Using Your Mind

Schnarch starts the next chapter asking the question, “Where is your mind during sex?”  If you ask your partner what they are thinking about during or just after sex, they might say, I’m thinking about you.”  And they might be lying.

 

A wondering mind is almost inevitable just because that’s the way our minds work.  We think about all sorts of things.  Some people are making grocery lists, sorting laundry, doing taxes, memorizing baseball stats or any number of mundane things.  They may be imagining someone else who could be there instead.  Perhaps a past lover who did things better than the one poking or licking or sucking you now.  You might be worried that the kids might hear or maybe expecting a phone call or wishing for a phone call.  You might be thinking about painting the ceiling mauve.

 

You might be thinking about your sensations and how good a certain thing your partner is doing and hoping they keep doing it.  Or how lousy it feels and hoping they stop.  You might be worried about whether they like what it is you are doing.  Are you doing it right?  Will you last long enough?  What are they thinking?  Are they as bored as you?  Do they notice that stretch mark?  Do you wonder whether you smell or taste bad?  Do they smell or taste bad? 

 

Thing is, none of the above involves a lot of emotional engagement with the partner.

 

There’s a whole lot of stuff to think about during sex.  Is it any wonder that we seem to be happy enough just getting off?  This is one reason why we settle for routine sex.  We go with what works and keep doing it over and over and over.  It’s also why it gets boring.  So we get mad and suddenly it might not work anymore.  We fight or avoid.  And we get into gridlock.

 

This is the process Schnarch describes as the people growing machinery of marriage.  We are constantly challenged to grow and change and two partners can challenge each other to grow.  But this can only happen in a long term relationship.  When we abandon the fight and get a new partner we essentially abandon growth and have to start all the way over reconstructing the crucible in which we need to grow.  He also made a more profound statement:

 

People grow most through going through those developmental processes they are trying the hardest to avoid. 

 

That’s pretty powerful stuff.  The avoidance and gridlock that Arwyn and I are currently locked into is a result of our fusion.  Paradoxically, the machinery really is working.  While we are avoiding we are each working on ourselves in different ways.  But there is a showdown that is coming.  Neither of us is particularly comfortably in the rut we’re in.  So she goes to church and Bible study and step groups for her own growth.  I go to another church and read books and blog and write growing in my own way.  Neither is “wrong” per se.  In fact, one could argue that there’s a lot of growth potential through some rich cross pollinating that could take place.  But that’s the problem.  There’s no pollinating going on.  We’re missing out on some growth potential.  We’re both avoiding the pain of it.  So far we’ve been evenly matched at least that way, for better or worse.

 

In this chapter, Scnarch talks about different sexual styles.  The sexual trance style is more sensate-focused, which requires a lot more concentration and being free of distractions.. That often includes the partner which is why this is mostly done in the dark with eyes closed. 

 

Partner connection is another style that has its own levels each characterized by different levels of differentiation.  It’s what we often want on the higher levels but what we often end up doing at the lower levels.  I’m not getting in to all 6 levels, but I can see where I’ve tried various forms of both of the above styles but on very low levels of differentiation.  

 

On the trance level, it’s all about my body, what I feel and how good it feels.  I want Arwyn to feel good, too, but sexual trance is akin to sort of like getting high or drunk together.  It seems to be more separate than together.  On a higher level, it can be more mutual and emotionally connected, but I’ll just come right out and say I’ve never gotten there. 

 

Now I have gotten about half way up the partner connection ladder.  But I’ve yet to really properly differentiate enough where Arwyn is more than a reflected source of validation and borrowed functioning.  In fact, I’m just now coming to think where I can conflict with her without getting too wrapped up with anxiety.  It’s a matter of growth for both of us and that can only happen when we conflict.  We are in conflict now, and it has led to us growing…apart.  But it has set a stage for the machinery to really smoke.  At least that’s how I see it optimistically speaking.  I’m sure she won’t see it that way.

 

The last sexual style is role play.  My forays into chastity play could be construed as an attempt at that, but according to Schnarch it requires a very high level of differentiation to pull off because a person has to have enough confidence to pull off the role without getting totally engulfed by it while becoming a real part of it. 

 

According to Schnarch, the highest differentiated people can assume any of the three styles.  This is because that people-growing machinery of marriage never stops.  Boredom sets in, which causes conflict and then couples have to work through it.  But the work can eventually become less painful after doing several turns and partners get in the groove of constant change and growth.

 

So now I’ve gotten my mind wrapped around the idea of conflict not being as bad as what I’ve always internalized.  It doesn’t mean the end of the relationship even though it looks a lot like it.  And the whole avoidance thing has drug on so long there’s going to be pain involved regardless.  This is just what I was looking for: a direction to grow in where it doesn’t have to be Armageddon.

