also feeding my addiction. Part of my big weight was from trying to quit the year before. I was successful for quite a while (about 10 months or so) but gained on top of being already overweight until I was obese! So this time, I went down to my pre-nonsmoking weight of 220, and then kept on going. In the back of my mind I knew I wanted to make another run at getting rid of the addiction. I was sick and tired of behaving like an addict, hiding my habit from my wife and kids. Arwyn knew and made it known that she didn’t like it one bit. But she didn’t nag me terribly about it, she might just make coughing noises from across the house when she heard me come in from the garage or make a production of turning on all the fans when I came in from outside after a smoke.

So, the vacation was prime time to quit smoking. I made great strides until we got to my parents’ house and then was at it for a few days, but lighter. But once we got back, I’ve been smoke free. I have this $50 gum that I chew after meals when I’m really jonesing, but otherwise it has been cold turkey. It has not been easy at all. I miss those bloody things, believe it or not. Going back would be easier than gravity. But I’m making a real go of it. And I’m going to try to keep my weight from blowing up while I’m at it. So I’m back to the step mat, and some controlled eating (although not quite as radical as before) and this time without the smokes. And without substantial support from Arwyn. It was that way with the weight loss, too, even though she has expressed some appreciation of being able to wrap her legs all the way around me when we’re in the missionary position. I quite like that, too! But it has not happened since the night we got back from vacation. It’s not all on her, as I’ve been busy and not made it easy to initiate with me. And our joint therapy appointment was cancelled this week because we couldn’t get the childcare thing arranged.

But I wouldn’t say we’re doing badly as much as we are in a holding pattern while life starts to take over. We really could use a date night away from the house and kids.

Would my 20 things list be better suited to an anniversary card? That’s coming up pretty soon.

D.

LOST

That’s what I’ve been watching the past week ever since I discovered all of the seasons are now available online. I’ve watched a few episodes before but never really got hooked. I’m kind of glad I didn’t because now I can just watch as many consecutive episodes as I want without having to wait! It’s a lot like watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended version) when you didn’t see the original movies. This being made even more true by the presence of Dominic Monaghan a former hobbit of said trilogy. I’m almost through season 2!

But it also reflects where we are the past few days. Thanks for all of the comments and encouragement, and I expected a lot of positive feedback given the fact that most of you have been beating me over head with a counseling club the past couple of years. Arwyn is willing to go, this is true and good. But we’re still not really going anywhere. I looked at some old journals and found that this business of being marooned dates back to at least 1999! Which happens to coincide with the birth of our first child.

Desmond asked for some special needs child backstory. No, this has not been a theme of this blog although it has been a major theme for Arwyn’s emotional storyline. I actually do have a blog out there that deals with autism and disabilities (she knows about that one but doesn’t read it) but my personal story as a parent still is not a major theme there. It’s sort of a secondary story. It has been a big part of our lives and I think we’ve been dealing with it. But I put the marriage on a higher priority level than any disability. This is easier said than done for any mother I’ve ever met. The children usually are elevated into a position of supreme importance and most other things become marginalized including the mothers themselves. In the process, I had to learn to be less selfish which has been a constant and painful exercise.

The divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is about 80%. For autism it is around 90% according to statics Arwyn has read. The question of “why” has not been sufficiently addressed in the professional literature of either autism or marital therapy fields. It’s not hard to imagine how increased medical costs can strain a marriage financially. Or the stress of raising a child with physical and behavioral issues. However autism lends itself to stresses as far as cause and treatment unlike any other disorder or disability. There are no physical markers. There are no blood tests. There are behavioral rating scales and tests of physical, emotional and adaptive development. Even though everyone agrees this is neurological no one knows exactly the the cause and there is no cure. So it is like there is this mystery thing at work and Arwyn set off to solve it. Mostly without me, even though my education and background are more in-depth in this area. She set off to find the cure. This involved trying a lot of stupid crap. Special diets. Special nutrients. Special therapies. All of it is pseudoscience and all of it is expensive as hell. Our financial hell was mostly fueled by this sort of crap financed by my limited salary as a special education teacher.

As I started to say last post, my response to Arwyn’s deepening obsession with pseudo science was anger and withdrawal. Supportive? Why on earth would I support something that is so obviously fraudulant? It is a long con that always opens with “Just try it! Wouldn’t you do anything for your child if there was only just a chance? Why won’t you just try it? How can you put a dollar amount on the health of your child?”

