August/September Update

Where the heck did August go?

I’m glad I set myself up last post, as there were blog-worthy things that happened. I actually did rough one out, but never posted it. Maybe I’ll post it on one of my other blogs, just to hold those places open.

Let’s start with the counseling. I’ve been on the fence about continuing that for quite awhile and was seriously considering ditching it altogether. However, I was willing to go as long as Arwyn was willing, even though we weren’t able to go at the same time very often due to childcare issues. As it turns out, I didn’t have to quit at all. The therapist did! He is actually taking a job somewhere in Alabama, and Lord knows those people need the help over there. So we signed a release that allows him to talk to one of two replacements if we should decide to continue later on. But Arwyn and I agreed on taking a break. Once school started, things got hectic and busy in a hurry and counseling was just one more stressor. I think we did make some good headway, and I think we still might have things to work through but it was time to let this guy go and so it worked out just right.

Arwyn’s birthday was a bit of an event that inspired a blog post . But there was a little drama involved in that she annually chooses to shoot for the moon as far as gifts. She usually asks for something that seems outlandishly expensive. Sometimes I can work on a bit of a compromise, but this time it was just a no go all around. I had already gotten her something that she really needed (but didn’t know she wanted it until she got it) before she put in her request. It just seems a bit tacky to make a birthday into some sort of gambit to get more stuff. Maybe I should employ the same ethic only employ it toward more sexual adventures for my birthday! Otherwise, it went over pretty well, I think. It’s always hard because I feel like I’m not measuring up to expectations. And that’s why I don’t use the pressure tactic because I know what it feels like.

The wedding anniversary was a very low-key thing as it also coincided with the first day of school and there was a ton of business around that. Somewhere during that time, Arwyn also gave a testimony at her church for the 12-step type of recovery service they have there. I went in order to be supportive, even though her church is not my usual gig. And I got quite an earful. Of course a lot of it was stuff we had talked about in counseling but this was all her presenting it from her perspective.

Basically, she said that she did not marry me because she had any deep abiding love for me. Rather she believed that this was something God wanted her to do. So while it’s nice to know that she is willing to follow the Lord and all, I’m the equivalent of being sent to Ninevah, Ethipopia or Calcutta. I have no idea what she expected, but as time went on she became more and more angry and bitter. She also shared that she had lustful feelings toward others. I have no idea who that might be, but that was new and novel knowledge. So it was not surprising that while I was kicking around the idea of divorce or escape, so was she. However, she knew she was in no financial position to leave, so she hunkered down. She credits being part of teh church and the recovery group as being key in her turning herself around.

While she has made some great strides, I wouldn’t call it a regeneration by any stretch. But maybe it’s something that can happen more gradually. We’re all works in progress!

And the sex: well, we did have sex once since I last posted. It had been quite a while and it was late on a Friday night and we began getting amorous. Then she said, “Do you think we could have some time tomorrow night?”

“Sure, if you want to.”

She took some exception to that statement, “Well I would ask if I didn’t!”

But of course whatever is said on Friday with the best of intentions can be very, very easily undone by anything happening on Saturday. For instance when she wakes up and begins complaining about a sore back. Or something else happens and can kill the mood. But to her credit she did come around, albeit after quite a long wait on my part. But I was prepared to have it happen or not happen. Whatever. Anticipation can be wonderful but it can also be awful when expectations are dashed so often. It’s a lot easier to NOT get hopes up and be willing to let it happen or not happen. And once it did happen, it was really great.

But let’s be honest: this is not a sex life. These are nice sexual events. I enjoy them when they happen. I’ve found other things to occupy my time and thoughts. Sex just isn’t such a huge deal anymore. That’s not to say it will never be, but at the moment I’m not begging.

Here’s just one more thought rustling through my mind at the moment:

It has been abundantly clear that Arwyn has not had anywhere near the sexual attraction toward me that I have had for her in the past. I still think she is stunningly attractive. But me? Not so much. Part of my lack of sex drive is the fact that it’s pretty certain no one else is thinking of me in a sexual way. We can all imagine we’re God’s gift to womanhood, but once you get into middle aged that becomes even more of a delusion that can only be sustained with a considerable amount of cash and flash. And so, I’m thinking that I’m pretty lucky that Arwyn wants to have sex with me at all. But I’m not convinced that she really ever wants to, really. I think she can enjoy it once she’s in the moment, but it isn’t something she has ever looked forward to or anticipated. Not with me, anyway. So I look forward to gardening, reading, Farmtown or watching reruns on Hulu. It’s not very exciting blogging material, but that’s where i am right now.

What does “working on it” look like?

We are rapidly approaching the end of therapy, at least for the summer.  Last night, Arwyn and I had a rather  intense exchange about where we are at.  We’ve had these before, of course, and sometimes they get somewhere for awhile and then fizzle out.  Sort of like Farmwife’s garden analogy where the weeds keep coming back if the place isn’t tended regularly.  And the garden of our marriage is pretty lush with noxious weeds.

One of the questions that came out of a recent 1:1 therapy session was this: What would it look like if Arwyn made our relationship a priority?  If she was to really commit to working on it, what would it look like?  I had no idea, so last night I asked her.

A bit of background: for the past few years she’s been working part-time at a church preschool as a teacher.  She’s good at it and everyone tells her so.  She’s just gifted in this area.  She works 3 hours/day for 3 days a week, plus whatever time she puts into planning for it and putting stuff together.  She’s quite thorough and a bit of a perfectionist sometimes.  The preschool follows the school calendar, so sh gets all the breaks the kids get and summer off.  It doesn’t pay a lot, though.  This past spring many of our counseling sessions revolved around the idea of Arwyn considering quitting her job in order to concentrate on our family and especially our marriage.  While I was willing to support her in whatever decision, I had a few misgivings about the idea as in she’d get bored being at home alone and would simply find other things to fill her time.  The financial hit, while small, would involve us sacrificing some of the comforts we’ve started to enjoy since getting out of debt.  In the end, she decided she would stay with her job.