 

I have no idea if I’m making sense or not.  But I wanted to get this down so I could move on.  The chapters of this book seem to get better as I go along, and I’m sort of striving to get to the “better” ones.  A bunch of you are contemplating getting it and I would recommend it.  But you may just want to watch and see where I end up going, too.  I’ve been around this sort of thing before and it may not end up going anywhere.

 

We’ll see.

 

D.

 

Kissing and Foreplay

I’m working on an entry applying some of the Schnarchian principles to chastity but since doing more reading I need some additional processing space.  So here you go.

 

The hugging chapter was revealing as was my little experiment which has not been repeated.  Schnarch says that it usually takes at least 2 minutes to find a truly relaxed and connected state and sometimes over 20 minutes and even then there’s no guarantee.  I found it interesting because in Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue program he prescribes hugging for 2 minutes every day.  And it was at that point that Arwyn decided to opt out of it for an unspecified amount of time.

 

Schnarch’s most famous suggestion for revving up sex is to have eyes-open sex.  And he does get to that, but I wanted to spend some time with kissing and foreplay as a sort of foreplay into actually talking about sex.  And like the hugging, there is a lot going on in the kissing and foreplay.

 

First off, Schnarch does chide us all for feeling perfectly comfortable demanding that our partner look at us while talking but see nothing wrong with not looking at the person we are kissing while kissing them.  Movies and television and other role models perpetuate this behavior for sure.  Everyone closes their eyes when they kiss!  Right?  In fact I remember an old song (maybe by Crystal Gayle?) that chided her lover for no longer closing his eyes when they kissed. But we really do sort of put ourselves in a position of having to practice some sort of emotional braille with this particular foreplay-like behavior.  In fact I’ve started sometimes opening my eyes when Arwyn and I are doing the perfunctory “off to work” kiss.  I’m not sure how I’d feel about have her eyes looking back but I’m willing to explore.

 

Kissing is one of those areas where we begin to negotiate the terms of our intimacy.  It probably means more in terms of our own perceptions than it does about our partner’s state of mind in how we perceive it.  We can’t really truly know, even if we ask.  But we usually don’t for the same reason we keep our eyes closed.  Namely, we can only tolerate only so much intimacy.  We may claim we want more but that claim rarely truly plays out in our own behavior.  We act in selfish ways and succumb to selfish interpretations in order to justify our own behaviors which usually truly get in the way of intimacy.

 

Foreplay is even more of a mine field.  Or mindfield.  According to Schnarch, foreplay always takes place.  It may be pretty freakin’ short, but it always happens.  It is where both partners negotiate where the boundaries are for whatever intimacies that are to follow.  He even goes so far as to describe it as a sort of pushing and shoving match between married couples as they attempt to gain whatever position.  Anyone reading me for a long enough time can attest to that as we’ve had a number of these sort of interactions.  According to Schnarch, it’s not about communicating because we are, in fact, communicating butt loads in these little slapfests.  It happens because we are so emotionally fused that there is total and absolute gridlock.  Arwyn feels like an abused victim and I feel like a rapist.  Poorly differentiated couples can not tolerate a lot of intimacy so it is not uncommon that foreplay be very short or almost skipped altogether.  What little there is is often scripted and mundane.  This is because the fused couples can not self-soothe and opt for the safety of a routine. 

 

For instance those of us who begin with a back rub every time.  What is your partner doing during the backrub?  Mine is lying face down and is almost always absolutely silent.  In fact, sex is a terribly silent exercise.  There is very little talking but I’m sure there is gobs of tension, anxiety and insecurity.  We’ve both gotten to the point where sex isn’t a lot of fun for either of us.  Much of it is because of all the tension around the fusion and me simply appealing to my reptilian self just to get off.  I’ve written before how I felt like a reptile and that insight was more accurate than I knew then.  Arwyn treats me like one because I act like one. 

 

The scripted aspect of sex is all about regulating the intimacy and finding comfort in the routine.  I know where the script is going to go pretty much every time and I don’t like most of it.  But I go along with it anyway.  I almost skipped this section to run ahead to chapter 12 where Schnarch talks about the mercy fuck.  But I’m glad I didn’t, since the section on kissing and foreplay really hit home.

 

Schnarch talks much about treating past issues in the present.  Psychotherapy has traditionally involved going through past issues and hurts and dealing with childhood issues.  Many times the claim is made that “We need to deal with the underlying problem before we can move forward” or “We need to deal with this past abuse or history first before moving on:”  The efficacy of this approach is pretty minimal because it simply isn’t realistic.  It’s not how life is lived.  It also involves leaving people stuck and then spending years and thousands of dollars delving into past issues that simply can not be changed. 