All cons make use of pride, guilt and fear. With autism, the guilt is already there and so is the fear. All the con artist has to do is fan the flame a bit and then pride takes over when a family who is doing the diet, therapy or other expensive intervention is seen as being more hopeful, more intelligent, more diligent and a better parent than the ones who are not throwing money down the toilet. I might even get a comment or two here from purveyors of crap if I give this an “autism” tag. It’s like the spanking discussion; it’s hard to have a rational conversation about interventions when so much is based on irrational feelings.

Parents of older kids know what we’re just starting to learn: we have to accept our kids as they are. Autism is not the end of the world. It doesn’t have to be the end of marriage. But it frequently is.

If you talk to women, they will point the fingers at the father. He is in denial and can not handle it so he abandons his wife and child. I do see that sometimes, but that is making it seem more simple than it really is. The man might not be abandoning his child as much as his wife. Is it because he wants no responsibility? Not likely since most guys are willing to put forth a minimum of effort if they get married in the first place. But I have seen firsthand the change the mother goes through once she becomes mother. The whole concept of “wife” get thrown out the window in favor of this new role. The guy who is now “father” doesn’t anticipate the role of “husband” coming to an end but that pretty much becomes the reality. Most couples do experience a cascading effect where marital satisfaction declines after a child is born. It involves a fundamental shift in roles and responsibilities and if a marriage is already weak, having a child makes it even weaker. If the child has special needs, multiply that effect by a factor of 4.

Arwyn did admit that she was consumed by the autism world until fairly recently. She can still get caught up in things but she has mellowed on it a bit. Her and I would still have intimacy issues regardless of our child’s disability, so I have not made that a major theme here. We are exceptional and extraordinary because of what we’ve been through. But we haven’t gotten any closer as much as we’ve gotten less hostile which is progress of its own. But we can do so much better if the marriage could just show up on the radar screen for both of us once in a while. The counseling at least helps put it there for an hour or so a week.

D.

Counseling, a Meme and 195.4

I’ll just weigh in a day or two early and then go get something to eat!LOL!

2amsomewhere recently did a purpose driven meme and tagged me with it. Actually, I was already on my way over off the link before I saw I’d been tagged. It’s a survey put on by some of his friends at the Schnarch Center about relationships and sex. The purpose of this is to normalize their results and to test it, so there aren’t any results to be gotten, unlike the little quizzes in my “About” page. However it does make a body think about what they think.

In order to make sure that these two instruments are reliable and valid with a large and diverse population, we would greatly appreciate it if you would cut and paste the link on to your website or forward it to your friends. We want a diverse population in terms of ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, age and gender!

So these are 2am’s rules:

1. Take the survey described above.
2. Create a blog posting announcing the survey.
3. Tag seven other bloggers to take the survey by listing them in your post and contacting them by either e-mail or blog comment.

Only one more thing to do, which is #3. Seven seems like a high number to me, but let me see if I can find the 7:

1. Christian Husband
2. FTN
3. Confused Husband
4. Xi Summit
5. Tajalude
6. Hazel
7. Mu Ling

Hey, that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! I’m sort of worried about the results being all skewed and dysfunctional due to the nature of my blogroll, though.

And finally, just wanted to share something I found on Rod Smith’s blog that was enlightening. When Will Counseling work Best? When will it not?… is a pretty fair and balanced treatment of the subject. Lot’s of you have weighed in, and considering the results of my last post I thought a fair treatment of the subject was in order. I think the biggest obstacle at the present time is …well… time. If I was really sick and injured, I would go to see a doctor. But I’d have to really be sick or injured. I’ve got sore ankles and knees and sometimes get the sniffles, but I’m not seeing anyone.

So that must mean that things in my relationship aren’t bad enough. Yet.

Yeah, that pretty much sums things up. I mean if they were all that bad I would more seriously be weighing the therapist/attorney options. But Arwyn has become a better roommate than she was a year ago. There is that much progress, which is better than none at all. The house isn’t all run down when I come home and it is manageable enough that I can help out when needed. It’s easier to cook in a clean kitchen. We are talking better about money. Every month, we are going over her credit card balances and we each write out checks. We probably need to expand that conversation a bit more about other expenses but there is movement. The sex thing is just a big, huge boil that irritates everything else. I’m not confronting her at all because while I’m attracted to her physically I’m not up for the “mercy fuck.” I was hoping my weight loss would help lessen the “mercy” part of it for her, so she might actually want to do it more. Or maybe I haven’t lost enough, yet.

D.

I’m in the process of properly tagging everyone by commenting on their blogs, so if I haven’t gotten to you yet, consider yourself warned!

