The Two Choice Dilemma, Marital Sadism and the Mercy Fuck

Some of you will love this and some of you won’t.  This is the part where we finally weigh in on the cost of being an avoider.

 

Basically in life we tend to not like making the hard choices.  We like making choices where it is win-win.  The lose-lose propositions require a certain amount of pain.  So we avoid making those choices, hoping that a more favorable option eventually comes around.  Sometimes it does.  But in the area of sexual disparity, it mostly won’t, at least without making a choice.

 

To quote Schnarch:

 

“Pop psychology tells us what we want to hear: you should expect your partner to accept, understand and validate your position even if he doesn’t agree– he should even say you make sense!  That strategy works as long as there’s enough room for everyone to have his or her own feelings and act upon them.  But many marital therapy approaches don’t work in the bedroom because they try to avoid two-choice dilemmas.  We can agree to disagree as long as we are focused on feelings and perceptions.  When the issue is behavior, however, flexibility is reduced significantly.  You can’t agree to disagree about sex.  When your spouse says he or she is never doing a sexual behavior– or never having sex again– you don’t feel like saying, “Thanks for sharing!”

 

When we say we have no choice, what we’re really saying is that there is no choice we want.  There is always a choice, but it is often a choice that we don’t want.  What we really want to do is make a choice that suits us at the expense of the other person.  Some people think monogamy is a great thing…for the other person.  The choice to not have sex is based on the assumption that the other person will not exercise their choice to have sex.

 

In the ’60’s and ’70’s it was popular to say that it was unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs.  The have-it-all saying was based on avoiding the 2 choice dilemma.  In fact, that’s at the crux of the “Have-it-all” mentality.  It pretty much avoids the whole reality of making hard choices and the economic reality of the principle of scarcity.

 

So we have this couple who we can call Digger and Arwyn.  Schnarch names them Audrey and Peter.  Arwyn seems to care less about sex while Digger is frustrated at the lack of sex. 

 

Arwyn’s gambit is based on the idea that she can not have sex because there is too much pressure.  She says that if there wasn’t so much pressure, she might be more open to sex.  Plus, with Digger initiating she never has a chance to initiate.  So Digger agrees not to initiate and thus not to pressure Arwyn.  So a week goes by and Arwyn does not initiate because then she would simply be responding to the pressure of the agreement.  Another week goes by and she does not initiate.  As time passes, Digger’s frustration grows and Arwyn knows it but does not initiate because she is feeling pressured by her own thoughts of having to do what she does not want to do.  She doesn’t want to want Digger while she does want him to want her.  New “if only’s” surface as she continues to try to hold out just enough hope to keep the marriage intact.  She may even try to improve in other areas in order to compensate for this one marital lack.

 

So where does that leave Digger?  Anything he possibly does will increase pressure.  Damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t.  So now he faces a 2 choice dilemma.  No sex or force growth through making a choice whether or not to have sex.

 

2amsomewhere referred to this a bit earlier in a comment about those bloggers who choose to have affairs.  They essentially take the choice away from their partner while trying to have their cake and eat it too.  Two choice dilemmas are a pathway to growth and an affair essentially robs themselves of that opportunity as well as that of their partner.

 

So I get that I’ve helped enable this sad state of affairs in perpetuating a sexless marriage.  Arwyn holds all the cards, sexually speaking.  What little sex we’ve had over the past few years has been not so good so I’m not really wanting it too badly from her at the moment.  I’d like to be in a monogamous sexually-fulfilling marriage but it remains to be seen whether I’m willing to pay the freight in order to get there. 

 

The scenario described in chapter 11 perfectly matches where I’m at with Arwyn more or less.  It’s irritating that I had to read through so many other chapters to get here, but here I am. 

 

What really drove me mad getting to this chapter was the section on marital sadism.  I know I have a very thick red line of sadism running through me.  A very bad nastiness that has nothing to do with the good nastiness of sex.  It’s in all of us and it occurs in pretty much every marriage.  Deep down, in our heart of hearts we hate our spouse.  That bit was hard to grapple with as I read it, but the realization of it lead me right into that old saying: the opposite of love isn’t hate, it is apathy.  Hate seems like maybe we’re putting it more strongly than it really is, but our squeamishness about that is a result of some false beliefs.  Namely we think that love and hate can not coexist.  Where hate is, love can not be and where love is, hate must be absent.  This belief leads us into denial which pretty much guarantees that we’re going to behave worse towards our chosen spouse.  The fact is, hate exists in the world of love and love exists in the world of hate.  We have to confront that evil nasty side before we can move on.  The whole idea behind the reflected sense of self is so that other people won’t make a fuss about the nastiness we have inside of us.  We want to be loved by others so that we can love ourselves.  By focusing on how great we are (through listening to what our itching ears want to hear) we can deny our evil nasty side.

 

Differentiation comes from confronting our evil side and truly repenting.  That’s my take, not Schnarch’s but this is a dot that he left to be connected.  We get all self-righteous and inflict cruelty on others to justify ourselves.  We elevate ourselves by depressing others which isn’t exactly a recipe for self-respect.  On the other side, we constantly compromise our integrity by accepting the bullshit of others.  The perpetrator/victim mentality has gotten me no where. 

 

In this section we encounter the mercy fuck and the mind fuck.  I’m willing to wager that most of you know exactly what I mean, at least if you’re married.  This is not to be confused with the pity fuck that Chelsea Summers wrote about recently. 

 

The mercy fuck is the penultimate of marital sadism.  Basically the mercy fucker says, “Okay, I don’t want to have sex with you but I’m going to allow you to mount me and I’ll do the minimum to get you off.  You’d bloody well better appreciate it, too!”