So I brought this up last night, and pointed out that she’s been off for nearly a month and I hadn’t seen any real work on  our relationship or marriage.  I brought up a few things I had tried.  So I asked what she had done.  Every time we have a joint couple’s session, the therapists asks us what we think the other has done to help strengthen our relationship.  And more often than not, I find myself grasping for anything.  ANYTHING.  I’ve come up with her doing laundry, taking care of the kids, sometimes cooking for me and having sex a time or two.  And the domestic chores truly look lame to me.  I mean they are important, but these are not reasons to get married and poor reasons to stay married.  She has a much easier time answering that, because I do step in help with domestic things and occasionally buy little things for her or make things for her or whatever.

But without getting real confrontational, I asked her to help me out.  I could be just really obstinate and blind and missing all the things she is doing for our relationship.  So what has she done?  She had to think awhile and she did come up with one thing.  Back when she bought Fire Proof and The Love Dare.  That was one thing and I definitely used that as an example in one of our counseling sessions back in February.  But she had to really dial back a long way.  She admitted that she hasn’t done much since then and hadn’t picked up the love dare book since she bought it.

We then had an exchange about how hard I can be to please, sometimes.  I didn’t really see this, but I’m more than game to hear here out.  She wanted to me to name stuff she could do to make me feel appreciated and valued as she said she had no idea. I should have just given her (another) copy of my top 20 list.  And perhaps I still will.

Throughout the discussion, she did occasionally venture into “I’m sorry but you seem to want me to be someone who I’m not.”  I’ve heard of other guys getting caught with that one, but I really wasn’t accepting it.  I asked her, “Well, are you happy with who you are?  Are you satisfied with the way things are?”  She said no.  So basically, I’d like to see her be whoever she’s going to be and would be happy to help her get there, but staying the same is not a happy option for either of us.

There was lots of other content here, but sex was not a major part of it, as that just pushes her too far.  And she was on the edge of leaving the room crying as it was.  She does feel a lot of guilt from that so I didn’t feel like pushing it at the moment.  What did come out was that my interest has waned over time.  A lot of the hope has drained away for anything resembling a lovely, regular and fulfilling sex life. I’d still like it, but I don’t see Arwyn ever turning into someone who could want or enjoy that.  I’m just looking for something more basic that says she values our relationship beyond the money and lifestyle I provide.  Then perhaps we can build on that.

20 Ways to Marriage Improvement and a Better Sex Life

My postings become ever so scarce, mostly because there has been no real movement. Well, not much. And none in the right direction.

Arwyn has effectively learned how to game the whole counseling business and keep the topics in safe territory. As an avoider, sometimes this suits me emotionally but not so much in reality. And the larger question of just how committed Arwyn is to any meaningful degree of intimacy remains to be seen. She does like to talk about selected topics, and sometimes I’m perfectly keen to engage her in these conversations about what to do for a vacation or fixing the house or about the kids. But there has been no real physical affection the last few weeks to speak of. The thing is that she seems perfectly fine with that.

We did go out of town for a few days (with the kids) and that was a trip that had fun moments but was bereft of any affection. And the few times I tried to just reach out to her were met by simple indifference or moving away. Last night, I had finally just had it. We went to bed at 9:30 (way early for me and about right for her) and I did want to just cuddle and snuggle. And yes, I would have liked some sexual intimacy with that, but I was simply starving for some real reciprocal physical touching. She was having none of it. She was in her typical inverted position and I actually inverted so we were both in the same direction although not in the same plane when it comes to covers of blankets. She complained that her back was hurting and mine has been bugging me for the past week as well. Part of my problem is the lack of physical comfort, which I need to find a way to deal or cope with. But she gradually got more irritated with me being so close to her and my breathing. I finally suggested that maybe we needed to get new beds…one for each of us. she asked me what I was talking about and I suggested that that is the way we were practically sleeping anyway. She took some offense and pointed out several times in the last two weeks when I was tired or not feeling well. As if she was keen to have sex on those days or had any intentions or inclination toward any physical affection then.

I relented and got back in my own position in the bed under the proper plane of covers. She said she was just too tired and I said that was fine. “However, you need to understand that just because I’m not pawing you all the time that does NOT mean I am okay with involuntary celibacy.”

“That’s fine.” she responded.

“That’s the problem; you’re too fine with it.”

And that is where it ended.

shit. I feel like I have bloodied myself over and over against the same brick wall. What I said last joint counseling session is more true than ever and is also a reason for my lack of blogging. I feel spent. I’m tired and tapped out. I simply don’t have the energy to keep rolling that big boulder up the hill just to have it roll right back down again.

Sure we had fun with the kids last week. But I could have probably had more fun with the kids without Arwyn’s whining and fussiness and paranoia. I could have been with my sister, a nanny or Arwyn’s mother. Yeah, these are good times just being with someone I care about. But we are essentially strangers to each other and that seems to be the way Arwyn prefers it. THAT is a very bitter pill to swallow.

Let’s see if I can list the interventions attempted in order to improve our marriage or deal with the lack of intimacy in no particular order. I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in these if I were you, considering they haven’t done much for me so far.

1. Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue: she bought this one for herself but never did it. But I did and did all the stuff without the benefit of the workbook. She never touched it. When I got to the part where I had to interact with her, she said she wanted to wait until she had a chance to go through it herself. And that’s where that ended.
2. Praying together: I bought several books on this and Arwyn looked them. But this lasted less than 2 weeks because Arwyn couldn’t decide on a good time to do it.
3. Date night: tried this several times with several permutations with the latest being a “media free night.” Some okay talking and even some decent sex happened on occasion but it was never a consistent thing. something else always pre-empted our night.
4. Real dates: A local church used to offer respites once a month that we did at times. But they were for 4 hours and took place at odd times like 10-2 or 2-6 0r 9-1 and sometimes 5-9. The ticking clock really got in the way of feeling relaxed. But our youngest was conceived during one of those respite times. But neither of us were really into the inconsistency of this program.
5. A raft of self-help and relationship books as well as a ton of research into various peer-reviewed journals. Many of these were good, but I was the only one reading them. It gave me dandy insights that I could share…
6. iVillage Clashing Libidos/Mismatched Libidos or whatever it might be called now. It can be a really nice support group and it can also be a snake pit. iVillage had some really screwy terms of service as far as what was considered appropriate or not and I was forever testing limits. I probably called some stupid people stupid and got fire for it more than once. Which led to…
7. Blogging. Here we are! My own space so I can write my own stuff and interact with whoever I want, whenever I want. Or not. All without censorship. I made some nice virtual friends and for awhile this was the place to be for relationship issues. Some of this has helped keep me moving things along through it being a sort of accountability/support group. Maybe my lack of energy is caused by less blogging on it as much as it is a result of it. Reading other folks has been a source of good ideas and inspiration at times.
8. Chastity play. That was a major theme of this blog and the archives still bring in bus loads of kinksters. At times, it did seem to help in various ways, but when Arwyn’s interest in that venture waned, it was less and less fun to do by myself. In fact, I began to resent her more for her total lack of interest and involvement in this kink. I know it isn’t her fault if she’s not into that sort of thing, but it looks like non-interest in ME. And I’m still looking for refutation of that particular view.
9. 2-minute intimacy. That was my own pet campaign, where I tried to just get two minutes of hugging/holding each day. It was a bit nightmarish, because I discovered that 30 seconds was the best I could get consistently. I’m sure I came off as being overly needy during this, but it was based in small part on one of Dr. Phil’s exercises (which may have come from Schnarch) which involves hugging until relaxed.
10. Schnarch. This is not a program, per se, but his material has provided me with a good deal of insight. I would say that I did benefit a great deal from it, and have benefited from occasionally revisiting it. Basically, it is more about altering my own attitude more than Arwyn’s behavior. However, it also allows for some integrity in the midst of conflict, which is why I felt I had to let Arwyn know that I was not okay with the way things are at the moment.
11. Individual prayer, supplication, Bible study and generally wrestling with God over this issue. Otherwise, I would have flown this coop long ago. This has been a spiritual journey more than anything else.
12. Counseling. Mustn’t forget this! Afterall, this was a major thing that my blog readers spent years clamoring for. Oddly, most of the folks clamoring for it have never done it themselves. Or not so oddly. And about now is where readers/commenters will tell me I haven’t found the right counselor.
13. Compromise. Yes, this is what marriage is all about, right? So when Arwyn was too tired, not interested or whatever the reason not into sex, I could ask for a handjob and she would do it more often than not. BUT it was decidedly NOT remotely what I wanted or needed. It became an emotionally sterile procedure designed to medicate me and get me off her back. At least it made me more aware that intimacy was what I wanted and needed.
14. Money and gifts. The getting of gifts happens to be a love language of hers, so sometimes this actually works. I can seemingly buy some genuine affection for about $200, or so it seems. Cash does seem to be an aphrodisiac of a sort, which seems to be true the world over. Money can’t buy love, but it can buy something that looks an awful lot more like it than what a lot lot of people get from those who claim to love them.
15. Extra chores, extra help around the house, extra appreciation, extra extra, extra! All these extras gave Arwyn a lot more time in order to invest in other interests. I was not one of them. I know, I should be able to do them just because with no expectation of anything in return. But the extras depleted me and added extra stress and another avenue of criticism when they weren’t done right. I’m not talking about washing the car once a week. This is floor, toilet and shower scrubbing, vacuuming type stuff. Plus the cooking and groceries that I always do.
16. Give myself a make-over. Losing gobs of weight, stopped smoking and did more stuff with the kids. These were all major points of contention for Arwyn as far as how she viewed me. Or so she said. But honestly, these were just more conditions and obstacles. I think the “no deep kissing because you smell/taste like smoke” was the most telling. She just does not go that way, period. The above things were good, in and of themselves and make me a better person/father all ’round. But there was always a part of me that was hoping that these things would help win her over.
17. Talking, confronting, arguing fighting. Off and on over the years, we get into it over the sex and intimacy issue. for her, intimacy = talking. For me…not so much. I’m willing to do my version and hers at the same time or switch off but sex is just important for me to feel like I’m a man married to a woman and not just a roommate or girlfriend. so we have blow ups and blow outs about it. Things might improve for a week but it slides back again.
18. Avoiding. This is something that I’ve tried more often than not, and is definitely Arwyn’s tactic/intervention of choice. Basically the idea is to outlast the other person or outlast the problem. Either way, I get screwed and not in a good way.
19. Solo sex. Hey, if I can’t be intimate with my wife, perhaps I can deepen intimacy with myself. Chastity play extended into this arena as well as the aneros and the fleshlight. Sure, I learned a thing or two about kinkiness and subspace and what trips my trigger, but that’s not exactly the sort of intimacy I was looking for. It certainly is not the sort of relationship that entered into my mind on my wedding day. “Wow, I’m married! Now I can stick stuff up my butt!” Right.
20. Affair. The closest I ever got was that deal with Cleopatra a few years ago. We spoke on the phone once and it wasn’t even phone sex or cybersex, it was more like exchanging frustrations and flirtations. About the same time I got flirtatious with a co-worker or her flirting with me more like. Heaven knows I enjoyed that attention, but both women had way more issues than I wanted to deal with as if I didn’t have enough of my own! It never even got to much of an emotional level but I won’t lie. I was seriously flirting with the idea of having an affair.
21. ENQ – I did this twice. The first time, Arwyn said she would do it, but did not. The second time she did it when the therapist assigned it. Hat tip to Joanna who brought that up.
22. Toys. These would be toys to enhance HER pleasure, specifically some cock rings to help me maintain a firmer erection plus some added textures to hit her buttons. Initially she seemed somewhat positive about it, if not a bit reserved. But when it came right down to it, it was a disaster. She refused to even try them.
    