 

Schnarch uses the sexual crucible approach to deal with these past issues in the present.  So unlike a behaviorist who really isn’t dealing with past issues at all, he uses present behavior and the solutions to move forward within present circumstances.  How dependent this is on the skill of the therapist remains to be seen.

 

In my own case, the fear of abandonment is an underlying factor that has absolutely ruled all my relationships.  I can not stand for things to get too good because past experience tells me that it will turn to shit.  Opening up to another person involves a hell of a lot of risk and a hell of a lot of hurt.  I swore to myself that I was not going to be hurt like that ever again.  The result is this terrible gridlock we have now.  I am absolutely not any more differentiated than Arwyn who has divorced parents and an alcoholic father to contend with.  Arwyn means a lot to me but more intimacy means a lot more hurt.  But there’s obviously a part of me that really wants it.  I want to know and be known.  But only so much.

 

This even goes into my smoking which still rules me.  I started way back when as a way of self-medicating myself after a bad, bad emotional breakup.  I was devastated beyond words because I had opened up so much.  Truth was, this other girl couldn’t handle the intimacy of that relationship.  Neither could I, as it turned out.  So on the heels of heartbreak, smoking was my way of self-medicating.  It still is.  And this is one area where Schnarch is less focused and fuzzy.  He places a lot of importance on the skill of self-soothing but has not explained exactly what that looks like or how to do it.  In a way, smoking could be a way to self soothe but it is also a way engage that marital sadism that I wanted to skip ahead and read about because I know Arwyn dislikes it.  Why she married a smoker lends itself to a certain amount of masochism inherent in the system.  Don’t worry.  Arwyn and I both share equally sadistic qualities.  I’m just more willing to admit it at present.

 

I’d like to see Schnarch get together with John Gottman, who quantified anxiety and how couples reacted to each other in more concrete and tangible ways through pulse and respiratory rate and facial gestures.  Anxiety and tension do have quantifiable analogues and using single subject research designs, the effect of different self-soothing techniques could be compared. 

 

Okay, now I’m ready to talk about doing things with eyes open.  Schnarch actually spends a couple chapters on this, with eyes-open kissing and foreplay leading to eye-open sex.  I used to open my eyes open a lot more but I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Arwyn do it.  And sometimes I don’t like what I see.  Not only are her eyes closed but there is a sort of grimace in her face.  Pain?  Could be.  Concentration?  That could also be.  The eye-open bit flies directly in the face of a lot of modern sex therapy that is sensate focused.  The therapists tell a person to focus on their own sensations which means keep the eyes closed.

 

Schnarch sees things decidedly different and I have to agree with him.  One of my chief complaints is that Arwyn “isn’t there” during what few sexual encounters we have had.  Her handjobs pretty much are sterile exercises.  Her kisses perfunctory.  Her fucking is scripted.  Her boundaries are rigid.  But all that says a lot more about me than her in that I’ve been willing to accept these paltry offerings until relatively recently. 

I’ve written before about how I did better during the handjobs when Arwyn and I would talk.  We’d talk about dirty diapers, laundry, finances, chores that needed to be done and pretty much what every couple talks about when they talk.  She just happened to be rubbing my cock at the time.  But what made these encounters better for me rather than her doing it in stony silence was the fact that while talking, she was at least somewhat present.  We tried it with her facing me, and I did like that but I don’t think she did.  She preferred to lay down beside me where she didn’t have to look at me.  But I do enjoy having my eyes open more than not, at least to a point. 

 

The purpose is to actually connect, emotionally and mentally as well as physically.  But that sort of connection can only really be made if we’ve done a lot of our own internal work where we can comfortably invite someone else in.  It represents a more authentic form of intimacy.  I’m living proof that it is possible to have sex without really connecting and I’m not sure I have ever truly connected with Arwyn during sex.  I’m not exactly an open book as noted above so I picked someone in a very similar stage of differentiation as myself.  And we really are well matched in many ways.

 

It is impossible to not communicate during sex.  Fact is, I’ve been getting the message louder than I would have liked.  So now I have little choice but to grow in response to dealing with it.  It may take the proverbial atomic bomb blast to get Arwyn in motion and that might be where we’re headed.  But I’m still getting a handle on my own insecurities in the meantime. 