[Now I know why I don't do more comments and tags...blogspot word verification SUCKS!  I ALWAYS end up having to type goofy crap out several times!] 

Weighing In

 

Well, let’s get to the weigh-in since that is here the progress is being made…sort of.  Last week I was at 211.6 pounds according to my new digital scale.  On Monday morning, my new weight was 209.0 pounds.  Not a huge loss which is more a symptom of my eating larger and larger portions of stuff thus violating the whole 1000 calorie/day thing.  Plus my exercise regime has suffered mostly because work has been so busy.  This is also why my blogging has been less than regular.  FWIW, I would rather exercise than blog at the moment.  I’m kind of hankering to get below 200 pounds.

Now to move on to the discussion below…

It sort of started spinning out of the orbit of reality which is entertaining but not very productive.  I do think the resident feminists, Mu Ling and Emily, had some valid points at least from an oblique angle.  I wouldn’t consider myself a feminist by any stretch but my present period of introspection lends itself to me re-evaluating some things I might otherwise believe.  I’m in the middle of a paradigm shift.

 One question seems to be whether or not I’m treating Arwyn like a child or whether she’s acting like a child.  Neither of these is completely true, but there are elements of both.  Arwyn’s secrecy and her propensity for getting in over her head is somewhat childlike.  But her and I see debt in a different light, just like all of you disagree with me on certain points.  To me, debt is an awesomely heavy burden that steals energy and resources.  That wasn’t always the case, obviously otherwise I would not have had to fight so hard to get out.  My new view on debt is part of this new paradigm shift.  However, I view her debt in a worse light than my own because she has such a small income.  It’s also not exactly my debt, meaning I didn’t have anything to do with incurring it.  Is that a fair view?  No. 

I do only give one side of the story and it is often lopsided.  Arwyn does take care of the boys pretty much all the time when they are not at school.  I can get perfect attendance at my workplace because she takes them when they are sick and runs them to doctor’s appointments.  She does do all the laundry, all the cleaning and most of the dishes.  While she doesn’t exactly cook, she will heat stuff up which enables her to feed the boys while I stay late for work or to work out.  When she does go to her bible studies or other church events she pretty much has them all ready for bed.  And no, we don’t have a maid.  I think Desperate Husband or some other blogger might have had housekeeper or someone to help out, but not me.  But having a 22 year-old Filipino gal hanging around wouldn’t be a bad idea!;-)

So what is fair compensation for all of these things?  Rent, food and clothing?  To be fair, she’s entitled to a lot better than that.  During our latest talk she did acknowledge that I was better about not being so stingy which goes hand-in-hand with not being so overburdened with debt.  But it hasn’t been proportional. 

She’s working on finding another part-time job, but I’m feeling of ambiguous about this.  Fact is, there is no part-time job she could get that would pay anything that would not negatively effect me and the boys.  Mostly me.  At the same time, she obviously needs some oversight in the financial department.  I’m thinking about some sort of match-type assistance where I match whatever contributions she makes towards paying down her debt so that it can be paid down quicker with the stipulation that we go over those bills together so that I know what is going on.  The hiding of this stuff has got to stop immediately.  I think part of the trust issue is my history of being very tight fisted with the lion’s share of the money.  So yes, I have a history of being controlling in that respect.  I’ve been working on loosening up and letting her get things that she thinks she needs even if I’m not totally convinced of the same.  I’m sure she doesn’t think I need a lot of stuff I buy.  So there is a legitimate history behind some of her behaviors, although they have historically gotten out of control.

D.

The Discussion and Weigh in

I think I’ll start with the weigh-in first.  This is really the first “official” weigh-in, as last week’s loss was figured on two different scales under different conditions.  Today, it was the same scale at about the same time.

 

Last week I was at 218.x, which was down from the previous week’s unofficial 228.  This week, the scale tipped in at 211.6.  Not as impressive, but still a loss, which I’m okay with.  My workouts have been sporadic, and the not eating like a pig has been a struggle.  But I’m sticking to it.

 

I now weigh less than I did when I got married 11 years ago, which was around 220.  I’m not sure how much I weighed when Arwyn and I first met, but I must be right around that point.  It’s pretty safe to say she didn’t marry me for my body.

 

So now to update you on the latest drama.  Occasionally there is a case of divine intervention in the form of an autistic son with sleep disturbances.  Which basically means that the Friday Night Fight didn’t happen.

 

When Arwyn got home, she discovered the bill on the counter and quickly (yet quietly) took it to her secret location.  You and I know the damage was already done.  She was less than certain.