 

This is followed by the mind fuck, where the mercy fucker doesn’t respect the fuckee because he is so willing to accept such poor sex.  “See?  This only proves that all you want is to use my body!” when that is all that is ever offered.

 

The person who is offered the mercy fuck is basically given a choice between sex even a hooker would be ashamed of giving or no sex at all.  The only real way of dealing with the mercy fucker is to stop doing it.

 

Then we have the woman who fakes orgasms and then resents her husband for feeling so good about the job he’s doing.  That’s a mind fuck.  “Yes dear” is a mind fuck because we all know that it means “Yes, but don’t complain if it’s not done with enthusiasm.”

 

Basically, marital sadism allows partners to screw each other two ways at once.  Lousy oral sex technique while feigning ignorance and other passive-aggressive war mongering techniques are all part of “normal” marital sadism.

 

We hate our partners, but that is a reflection of how much we loathe ourselves.  We need to deal with our self loathing in order to get along with each other.  We need to confront our hate and deal with it.  Notice I’m not saying make it go away, I’m saying deal.  Stop blaming and start standing.

 

What that means for Arwyn and I remains to be seen.  But I’m digesting this and thinking about it.  I’m sure you all might have something to add to this discussion in the way of experiences.  You can read pretty big chunks of that chapter here, if you want.

 

D.

Have a Happy and More Differentiated New Year!: Hugging

I laid down my notes for chapter 5 of Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage over at Unsolicited Advice WP.  Now I’m going to see if I can illustrate how those concepts have worked and played out with Arwyn and me in our marriage.

 

When we first met, Arwyn was the one who went after me.  She pursued me, called me and asked me out.  She’s the one who suggested getting naked the first time we ever had sex.  She seemed to like and want it everyday, twice a day!  I almost got concerned about whether or not she was some sort of nymphomaniac and whether I could keep up or not!  In fact, I almost (almost) got to point where I saw sex as a chore!  I mean it was night time and it was time for sex.  We woke up and it was time for more sex.  But the sex wasn’t terribly adventurous and the passion…meh.  But she was perfect in so many ways and had such an apparently easy temperament.  She seemed so perfect.  Almost too perfect.

 

Sex is a crucible for growth and seems to cultivate emotional fusion.  It can deepen emotional ties and create increased significance between two people.  It’s the wonderful and awful thing about it.  It feels pretty good, too!

 

So why was my now overly frigid wife so willing to fuck the hell out of me back in those early days?

 

It’s because she was far from the laid back person she presented.  She suffered from some really deep insecurities that created tension.  That tension and anxiety drove her into seeking acceptance in the one way pretty much guaranteed to get my attention.  Sex.  This is why Schnarch says that some tension can increase sexual desire and behavior.  This is why we see this tape played and replayed so many times over and over.  That early sexual feast is largely driven by insecurity and a need to be needed and accepted.

 

But that sort of acceptance is only so deep.  At some point, someone is going to feel used and in this case it was the person who started it, which was Arwyn.  It was inevitable, though.  Either she was going to get there, or I would.  I could not even sustain the everyday 2x a day rate we were doing and if I had backed off sooner she might have stepped up the eroticism.  However any move she made in that regard was going to be short-lived.

 

A lot of people have commented that Arwyn lives in a world where she gets what she wants.  She can live and enjoy life at my expense and doesn’t have to suffer through sex.  But that isn’t true at all.  Like anyone else, Arwyn wants intimacy and closeness and she doesn’t have it.  And she isn’t keen to fuck someone who treats her like a fucktoy.  So she avoids sex and sexual discussions and even sexual thoughts.  The reason is that intimacy involves a whole lot of risk, not the least of which is the risk of losing it.  She knows full well the pain of such loss.  So in a sense, there is some operant pain-avoidance going on.  It’s not so much the fear of intimacy, but the fear of its loss.

 

And that, my friends, perfectly and utterly matches mine.  I fear abandonment and loss every bit as keenly as Arwyn.  Make no mistake: intimacy scares the hell out me.  Not so much the closeness itself but the fear of its loss.  Therefore, these fears play out neatly in how I experience Arwyn’s sexual rejection.  I feel like she is totally abandoning me.  I feel like that because I am not sufficiently differentiated.  I need her to validate me through sexual desire.  It’s the reflected sense of self at work.  That’s where all this loneliness and depression comes from.  I feel abandoned.  At the same time, we have pretty much adopted the same strategy for dealing with our mutual fears: emotional withdrawal. 

 

We really are a perfect match.  Only in a fairly destructive and dysfunctional way. 

 

Ironically, that distance and avoidance has given us some room for introspection.  She is working on herself independent of stuff I’m doing.  In a sense, the avoidance has sort of worked for us.  We’re growing in ways we would not have done outside of the marital system.  And that’s kind of what’s amazing about marriage: it’s a system unto itself that sort of encourages growth and correction in its own way.  So while Arwyn and I follow this one particular path, other couples can grow following a different and less avoiding path.

 

The insight I’ve acquired here has helped me see where some of those folks on my blogroll are at.  FTN, who seems like a fairly decent guy and his wife, Autumn, sometimes defy conventional explanations of sexual dysfunction.  But apply the idea of differentiation and some of Autumn’s hang-ups (and FTN’s corresponding self-reflected insecurities) make sense.   XH and his wife have a similar interaction going as far as intimacy.  XH has a basic awareness that they aren’t meeting their sexual potential but is a bit confused by it in light of improved frequency and more varied sex acts.  It’s more a matter of intimacy than just sex as an act.