 

Cat asked an interesting question in a comment below.  What if Arwyn is just honest and says she loves me but isn’t in love with me?  What that is, is a code that basically says that she wants to be nice and somewhat caring but does not want to be with me and does not want to want me.   Wanting to want and working towards making an intimate connection is an act of will at this stage of the game.  For my part, I need to be willing to deal with that possible reality.  At that point I have some serious choices to make.  Adult choices that involve my own integrity.  If I’m reading him correctly, I think that is where 2amsomewhere has come out.  He looked at the situation and saw where he was not going to grow a lot more with the woman he was with because she was unwilling to differentiate and grow.

 

I’m not in that spot right now and funnily enough, I don’t think Arwyn is either.  When we do speak of these things there is a fair amount of emotionality involved and my gut tells me she is more keen to working things out than she lets on.  But she has no idea how.  She longs for deeper emotional connections but not with Lizardman me.  I have some personal and self-centered issues of my own to work out in order to escape my inner reptile.

 

It’s a paradox that getting emotionally closer to someone else involves becoming more of myself.  This is because being emotionally fused and relying on this other person to hold me up through borrowed functioning and a reflected sense of self is inherently a very selfish thing.  It places the responsibility of my anxieties and fears in someone else’s lap when I need to be holding my own self up so that I have a greater capacity to care.  Emotional fusion places rules and expectations on the other person that are heavy and burdensome and pretty much suck the life out of desire, passion and sexual intimacy.  My pushiness with Arrwyn and trying to guilt and manipulate her into sex was sort of akin to rape.  But I was raping myself emotionally as I set myself up perfectly to be rejected and then hurt by her rejections.  That also sort of answers the chastity cage comment by Snow66, at least in part.  It was a game we were very poorly prepared for.  While it might have fostered some strong feelings by me it was still not on a human level of depth as far as intimacy and closeness.  In fact, it likely increased Arwyn’s anxiety level which would send her desire even further in the crapper.

 

However, I do think there was valuable and necessary growth that took place there.  Arwyn could see my attitude improvements while wearing the cage and she was somewhat open to that.  But the emotional weight of holding the key combined with the guilt factor of me kinking up probably didn’t advance things the way I had hoped.  That’s not to say there wouldn’t be any benefit later.  I think Tom over at Vanilla Edge demonstrates that good things can happen if the relationship is in a better place.  At least they’re funner to read.  I’ll think about expanding that later as I get further into the book.

 

It still feels like it’s taking me a long time to get through it.  I know, it’s all a process and it’s all good but it is not a fast read. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll read and reread various points.  I wouldn’t mind spending $30 on a DVD movie version of this thing.  Maybe even $50 if they had live demonstrations performed by actual couples!

 

D.

A Brief Kink Update

A couple of notes upfront: I’m seriously considering responding to Trueself’s tag, mostly because there are some other folks around here in need of a good meme’ing. Or even a meme’ing that is less than good.

Also thanks to those responding to the last post despite the rather depressing content. I can take some small comfort in the knowledge that there are others who have suffered worse for a lot longer.

But I do feel the need to at least give some slight treatment to my kinkier subplot, mainly chastity play. Suffice it to say, I have not been doing any cage play and have not felt like denying myself. I still richly enjoy reading Altarboy’s site and the contributions by those who are practicing, but motivation for me is about nil. I could probably enjoy some subspace but in the sort of relationship that I am presently in, the rebound on the backside is hardly worth it.

But the other morning it did sort of come up.

I usually buy all the groceries because I do most of the cooking. Plus during our leanest financial days I kept my hand tightly on the pocketbook like a seaman on a tiller during a storm. But now that storm has mostly past and I’m perfectly okay with Arwyn taking a check and going and buying whatever food she wants. She was a bit surprised at this, but I told her that as long as she was open and honest and not hiding stuff in the trunk of her car, things would be okay.

Arwyn then insisted that I must be snooping in her car. No, I just know how she operates. But she continued to protest that she knew I had been in her trunk. If I had remembered, I might have pressed her harder for how she knew, but I was not going to argue. I don’t go snooping in her car, ever. I figure I’ll find whatever she hides soon enough.

But later on, it finally dawned on me the source of her conviction. A couple of weeks ago, she came in the holding a small black box she found in her trunk. It was magnetically stuck to the first aid kit in her trunk. Can you guess what it was? She asked if I knew and I told her I had put it in there a long time ago. Maybe over a year ago. I told her to open it, and she slid the cover back and there were a pair of very small keys.

It was the discovery of that box that led her to believe that I was forever snooping. The fact is, I had all but forgotten about them. I have one key in the Shurlok, and that’s all I needed. But keeping a spare set in her trunk meant she could still get me out in an emergency and made her an unwitting keyholder. I’m not sure what she did with that box now that I think about it. It had fallen from the trunk lid to the first aid kit otherwise she may never have seen it.