 

Rosie said she should devote every cent of her paycheck towards the debt.  That’s the problem: she doesn’t make that much.  She will not make $5000 this year working 3 days a week 9 to 1:00.  So this is why I blew my top.  Many of the charges stem from this stupid preschool teaching job where she has to buy her own supplies.  She bought her own laminating machine, cutting board, buys her own construction paper and constantly feeds ink to her printer.  This is a loser job mostly subsidized by me. 

 

So the evening was spent seething with anger.  I tried checking the blogroll, looking for train wrecks worse than mine.  Even Desperate Husband was looking quiet.  2Amsomewhere  usually has something cooking, but lately his has been all on the job front. Joe Flirt was about the only guy who was rendering up enough angst to compete this week.

 

So to answer CH‘s query, no I’m definitely not shedding the avoider mentality, but I am going to have to be less of one.  I really had to steel myself and I was determined to have the conversation that needed to be had.  Saturday was spent on yard work and garden work for the fall garden.  I was thinking rain this weekend, but I may have to wait a week.  Collards, elephant garlic, brussel sprouts, broccoli, romaine lettuce and cabbage all went in.   My cherry tomatoes are the only thing still producing so that bed will be kept going for the moment.

 

I was tired at the end of the day.  Arwyn was getting ready for bed as I took my shower and we actually laid down at the same time.  The boys were both finally asleep, so I decided to go for it.  I was much more mellow than I would have the previous night which turned out to be a good thing.

 

My opening gambit was asking her exactly what it was that she was 12 stepping on in her recovery group.  I thought she might be working through codependency or other adult child issues.  But the fact is, is that really has not been working through anything specific.  She just goes to these groups 2x a week, and works through whatever there is.  I was annoyed and frustrated by this, since I couldn’t find any real traction here.  So I just came out and said I saw the Visa bill.  And the Sam’s bill.  I asked her when she was planning on telling me about it; perhaps when she was $10,000 in again?

 

She admitted that she had a problem but said she now had learned her lesson.  Denial, denial.  I wasn’t buying it.  As we talked through this, she admitted she had a problem but continued to claim she was over it and had learned from it.  We finally agreed that she was going to have to get another part-time job to pay down this debt on nights or weekends.  I was ready to sign her up at a local fast food place on the spot.  She is not keen on that, of course, and is looking for something more like a weekend receptionist job.  I’m looking for something more painful in order to help drive the message home and teach her to reform her ways.  But actually, I’m fine with however she does it.  It will involve some extra work on me, too, but not all that much.  I can already cook, clean and take care of the boys pretty much.

 

The discussion did continue on from there.  One thing Arwyn continues to do is accuse me of being controlling.  Over the years she has repeated that over and over.  I finally challenged her on it, and she couldn’t really come up with a concrete example.  I told her that I did want to have some say in raising the boys, preparing for the future and things about my own life.  I then flipped it and said she was actually the controlling one.  In her view, I’m controlling by not always giving in to her agenda.  I did admit to being manipulative at times, but added that this was pretty much a failed strategy.   If it doesn’t work, it’s hardly much of an issue.

 

We discussed our relationship and I told her I was tapped out of ideas.  She saw most of my attempts to improve our relationship as being controlling, so I’ve quit.  I told her I was waiting for her to show up to the marriage.  She asked for examples, and I brought up Dr. Phil’s book/program (which she actually bought) that I did 6 years ago and the recent ENQ, which she refused to do.   There are many others, of course.  Date night, the cage, prayer time together and other book programs.  I invited her to show up by bringing something to the table.  Anything.

 

She made it a point, here, to say that it just wasn’t about sex.  I made it a point to say I was looking for something more long-term, but at the same time the whole celibacy thing wasn’t working for me.  She said that she never intended celibacy to be a way of life bought really offered nothing to resolve or address that issue.  It’s actually in the sexual arena where Arwyn is at her most massively controlling.  She controls everything about sex from the environment and frequency to the method and duration.  My input is pretty much confined to the obvious act of inputting.  But that was not brought up as I didn’t want the discussion to deteriorate into crying and monkey fits.

 

As it was, Arwyn was very calm during this discussion.  I commented that this was a welcome relief from some past discussions we’ve attempted.

 

She finally suggested that we try to go out more, just the two of us.  Initially, she thought having my mom come down and watch the boys for us while we went somewhere was the answer.  Not exactly what I was looking for, but it was something.  And something beats nothing. 

 

Getting away is a good idea, but when you have a child with special needs, it becomes a major challenge.  My mom lives 1000 miles away and does not like to travel, which is a problem.   So not having family close by makes things more difficult.  We have had babysitters in the past, but not real often and never overnight.  We are a bit particular that way.