#20 is not exactly “marriage improvement” so probably shouldn’t be on the list at all, but it was something I thought of at the time as a way to cope with the constant rejection. And that’s really what keeps bringing me down. Intimacy issues and hang-ups would be a lot easier to deal with if they didn’t come bundled with so much rejection. I can not touch my wife, hold my wife, caress my wife or kiss my wife in the manner that I would like to without getting told that I can’t.

Well, there you go. I’m probably missing some things from the above list, but you get the idea. This has been a very long process. Ordeal. Journey. Whatever. It has been long spanning no less than 10 ten years and going back to the beginning. To be sure I made mistakes and have tried to own up to them to Arwyn. I have asked for forgiveness but I’m not sure I ever got it from her, but you can not compel a person to forgive you or to love you. And that’s where I am; not too sure the woman I love loves me.

Return to Schnarch

Anyone reading the past month or so knows my relationship has seemingly stalled and begun taking a nose dive. Just when things were starting to look up, too! But this is the way it goes, sometimes. Well, pretty much ALL the time, because that’s sort of the way marriage works. A few steps forwards, and seemingly a few steps back into gridlock. But gridlock is where we are, because that’s where we have to be.

Last weekend, I went ahead and downloaded the mp3 version of Schnarch’s most recent book,Secrets of a Passionate Marriage. For me, it was a totally worthwhile download. Here, I could listen to Schnarch’s words delivered as he meant them to sound. And he manages to go through the whole thing in less than 2 hours. While I had begun rereading certain parts of Passionate Marrige, I was having a hard time getting into it. With the mp3, I could listen to it as many times as I wanted, in any order. Schnarch delivers his prose in a conversational style, sometimes in front of a “live” audience, as you can sometimes hear people laugh in the background as he delivers a humorous line.

And after the 3rd or so time through, some of this started to really sink back in. The therapist has been SO dead wrong in his approach. Pretty much all marriage therapists and sex therapists get it wrong, even though this stuff has been out around 20 years! The reason why it might not be so popular is because there is a definite spiritual focus on this approach to discovering intimacy. Schnarch makes no bones about how elegantly the sexual relationship acts as a catalyst for growth, change and intimacy. Or the fact that human sexuality is a product of deliberate and complex design. However, I do need to throw in a caveat that Schnarch is NOT an evangelical and is totally fine with referring and treating gay couples with his approach. But this should not detract from the truth that he reveals.

And that truth is, is that I’ve been dead wrong. I think I was saying that a year ago, too. For some reason, once we got into therapy, I sort of laid what I had learned then down. That was mistake. Just the act of calling a therapist and making an appointment and following through…these were all acts of trying to break the emotional gridlock. How odd that firing the therapist might be the next step in breaking this episode of emotional gridlock!LOL!

But we have been chasing our tails around the issues, here. There has been a bit of progress in that we have had more sex. Considering the score was a big fat ZERO for the previous year, it wouldn’t take much. On the intimacy front, I can say there was SOME progress, but much less pronounced.

The therapist is treating this as a communication issue, and it is definitely not a communication issue. The message could not be more clear: I want more sex. She does not. There is no way that the message could be more clear than nailing it to our foreheads! We get it! It’s right there! She wants a dog. I do not. In the case of dog ownership, I am the low desire partner. There is no communication issue, here! No matter how many times I speak her love language, she is not going to budge from her position. No matter how many times she speaks mine, I’m not getting a dog.

The problem is not one of speaking and listening. It is a problem of anxiety. Today, while listening to Schnarch, the light bulb went on. I’m getting it. Again.

Basically, Arwyn has a whole lot of anxiety about intimacy, especially as far as it is expressed sexually. But it also translates into her being a general avoider, too. And so it is, that I happen to share a lot of the same sorts of anxiety but it expresses itself a bit differently. We’re both kind of distant folk. Not unfriendly, but we have big boundaries around us and we keep a big distance. But at the same time we want a type of closeness. That’s the big rub, here. We both want to be close but we both want distance. It just so happens that I’m capable of having sex while maintaining quite a bit of distance. In other words, my emotional involvement doesn’t have to be terribly deep for me to have an orgasm. Arwyn is actually a lot alike me in that respect except she actually requires quite a lot of distance to orgasm. That’s why she prefers the lights off and the eyes tightly shut and she does not want me looking at her face while she is in the throes of passion. In other words, her emotional involvement is pretty well evenly matched with mine. It’s low. But there is a part of her that wants more.

What’s getting in the way is anxiety and fear. Sex is simply one way to have closeness while managing the anxiety, but Arwyn has simply not mastered much in the way of managing her fears. And so, like every other couple on the planet, we have to deal with the sexual leftovers.

Sexual leftovers is what every couple has when it comes to sex. Each person makes a list of what is too disgusting and perverted and then the other person makes their list and then you agree on the leftovers. That’s what you call compromise, right? But that leads to sexual boredom which leads to tension and eventual gridlock. At some point, the anxiety comes to a head and then has to be dealt with.

I feel like I’m drifting, here.

A few months back, we had probably the greatest breakthrough EVER as far as sexual intimacy. It was at a time when we were good all around. One night we approached each other and we ended up in the lotus position. Yeah, I figured out what it was. But I might have underestimated the amount of courage that went into this for her. And we may have done it a time or two since then. But some how we were able to manage that face-to-face intimacy.