She also found, while doing a bunch of cleaning, a key to the very first lock I had; the one that came with the original Curve that was on a necklace. She gave it to my youngest son to wear around his neck, which I thought was just not right. Never mind the key was now worthless, but it did still hold some symbolism. So I traded him a sticker or something for it and stowed it away.

Chastity play just is not attractive to me right now. I like to have some support during the process in the form of holding, cuddling and hugs. It helps me get into subspace instead of just getting pissed but she hasn’t the time or inclination, and neither do I.

D.

 

 

 

Photo Shot

This morning I was awakened by the early morning wood trying to bust out of the cage at around 5 a.m. Normally, I would try to to sleep through it or use the bathroom and try to go back to sleep.

However this was not such a morning. No, I got up and used the bathroom but I did not go to bed. I went to the computer, instead. And sure enough, there was the combination to the key. Always Aroused Girl is nothing if not dependable. I only regret that she couldn’t be here to personally deliver it and unlock me. I unlocked the lock, and re-deposited the key into the Shurlock. In a few days or weeks I’l forget the combination, anyway.

While Arwyn was taking her shower, I grabbed the camera and hopped back into bed and watched the morning news. And to stretch out. I removed the cage, leaving the ring on with the locking post. After Arwyn emerged from the bathroom, fully dress, she darted out without so much as a look. All to the good.

First, I did some cleaning of the cb3K and its assorted parts. Then it was time for me and my cock to get re-aquainted. And just to up the ante a bit, I decided to see if the aneros could assist.

Let’s talk a bit about male masturbatory habits for just a second. It would be fair to say that most guys can do it just about any time, any where if there’s enough stimulation and urgency. However, we do have certain times, places and methods we prefer. And there are methods we do not prefer. For me, I’ve never been into stroking off in the shower or in the standing position.

I’ve had an orgasm in the standing position exactly once, about 5 years ago while Arwyn stroked me off while we were together in the shower. It’s hard for me to think of an encounter with her hotter than that one. Afterwards I commented that I had never come standing up before and her reply was, “I imagine you could probably get off just about any where or in any position.” I never was sure how to take that remark.

So in order to meet the agreed upon conditions, I had to be laying down. Plus I had to take a picture. It is then that I experienced another first, aside from taking this sort of picture. This was to be a photo shoot in the most literal sense.

My most favorite hand might be Arwyn’s. But when I’m solo-ing, I am a definite righty. And I quickly discovered that cameras favor the right with a view finder on the left and the button on the right. Taking this shot one handed was going to be a challenge, to say the least. So I decided to stretch myself even more and go left handed. It was almost like having a new partner!LOL!

So with aneros and my hand working away and some extra lube and with over 2 weeks of confinement, you would think it would be as easy as gravity, right? Right? It took some extra time and concentration and while holding the camera and worrying about the big shot. The money shot. This was a lot of pressure! In more ways then one.

But I persevered and finally the moment of truth came. I came. And my sore cock and balls felt some relief and relaxation for the first time in a long time. But Mount Vesuvius, it wasn’t. I was totally nonplussed. I waited over 2 weeks for THIS?

I got what would be hardly described as a money shot. More like a loose change shot. The-quarter-under-the-couch-cushion shot. I definitely need more practice. I definitely need to find my mojo, as this is unacceptable.

D.

No, I am NOT posting the photos.  So consider yourself spared …for now.

Okay, I think I’m ready

That last entry was written earlier in the week and I kept fiddling with it and finally just slapped it up there to have something new.

The malaise was and is real enough. Arwyn is on some sort of emotional hiatus this past week, so there’s no help to be gotten there. I needed a bit of inspiration so I decided to grab some of Altarboy’s latest stories. Most of these things do not really hit my buttons. The guy who inherited his aunt’s alien domme…there were possibilities but it never did much for me. The one written by the girl who crosses dresses her brother…again there were possibilities but, meh. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose, not that I’ve been doing any of that lately.

However, the one about the wedding surprise did manage to hit my buttons, making the cage seem too confining. I was keen to get some fun on.

Arwyn had taken the boys out for the day, and I was dealing with a slight headache. My normal cure for a headache when I have the house to myself is locked away and unavailable so I had to resort to some aspirin and an alternative activity. But I didn’t get anywhere, meaning there were no super O’s or even regular O’s or even small O’s. Just frustration. I’m suffering from pleasure deprivation.

Yes! I am finally admitting to suffering! My balls are now carrying many times their accustomed load. My member has forgotten what playtime feels like. I miss having fun and using my body as an amusement park. I just miss the freedom of knowing the same pleasure as every other married guy out there who is married to a sexually unresponsive woman. Namely having sex with someone who loves him for himself.

