Talking a bit about Chastity Devices

Okay, I’ve been too busy to post but not too busy to read and occasionally comment. I’m still alive!

While trying to keep up on my RSS feeds, a couple of articles really caught my attention. Actually a lot of them did until I read an article by one of the spice girls on the Christian Nympho blog. Cumingirl addresses a question about chastity devices, and my ears were totally up and zeroed in. After reading that, I went to visit our resident chastity expert, Tom Allen, to see if he had picked this little story up. He hadn’t, but his most recent post is certainly appropriate to the points that Cumingirl makes.

Cumingirl, meet Tom. Tom, meet Cumingirl.

Cumingirl fields a question from a guy who struggles with porn. At some point, he and his wife experiment with a chastity device in order to help him ditch the porn habit. After she loses interest in a few months, he is back to the porn. He asks what she thinks about chastity devices, and Cumingirl answers from her sincere Christian perspective, which is insightful whether you’re a Christian or not. Tom, who admits to being in the “not” category says the same thing as Cumingirl; if you have intimacy and relationship problems, no device or toy is going to solve it. A problem of the heart has to be addressed at the heart level. You can not solve an emotional or a spiritual problem with plastic or steel.

My own experiences into chastity confirm this. I was looking for a solution and while it provided a certain amount of short-term relief, it never did anything about the core intimacy issues. In fact, like Tom in his earliest forays into chastity, I ended up feeling even more neglected. Any kind of play where you are playing alone is going to come up empty and unfulfilling. It goes from being arousing to being lonely without the active and loving participation of a real intimate partner. First comes the intimacy. THEN perhaps, it can lead to higher highs.

I meant to address this back when I was posting on Schnarch last year, as I had some thoughts of how chastity played into differentiation. Basically, what I and most married guys who get into it are looking for, is more attention and intimacy but we are really attempting it through more fusion. The lock and key is an interesting metaphor for the fusion we are attempting. When attempted with a spouse who is naturally averse to greater intimacy, the result is fairly predictable. She may have some curiosity at first and perhaps some intrigue but it is mostly weird. Once she understands the concept she’ll be so reluctant that it will take all sorts of manipulation to get her to go along with it, however reluctantly. Using the idea of excessive masturbation, porn and cheating are all attempts to leverage shame, guilt or even anger into getting her to go along with something she is not really into. The idea is that once the wife gets a taste of the good life and you doting on her and doing all the chores and she gets all high on the power, that she will want to keep you locked up forever. VICTORY! Right?

No. Because at this point, some really stupid games commence. First off, the guy is going to do all sorts of stupid things in order to be punished. Or even worse, he’ll escape. Then the search is on for a more secure device. Tom really gives this myth of the escape-proof device some good treatment in his post, but it does need to be restated. There is no such thing. Some devices make escape more difficult but anyone with even a minimum amount of determination will be able to get out and get his rocks off. So security is a total myth. The IDEA of security can be immensely powerful, psychologically. But I’ll never forget the time I discovered how to pick the lock that came with the Curve. It totally wrecked that emotional dynamic. From then on, (after buying a better lock) I never tried to pick the lock again. Part of the attraction of this kink is the emotional roller coaster that Tom so eloquently describes. I really, really miss that but my wife would not be a participant in that and it would eventually lead to more resentment if I chose that path with out her active and at least somewhat positive participation.

Emotional fusion always leads to a dynamic where a person is either grasping and clutching or actively trying to avoid. Spouses tend to alternate roles, thus one spouse pursues while the other avoids until the pursuer tires and the then they switch roles. Instead of facing each other and squaring off, there is a tendency to always be facing the other’s back. So in the D/s dynamic that many chastity folk aspire to, the sub invariably tops from the bottom by some form of manipulation and the dominant (woman) may even go along with it for a time. But being differentiated means being able to live and share with someone intimately without being so enmeshed that any emotional anxiety they have automatically spills over. It’s one thing to be empathetic and supportive, but that’s hard to do when both people are going to pieces! Living with another person’s uniqueness is a really difficult thing to do, but it is developmentally crucial. Wearing a chastity device isn’t going to help at all. It can lead to temporary relief of a sort, but failing to address core intimacy issues will only result in a rebound effect that leaves even more resentment than existed before.

Cumingirl does not condemn chastity play and says it can be a part of a sexual repertoire just like any other sex toy. She admits that it isn’t her thing, but says it is okay if both partners are into it. I would extend her comments by saying that there might be a place for this type of play for Christian couples as they explore the effects of tease and denial. It can be a very powerful emotional experience for both as long as neither feels forced or manipulated into it. The most interesting scenarios I’ve read are when it is not truly a D/s thing at all. The guy knows he can get out any time he wants, but chooses not to. The woman, knowing this, also appreciates the gesture he makes in handing her the keys to his favorite toy. The key (and by extension, his manhood) becomes precious to her. She thinks of him and he thinks of her. It’s not something that is forced, manipulated or coerced. If a guy wants out, he should be free enough and willing enough to ask to be let out or at the least, safe-word out. If she gets tired of the game, she can freely opt out. There simply needs to be some understanding of each other’s needs in a way that is not destructive or that ignores other problems within the relationship.