 

Hazel who is the perfect female LL person models this very well in her relationship with a husband who appears terribly selfish and lazy.  Her and her husband both seem to suffer from a buttload of anxiety.  It keeps her from enjoying sex and keeps him from even trying to connect emotionally during sex instead preferring to make it a mechanical porn reenactment. 

 

Mu Ling, C-Marie, Joeflirt, Nutty Man, Xi , Aphron and right on down the blogroll…these are all the same sort of growthy systems which seem to have big doses of emotional fusion going on.  We’re frustrated because we care about what the other person thinks.

 

I need to give a few folks special mention, though.  Oblivion, Trueself and Desperate Husband have seemingly responded to their issues by going outside the system.  They got lovers on the side or “friends with benefits.”  On one level they are trying to get out but on another they seem to be lingering where they are.  They may have progressed a bit on the differentiation ladder bit it isn’t going to be much.  The reason is that a new and long distance relationship is going to involve the same sort of dynamic Arwyn and I had and every other relationship in the beginning.  They have the tension of insecurity and newness and that super machine of the reflected sense of self working overtime (along with a biological cocktail of powerful endorphins) combined to blind them to the fusion they are going to have to work through down the road eventually. 

 

Two others need to be mentioned, here.  Therese and RS give us some unique perspective because we have two married folk blogging separately.  It’s also unique because RS has been the lower desire one seemingly pulling the puppet strings to Therese’s HL.  Funnily enough, I expect this script to be switched with the second child.  But regardless, it is similar to all the other cases above.  It is a case of two people who do care about each other but struggle with how to deal with the other person’s significance and the threat of loss through lack or respect, lack of acceptance or abandonment physically through divorce or death.  They have done so many right and proper things to get closer to each other before and during their marriage.  RS’s affair wasn’t so much a sexual thing as it was having issues with his emotional fusion with Therese.  They are going to be working on that issue the same as the rest of us; forever. 

 

I never said differentiation was fun. 

 

Like any other kind of growth it is pretty painful.  But you are either growing or you’re not.  And if you’re not, you’re probably dying.  But take no solace there, as I suspect there will be a lot more growth in the hereafter!

 

D.

 

Hugging Till Relaxed

 

Since I’ve started this chapter I might as well blog where I’m at with it, since Arwyn is camped on the computer.  Also working on this is relatively easy so far.

 

When I first saw the title for chapter 6, I thought, “Why devote an entire chapter to hugging?  The title pretty much says it all right?  You hug and keep hugging through the initial jolt until you are both relaxed.  Good enough.  Next!”

 

But with Schnarch nothing is ever straight forward or as simple as it seems.  I may or may not get into all the theory and mechanics behind it all, but I can report on some initial findings in this area.

 

First off, Arwyn and I are not terribly huggy with each other, especially when we’re not feeling close.  However, it is something that we can still do and she really doesn’t feel terribly threatened by it.  So while reading this chapter, I couldn’t wait to try it out to see how things worked or didn’t.  And it was interesting.

 

One thing emphasized about Schnarch is the idea of having a self-supporting stance during the hug instead of leaning into each other like an A frame.  This is what you might call a “Differentiation stance” with the idea being that both partners can enjoy the hug more when neither or both are off balance.  So when I did this, it made we realize how much I was usually leaning into Arwyn and how much weight I would put on her as I would try to meld into her.  Ah!  Fusion!  And fusion is not a good thing, here.  So I do have a recollection of her complaining about my heaviness at times, and herr not being able to handle extended hugging because of that.

 

I approached her in the kitchen and she was taking some shirts somewhere to be hung up and I simply stepped in front of her.  And that was all there was to it.  She went easily into a hug and had no problems with it at all.  And she really had no problems staying in the hug for an extended time either.  There wasn’t as much interaction with each other because my youngest son wanted to either get in the act or deliver commentary.  But we hugged for a good minute or so.  She wanted to finish hanging her shirt so she gave me a quick kiss and was off.  End of experiment.

 

How relaxed was I?  Not terribly.  Looking right at her just had me getting awash in insecurity about my breath, my hair and my face.  But I held on.  She was sort of leaning on me and would drop her head on my chest as I am a full head taller than her.  Her arms were up about my neck and shoulders and were a lot more relaxed than my arms around her which were a bit on the tight side until I noticed and sought a more comfortable posture for them.

 

So in this particular exercise, it would appear that I might be the more tense partner of the two of us.  Also it does nicely demonstrate that we are not so totally estranged and separate as I might convey at times.  There’s at least enough room for this little affection and that’s something.  It shows that there is room for affection and maybe some intimacy down the road, you think?  A lot of the lack/loss of intimacy is on account of me being such a prickly pear.  I do project a heaviness that can often intimidate.  Also I don’t invest a lot into relationships because I don’t want to lose and be rejected.  It’s just easier to ward people off in the first place than contend for them to keep them from leaving.

 

All that from just a hug.

 

More research to follow.

 

D.

 

 

Counseling, a Meme and 195.4

I’ll just weigh in a day or two early and then go get something to eat!LOL!

2amsomewhere recently did a purpose driven meme and tagged me with it. Actually, I was already on my way over off the link before I saw I’d been tagged. It’s a survey put on by some of his friends at the Schnarch Center about relationships and sex. The purpose of this is to normalize their results and to test it, so there aren’t any results to be gotten, unlike the little quizzes in my “About” page. However it does make a body think about what they think.

In order to make sure that these two instruments are reliable and valid with a large and diverse population, we would greatly appreciate it if you would cut and paste the link on to your website or forward it to your friends. We want a diverse population in terms of ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, age and gender!