Okay, I’m getting tired and need to turn in, but at least I have a better idea of what is going on and I’m not nearly as snarky on Arwyn as I was earlier. I’ll have to expound more on the differentiation aspect of this later, as we are still having to work through that.

Back in the Soup

We are now officially in a pattern. Actually we’ve been in this pattern many time before (that’s why it is a pattern) and looking at my blog archives helped identify the intensity and duration. Or at least the timing.

We haven’t had a joint counseling session in about 6 weeks because of childcare or other issues. And we have not had sex in about that long.

Either. Arwyn and I have each gone individually a time or two in that time, but we are definitely stuck back into this rut where things are in a downward spiral. Sex is not everything, but it can be a an indicator of general marital quality and right now it isn’t looking very good. Last week, I talked a bit about some of our tension to the counselor and he asked me if this was a pattern. At the time, I didn’t think it was. However, now I see very clearly that it is. The fall seems to be a bad time for Arwyn and I for whatever reason. From my side, it seems to be a time when I seem to need more physical attention. Not just sexually (but definitely sexually) but just plain basic physical cuddling and holding. It might have something to do with the colder weather or something where I expect more snuggling that in the summer. And in Georgia we don’t get but a few months of real good snuggle weather before it gets hot and sticky again. One of Arwyn’s early chief complaints against sleeping right next to me at night was that I was too hot. You would think this might be worth a premium during cold weather, but it is not.

The whole birthday sex thing, or the pattern of NOT having sex on my birthday. That’s just a deliberate lack of consideration and effort on her part. So this time of year I’m a bit randier and she is LESS desirous than her normal sub-average desire level. So the whole mismatch really bogs us down. I’ve been trying to deal and cope by trying to occupy myself with other thinks in order to not be always pressuring her. But that is just not working for me. It’s time to hash it out.

We also have a couple of other ongoing conflicts in relation to raising our oldest. Autism is not something like Down Syndrome, where there it a definite etiology and treatment. For autism, there is neither. She is of the mind to go always for the expensive diet and unproven medical treatments that are primarily guilt-driven. I’m for behavioral intervention and consistency while having more respect for him as a person rather than a patient. The bottom line is that the boy will never be good enough for her and she will always be trying to cure him. Just like she never felt good enough for her own parents. Now she wants to inflict him with the same curse. Thank God the autism actually shields him a bit from that psychological trauma! Because if he had a more typical development of “Theory of Mind” he’d be in for a tremendous inferiority complex about now. Not unlike what I sometimes feel.

I’m not even thinking about what the youngest is going to go through.

Fuck.

I guess I’ll be spending my Thanksgiving in the crucible. How about you?

A little something extra to improve the mood…

At Least the Suspense is over

football

Each year at this time, I keep wondering where things might go and I look back to where I’ve been. And by reading a lot of you, you know what I’m talking about because a lot of you are football fans. And perhaps Charlie Brown fans.

It was an enjoyable day today, overall. But I was kind of hoping for a bit…er…more. And it is mostly my fault for expecting stuff that I may have no business expecting. I mean, it’s always been this way, and I’ve always landed on my back without kicking that football. But each year I have this hope that THIS will be the year. Afterall, there have been some remarkable breakthroughs. This time last year I was in the middle of a 2 year drought. So we are already better off and two weeks isn’t all that big of a deal mostly.

I was at 196 last year and now I’m closer to 206, and going in the wrong direction! I need to get wit the program!

I got new socks (black!) shorts that were on clearance (it’s cold here in Georgia– 46 or something like that!) and some new exercise shorts. So I’ll have to make a new video or two. And Arwyn did take us out to eat to a place I’ve gotten to like the past few months for their zalads. We put the kids to bed and then it was bed time for one of us. Blog time for the other.

It’s actually bed time for me, now, but I figured I would sort of live blog here. Going to give this here couch a work out first, though.

How to Kill Sexual Desire Pretty Fast

The lag has been from other competing projects more than anything else. As the major themes in my life sort of stabilize or show signs of resolution, I have less angst and conflict to write about.

One thing that has changed is that I’m not keeping score like I used to, as far as when we have sex or how often we have sex. It’s probably about every 10 days or so, which isn’t that bad really. It certainly beats every 10 months or so or every 10 years or so! Progress is progress, and I’m grateful for it all.

A couple weeks ago, we did have a bit of a falling out around sexual issues which in hindsight turned out to be kind of funny. But at the time it was a bit maddening.

Arwyn and I are both pretty temperamental lovers. You knew she was, by all my past writing in that any little thing can get in the way and often does. Consequently it takes her a lot of work and effort to actually get into the moment.

On my side of it, if my mind and focus are off, I’m not going to perform very well. If I feel like she’s not all there or if something is off, my erection gets less rigid or departs entirely. The sheer anxiety surrounding sex sometimes compounds the performance issues, and so penetration becomes more challenging. It’s the difference between penetration by something firm and fairly pointy compared to penetration by something fairly dull and squishy. Add to that Arwyn’s own issues and her antihistimine intake. A good lubrication and some good foreplay would go along way in getting past these issues, but that’s just my opinion and not Arwyn’s.

I can not remember what brought it on, but her and I got into a heated discussion of our sexual issues. At one point I said what was probably the single dumbest thing any guy could possibly say. I made a reference to a particular face she made that looked like a grimace at the point of penetration and sometimes beyond. I was never sure what the face meant but it looked like intense pain or intense concentration. For the purposes of this discussion, I thought it was pain. She denied the pain but was a bit horrified that I was looking at and studying her face while we were having sex.

And this is one of my deals; I like to actually look at and see the person I’m having sex with. I suppose if I were with someone who was ugly I might want it totally dark but one aspect of sex I like it the total richness and presence of the experience. I want the total sensory package complete with visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory and taste sensations all at once. I like that intensity. Arwyn does not. In fact, she seems to want to minimize every sensory aspect of it as much as possible. I think a lot of women, especially, seem to have issues with the intensity of all those senses. The messiness of sex seems overwhelming to them, but that it probably more a low libido characteristic than a gender one.