Using a chastity device somehow in conjunction with the teaching in 1st Corinthians 7 seems like a better answer, to me. If it is by mutual agreement, it can be a tremendous time of emotional bonding where sexual tension can help increase spiritual devotion and attention. By sharing one another’s thoughts and sensations this is actually a way to increase differentiation (because the experiences are in fact unique between the one locked and the keyholder) and appreciating one another’s uniqueness and gifts without insisting they be exactly like us. I would really like to have that sort of bonding, but I do have my own issues of intimacy to deal with and work out. I do miss that psychological intensity where the chastity cage really focused me in on my wife.

Why aren’t I more like that all the time? Why rely on a $200 piece of plastic to get me to focus? For one, I’m rather thick emotionally and too full of selfishness and pride. The plastic cage does provide some amount of mental bending that leads to some extra opportunities for reflection. Like those 2 and 5 a.m. wake-up calls. Those really help knock my head into a different space. The awareness (and somewhat discomfort) make the subtleties of of my emotional neediness more blatant. Admittedly, that can get old for a woman who might be bothered by that sort of thing fairly quickly. She doesn’t need any more children and childish foolishness! But as Tom said, without the teasing the denial just turns into neglect and loneliness. I think that’s where the rebound comes into play. Once I get out from under the influence of the cage, I realize how little attention I have been receiving and get bogged down in resentment. And that’s all me, because I go into it relying on my wife to give me that extra attention. While wearing the cage I do become more needy for attention, but can subsist on smaller morsels. Hand holding takes on new and more exciting dimensions that would not otherwise happen. But I also become more keenly aware of the rejection and avoidance. And I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. There’s some comfort in numbness but there is also a lack of vibrancy, too.

4 Responses to Talking a bit about Chastity Devices

  1. Tom Allen says:

    Hey, look who’s awake!

    I’ve stopped by CN a few times, but I hesitate to mention it for fear that some of the more pervy characters who lurk on my blog will flood theirs with complaints. But maybe their recent post on this might be a good opportunity for me to contact them to see how they feel about it.

    Interestingly, Mrs. Edge is Christian, so we have some varied perspectives on what are “okay” sexual practices, that end up being not far from the CN folks, and even when we disagree, I can understand why they think like they do.

    Please dont’ beat yourself up about being too thick headed to be more focused on your wife – a lot of husbands make this mistake (and it is a mistake): the thing about wearing a device – or indulging in any other common interest – is that it’s a common interest. When we think that our partner is paying more attention to us, being more accepting, and enjoying doing something with us, then we are naturally disposed to returning those feelings. I think that the whole idea of “A chastity device will make me more attentive” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – you feel sexually aroused because your wife has focused some attention on your tonker, and so you accommodate by becoming more disposed to cooking, vacuuming, or whatever.

    Where this ties into Schnarch is that in most relationships, you are compelled to seek sexual attention from your partner only; and you rightly perceive that for people with issues with intimacy, such things are merely a temporary fix. It’s really no different than if you took, say, dancing lessons together, or went to more home and garden shows together. Spending time together is not the same as developing intimacy, and in some cases, can be a way for couples to avoid it.

    Good post, D.

  2. diggerjones says:

    Thanks for stopping by, Tom! And I did happen to catch your comment to the Xtian Nymphos. Note – Cumin is a spice and all the girls that post there are named after a spice. I’m sure you’re not the first person to mis-translate her spice name “Cumingirl” into “Cummingirl.” At least she was gracious enough not to mention it.

    While I knew Ms. Edge was Christian, I have not a lot of insight as to how that translates into her sexual preferences. I suppose that rules out the 3-way you’ve been dreaming about, but within the CN understanding of Christian practices that still leaves room for an awful lot. Even a strap on and chastity device!

    Intimacy is such a slippery devil. I think it is what we are born to seek but we don’t seem to naturally know what it should look like.

  3. Tom Allen says:

    What the hell is Digger talking about…
    :goes back to look:

    Oh dang. That was a typo – I knew that they were all spices, and we’ve exchanged emails in which I spelled it correctly. One of those Fraudien slips, I think. Dang, now I’m embarrassed.

    Anyway, the idea that Christianity somehow translates into what’s acceptable or not doesn’t surface with us. I mean, we do talk about what’s acceptable with her, but it’s never because it’s not in the Bible, or because she has some moral problem with it. Rather, it’s because something is “icky.” For instance, while she enjoys oral sex – in both directions – it’s only possible right after a shower, or else she gets weird about it. It’s more a matter of her feelings about cleanliness than anything scriptural.

    And I’ve promised not to tell about the 3-way. Sorry, bro.

    But you’re so right about not naturally knowing what intimacy looks like. That’s led to a lot of problems around the Edge house, and I suspect, yours as well.

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