So these are 2am’s rules:

1. Take the survey described above.
2. Create a blog posting announcing the survey.
3. Tag seven other bloggers to take the survey by listing them in your post and contacting them by either e-mail or blog comment.

Only one more thing to do, which is #3. Seven seems like a high number to me, but let me see if I can find the 7:

1. Christian Husband
2. FTN
3. Confused Husband
4. Xi Summit
5. Tajalude
6. Hazel
7. Mu Ling

Hey, that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! I’m sort of worried about the results being all skewed and dysfunctional due to the nature of my blogroll, though.

And finally, just wanted to share something I found on Rod Smith’s blog that was enlightening. When Will Counseling work Best? When will it not?… is a pretty fair and balanced treatment of the subject. Lot’s of you have weighed in, and considering the results of my last post I thought a fair treatment of the subject was in order. I think the biggest obstacle at the present time is …well… time. If I was really sick and injured, I would go to see a doctor. But I’d have to really be sick or injured. I’ve got sore ankles and knees and sometimes get the sniffles, but I’m not seeing anyone.

So that must mean that things in my relationship aren’t bad enough. Yet.

Yeah, that pretty much sums things up. I mean if they were all that bad I would more seriously be weighing the therapist/attorney options. But Arwyn has become a better roommate than she was a year ago. There is that much progress, which is better than none at all. The house isn’t all run down when I come home and it is manageable enough that I can help out when needed. It’s easier to cook in a clean kitchen. We are talking better about money. Every month, we are going over her credit card balances and we each write out checks. We probably need to expand that conversation a bit more about other expenses but there is movement. The sex thing is just a big, huge boil that irritates everything else. I’m not confronting her at all because while I’m attracted to her physically I’m not up for the “mercy fuck.” I was hoping my weight loss would help lessen the “mercy” part of it for her, so she might actually want to do it more. Or maybe I haven’t lost enough, yet.

D.

I’m in the process of properly tagging everyone by commenting on their blogs, so if I haven’t gotten to you yet, consider yourself warned!

[Now I know why I don't do more comments and tags...blogspot word verification SUCKS!  I ALWAYS end up having to type goofy crap out several times!] 

1984

Oh, wait…that’s 198.4!

 

The progress continues, despite some unruliness in my diet.  As the holidays begin gearing up, it’s going to get harder to travel the straight and narrow.  But I’m thinking that as I build muscle tone and as muscle becomes a larger percentage of my body mass, maybe I have a little more leeway.  I hope so!

 

Arwyn had a gift card for Applebee’s that she’s had since last Christmas and it was burning a hole in her pocket so we all went out to eat Sat. night.  She pointed out the section of the menu for Weight Watchers, for which I was somewhat grateful.  This was about as much acknowledgment of my weight loss effort as I can expect from her. 

 

My co-workers who have been going on and on about my improved shape all want to know what Arwyn thinks about it.  I’d like to say she loves it and can’t keep her hands off me but that simply isn’t the case.  I say she knows about it and approves and that’s about it.  I like the compliments from the ladies at work.  It keeps me motivated.  But looking good is not sufficient to light the fires of an unmotivated spouse.  I’ve seen the HNT’s of Oblivion, C-Marie, Tajalude and most guys would give both nuts to be with women that look that good.  So looks don’t do it, even to get guys going who are supposed to be all visual. 

 

Last week I went ahead and bought a pair of black jeans and they did look good!  Size 36, which this body has not seen in at least a decade and maybe longer.   It was nice to be wearing something that actually fit instead of being sort of loosely draped and cinched up.  It’s also what I wore to the restaurant Sat. night. 

 

Just to extend the post on my Unsolicited Advice blog (the much-neglect blogspot one) I imagine getting the female members of my imaginary invisible audience all hot and bothered!

 

Silly me doesn’t have any good before/after HNT type shots as I was entirely too embarrassed by my “before” body.  So with no comparison, I’m just another bloke on the street.  To put it another way, I’m not built as good as Tom Allen but might get comparable if I suck it way in and puff my chest way out!  And I have some serious work to do before I get in a similar league as Figleaf.

 

But perhaps that might be my next lark. I might take a series of pics and occasionally post them in the name of selfish and indulgent vanity.  And then again it could end up backfiring terribly. 

 

No other gossipy news for now, but there is some drama coming soon.  I’ll either be venting or celebrating.  Past experience tells me it will be the former but hope springs eternal. 

 

BTW, you Yankees need to quit hogging all the water and send some down here to Georgia! 

 

D.

 

My Own Home Grown Meme

 This is a meme designed to be fun as well exchange a link or two…or three…or more.  So let’s see how it flies:

 

Answer the following, and be sure to link to their blogs.  This is an efficient and cheap and shameless way to increase traffic.

 

1. Blogger who is most like me:

 

2. Blogger I read who is LEAST like me.

 

3. Name 3 bloggers of the same sex you’d like to have drinks with.

 

4. Name 3 bloggers of the opposite sex you’d like to share a hot tub with.

 

5. Which blogger would you vote for in a political campaign?

 

6. You are thrown into a dimension where you can read one, and only one, blog.  Which one is it?

 

7. Which blogger is living a life you think YOU might like to be living.

 

 

Tag three people and you’re on your way! 

 

So with this in mind, I’ll do my own meme.

 

 

1. Blogger who is most like me:

I am a collector of bloggers like me, and yet none match me too exactly and properly.  Christian Husband has actually had some parallels to me that have given me chills, at least in the earliest of his writings and the earliest days of my readings.  We seem to share many very similar traits from computer OS’s to vehicles and other eerie things.  Yet anyone reading us knows there are differences that jaggedly clash on occasion.  He’s like that other Spock with a goatee.  