I want out. Not in a sexually ramped up, horny kind of wanting out. Not in a feeling-backed-up needing-release sort of way. But in the same way a person feels when they have spent a week or two in another country and culture and is ready to go home. I miss my cock. My cock misses me. We have suffered through many dark times together and are likely to suffer many more troubles and indignations. We’ve been lonely but at least we’ve been lonely together.

So, AAG, what say you? Can I go home now?

D.

 

 

#13, 14, 15

 

Some of you may be scratching your heads wondering why I’m not trying to scratch and claw my way out of the cage.  It’s been about 2 weeks, which just a few months ago represented my outer limits as far as endurance.  To be honest, I’m not understanding it so much myself.  On one level, I actually like it.  I like feeling the grip of the cage when I’m in a semi-aroused state, which has kind of decreased in frequency.

 

 On another, I really miss playing with my favorite toy.  It was such a source of comfort and fun.  But it was an empty joy that was not shared. 

 

So I’m sort of seeing how far I can push the envelope.  I’m entering into some new territory this next week, so that should be interesting. 

 

Maybe I’m just in a sort of plateau here before ramping up, again.  It could also be that Arwyn isn’t really maintaining any sort of attention.  And it does take a certain amount of maintenance to keep things going, emotionally.  The simple fact of being caged provides a large mental and emotional charge.  But maintaining over an extended period of time takes some extra effort and energy.  For someone who is locking themselves up, it’s just a matter of self-discipline.  For others who have keyholders, there is a modest investment of time and effort required. 

 

Given that aspect, this latest lock-up period has been highly instructive.  There really is no substitute for time invested in someone else.  Again, I’m recovering ground previously lost, in that I’m more aware that my wife and I devote insufficient time towards each other.  I knew this over a year ago, when I was fighting mightily just for 2 minute periods of some semblance of intimacy.  I have to really dig in just to approach that meager line.  This opens a host of other issues beyond the cage and desire which I’ll not get into at the present time.  But suffice it to say that it does highlight a need for at least the minimal amount of investment by both people.  One person can not carry the load indefinitely no matter how energized and motivated they are.

 

D.

 

 

Always Aroused Girl

Just the name becomes the stuff of fantasies. Who wouldn’t feel delighted to have their girl be always aroused? Who wouldn’t be turned on just by the thought of having a girl around who was always aroused? Well, apparently there’s at least one guy out there.

Now to be perfectly honest, I can see where it might be slightly bothersome sometimes. Like a cat who always decides to trip you up at the worst time by rubbing on your leg, or the dog who always wants to hump your leg and everyone else’s who walks in the door. Okay, yes. That could get old in certain circumstances. But come on! I like to think of it as a constant opportunity, sort of like having a stove that has its pilot light always lit and simply needs just the right turn of the knobs and >poof!< the flame is on!

If someone didn’t like having their girl always aroused, why would they take her home in the first place? Why take home an always aroused girl when you have no use for her arousal? What an incredible waste! It’s like a person taking home a fine thoroughbred horse who has no intention of ever riding her. What sense does that make?

I’m embarrassed to say I can’t remember exactly when I came into the presence of AAG. It might have been a comment she left, as I had a post or two that was getting a lot of airplay in the sex blog world when she made her debut. And we did sort of run in similar circles, blogwise. And hers was almost a mirror image of many of the same issues marriage-wise. We were natural kindred spirits. We both were sex bloggers who were writing all about sex but not actually having very much sex. We wrote about the sex we would like to have, and wondered if we ever would.

Always Aroused Girl became a major player in the sex blog universe by virtue of the rich textures she used in her writing, conjuring up sadness, and anger as well as lustful desire and even laughter from her readership. She almost always provokes her readership to chime in and participate. She makes each person feel like part of her own inner circle. As a writer, her touch is inviting, welcoming and accessible. Some bloggers come off as being larger than life and are inaccessible. That’s never been the case with AAG, who is nothing if not fairly humble in her writing. She’s very real. Definitely the girl next door…don’t we all wish?

Over the last couple of years, I have followed along on her adventures. I’ve even been inspired to imitate some of them such as taking advantage of myself on the couch or sticking toys up my butt. But of course, no one can do these things with the flair that Always Aroused Girl brings to the experience.

I considered a few of my fellow bloggers for the job of key holder, but there really was no doubt as to who was going to get asked first. After all, what better compliment is there to an Always Arroused Girl than an Always Aroused Boy? And truly the best and only way to make sure that your boy is always aroused is to lock him up and hold the key!

She has opined as of late that I have not been begging sufficiently. She is, naturally, correct. However, I think what she might really mean is that have not sufficiently projected my horniness. I really need to work on that, because what good is an Always Aroused Boy if you have no idea that he’s aroused?