So I asked for some adult attention early in the or the day before (not unlike FTN and Autumn’s arrangement) and she said okay. It had been 10 or more so I was feeling antsy anyway. The time comes and we get naked and begin with the kissing and hugging and then Arwyn proceeds to jump straight up and over to the bathroom to shut off the light.

The light was not shining on us, but was just enough to lend some soft dim light in the room. But Arwyn had remembered our earlier discussion and her solution was to make it totally dark so I wouldn’t be able to see her. The minute she flicked that switch, I remembered the discussion and that shut it down for awhile. We kept at it, but I never did get full penetration so Arwyn just got frustrated. I did sort of half get off when she was grinding into me as my orgasm sort of crept up on me and caught me by surprise and she stopped right then. But this was not a high point for us.

A few days later, after a counseling session, we did end up talking about it. I’m not sure we got it resolved, but she did approach me and ask for some adult time for early this next week. So at least she’s keen to give it a go where in the old days she would have avoided indefinitely. And this is a key for us: avoiding the avoiding. While I don’t have a lot of positive things to say about the counseling or our counselor, it has at least kept us somewhat accountable in how we behave with each other. That alone makes it worthwhile.

Therapy Smackdown

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Soon after my last entry it was therapy day. I was looking forward to completing the Top 20 list, but we never even got to it. We ended up in much deeper waters.

The therapist almost always starts off the the session the same way. He asks us to tell about something the other person did in order to strengthen the relationship. For instance, Arwyn kept the boys out of my hair while I worked on some projects that had a hard deadline coming up. That made me feel like she was empathetic of my plight and supportive. Stuff like that. Arwyn mentioned me being similarly supporting of her and her preschool work stress.

But Arwyn moved from there directly to the conflict we had the prior weekend where the sex didn’t happen. This was a bit surprising that she would want to go there, but she did. So we began hashing it out, her and I, while the therapist took a very long (figurative) step back and watched. He did jump in a time or two but for the most part watched and took notes. And he got a good view.

It’s been a number of days so I can’t remember every little thing we said. But I do remember getting a bit aggressive with her on this issue of sexual avoidance. I told her that I felt like she hadn’t heard a thing on my list from the week prior. At that point, the therapist prompted her to do some reflective listening, which involves her repeating back what I just said to her. I still think it’s a dumb exercise, as she was able to repeat back everything almost verbatum. Talk is amazingly cheap.

I do remember one specific exchange we had. She complained that no matter what she did, sexually speaking, that it would never be good enough. This is a VERY common statement made by those with lower libidos. In their view, they wonder why we’re so selfish in continually raising the stakes or constantly asking for more or why we can not simply accept our mates for who they are.

I remember when she dished this out at the therapy session, thinking that the therapist was entirely too willing to let this slide. Or he was unable to respond. Or he wanted to hear me respond. And when I did, I think his eyes bugged out as went into Schnarchian mode, reflective listening style.

“So you’re saying that I’m never satisfied with what you do?”

“Umm, yeah, most of the time it seems that way.”

“You feel like whatever you do, it isn’t enough or isn’t good enough?”

“Yes, that pretty much sums it up.”

“So what I’M hearing, is that you think I should be satisfied with whatever you decide to do.”

“No, I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s exactly what is sounds like to me. You’re telling me that I should be satisfied with whatever it is you decide to do.”

“But that isn’t what I said.”

“I know that’s not what you said, but that’s how it sounds to me. Whenever you complain that what you do isn’t good enough, you are telling me that my desire for more intimacy is not legitimate and that I should be satisfied with whatever you decide to offer. Would you be happy if I operated that way?”

“No.”

“And here’s the thing; you’re the one who claims to be the perfectionist. I see how committed and dedicated you are towards everything you do. Your work, the church, the boys, your friends, and even the laundry. You put everything you have into being prepared and doing the job exactly right. I see you prepare, anticipate and fully participate in every single area except for one: me and our sex life. Now tell me exactly how am I supposed to feel about that?”

The therapist was totally silent at this point, and Arwyn was in tears. Things were awkwardly silent for a bit, before we moved on. She did acknowledge that I had a point and she could see how I might feel neglected. But part of her problem is being paralyzed by guilt. Some of this is earned, I think, but it also gets carried away in that she thinks she’s all horrible which gets hrer stressed which isn’t exactly and arousing feeling. My goal was not to inflict guilt so much as to be heard.

This therapy session went overtime, but the therapist felt we needed it. I think he needed it as much as us as he’s still learning this business.

We ended the session with a new assignment: explain what it is like to initiate sex. Each of us. That should be interesting, especially since initiating isn’t something Arwyn does often or well. At one point she tried to defend her lack of initiation by saying, ” Well I saw you were doing something on the computer and I know how you get when I interrupt you!”

“And when was the last time you interrupted me because you wanted sex?” I came back.

“Oh, well…um…never I guess. Yeah, you have a point.”

“Well yeah! Maybe if you interrupted me more often for sex, I wouldn’t be so irritated when you interrupt me!” We were both able to laugh about that.

We covered a lot of ground that I’m not covering here, but you can tell that this was an intense session. Perhaps the whole strategy of the therapist was to get us to go at each other more directly or maybe he just wanted to see how we engaged in verbal sparring. Whatever the reason, it was mostly her and I going back and forth on each other. Thing is, is that Arwyn for all of her protestations that I don’t talk enough to her tends to lose her way and becomes quickly over matched in these exchanges. This is why I have been learning to bite the bullet and listen to her without speaking until she feels she has said what she needs to say. My past tendency has been to challenge her on every point, debate style. She appreciates this but has complained that I don’t talk enough and she feels like she does most of the talking. Despite her saying she wants me to talk more, I don’t believe a word of it. As long as I say what she wants to hear, she’s totally fine with it. But that is just not going to happen because even when I try to say what she wants to hear, it sometimes comes out in a way she can take offense to. She’s not as crazy as Aphron’s wife that way (and I thank God for that!) but I’ll just say that it is all part of her marvelous feminine mystique to read an extra thing into a message that simply isn’t there.