 

2. Blogger I read who is LEAST like me.

 

This was actually the hardest question of the lot for me since I generally blogroll and read people that I can readily relate to and connect with.  On Unsolicited Advice, I write about my most recent blog discovery. 

 

Compartments, who has only recently stopped updating is probably the farthest afield from anything in my reality.  Her blog was about getting paid to have sex.  Now she’s getting paid to be a domme, which involves a lot less mess and risk. 

 

FYI, I like to include a hooker in my reading because that is certainly an option many guys in my position have chosen.  I never have, but I remain curious and they have some good and interesting stories to tell.  I guess I’ll have to find a replacement.

 

Honorable mention goes to Chelsea Summers who used to get paid to strip but now is getting paid to write.  Plus she is having lots of sex.  But her and I do share some a certain pedantic streak within our writing.  She’s just better at it.

 

3. Name 3 bloggers of the same sex you’d like to have drinks with.

FTN, Xi Summit, and 2AmSomewhere.  This wouldn’t be a lamp-shade-on-your-head Rolling Stones booze fest, but would be a more subtle and cerebral all night  get together.  More like a Pink Floyd soundtrack.  I’d also invite my goatee-wearing alter ego, but the fabric of the universe would be torn asunder if we ever actually met.

 

4. Name 3 bloggers of the opposite sex you’d like to share a hot tub with.

 

Emily, Katie and Tajalude.  This might be a bit wilder than the above get together.  I would hope.

 

I’d love to invite Zanaliegh as well but there’s that whole business of her being from the other dimension and the matter-anti matter collision resulting in the destruction of the known universe to contend with.  But it would almost be worth it.

 

 

5. Which blogger would you vote for in a political campaign?

Desmond Jones - the guy already has experience co-governing a family the size of a small country.  After raising that many teenagers, congress should be a piece of cake.  (Hardly fair since he doesn’t even have a blog right now.  Maybe he can come out of retirement.)

 

6. You are thrown into a dimension where you can read one, and only one, blog.  Which one is it?

 

This one is amazingly difficult (which is why I included it).  Always Aroused Girl is the one blog I would choose if I could choose only one.  She’s insightful and she has all this new material now that she is actually having sex.  But she also has this angsty quality that I find most endearing in everyone I read.  It’s not something everyone wants to have but we all like to read about it in others.  Or at least I do.  Not that she needs extra publicity or anything.

 

7. Which blogger is living a life you think you might like to be living.

 

Another tough one since I mostly collect marital train wrecks.

 

My alternative dimension goatee-wearing evil twin, with the wife who swallows is in the running, again,  as is the presently regularly sexed AAG.  But the object here is linky love, so….

 

Satan seems to be living the good life, with all the sex she can handle plus having her very own sugar daddy.  She’s so busy having sex and living the good life she no longer has time to blog.  But I, for one, always enjoyed (with envy) her “Yes, yes and yes again this morning!” posts.

 

Okay, tagging 3 other folks:

Trueself (heh, payback!), Confused Husband and Cat who were all in the running for several of these categories.

 

D.

A Brief Kink Update

A couple of notes upfront: I’m seriously considering responding to Trueself’s tag, mostly because there are some other folks around here in need of a good meme’ing. Or even a meme’ing that is less than good.

Also thanks to those responding to the last post despite the rather depressing content. I can take some small comfort in the knowledge that there are others who have suffered worse for a lot longer.

But I do feel the need to at least give some slight treatment to my kinkier subplot, mainly chastity play. Suffice it to say, I have not been doing any cage play and have not felt like denying myself. I still richly enjoy reading Altarboy’s site and the contributions by those who are practicing, but motivation for me is about nil. I could probably enjoy some subspace but in the sort of relationship that I am presently in, the rebound on the backside is hardly worth it.

But the other morning it did sort of come up.

I usually buy all the groceries because I do most of the cooking. Plus during our leanest financial days I kept my hand tightly on the pocketbook like a seaman on a tiller during a storm. But now that storm has mostly past and I’m perfectly okay with Arwyn taking a check and going and buying whatever food she wants. She was a bit surprised at this, but I told her that as long as she was open and honest and not hiding stuff in the trunk of her car, things would be okay.

Arwyn then insisted that I must be snooping in her car. No, I just know how she operates. But she continued to protest that she knew I had been in her trunk. If I had remembered, I might have pressed her harder for how she knew, but I was not going to argue. I don’t go snooping in her car, ever. I figure I’ll find whatever she hides soon enough.

But later on, it finally dawned on me the source of her conviction. A couple of weeks ago, she came in the holding a small black box she found in her trunk. It was magnetically stuck to the first aid kit in her trunk. Can you guess what it was? She asked if I knew and I told her I had put it in there a long time ago. Maybe over a year ago. I told her to open it, and she slid the cover back and there were a pair of very small keys.

It was the discovery of that box that led her to believe that I was forever snooping. The fact is, I had all but forgotten about them. I have one key in the Shurlok, and that’s all I needed. But keeping a spare set in her trunk meant she could still get me out in an emergency and made her an unwitting keyholder. I’m not sure what she did with that box now that I think about it. It had fallen from the trunk lid to the first aid kit otherwise she may never have seen it.

She also found, while doing a bunch of cleaning, a key to the very first lock I had; the one that came with the original Curve that was on a necklace. She gave it to my youngest son to wear around his neck, which I thought was just not right. Never mind the key was now worthless, but it did still hold some symbolism. So I traded him a sticker or something for it and stowed it away.

Chastity play just is not attractive to me right now. I like to have some support during the process in the form of holding, cuddling and hugs. It helps me get into subspace instead of just getting pissed but she hasn’t the time or inclination, and neither do I.