I have my virtual eye fixed on AAG, make no mistake. When I dial up, I am checking my email and I am visiting her blog several times to bask in her aura. Oh yes. I am drawn there.

Having said that, I’m also mindful that I am married and my real eyes are fixed on my wife. There might be improvements afoot but these are slow coming and will take some time.

I’ll give up more on that a bit later. But in the mean time I’m just thinking how fun it is being the Always Aroused Boy for our favorite Always Aroused Girl.

D.

Curve v CB3K: A Brief Comparison

Last night, I went to bed fairly early and was asleep by 10:30. And lo and behold I slept all the way through the night until 6 a.m.! Perhaps my body is finally adjusting. This in no way diminishes my sensitivity, though, which you can take on many levels.

AAG wanted to see what the cage looked like when it was filled, so I tried playing around and taking a few pictures. Thing is, the CB3000 does not look at all impressive when it is filled simply because the whole thing can’t be more than 4 inches long. An expanded member will fill it up but then half if it ends up inside the body, which puts pressure on the bladder which is why a caged guy has to pee more than usual. Plus a CB3000 is a more enclose tube which makes stimulation more difficult plus makes it harder to see. It is a much more comfortable device but not so photogenic.

The Curve is just the opposite. It is a much longer, more open tube that has a very severe downward curve (hence its name). I honestly can not remember seeing any pictures of one that was filled and I never took any when I was wearing it. I do own the Curve but haven’t worn it much since getting the CB3K. For one thing, it is so long that is really CAN be seen easily by someone zooming in on your crotch. In loose pants, a body just looks like they have a big package but when sitting, the bars of the cage show and that’s a little too creepy for the average Joe or Jane Vanilla. Since it hung and bulged more, it wasn’t as comfortable. It is a more cruel device in many ways. Since it has a more open design, it can probably hold up for longer wear without as many hygienic concerns. Also, the more open design means more flesh is exposed which means more stimulation is possible. And the more stimulation there is, the more sensitive skin is poking out the bars causing more stimulation…

But the length combined with a severe downward bend made full erections challenging and sometimes more painful. The only time I could really easily fill the Curve was in the shower and totally frustrating myself with a liberal amount of soap. It felt so good but I was never able to get off. The CB3K sort of points down but it is a less severe angle and shape which might make orgasm more possible.

The Curve was a second model put out by the Millers, the makers of the CB3K and CB2000 (which was the first). It also introduced the hinged handcuff-style A-ring. This allowed for a tighter fit with a lot less trouble getting it on over he solid cockring that came with the CB2K. However, there were a lot of problems with this, especially the hinge creating a pinching pressure point just at the most sensitive part of the scrotum. There have since been some improvements made to the handcuff style A-ring but I never did upgrade. I simply wrap the hinge with waterproof first aid tape to keep my nut sack from making contact with the hinge.

The Curve appears to be thicker and stouter material than the CB3K, but I have managed to split both devices down the seam more than once. I finally found that Delcon Liquid Weld Epoxy is strong enough to keep both halves secured much better and longer than whatever the Millers were using. However, my repairs have given both cages a dirtier appearance than they had originally. The brownish resin makes the CB3K look like I’ve been wearing for years instead of days or weeks! And that’s one reason I haven’t been big into taking pictures of it.

I wouldn’t mind trying to take pictures of a filled Curve but I first need to get out of the CB3K I’m wearing now. Maybe y’all can put in a good word for me with the ever-luscious mouth wateringly delicious AAG!

One more thing worth talking about:

Arwyn has not mentioned one word about me being caged. However, she has been more and more vocal about her approval of me and my recent behavioral changes like getting up earlier, spending more time with her and the boys and such. I’m thinking she has got to know by now. She really has been more demonstratively affectionate in recent days. Those kisses have lingered just a bit longer as have the hugs and she’s been initiating almost all of it. I always respond in kind, I’m just wary of trying to put too much pressure on her. But it does feel really nice even as it ramps up the frustration factor.

D.

Night #6

Last night was rough in a serrated jaggity kind of way.

I went to bed around midnight which has just been my usual bed time for a long time. I knew I might be in for a rough time so I decided to see if the Aneros might help.

It didn’t. In fact it might have made things even more adventurous. The idea was that having that in would provide a competing distraction that might fend off erections and the pulling tightness that brings. But that wasn’t the way it worked at all! In fact, I was probably harder a lot longer as that thing was working my prostate while the cage was gripping my cock. It seemed like my erections were longer, stronger and more frequent. Night 6 was definitely the toughest, so far.