See? My female readers are already offended!

D.

I have no idea what Olympic event this would be…

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Standing broad jump?

I’m way past due for an update, and some things have been moving along in my story. Mostly good things, but also enough angsty stuff to hold your interest, especially those prone to giving advice.

First off, as soon as I threw the last post up and shut the computer down, I proceeded to a sort of make-out session with my wife. While doing so, we contemplated when it was that we might be able to get together to get it on. After sort of agreeing on a time, kept making out and it escalated into probably the best sex we’ve had in years. At one point, Arwyn made it known that she was satisfied and that it was okay for me to proceed to finishing my steak. That’s one of the difficulties with her, in that she’s not terribly vocal. I can tell when she’s getting into it, but there’s no apparent big finish. And that is okay, seeing as we’re not auditioning for any movie deals except it doesn’t happen enough for me to get a good fix on her reactions. Truly, I’d like to know my wife better in the Biblical and carnal sense. But it really was enjoyable. As for the date that we made…that just came and went. And this illustrates on of the difficulties of a person who seems to devalue sex and sexuality; even if they do have a marvelous time it doesn’t necessarily translate into wanting to do it again. As a behaviorist, I find this quite maddening because the increased likelihood of repeating a behavior is what defines reinforcement. So if there’s not an increased likelihood of a repeat performance, just how reinforcing could it have been in the first place? Arwyn and her sexually minimized peers will often claim how much they like it, but it’s pretty hard for someone like me, who really likes it and responds in behaviorally significant and predictable ways, to understand how they can say that and behave so indifferently. They are either lying or repressing their desires or something else.

These thoughts are occurring in hindsight, because for a good week I was a happy camper and didn’t think twice about Arwyn’s motives or the truthfulness of her statement in saying she was satisfied. Satisfied…now it comes to me that this is not a particularly strong endorsement. How much of a tip does a satisfied customer give a waitress versus one who is delighted and overjoyed? This would be a good conversation to have with a waitress at my neighborhood Hooters restaurant.

So I was fine with everything. And it was in that sort of mindset that we went to our first joint therapy in over a month. And that is when we went over our 20 things list. Actually we didn’t get all the way through it, and each of us only did ten. We’ll do the next ten the next time. This session went pretty well, I thought. At one point, Arwyn said that she thought our marriage was better than it had ever been, and I’m inclined to agree with her on that. Because let’s face it, those of you who have been reading these past many years know that our marriage has been pretty crappy most of the time. There have been epic episodes of crap and supercrap that we have subjected each other to. So much of that is being cleared away, and we are getting along a lot better. We’ve been on the brink of separation and divorce for years. So we are at a much better place. Yay! Wahoo!

Celebration’s over, it’s time to get back to work! As we went through the stuff on our lists, the therapists assisted us in classifying them according to which love language they belonged to.

• Quality time

• Receiving gifts/tasks

• Nonsexual Physical touch

• Sexual touch/erotic pleasure

• Words of affirmation

Guess which one mine were pretty much all in? But the therapist did bring out the fact that many of those erotic/sexual things also were interlaced with deeper things, like quality time, acts of service/tasks and even some positive affirmations. It wasn’t just getting off physically it involved deeper emotional things.

Arwyn struggled a bit more in classifying her list, and she seemed pretty evenly scattered among them all except the sexual/erotic bit has yet to make an appearance. No surprise there. The thing is, is that I am presently doing most of the things that were on her top 10 list. Part of the reason is that early in our marriage I wasn’t doing much of anything, which one could argue that I am paying for dearly today. I am doing tons more now than I ever did before and pouring myself more into our marriage and relationship. I know her “love language” is more diverse and I try to hit multiple spots multiple times. I do need to make more of an effort, tho, in being more consistent. It’s been a lot of work.

I was pretty nervous reading that list out loud, as it really is pretty racy and lopsided. I voiced some concern about that, and the therapist said just go along with it. He was able to expand on it and make it so it wasn’t so purely one-dimensional. The earlier 1:1 session he and I did plus some feedback from you guys helped me find that deeper dimension beyond just feeling good and getting off. It really is about intimacy, and I was able to better describe what intimacy looks like to me. I know it doesn’t look like that for most of you, and definitely not for Arwyn, but that doesn’t make it any less.

It was a bit of an intense therapy but Arwyn and I didn’t really have a chance to debrief and decompress from that and that may be part of the problem. We needed to follow up that session by talking about it but never did. I think that would catch up to us a few days later.

Last weekend, we were busy doing various things and I was hoping we would find time to connect in a way that I might like. We spent family time in several ways that Arwyn likes, and I was feeling a bit left behind as it had been a couple of weeks. So I came on to her late in the evening, and she was not into it at all. She was more keen on watching the Olympics. I like the Olympics, too. Afterall, I was the one who had turned them on in the first place. But I had my own version of the breast stroke in mind that did not involve going to an exotic country or competing for a medal. However, Arwyn was glued to the tube. Later, she blamed me for turning the TV on, for not coming to her earlier in the evening, for not being more explicit in my intentions. We had a bit of a spat about it and I was not happy that she seemed to be okay with staying up so late watching TV more than being with me. It’s as if that last therapy session just never happened or she completely forgot everything I said. I suggested us going over the rest of our lists together later, but she didn’t seem too keen on that.

Oh well. It does give me extra energy to hit the stepmat, which I need to do. I’m working on some video of that, actually so stay tuned for that!