D.

 

 

 

Metacognition

 Or thinking about thinking…

I need to answer 2Amsomewhere’s thoughtful tag.  Of course he’s thoughtful, because he has joined the elite list of thinking bloggers that have gotten a Thinking Blogger Award.  It’s interesting to see how this little meme has made its way around the blogosphere.  2Am actually nominated Unsolicited Advice: WordPress for the award, which only goes to show that he’s thinking outside the box, as it were, looking at the less popular of my blogs.  I’m only responding here, because UA:WP has been updated and I need content for THIS blog!

 

And then imagine my shock to discover Cat recently delivering her own nomination of this blog.  Cat’s blog is a thinker’s blog in her own right, as she has a somewhat complex storyline, complex emotions and complex thoughts. 

 

So now, in order to accept these generous nominations, I must nominate 5 other bloggers who make me think.  Easy Peasy.  Limiting it to 5 is the hard part.  I suppose with 2 nominations I could do 10, but I’ll leave it to these 5 to nominate who they will.  Or won’t.

 Rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

 

1. Christian Husband is definitely a blogger who pushes the envelope as far as making others think about theology, life and sometimes sex.  More than once I’ve learned a thing or two from reading him.  His story about turning his sex life around is a good (and sometimes really hott) read worthy of digging around his archives. 

 

2. Chelsea Girl - She might already have at least one of these things sitting around.  Of all the writer bloggers I’ve ever read, she is the one who challenges me as a reader the most.  Her blog reads like a classic piece of American literature.  I’m sure if she was on the assigned summer reading list, more high school boys would be interested in reading and the literacy rate of this country would improve beyond reckoning.    Put her on your assigned reading list.  She is probably the most prolific writer on my reading list, so if you don’t read her regularly, it will take you all summer to catch up.  But it is worth it.

 

3. Aphron - In my circle of relationship bloggers, Aphron succeeds in hitting home repeatedly in his posts and his comments.  He does it succinctly and with economy.  His blog belongs in your reading budget because he has a good story of his own quirky relationship as well as what goes on inside of his own head.  He’ll also make you think if he happens to comment on your blog, as well.

 

4. Emily is definitely a thinking blogger who makes a body think.  She started out as someone who made people think as a commenter and I kept pestering her to start her own blog, which she eventually did.  And it is a dandy read.  Like Aphron, you are blessed if you read her, and doubly blessed if she reads you as she has not lost her commenting touch.  She will challenge you and make you think, sometimes about things you might rather avoid.

 

5. Okay, I’ll go ahead and tag FTN with this.  He is an exhibitionist and a comment whore, but he has done it the old fashioned way: by writing about sex and sexual conflict in an entertaining way.  Self-depreciating humor has served him well.  When FTN gets a hold of a topic, you never know what he is going to do with it.  I think that’s one reason his audience tunes in: you never know what is coming next.  He lurves audience participation, and so will not hesitate to poke, prod and provoke his readers in order to shake loose their comments and views.  He does a better job of getting a response from readers than anyone else I know.  Since this involves thought, he thus earns a Thinking Blogger Award.  His comments are likewise engaging and entertaining, at least when he’s not trying to drum up business for the APA or AAMFT.

 

So there are my top 5 Thinking Bloggers.  That’s not to say everyone else is not, because I very much favor thinking bloggers of many stripes. 

 

I’ll see if I can push something out in response to the responses to the post below later, but in the meantime, I do appreciate all the warm thoughts, prayers and sentiments expressed.

 

D.

Okay, I think I’m ready

That last entry was written earlier in the week and I kept fiddling with it and finally just slapped it up there to have something new.

The malaise was and is real enough. Arwyn is on some sort of emotional hiatus this past week, so there’s no help to be gotten there. I needed a bit of inspiration so I decided to grab some of Altarboy’s latest stories. Most of these things do not really hit my buttons. The guy who inherited his aunt’s alien domme…there were possibilities but it never did much for me. The one written by the girl who crosses dresses her brother…again there were possibilities but, meh. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose, not that I’ve been doing any of that lately.

However, the one about the wedding surprise did manage to hit my buttons, making the cage seem too confining. I was keen to get some fun on.

Arwyn had taken the boys out for the day, and I was dealing with a slight headache. My normal cure for a headache when I have the house to myself is locked away and unavailable so I had to resort to some aspirin and an alternative activity. But I didn’t get anywhere, meaning there were no super O’s or even regular O’s or even small O’s. Just frustration. I’m suffering from pleasure deprivation.

Yes! I am finally admitting to suffering! My balls are now carrying many times their accustomed load. My member has forgotten what playtime feels like. I miss having fun and using my body as an amusement park. I just miss the freedom of knowing the same pleasure as every other married guy out there who is married to a sexually unresponsive woman. Namely having sex with someone who loves him for himself.

I want out. Not in a sexually ramped up, horny kind of wanting out. Not in a feeling-backed-up needing-release sort of way. But in the same way a person feels when they have spent a week or two in another country and culture and is ready to go home. I miss my cock. My cock misses me. We have suffered through many dark times together and are likely to suffer many more troubles and indignations. We’ve been lonely but at least we’ve been lonely together.

So, AAG, what say you? Can I go home now?

D.

 

 

Always Aroused Girl

Just the name becomes the stuff of fantasies. Who wouldn’t feel delighted to have their girl be always aroused? Who wouldn’t be turned on just by the thought of having a girl around who was always aroused? Well, apparently there’s at least one guy out there.