 

We covered other stuff, too, but those are the high points that I remember.  Counseling did come up as a possibility, so I said she could look into that as her church actually is offering it.  She said she might want to go on her own a bit first, which I agree with. 

 

The skeptic in me says don’t count on too many changes as a result of this one conversation.  I’ll have to see some action to back up all the talk. 

 

There was no sex after this as it was so late and I really wasn’t in the mood, still.  Being HL for someone who delivers or demands so little respect says more about my stupidity and shallowness than her desire.  On that score, XH was right.  I want sex, but I really want it wrapped within a package of love, caring, respect and passion.   Since I’m not feeling any of those things from her, I really need to salvage whatever thread of integrity I have left and stop trying to get in her pants.

 

D.

Holy Shit

It’s been kind of a tough week at work. Short staffed and an increased workload.  Thank God for a 3 day holiday, right?

 

RIGHT?

 

So I brought my weary self home just a bit early to get started on some R&R and Arwyn and the kids were out somewhere.  She got paid today, so doubtless the drunken sailor is at some whorehouse of a mall or Target, squandering it away.

 

I looked on the counter and saw a Target Visa bill.  That’s odd.  We cut that thing up a couple years back after she binged up $10,000 in debt.  It was just this past month that I finally got that bitch of a millstone cast off of my neck.  Beans and rice for 2 fucking years paying off that damn thing that we have nothing to show for.

 

Underneath the Target Visa was her Sam’s club statement.  The two combined for a total of more than $5,000.  And there is absolutely nothing to show for it.  Nothing.

Shit.

 

We are going to be having some words TONIGHT.

 

Accepting your wife because of who she is and what she does, my ass. 

Bite me.

 

D.

An Update on Lots of Things

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here.

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

 

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

 

D.

 

A Brief Kink Update

A couple of notes upfront: I’m seriously considering responding to Trueself’s tag, mostly because there are some other folks around here in need of a good meme’ing. Or even a meme’ing that is less than good.

Also thanks to those responding to the last post despite the rather depressing content. I can take some small comfort in the knowledge that there are others who have suffered worse for a lot longer.

But I do feel the need to at least give some slight treatment to my kinkier subplot, mainly chastity play. Suffice it to say, I have not been doing any cage play and have not felt like denying myself. I still richly enjoy reading Altarboy’s site and the contributions by those who are practicing, but motivation for me is about nil. I could probably enjoy some subspace but in the sort of relationship that I am presently in, the rebound on the backside is hardly worth it.

But the other morning it did sort of come up.

I usually buy all the groceries because I do most of the cooking. Plus during our leanest financial days I kept my hand tightly on the pocketbook like a seaman on a tiller during a storm. But now that storm has mostly past and I’m perfectly okay with Arwyn taking a check and going and buying whatever food she wants. She was a bit surprised at this, but I told her that as long as she was open and honest and not hiding stuff in the trunk of her car, things would be okay.

Arwyn then insisted that I must be snooping in her car. No, I just know how she operates. But she continued to protest that she knew I had been in her trunk. If I had remembered, I might have pressed her harder for how she knew, but I was not going to argue. I don’t go snooping in her car, ever. I figure I’ll find whatever she hides soon enough.

But later on, it finally dawned on me the source of her conviction. A couple of weeks ago, she came in the holding a small black box she found in her trunk. It was magnetically stuck to the first aid kit in her trunk. Can you guess what it was? She asked if I knew and I told her I had put it in there a long time ago. Maybe over a year ago. I told her to open it, and she slid the cover back and there were a pair of very small keys.

It was the discovery of that box that led her to believe that I was forever snooping. The fact is, I had all but forgotten about them. I have one key in the Shurlok, and that’s all I needed. But keeping a spare set in her trunk meant she could still get me out in an emergency and made her an unwitting keyholder. I’m not sure what she did with that box now that I think about it. It had fallen from the trunk lid to the first aid kit otherwise she may never have seen it.

She also found, while doing a bunch of cleaning, a key to the very first lock I had; the one that came with the original Curve that was on a necklace. She gave it to my youngest son to wear around his neck, which I thought was just not right. Never mind the key was now worthless, but it did still hold some symbolism. So I traded him a sticker or something for it and stowed it away.

Chastity play just is not attractive to me right now. I like to have some support during the process in the form of holding, cuddling and hugs. It helps me get into subspace instead of just getting pissed but she hasn’t the time or inclination, and neither do I.

D.