D.

Vacation Blogs

This is just a bit of blogging I did on our vacation to get you all caught up. But first, look at the earlier video/podcast on my other blog. Also check out some Unsolicited Advice for FTN.

07/13/2008

Sunday

Day #13 of our vacation and we are on the last leg of it at my parents house. For the first time since we left the house, we actually have a room of our own. Together, with no kids in it. And a door. That shuts.

Okay, it does happen to be right next to my parents’ room, but they are staying up late with the TV blaring pretty loud. While Arwyn and I have been getting along decently most of the time, other times have been stressful. The lack of physical intimacy has been a pretty big and glaring concern of mine but I’ve tried to roll with it. Last year, at her Dad’s, we had this somewhat humorous slapfest. This year, I’d wake up and go to hug her and be affectionate. She would sometimes sort of acknowledge me, but would mostly move away. And that was that. I did not press the issue if she appeared anything less than receptive. And that has been the case most of the time. Sometimes she’d go for some hugging and kissing for a time.

When getting turned down or rejected, I’ve been trying to find alternative diversions. One such diversion is revealed in a podcast that will hopefully precede this blog post. Since my folks are still on dial-up, I may post that after this or just do them both at once, since I do have two blogs.

Tonight finds me in our room, alone whilst Arwyn is sleeping in the basement with the boys. This is an odd thing and I’m not sure what to make of it. There might be a more logical explanation other than her avoiding me, but I’m not sure what it is. I was hoping we could take some time to connect or touch base or something but it hasn’t turned out that way. So this is a good chance to blog and get in touch with myself and my feelings. Or just touch myself and feel myself up.

Anyway, it’s nice to have some blogging material after being off for so long although I’d rather have more brief posts like Satan used to have…

Yes.

Yes.

YES!

But it’s still no, no, no, no, no and no again.

There’s been some good times with our families and the kids and we’ve all held up very well under the circumstances of several thousand miles on the road. We have more good times to come as of writing this. But there’s always that one long shadow hanging about.

There’s nothing like a frustrating vacation to make a body start looking forward to getting back to work!

D.

07/17/2008

This is day 17 of our vacation and it is rapidly coming to a close. In fact we’ll be starting the drive back to Georgia in a few hours. We’ve had a pretty good time most of the time, and it’s been good seeing family we haven’t seen in a long time as well as Arwyn’s and my parents and siblings.

In the previous entry, I was all frustrated about Arwyn sleeping downstairs with the kids. It turns out she was trying to escape the blaring of the TV. She did return after the TV was shut off. I mentioned to my parents the next night that their TV was kind of loud and they had no problems turning it down. It was just one of those things.

Arwyn and I did have a brief discussion about us reconnecting physically when we get back home. She said she was looking forward to it. I’m unsure how much I really and truly believe that.

One of the cardinal traits that I would pin on a low libido person, if I were so inclined (and I am right now) is how they handle the tension between inhibitions versus desire. It seems that the inhibitions win every single time. And some of us are married to people with tons of inhibitions. So they may in fact not necessarily have low desire so much as they have such high inhibitions. The result is exactly the same whether low desire or high inhibition. And there might be a combination of the two working together. Maybe they just go together..

I thought back to a time I brought a girl from Alabama to my boyhood home. Bama Girl and I did have sex in the room next to my parents’ room. It was a quickie, but it was still pretty hot. She was pretty straightlaced but the the difference between her and Arwyn was that Bama Girl seemed to have more desire for me than she had inhibitions. And that is saying alot because she seemed like such a shy’ quiet and reserved person most of the time.

As for me, I do have a few morals and a sense of what is “proper” in a conventional sense. I wouldn’t have sex in front of the children or out in plain sight in front of my parents. I’d also not really want them hearing us have sex. So I sort of get some of Arwyn’s inhibitions. They are real and understandable.

But there comes a point where my desire cancels out inhibitions. I know my body isn’t built like a young athlete and I don’t have the looks of Mel Gibson or Mr. McDreamy. I get that. But my desire for sex, and more to the point; my wife, outweighs my inhibitions about how I look when I’m buck naked. This seems to be a huge deal with many (or most women) where their inhibitions hold with their more carnal desires in check.

I want to be desired in such a way that inhibitions will be discarded or at least minimized sometimes. I’d like my wife to say (or at least think) “Fuck it! Let’s get busy right now while the kids are watching Thomas the Tank Engine!” Or maybe we could form the beast with two backs in a room next to where my parents are because it has been a whole month since we last had sex and we don’t want to wait anymore.

I like someone with a healthy set of morals and values that hopefully help inspire me to be a better person. I suppose one reason why I have the whole prim and proper school marm fantasy is because there is something in me that appreciates strong inhibitions, but also yearns for those inhibitions to be overcome with desire for me!

It just now occurs to me that I associate strong moral values with inhibitions. Higher inhibitions = stronger moral values. Is that true? But the fantasy entails those strong inhibitions being overcome with desire and passion. Are strong moral values equal to high inhibitions? Are inhibitions always a contradiction to sexual passion? Can one have high morals and still have unbridled lust for their spouse? How did this dichotomy between sex and moral values come about? If it is incorrect, then why does the relationship between inhibitions and sexual desire seem to be so inversely proportional? And why does this inverse relationship seem to be so common?

One of my favorite bloggers who seems to defy some of this is Therese, who seems to have some pretty strong morale values and yet has a ….erm…healthy appetite for her husband. He, on the otherhand, seems to sometime be more apt to fall victim to the propriety v lustful desire trap, the whole affair notwithstanding..

Hey, I’m just musing here. All I know is, is that the whole relationship between high inhibitions and lack of desire on the part of my spouse is hacking my groove while making me feel like I’m wrong for feeling the desire I do feel for my wife.

D.

Also check out Therese’s treatment and extension of this topic.