Now to be perfectly honest, I can see where it might be slightly bothersome sometimes. Like a cat who always decides to trip you up at the worst time by rubbing on your leg, or the dog who always wants to hump your leg and everyone else’s who walks in the door. Okay, yes. That could get old in certain circumstances. But come on! I like to think of it as a constant opportunity, sort of like having a stove that has its pilot light always lit and simply needs just the right turn of the knobs and >poof!< the flame is on!

If someone didn’t like having their girl always aroused, why would they take her home in the first place? Why take home an always aroused girl when you have no use for her arousal? What an incredible waste! It’s like a person taking home a fine thoroughbred horse who has no intention of ever riding her. What sense does that make?

I’m embarrassed to say I can’t remember exactly when I came into the presence of AAG. It might have been a comment she left, as I had a post or two that was getting a lot of airplay in the sex blog world when she made her debut. And we did sort of run in similar circles, blogwise. And hers was almost a mirror image of many of the same issues marriage-wise. We were natural kindred spirits. We both were sex bloggers who were writing all about sex but not actually having very much sex. We wrote about the sex we would like to have, and wondered if we ever would.

Always Aroused Girl became a major player in the sex blog universe by virtue of the rich textures she used in her writing, conjuring up sadness, and anger as well as lustful desire and even laughter from her readership. She almost always provokes her readership to chime in and participate. She makes each person feel like part of her own inner circle. As a writer, her touch is inviting, welcoming and accessible. Some bloggers come off as being larger than life and are inaccessible. That’s never been the case with AAG, who is nothing if not fairly humble in her writing. She’s very real. Definitely the girl next door…don’t we all wish?

Over the last couple of years, I have followed along on her adventures. I’ve even been inspired to imitate some of them such as taking advantage of myself on the couch or sticking toys up my butt. But of course, no one can do these things with the flair that Always Aroused Girl brings to the experience.

I considered a few of my fellow bloggers for the job of key holder, but there really was no doubt as to who was going to get asked first. After all, what better compliment is there to an Always Arroused Girl than an Always Aroused Boy? And truly the best and only way to make sure that your boy is always aroused is to lock him up and hold the key!

She has opined as of late that I have not been begging sufficiently. She is, naturally, correct. However, I think what she might really mean is that have not sufficiently projected my horniness. I really need to work on that, because what good is an Always Aroused Boy if you have no idea that he’s aroused?

I have my virtual eye fixed on AAG, make no mistake. When I dial up, I am checking my email and I am visiting her blog several times to bask in her aura. Oh yes. I am drawn there.

Having said that, I’m also mindful that I am married and my real eyes are fixed on my wife. There might be improvements afoot but these are slow coming and will take some time.

I’ll give up more on that a bit later. But in the mean time I’m just thinking how fun it is being the Always Aroused Boy for our favorite Always Aroused Girl.

D.

A Few Words About Divorce

This seems to be a major theme ripping through parts of my little blogger circle (See Desmond, Christian Husband,  Desperate Husband and Aphron) and since I can’t help but think I’ve sort of inspired some of their thoughts, I’ll speak more directly to it.

 

First off, I’m in agreement with most of what most of the the gentlemen above have written on the subject.  I believe marriage is intended for life.  I believe God hates divorce.  I believe it is harmful to children.  I believe it is rare that an intact marriage is more harmful to children than a broken one.

 

And so it is that divorce has never been option #1, #2 or even #3 for me.  But let’s be honest; it still makes the list only it doesn’t place high enough to put money on it.  There are many things I’ve tried and still many I have yet to try.  At the same time I’ve entertained the thought in my mind and tried to imagine what it might be like and tried to carry the scenario through.  I just have a hard time seeing good come out of it.  I suppose anything can eventually come out for the good just as things that start out good can eventually turn to shit.

 

I see divorce as a nuclear option in the marital relationship.  Liz Taylor and Richard Burton aside, filing usually results in fantastical feelings of feverish fury.  For some reason, at least one person in every couple seems to have the need to be an asshole.  There are feelings of hurt and betrayal and perhaps envy and jealousy.

 

I like to have a blog or two in my blogroll where the folks are going through a divorce just as a reference.  Right now, Artful Dodger is the lone holder in that category, although Desperate Husband, Always Aroused Girl and Freebird are all moving in that general direction.  I have tracked several bloggers over the past couple of years as well as people I know in real life.  It is NEVER as easy as it looks and it always takes longer than you think before it’s over.

 

Arwyn’s father is going through his second divorce.  It’s been over a year and they are just now wrapping things up.  It really was a very nasty affair with the woman trying to dig into his pockets as deep as she could despite the fact that she was able to put her entire paycheck for the last 25 years into savings because he paid all the bills. 

 

Donald and Gina have given a little better look as they were married a week after we were.  Donald, despite making a 6 figure salary plus having all expenses paid, is being a savage heathen when it comes to his ex-wife and son.  He basically tried to empty the house of its contents and leave them with nothing.  As it is, they both sleep on mattresses on the floor in a modest ranch style house, while he just bought another big house and has all the furniture.  Except for the purple couch.  They are still fighting over a purple couch and they are each paying large sums of money to an attorney to get a judge to rule on who gets custody of a purple couch.

 

Divorce robs people of whatever sense they had before and they end up being petty, mean and spiteful.  Children end up getting the short shrift.  There really is no way to spare or shield children from it.  In Donald and Gina’s case, the poor boy is used as a pawn to gain leverage or advantage.  Donald wants joint custody simply to not pay child support.  But it isn’t joint custody at all as Gina has the boy most of the time.