I know there are folks scratching their heads over this whole chastity cage thing. What’s the big deal? Why endure it?

First off, a body has to appreciate sexual arousal and anticipation to appreciate chastity play. If you’re all about the orgasm and not into foreplay or the build-up, you will not be able to wrap your mind around this concept at all. If it’s Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am, then be on your way. That’s not to say you can’t be impulsive or enjoy a good orgasm. But this is about savoring the sensual electricity that courses through a body during that building phase of tension before getting to the orgasm. Now imagine that build up lasting several days. Maybe even weeks.

It’s about the reforming of the mind and getting into the richness that is subspace. As long as it continues to build it truly is a rich, sensual buffet for the erotic pleasure centers of the brain. As long as I’m willing to give into it, I am fed and energized by it. That’s why I’m doing it at this particular time because I’ve got some extra pressure at work. And true to form, wearing the cage dissipates the stress by generating a much more pleasurable tension.

Emily brought up a valid concern about pursuing Arwyn and it just being about sex. That would just create more resentment. But at present it is all about enjoying her touch, no matter how small and just enjoying her presence. Like this morning we were watching the weather while lying on the bed and we just held hands. Such a simple thing but it really did push me ever deeper into subspace. Just thinking about it now lights up whatever electric blue neural pathway with the current jolting away at a swollen member wanting to be free of its prison.

It appears that I’m right in the sweet spot where the tension is really, really high and senses are at their peak.

I have a feeling I’m going to be in for it even moreso tonight. Better get this in and see if I can get to bed earlier.

 

This is probably what I have to look forward to after AAG finally lets me out! (perhaps NSFW)

D.

A Bit of an Unexpected Twist

 

 

AAG may have an unwitting ally.

 

Or maybe she knows what she’s doing but not knowing she has an ally. 

 

Last night, as I predicted, was rougher than the one before.  I woke up a couple of times and had to get up one of those times to relieve the early morning wood.  But otherwise, I was able to let things subside so I could get back to sleep.  Unfortunately, I overslept.  However, there was an odd turn of events that basically put me on the fast track to the on-ramp.

 

I woke up at 5:30 but somehow managed to wait and was able to get back to sleep.  I woke up over an hour later; I’m going to be late!  Actually I had a shot at making it, but there was a bit of a problem.  Arwyn was in the shower.  Now to anyone else at any other time, this would be more of an opportunity than a problem.  Arwyn is usually in the shower by 6:00 a.m. but not this morning.  I usually let her be because she has complained about that being her only time to have for herself and she really hates being ogled over.  But not this morning.  I came in and brushed my teeth and shaved, thinking about what I was going to do next.  I was pressed for time.  However, true to form, Arwyn put herself into some royally high gear to get out of there and get safely wrapped up in her towel in order to get out and leave the bathroom to myself.  I met her, embraced her and we had some extensive hugging/kissing time.

 

Whoosh!

 

I found myself in subspace or something very close to it as the cage tightened and squeezed.  I gazed into her eyes one more time before one last kiss and me dashing into the bathroom and her dashing out.  I had to steady myself a bit as this was totally unexpected and threw me as much off balance physically as it did emotionally.

 

I’ve noticed the past few days that Arwyn has sort of softened up around me.  Does she know I’m wearing?  I don’t know.  I have not spoken to her of it as she has made it known that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it.  My perception could be off as it is under the influence of ever-increasing subspace.  My feelings could simply be changing more than her actions.  It’s hard just accepting without being wary.  I can’t assume she’s acting a certain way just because I wish it were so or that I would act a certain way if I were her.  We are so fundamentally different when it comes to sexual response.

 

One more thing is worth discussing, here.  I was actually relieved when she vacated the bathroom.  Normally I might have been offended but not this time.  Wearing the cage turns me into an even more shy of a recluse as far as being naked around her.  So I’m not going to be prancing around naked and flashing the cage off to her.  This doesn’t mean that Arwyn isn’t curious, but she is not exactly turned on, either.  While I would rather be looked at like a T-bone steak, I’m more often looked at like the bearded lady.

 

However, while I am secured, she seems to be more secure with showing physical affection.  At least she seems to respond to my overtures, and I’ve felt like making more of them lately.

 

If Arwyn decided that she wanted sex tonight, she knows she can ask any time.  I have been locked up before when she initiated, when the Timelock was running, and have resorted to using the bolt cutters.  AAG is aware of that particular stipulation, namely that Arwyn still rules in that respect.   So given that particular rule and AAG’s talking about the symmetry around the season of Lent, I actually have a bit more of an incentive to be a bit more aggressive in pursuing Arwyn than I have over the past year.

 

D.