 

As far as Arwyn’s dad, it still affects the kids.  For one thing, his X  put a lien on all the property so she gets it before the kids do.    There goes their inheritance.  He has a lien on property she owns but she doesn’t have any kids.  The sad thing is, they each are hoping the other dies first.  Let’s see, he has a history of heart problems and is 15 years older.  OTOH, she is a full-fledged drunk which is sapping her health.  Bets anyone?

 

Arwyn’s parents divorced when she was a about 15, and her mother never remarried.  Her mother lives in Florida in government housing, and now can get along with her father fairly well.  I think they do talk on the phone on occasion.  Back when they were together, Arwyn’s father was the one who was the alcoholic. 

 

Anyway, the seeds of our problems were likely sown in the wake of her parent’s divorce.  My parents have been married for almost 44 years.  Can you imagine?  My Dad’s parents were married for almost 65 years before Grandpa passed away.  My mother’s parents were married for about 50 years before Grandma died even though Grandpa’s parents were divorced (in an Irish Catholic church, no less!) when he was very young.

 

This is the thing: I know a lot of people who have been divorced.  I’ve dated a few of them.  Divorce does not make people bad and it is not a sign of some special weakness.  Shit happens.   It only takes one person of the two to be determined to make a divorce happen for it to occur.   It’s like involuntary celibacy; one person gets all the power.   It’s actually more of a wonder that there are not more divorces than there are today.  Why aren’t we all more like Britney Spears or other people in Hollywood? 

 

God does not like it, and I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who got married with the intention of getting a divorce later.  A lot of things happen in the world that God doesn’t like but they happen anyway.  We are weak and frail beings and prone to temptations and mistakes.  It’s such a part of our flesh to not want to commit and sacrifice and struggle and go through pain and suffering.  But we end up putting ourselves through more in an attempt to escape and avoid it.

 

With a 50% divorce rate in the U.S., it is something that has touched all of us through parents, siblings, children and friends.  It cuts through the entire fabric of our society socially and economically.

 

I’ll go ahead and extend the divorce topic a bit more by talking a bit about couples who have children with disabilities.  The divorce rate there is at about 80% for these parents.  Indeed, an intact family with children of disabilities is a much rarer thing.  I do know a few, but even among them I can tell you that there are problems and struggles.  Talk all of the problems associated with raising a normal child and multiply them many fold.  Think about the additional financial stress, the physical drain of the extra time and work involved and just issues of acceptance and denial.  The president of the Autism Society of America, Lee Grossman, is a member of the divorce club.   Look at some of the folks we know; Celibate Husband, Cinnamon, Cat, Summer and Confused.  I think there are a few more, especially among the lurkers.  All of us dealing with similar issues of health and behavior of our children.  Most of us have fairly young children under the age of 10.  Will those of us still married today remain so 10 years from now?  According to statistics, perhaps one couple might still survive intact but even then the odds are even that that couple will suffer a great deal more dysfunction if not marital dissatisfaction.

 

Faith in God is one issue that many have brought up.  However I have come across some sources that cite and even higher divorce rate among those identifying themselves as evangelical Christians than those who do not.    Clearly there is a disconnect between what we say we believe and what we actually do.  And don’t be all that surprised.  I think the more vociferously we assert our opposition to a habit or choice the more vulnerable we are to it.  Just like the head of Evangelical Christians and various clergy people leading double lives as far as sexuality.  Now they are judged by the same measure they judged others, aren’t they?

 

And so it is with divorce.  I do entertain the thought sometimes.  I am not in favor of it for a variety of reasons but I am so not condemning others for finding themselves in that circumstance.  I don’t condone every choice, and but I’m not clubbing a body for it.

 

Desperate Husband is the best example I can think of who seems to have inspired the best and worst in people on several of these levels.  Do I think he’s making the best decisions?  No.  The man is hurt, wounded and suffering and is just not seeing anything straight.  I identify with so much of it and he’s fallen for an Online Friend who is meeting needs his wife can not and will not.  Various commenters (mostly anonymous women) have verbally ripped him to shreds.  I suspect many of them have been on the blunt side of a relationship like this.  But they can not heal their own wounds by making him feel worse.  And calling him a jackass or a whoremonger is hardly going to help him deal with his pain. 

 

The pain of abandonment and rejection is unlike anything else, and this is at the core of what we’re talking about.

 

While I have most recently entertained separation as a very viable alternative, I do not equate this with divorce.  Divorce is an entirely different thing, in my opinion.  I view separation as actually creating distance while still keeping the door open for reconciliation.  Divorce, with the judge, the lawyers, police, custody…all of these merely add to the friction and hostility.  I’m  curious as to why more couples don’t do separation before going for the big ‘D’. 

 

The prevailing belief is that marriage should be for life.  Indeed, the vows most couples exchange pretty much state that the couple will remain together until parted by death.  And I have more or less mused about this alternative, as well.  In many ways, my smoking was maintained by this very negative point of view that the only honorable way to get out of the marriage was to die.  But even then, I can just hear the harpies opining on about how this is also a cowardly way to avoid responsibilities.  Even in death, a man has no escape from such judgment.

 

-If a man seeks comfort from another woman, he is a cheat.

-If a man divorces, he is abandoning his responsibility.

- If he voices his dissatisfaction, he is whining.

- If he dies, he is abandoning his family and avoiding responsibility.

 

The only way seems to be to suffer in silence, which is the way most men choose.  Living what Thoreau referred to as “lives of quiet desperation.”

 

Divorce is not a good thing, but it exists and God knew that it would exist.  It existed within a few generations of the first marriage.  The first divorce between a gay couple took place less than a year after marriage was legalized in Canada.

 

Perhaps the whole concept of marriage needs to be discussed more.  Because without marriage, divorce can not exist.

 

D.